As Courtney’s extraordinary tape was being played at the Seattle Center, across town 70 people gathered at the Unity Church of Truth for the private memorial. “There was no time for a program or invitations,” remembered Reverend Stephen Towles, who presided. Most attendees had been invited by phone the previous night. Several of Kurt’s closest friends—including Jesse Reed—were overlooked or couldn’t make it on such short notice. The crowd included a contingent from Gold Mountain and several carloads of friends from Olympia. Bob Hunter, Kurt’s old art teacher, was one of the few from Aberdeen. Even Kurt’s ex-girlfriend Mary Lou Lord came and sat in the back. Courtney and Frances were in the front flanked by Wendy and Kim; the Cobain women seemed to be the only thing stopping Courtney from collapse. Don and Jenny and Leland came; Iris was too ill. Tracy Marander was there and was as distraught as the family—she had been as close to Kurt as his blood kin.
Inside the church, mourners found pictures of Kurt as a six-year-old laid out on the pews. Towles began with the 23rd Psalm, and then said: “Like a wind crying through the universe, time carries with it the names and deeds of conquerors and commoners alike. And all that we were, and all that remains, is in the memories of those who cared we came this way but for a brief moment. We are here to remember and release Kurt Cobain, who lived a short life that was long in accomplishment.” Towles recited the story of the Golden Buddha who spent years hidden under a coating of clay before his true worth was known, and followed that with a poem titled “The Traveler.” He then asked the crowd to consider a series of questions, designed to make them ponder the deceased. He asked: “Was there unfinished business between you?” If Towles had called for a show of hands in response, the room would have been filled with raised arms.
Towles then urged others to step forward and share their memories. Bruce Pavitt of Sub Pop spoke first and said, “I love you, I respect you. Of course, I’m a few days late in expressing it.” Dylan Carlson read from a Buddhist text. Krist read from prepared notes, similar to his taped message.
Danny Goldberg told of the contradictions in Kurt, how he said he hated fame, yet complained when his videos weren’t played. Goldberg said Kurt’s love for Courtney “was one of the things that kept him going,” despite his ongoing depression. And Goldberg spoke of Aberdeen, albeit with a New Yorker’s perspective: “Kurt came from a town that no one had ever heard of, and he went on to change the world.”
And then Courtney stood, and read with the actual suicide note in her hands. She yelled, cried, wept, and mixed Kurt’s note with selections from the Bible’s Book of Job. She ended by talking about Boddah, and how much this imaginary friend meant to Kurt. Almost no one in the hall knew who she was speaking of, but the mention of Kurt’s childhood imaginary friend was enough to make Wendy, Don, Kim, Jenny, and Leland quietly sob. Reverend Towles ended the ceremony with a reading from Matthew 5:43.
As the service ended the old feuds returned. Mary Lou Lord exited, afraid for her life. Don and Wendy barely spoke. And one of Kurt’s Olympia friends was so offended by Danny Goldberg’s comments that he circulated a parody the next day by fax. But nowhere was the divisiveness more apparent than in the scheduling of two competing wakes after the service. One was held by Krist and Shelli and the other by Courtney, and only a handful of mourners visited both. Courtney was late to the wake at her house since after the ceremony she had ventured to the candlelight vigil. There she handed out some of Kurt’s clothing to fans who were astounded to see her clutching the suicide note. “It was unbelievable,” recalled security guard James Kirk. “It wasn’t in a plastic bag or anything. She would show it to the kids, and say, ‘I’m so sorry.’ ” On her way back home, Courtney stopped by radio station KNDD, and demanded air time. “I want to go on the air and make them stop playing Billy Corgan and just play Kurt,” she announced. The station politely turned her away.
A week later, Courtney received the urn of Kurt’s ashes. She took a handful and buried them under a willow tree in front of the house. In May, she took the rest in a teddy-bear backpack and traveled to the Namgyal Buddhist monastery near Ithaca, New York, where she sought consecration for the ashes and absolution for herself. The monks blessed the remains and used a handful to make a tsatsa memorial sculpture.
The bulk of Kurt’s remains sat in an urn in 171 Lake Washington Boulevard until 1997, when Courtney sold the home. She moved to Beverly Hills with Frances and Kurt’s urn. Before selling the house, she insisted on a covenant allowing her to return one day and remove the willow tree.
Five years after Kurt’s suicide, on May 31, 1999, Memorial Day, Wendy organized a final service for her son. The plan was for Frances to scatter Kurt’s ashes in a creek behind Wendy’s house while a Buddhist monk recited a prayer. Courtney and Frances were already in the Northwest that week vacationing. Since Kurt’s death, Courtney had become close to Wendy, and had purchased her a $400,000 house on acreage just outside of Olympia. It was behind this house that the service was planned, and a handful of family and friends were invited. Though Wendy wouldn’t call Don herself, Courtney’s managers invited him, and he came. But some of the internal family feuds continued: Leland, who was only 30 minutes away—and spent most of his days alone in his trailer since Iris died, in 1997—wasn’t called. Courtney did invite Tracy Marander, and she came, wanting to say a final good-bye to Kurt. When Tracy arrived and saw Frances, she was taken aback by the girl’s beauty—barefoot, wearing a purple dress, her eyes looking remarkably like those of a boy Tracy had once loved. It was a thought Courtney has every day of her life.
Over the years since Kurt’s death, many had suggested a memorial be erected in Aberdeen, and his birthplace might have also served as an appropriate location to scatter his ashes. Scattering Kurt under his mythmaking bridge would have been a kind of rough justice and literal irony; for the first time, he would sleep there.
But instead, as the monk chanted, six-year-old Frances Bean Cobain scattered her father’s ashes into McLane Creek, and they dissolved and floated downstream. In many ways, this too was a fitting resting place. Kurt had found his true artistic muse in Olympia, and less than five miles away he sat in a shitty little apartment that smelled of rabbit pee and wrote songs all day. Those songs would outlive Kurt and even his darkest demons. As his one-time foster father Dave Reed once remarked, in as good a summation of Kurt’s life as was ever offered: “He had the desperation, not the courage, to be himself. Once you do that, you can’t go wrong, because you can’t make any mistakes when people love you for being yourself. But for Kurt, it didn’t matter that other people loved him; he simply didn’t love himself enough.”
There was another larger piece of fate, and a nugget of ancient history that bonded this particular plot of water and earth and air with these mortal remains; just over the hill, less than ten miles away, the source of McLane Creek and all the streams in the area, was the small range of Washington mountains known as the Black Hills. It was here, years ago, where a young family would go sledding after the first cold snap. They would drive their Camaro down the two-lane road, past the tiny logging town of Porter, up a funny little hill called Fuzzy Top Mountain. In the car was a mom, a dad, a baby daughter, and a little six-year-old boy with the same ethereal blue eyes as Frances Cobain. The boy loved nothing in the world more than sledding with his family, and during the drive from Aberdeen he would implore his father to drive faster because he couldn’t stand to wait. When the Camaro would come to a stop near the summit of Fuzzy Top, the boy would dash out, grab his Flexible Flyer sled, take a running start down the mountain, and race as if his flight alone could somehow stop time. At the bottom of the hill, he would wave his mitten-covered hand at his family, and a wide, warm smile would come over his face, his blue eyes sparkling in the winter sun.
Source Notes
The pagination of this electronic edition does not match the edition from which it was created. To locate a specific entry, please use the search feature of your e-book reader.
&n
bsp; Writing this book entailed conducting more than 400 interviews over the course of four years. Most interview sessions were done in person and tape-recorded, though a few were conducted over the phone, or through e-mail, and a handful were even done through jailhouse protective glass. To avoid 50 pages of source notes reading “from an interview with the author,” each chapter begins with a list of my interview subjects in order of citation in the text for that particular section. Most of my subjects are quoted in the text: Many other sources provided background and their names do not appear in the manuscript, but their help and memories were nonetheless essential in piecing together this history. The first time a subject is listed, the year of my interview is noted. In addition to the numerous people listed here, many colleagues assisted by providing resources or support. I hope I have included them all in the Acknowledgments that follow.
Prologue
Page 2 “I woke up at 7 a.m.”: An e-mail from Courtney Love to Charles R. Cross, 1999.
Page 4 “It wasn’t that he OD’d”: Ibid.
Chapter 1: Yelling Loudly at First
Author interviews with Don Cobain, 1999; Mari (Fradenburg) Earl, 1998, 1999, 2000; Rod and Dres Herling, 1999; Brandon Ford, 2000; Tony Hirschman, 1999; Leland Cobain, 1998, 1999, 2000; Shirley DeRenzo, 1999; Colleen Vekich, 1999; Dorothy Vekich, 1999; Michael Vilt, 1999; James Ultican, 1999; Norma Ultican, 1999; Kendall Williams, 1999; and Kim Cobain, 2000. Hilary Richrod of the Aberdeen Timberland Library and Leland Cobain provided essential background on the history of Grays Harbor County and I am grateful to them both for their extensive assistance.
Chapter 2: I Hate Mom, I Hate Dad
Author interviews with Don Cobain; Leland Cobain; Kim Cobain; Gary Cobain, 1999; Mari Earl; Stan Targus, 1999; Steve Shillinger, 1999; Jenny Cobain, 1999; Lisa Rock, 1999; Darrin Neathery, 1999; Courtney Love, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001; John Fields, 1999; Roni Toyra, 1998; John Briskow, 1999; Lois Stopsen, 2000; Rod Marsh, 2001; Miro Jungum, 1998; and James Westby, 2000.
Page 16 “I had a really good childhood”: “Family Values,” Jonathan Poneman, Spin, December 1992.
Page 23 Iris Cobain once described 1976: Christopher Sandford, Kurt Cobain (Carroll & Graf, 1996), page 30.
Chapter 3: Meatball of the Month
Author interviews with Don Cobain; Tim Nelson, 1999; Bill Burghardt, 1999; Leland Cobain; Rod Marsh; Roni Toyra; Jenny Cobain; Kim Cobain; John Fields; James Westby; Mike Bartlett, 1999; Scott Cokely, 1999; Teri Zillyett, 1999; Beverly Cobain, 1999; Trevor Briggs, 1999; Mari Earl; and Jim Cobain, 1998.
Page 30 The article ran under the heading: Puppy Press courtesy of Scott Cokely.
Page 31 Kurt’s artwork was “always very good”: Interview with Nikki Clark by Hilary Richrod, 1998.
Page 34 Fields was not the only friend of Kurt’s: Bill Burghardt, Mike Bartlett, Rod Marsh, Trevor Briggs, Darrin Neathery and others have similar stories.
Page 37 As Kurt later described it: Michael Azerrad, Come As You Are: The Story of Nirvana (Doubleday, 1993), page 21.
Chapter 4: Prairie Belt Sausage Boy
Author interviews with Don Cobain; Leland Cobain; Jim Cobain; Warren Mason, 1999; Dan McKinstry, 1999; Rick Gates, 1999; Bob Hunter, 1999; Theresa Van Camp, 1999; Mike Medak, 1999; John Fields; Kathy Utter, 2000; Shayne Lester, 2000; Mike Bartlett; Trevor Briggs; Mari Earl; Darrin Neathery; Brendan McCarroll, 1999; Kevin Hottinger, 1999; Evan Archie, 2000; Buzz Osborne, 1999; Bill Burghardt; Steve Shillinger; Andrea Vance, 1999; Jackie Hagara, 1999; Jesse Reed, 1999, 2000; Kurt Vanderhoof, 1998; Greg Hokanson, 1999; and Kim Cobain.
Chapter 5: The Will of Instinct
Author interviews with Jackie Hagara; Buzz Osborne; Krist Novoselic, 1997, 1998, 1999; Kim Cobain; Greg Hokanson; Paul White, 1999; Justine Howland, 1999; Jenny Cobain; James Westby; Beverly Cobain; Don Cobain; Jesse Reed; Dave Reed, 1999; Ethel Reed, 1999; Det. John Green, 2000; Det. Mike Haymon, 2000; Shee-la Wieland, 2000; Bob Hunter; Theresa Ziniewicz, 1999; Mike Poitras, 1999; Stan Forman, 1999; Kevin Shillinger, 1999; Det. Michael Bens, 2000; Trevor Briggs; Lamont Shillinger, 1999; Steve Shillinger; Mari Earl; Shelli Novoselic, 2000; and Hilary Richrod, 1998, 1999, 2000.
Chapter 6: Didn’t Love Him Enough
Author interviews with Kim Cobain; Matt Lukin, 1998; Jesse Reed; Shelli Novoselic; Tracy Marander, 1998, 1999, 2000; Steve Shillinger; Kurt Flansburg, 1999; Mark Eckert, 1999; Krist Novoselic;
Ryan Aigner, 1999; Aaron Burckhard, 1999; and Dylan Carlson, 1996, 1998, 1999, 2000.
Chapter 7: Soupy Sales in My Fly
Author interviews with Kim Cobain; Krist Novoselic; Shelli Novoselic; Aaron Burckhard; Tracy Marander; Jeff Franks, 1999; Michelle Franks, 1999; Vail Stephens, 1999; Kim Maden, 1999; and Tony Poukkula, 1999. Special thanks to Jeff Franks for his research assistance.
Chapter 8: In High School Again
Author interviews with Tracy Marander; Steve Lemons, 2000; Slim Moon, 1998, 1999; Jim May, 1999; John Purkey, 1999; Krist Novoselic; Ryan Aigner; Krissy Proctor, 1999; Buzz Osborne; Jack Endino, 1997, 1999; Chris Hanszek, 1998; Dave Foster, 2000; Kim Cobain; Bob Whittaker, 1999; Bradley Sweek, 1999; Argon Steel, 1999; Win Vidor, 1998; Costos Delyanis, 1999; Dawn Anderson, 1999; Shirley Carlson, 1998; Veronika Kalmar, 1999; Greg Ginn, 1998; Jason Finn, 1998; Scott Giampino, 1998; Kurt Danielson, 1999; and Rich Hansen, 1999.
Page 97 “SERIOUS DRUMMER WANTED”: The Rocket, October 1987.
Page 103 “The Seattle Scene is gearing up”: Bruce Pavitt, The Rocket, December 1987.
Chapter 9: Too Many Humans
Author interviews with Tracy Marander; Steve Shillinger; Krist Novoselic; Dave Foster; Chad Channing, 1997; Gilly Hanner, 1998; Ryan Aigner; Jan Gregor, 2000; Debbie Letterman, 1997; Chris Knab, 1998; Jack Endino; Alice Wheeler, 1997, 1999, 2000; Dawn Anderson; King Coffey, 2000; Slim Moon; John Purkey; Daniel House, 1997; Tam Orhmund, 1999; Damon Romero, 1998; Hilary Richrod; and Kim Cobain.
Page 114 “I’ve seen hundreds of Melvins’ ”: “It May Be the Devil,” Dawn Anderson, Backlash, September 1988.
Page 119 “Nirvana sit sort of at the edge”: Grant Alden, The Rocket, December 1988.
Chapter 10: Illegal to Rock ’N’ Roll
Author interviews with Tracy Marander; Amy Moon, 1999; Krist Novoselic; Dylan Carlson; Joe Preston, 1999; Jason Everman, 1999; Rob Kader, 1998; Chad Channing; John Robinson, 1998; J. J. Gonson, 1998; Sluggo, 1999; Michelle Vlasimsky, 1999; Slim Moon; Steve Fisk, 1999; Mark Pickerel, 1999; and Kelly Canary, 1997.
Page 131 “the last wave of rock music”: “Hair Swinging Neanderthals,” Phil West, The Daily, May 5, 1989.
Page 133 “You’re talking about four guys”: “Sub Pop,” Everett True, Melody Maker, March 18, 1989.
Page 133 “Nirvana careens from one end”: Gillian Gaar, The Rocket, July 1989.
Page 135 “I kinda reach my end of things to do”: “Nirvana,” Al the Big Cheese, Flipside, June 1989.
Page 141 “Bob Dylan picked ‘Polly’ ”: Chuck Crisafulli, Teen Spirit (Fireside, 1996), page 45.
Chapter 11: Candy, Puppies, Love
Author interviews with Tracy Marander; Kurt Danielson; Chad Channing; Alex MacLeod, 1999; Nikki McClure, 1999; Garth Reeves, 1998; Mark Arm, 1998; Carrie Montgomery, 2000; Steve Turner, 1998; Matt Lukin; Krist Novoselic; Pleasant Gehman, 1997; Jennifer Finch, 1999; Jesse Reed; Slim Moon; Damon Romero; Stuart Hallerman, 2000; Jon Snyder, 1998; Alex Kostelnik, 1998; Maria Braganza, 1998; Greg Babior, 1998; Sluggo; and J. J. Gonson.
Page 146 “I feel like we’ve been tagged”: “Berlin Is Just a State of Mind,” Nils Bernstein, The Rocket, December 1989.
Page 151 “had even come up with the term ‘grunge’ ”: Mark Arm, Desperate Times.
Page 154 “they cut eight songs”: Charles R. Cross and Jim Berkenstadt, Nevermind: Nirvana (Schirmer Books, 1998), page 32.
Chapter 12: Love You So Much
Author interviews with Tracy Marander; Dylan Carlson; Slim Moon; Alice Wheeler; John Goodmanson, 1998; Tam Orhmund; George Smith, 1999; Krist Novosel
ic; Susan Silver, 2000; Don Muller, 1998; Alan Mintz, 2000; Brett Hartman, 1998; Kim Cobain; Sally Barry, 1999; Paul Atkinson, 1998; Kevin Kennedy, 2000; Bettina Richards, 1999; Alex Kostelnik; Gordon Raphael, 1999; Ken Goes, 1998; Angee Jenkins, 1999; Nikki McClure; Jennifer Finch; Ian Dickson, 1999; and Mikey Nelson, 1998.
Page 162 “It’s probably the most straightforward”: “Heaven Can’t Wait,” Everett True, Melody Maker, December 15, 1990.
Page 169 “some of my personal experiences”: “The Year’s Hottest New Band Can’t Stand Still,” Chris Morris, Musician, January 1992.
Chapter 13: The Richard Nixon Library
Author interviews with Jesse Reed; Krist Novoselic; Dylan Carlson; Tracy Marander; Kaz Utsunomiya, 1999; Mikey Nelson; Joe Preston; Nikki McClure; Lisa Fancher, 1997; Damon Stewart, 1997; Susan Silver; Kim Thayil, 1997; Jeff Fenster, 1997; Alan Mintz; Dave Downey, 1999; John Purkey; Kathy Hughes, 1999; Craig Montgomery, 1999; Don Cobain; Michael Vilt; Lou Ziniewicz-Fisher, 2000; Susie Tennant, 1997; Bob Whittaker; Shivaun O’Brien, 1996; and Barrett Jones, 2000.
Page 181 “There was graffiti”: Cross and Berkenstadt, Nevermind: Nirvana, page 58.
Chapter 14: Burn American Flags
Author interviews with Krist Novoselic; Ian Dickson; Danny Goldberg, 2000; Michael Lavine, 1997; Carrie Montgomery; Courtney Love; Dylan Carlson; Slim Moon; John Troutman, 1997; John Rosenfelder, 2000; Mark Kates, 1999; John Gannon, 1999; Dave Markey, 1999; and Alex MacLeod.
Page 186 “I thought she looked like Nancy Spungen”: Azerrad, Come As You Are, page 169.
Heavier Than Heaven Page 43