Sam Cruz's Infallible Guide to Getting Girls

by Tellulah Darling

I’m feeling warm and happy at everyone being on my side.

  Sam turns so he can glare at all of them at once. “Maybe if you would all back the hell out of my personal business—”

  “Manners,” Rosie chides him.

  Sam runs his hands through his hair roughly. “If you would back the hell out, please,” he corrects, “I could tell Ally I love her.”

  My heart pounds in my chest and my stomach twists up. Please don’t let this be a joke.

  “You love me?”

  “What do you think this is all about? Pay attention, Brain.”

  He takes my hand and looks at me with the most serious expression I’ve ever seen on his face. “I love you totally and absolutely like I’ve never loved anyone before.”

  “You just said you didn’t,” Rachel points out.

  Sam lifts his head to stare at her like he might kill her. “What?”

  “You said you thought she was running away to Ecuador because you didn’t love her. I’m a little confused. Explain it.”

  Have I mentioned how much I love my cousin?

  I nod at that statement as if it’s the most logical explanation in the world to require and don’t even feel a tiny bit bad that I’m making Sam work for it.

  I am worth working for.

  But I secretly cross my fingers that this doesn’t go horribly wrong.

  “No,” Sam says in a strained tone, “Ally thought I didn’t and that’s why she was going to Ecuador. But she isn’t and I do. Love you.” That last bit is said to me.

  I want to beam.

  But first there’s something I have to ask.

  “Why?”

  Chapter thirty-five

  I hate that fucking question. I mean I just told you I love you, which you of all people know I have never done, and that’s your response?

  Buzzzz. Thanks for playing.

  I could refuse to answer.

  Except that means Ally wouldn’t answer me back. Not like she has to because I already know she loves me. But a little public adoration in this hostile place would be appreciated. Plus I have to make sure she’s not going to leave.

  So she has to say it. Again.

  And given she’s wearing her stubborn face, that means I have to answer the damn question.

  Under everyone’s curious stare.

  “Because…” A strong start designed to buy me time. Got it. I gesture at the photo album.

  Ally shakes her head. “Nope. That’s the past. Tell me why.”

  I shove my hand roughly through my hair. Panic grows.

  “Because I love fucking you,” I blurt out.

  “Ah, hell,” Ian mutters.

  I see Matt hang his head in despair.

  Ally picks up her purse, stands, and takes a few steps out of the booth toward the exit. I block her.

  “No. I mean yes. I’ve never been so turned on by anyone and I love having sex with you. I love that you’re ticklish in the most inconvenient places. And that you talk the entire time.”

  “TMI,” Rachel insists.

  I pay her no attention, instead glancing at Ally to make sure she’s still with me.

  It’s debatable, but she’s not moving, so I speed up.

  “But more than that, I love that afterward, you stuff yourself into me trying to suck out all my heat. That you get all fanboy about the geekiest things and cry for great whites during shark week. You’re the left brain to my right. The jelly to my peanut butter.”

  “The Buffy to your Angel?” Ally asks.

  No way am I that namby bitch. “Spike.”

  “Angel.”

  I concede it with a grudging nod. “You’re bossy, complicated, passionate, and I think you’re the most amazing girl alive.”

  Having just gushed like chicks in a tampon commercial, I feel I need to get this speech back on a more manly track. “So deal with it.”

  There. Balls back.

  Rosie smacks Ally. “What’s wrong with you? Love him.”

  People nod and murmur their agreement.

  About time I got this crowd on my side. Tough room.

  “Big jerk,” Ally says.

  She smiles.

  Everyone else looks confused. It doesn’t matter. I get it and grin back.

  “The biggest. And?”

  “You’re my parrot,” she tells me.

  I relax for the first time. I. Am. Her. Parrot. Who’s the man, now?

  “I don’t get it.” Vic scratches his head. “Does she love him?”

  Ally slides her arms around my waist and beams up at me. “Yeah. I love him.”

  “And you’re staying, right?” I ask anxiously. Because it would suck if she’s going to love me from another continent.

  “I’m staying.”

  “What about seeing if we’re biologically wired to be monogamous or not?” Rachel asks.

  I shoot her a look. “Seriously? Can we not just be happy with the in love and stop with the poking holes?”

  “Just checking,” she says innocently. I see her wink at Ian.

  I’ll kill them later.

  But for now, to make sure Ally has no doubts about where I stand, I say, “We’re not just one thing or another. We’re constantly evolving. And as long as it’s in a way that makes us happy, that’s all that matters. Right?”

  “Right.” Ally squeezes me.

  “Good answer,” Ian declares.

  “He’s evolved,” Rachel announces.

  “Evolving is a process not a destination,” I say, cocky.

  Ally grins at me with pride. I kiss her and receive several hollers.

  “An eight from the Russians,” Matt calls out.

  “Those Russians are tough,” Rosie says.

  I break the kiss.

  “Are you going to be one of those nauseating couples?” asks Rachel.

  “The worst,” Ally replies, happily.

  “Like you’re one to talk,” Matt tells Rachel.

  “The glow will wear off soon enough,” Rosie announces. “Always does.”

  “Thanks a lot,” I reply.

  “I liked the Jeremy one better,” Vic says. “This one’s lippy.”

  “I’m happy for them,” Ian announces.

  “Thank you, my brother,” I reply.

  “Showing us up?” asks Matt.

  “Naw,” Ian says. I just want Ally to stop hanging around so much so I can have sex with my girlfriend more.”

  Rachel kisses Ian. “That’s my boy.”

  Ally tugs on me.

  I lean down so she can whisper in my ear. “I dare you to show me how much you love me. And I do mean show.”

  We bolt. It’s obvious, but so what?

  I’m about to have great sex with the girl I love.

  ~

  In the end, my newfound approach actually solves all my problems with Monica, too.

  I sit across the table in class from her and open my portfolio. She watches me nervously.

  “Reward yourself.” I show her the new direction of the campaign.

  Monica smiles. Finally.

  “We’ll keep the element of humor,” I explain. “Create a campaign that takes people through the stages of falling in love, in a funny way. But also celebrates the passion and giddy joy at seeing the love of your life.”

  “I like this.”

  “Love is both hard work and worth it. You need a reward and chocolate is it.”

  “Works for me,” she says. “But why the change of heart?”

  “My best friend got dumped.”

  She scrunches up her face, confused.

  “It’s a long story.”

  My cell rings. “Just a sec.”

  I glance at the number. It’s from Ally’s house.

&nbs
p; Shit.

  “Hello?”

  “So, you’re dating my daughter now?”

  “Yeah.” I stand up and move off for privacy, in case Elise decides to rip me a new one. I have no idea what Ally may have told her. Is this where she tells me never to come over again after all I did?

  “If you ever break my baby’s heart, I will rip yours out. Do I make myself clear?”

  I swallow. “Yes, Elise.”

  “Good. Dinner is at five. I’ve made your favorite pasta with pesto.”

  “Uh, so you want me to come over?”

  “Of course.”

  “Okay.”

  I guess my nervousness comes through because her tone softens as she says “I’m really glad she has you, Sam.”

  She hangs up and I’m left blushing.

  Geez. Moms.

  Chapter thirty-six

  My boyfriend’s head smells like flowers. I know this because as he hands me a tub of ice cream in the freezer section of the supermarket, I tug him down to just inhale his scent.

  He smells like my soap and my floral shampoo because about an hour ago back at my place we really needed to shower.

  If you know what I mean.

  “What’cha doing, weirdo?” he asks fondly as he gently tugs himself out of my hug.

  “Just sniffing you.”

  “Okay, bird.”

  “Not any bird, though.” I feel compelled to clear that up. “But some penguins will—”

  He kisses me.

  “Was that to shut me up?” I ask.

  He shakes his head. “Naw. You can tell me about the penguins now. I just wanted to kiss you.”

  I blush. Jeremy definitely would have just been shutting me up. But without the kiss.

  “Penguins, later. Which reminds me. We need poo refills. But back to my house now.”

  Sam seems eager to obey.

  Etienne shows up in our aisle, looking like crap.

  “What happened to you?” Sam asks.

  “Clarissa. It’s all your fault.”

  “How?”

  “‘Talk like a normal person’ you said. You bastard. Do you really hate me so much?”

  “What did she do?” I ask.

  A girl in a super cute mini dress comes around the corner. Clarissa, I presume.

  “Hi Sam.”

  Sam does all the introductions.

  “Etienne, be a love and grab me some tampons. I’ll be over at the magazines.”

  “Jamais!” he protests. “I am a man, not a she-boy.”

  Clarissa trails a finger down his chest suggestively.

  Etienne deflates.

  “And don’t dawdle,” she tells him.

  “Yes, cherie.”

  I grin at her. I like this girl’s style.

  She throws me a wink and flounces off.

  “I will never forgive you for this,” Etienne hisses at Sam before heading off, shoulders slumped.

  Sam turns to me. “I am never getting you tampons.”

  I snap open the top button of my cardigan to flash him my black lace bra.

  “Probably never,” he amends.

  ~

  Two days later, Sam says something that tells me exactly how much he loves me. As if I didn’t already know. But this knocks it out into the stratosphere.

  “Take me paragliding,” he says.

  I can’t believe it, but he’s willing to try. Even though he’s terrified, he wants to do it because he knows I love it and he wants to know why.

  I love this boy so much.

  That’s how we find ourselves hooking into a tandem paraglider. I give a final tug on his harness.

  “You okay?”

  “Piece of cake,” he replies.

  “Because if you faint, it’s alright. Just try to do it before we take off.”

  Sam laughs. “How am I supposed to impress you if you know all my secrets?”

  “Think of it this way,” I reply, “if I can love you after all I know about you, it must be real.”

  “Don’t get me started,” he grouses.

  “And if it isn’t,” I continue, “all we have to do is have a lot of really great sex. The oxytocin released in our orgasms helps with our ability to bond.”

  I give him a final smooch for support and harness myself up behind him.

  “I don’t think bonding is our problem,” Sam muses, trying to grope my left boob.

  I swat him away so I can harness in safely but believe me, we are so coming back to that later.

  “Or orgasms,” I tell him.

  “Hell, no. But just to make sure, we should practice.”

  “In the interest of science.”

  “And orgasms.”

  He takes my hand and squeezes it.

  And with a short run, we leap and fly into the unknown.

  Chapter thirty-seven

  It’s going to be a great flight.

  And now for a few...

  This book owes a huge debt of thanks to many people. First off, enormous gratitude to my guinea pigs—I mean readers: JMac for throwing down dude speak, Stacey for ensuring Ally was all in her head, Elissa for pushing me beyond the obvious, and Franny for making sure everything read true.

  Thank you as well to my friends who provided encouragement, writing guidance, and help pimping the book.

  A million thanks to my designer, Mark Stuckert. You went way above and beyond the call of duty and I am deeply indebted to you and your brilliance.

  There is no way for me to express my gratitude to my family for their love, food, and child care. I hope that I do you proud.

  And last, but certainly not least, none of this matters without the love and encouragement of Loreto and Chiara. You put up with my writing zone outs with grace and humor. This book would not have been possible without you both. Literally and in every way.

  Check out Tellulah Darling’s next novel

  Sneak Peek

  Chapter One

  To: ????

  From: bloomingoddess@gmail.com

  Subject: Seriously?

  Dear Your Royal Imperialness Demeter, Goddess of Grain and Fertility, Preserver of Marriage, and Bringer of Seasons,

  Or can I just call you Mom?

  Bet you never thought you’d be hearing from me. Sorry for not having written sooner, but until about 12 hours ago, I didn’t know you existed. Nothing personal.

  See, yesterday, I was plain old Sophie Bloom. My life sucked in your typical 16-year-old ways. I was stuck here at Hope Park Progressive School on probation again (“mouthy behavior”), dealing with cliquish poseurs, rampant hormones, blah blah blah.

  Then I met a guy. I know that’s the worst cliché ever. But sadly, it’s true. And of course, being me, it couldn’t just be any bad boy. No. It had to be Kai, son of Hades, Lord of the Underworld. Anyway, he was really hot and there was this bone-melting kiss and...whatever. The point is, before he showed up, I thought I was human. Afterward, well, let’s just say everything changed. Who knew when I was cramming Greek mythology for my English final, I was studying the family tree?

  They say when you die, your whole life supposedly flashes before your eyes. When Kai and I kissed, here’s what flashed before mine – Mount Olympus, Zeus, the Underworld, Hades, and you. But that wasn’t my life. Or was it?

  I was pretty sure someone spiked the punch at the Halloween dance (par for the course at this school). How was I supposed to believe that somehow I was a goddess and everything I knew about my entire life was wrong?

  It’s not like I had a whole lot of time to think about it, because my best friend Theo killed the joy with a sucker-punch to Kai’s pretty face and dragged me away. And if you knew Theo, you’d know this was so not his M.O.

  At first Theo tried to blow it off
. He went all protective, told me Kai was a player and he didn’t want me to get hurt. Now I know what you’re thinking – but it wasn’t jealousy. Theo and I are so NOT. Theo’s angle seemed plausible, if somewhat big brotherish for him, until a couple of guys tried to kill me.

  No, not guys. More like otherworldly beings. First, Hades’ immortal hit man - a Pyrosim, fire wraith. And then dear old Dad (??!), exalted Zeus, had to get in on the act. He sent his own death machine daemon, Photokia - complete with gold thunderbolt tattoo – to kill me. So, I guess, despite the fact that they hate each other, the one thing Zeus and Hades can agree on is that they both want me dead. Yay me.

  I’m fine. Which is seriously weird since I should be lacking on the living front. But what’s really freaking me out is that I managed to blow the bogeymen into a zillion fragments. One second I’m scared. Pissed off. The next, I’m the supernova of doom. I’ve never even been good at sports.

  When I accidentally almost took off Theo’s head with more of my destructo fun, he decided to come clean. That’s when he told me everything. Starting with his full name: Prometheus.

  Here’s the Wiki version (do you have Wi-Fi on Mt. Olympus?) Turns out I’m Persephone. Me, Goddess of Spring and Embodiment of Earth’s Fertility? Ew! Which makes me your kid, Hades’ target, and totally screwed. In the myth version, I’m the innocent maiden, you’re the grieving mother, and we’re reunited with great joy. Guess that’s why they call it a myth.

  Theo said the last time I saw you was just before Kai kidnapped me and dragged me to the Underworld. Your parenting leaves a lot to be desired. Where were you? Why weren’t you protecting me when I was killed? Oh yeah, that’s the other part. While I was down there, someone murdered me. Luckily, Theo managed to spirit my soul away. Until a few hours ago, I had no idea I was anything but human.

  You know that whole “mine’s bigger than yours” war going down between the Underworld and Olympus? Theo thinks I’m the key to stopping it and the savior of all humanity. Talk about pressure. Yesterday all I had to worry about was passing gym.

  Now I’ve got all these sketchy memories that don’t add up and I don’t know who to trust. I mean, my supposed best friend Theo knew all this and he didn’t tell me.