“Oh sweetie,” Meri murmured.
“Do you still have feelings for him?” Anna asked.
“Does it really matter?” I answered as I shook my head. Another tear rolled down my face. “I’d be better off just forgetting the past. Remembering Keith hurts too damn much.”
CHAPTER SIX
CECELIA
“Your son totally cracks me up.” I slumped down next to Bryce on the leather couch in the den right after I managed to get the twins to sleep. “I only had to read them three books this evening. I was afraid I would conk out before they did.”
“Which one?” He reached for the remote to turn off the television.
I leaned over and rested my head on his broad shoulder and yawned. He wrapped his arm around me.
“Well, I guess both of them.” I smiled. “But this time I’m talking about Donovan. After I bathed the men I put some lotion on them. As I was rubbing it on Donovan’s arms, he asked me what kind of lotion it was. I told him it was baby lotion and he said ‘But I'm not a baby anymore.’ I could barely keep a straight face.”
“It’s good to see you smile, Cee.” Bryce stroked my face softly.
I grabbed the afghan Anna’s mother-in-law, Connie, made and wrapped it around me. Even though it was the middle of June, there was still a chill in the air. “What do you mean?”
Bryce ran his hand through my hair. “I don’t know. You haven’t been acting yourself lately.”
“What are you talking about?” Winston, my six-year-old golden cock-a-poo dropped his squeaky stuffed hamburger toy at my feet before hopping up on the couch next to me. He loved to be in the center of everything.
“Are you sure there isn’t anything bothering you, Cee?”
“No, I’m fine,” I answered as I absently scratched my dog’s head.
He sighed. “Are you sure there is nothing wrong?”
“Yes, Bryce. I’m sure.” I said quietly.
He studied me. “I don’t know if I believe you, babe. You haven’t been acting yourself for a few days. I wish you’d talk to me.”
“I don’t understand? We’ve been talking non-stop since I got home from work. Besides the boys reciting the alphabet three times, you and I talked all through dinner.” I forced a smile hoping I didn’t sound defensive.
“Yes, Cecelia, we had a lovely conversation about our days. That’s not what I’m talking about, and I think you know it. I want you to open up to me. I want you to really speak to me. I know you better than you think I do. I can read you like a book. Something is bothering you, and you’re pretending everything is fine. But it’s not.”
“Bryce, everything is fine,” I lied. Sometimes I really wished he wasn’t so intuitive. I also wished he’d understand when I was worried or troubled I preferred to sort out my thoughts on my own, rather than talk about it. It took me years to realize I’m an outgoing introvert.
He balled his hands into fists and quickly released them. His voice wasn’t exactly harsh, but it wasn’t completely kind either. “Don’t lie to me, Cecelia.” He must have caught the dog off guard too, because Winston yelped, then walked across me to lick Bryce’s arm.
I closed my eyes. “I’m not lying.”
“You’re not telling me the truth either, which in my book is lying. I sometimes don’t know what to make of you. I’m your husband. I love you more than life itself. I sometimes wonder if you even realize it.” Winston scampered out of the room. I wished I could follow him.
“Of course I know. And I love you too.” I reached for his hands and squeezed them gently.
His eyes filled with tears. “Yes, you say it all the time, but you don’t always show it.”
I tossed the blanket to the side. Suddenly I was sweating. “What don’t I show Bryce?” I shook my head. “I think I show my feelings quite well.”
“Yes, sweetheart, on the surface you do. But deep down, not so much. You keep everything all bottled up. We speak all the time, yet we hardly ever really talk. I’m always left wondering what is really going on in your mind and what you’re really feeling. It’s frustrating. We’re supposed to be a team, you and me.” He placed his arm on my thigh. “And yet, I feel like you are always running solo.”
“Bryce, I’m not like Anna. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve. I can’t sit and discuss to death every thought and feeling I have. I never was able to and I probably never will be. I’ve always been this way, and you know this.” My voice cracked as I tried unsuccessfully to hold back my tears. “Why are you making such a big deal out of it now? Why do you want me to change? Why do you want me to be someone I’m not?”
“I don’t want you to change.”
“Yes,” I sniffed, “you do. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be having this conversation now, would you?”
He looked at the ceiling. “It’s not that.”
“Then what is it?” I ran my fingers through my hair.
He signed deeply. “To tell you the truth, I honestly don’t know. I’ve lived through your moods before. I’ve always been able to tell what’s troubling you, even if you don’t express your feelings fully. This time I’m clueless, and it’s worrying me sick.”
I counted to five silently and took a deep cleansing breath. “Bryce, how many times do I have to tell you I am fine?”
He smirked. “Maybe until I believe you. Something happened at the wedding, Cee. I wish you’d just talk to me.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Why do you think something happened? Have I been forcing you to watch too many rom-coms with me?”
“Probably. Come on. You know I’m right. You were so excited about the wedding all day, remember? You were so happy for Anna and Bea. You couldn’t stop talking about it. You acted perfectly fine on the way to the club. And before the ceremony, when we were waiting around with Anna and Cole’s family sipping champagne, you were totally yourself too. But then, suddenly, without any warning, your mood completely changed.”
I didn’t answer, I couldn’t.
His eyes locked with mine. I felt like he was staring into my soul. “Are you going to deny it?”
I tried to return his gaze with equal intensity. “Deny it? Bryce, I’m sorry. You’re talking crazy.”
“No Cecelia. I’m not. Something happened to you right before the ceremony. Anna noticed it too. Remember? You turned as white as a ghost, as if something upset you. Badly.”
I shrugged nonchalantly. “I told you I forgot something at work.” I sat back down on the couch next to him.
“Yes, you did. And I believed you. But then you didn’t act like yourself during the reception. Days have gone by and you are still not acting right.”
I took a deep breath and let it out really slowly. “There’s a lot going on at work. I’ve told you. I have to get Jennifer Warner’s website up and running. She is a New York Times best-selling author, for God’s sake. It’s been years since her last book has been published. There’s so much riding on this release. I can’t risk falling behind. The site has to be up and running before the publication date.”
“Yes, I know all that. However, I don’t believe your mood has anything to do with her or her website. When you are stressed at work, you act differently. Kick ass, overachiever Cecelia takes charge. This time, you’re almost shut off. You’re sulky and distracted. You’re not eating. You barely touched your dinner and baked ziti with chicken is one of your favorites.”
I shrugged my shoulders.
“I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out what happened right before you changed, and I came up with something.”
“Oh, please share, Sherlock.” I prayed the smile on my face would mask the guilt and fear I felt in the pit of my stomach. “I can’t wait to hear your theory.”
He didn’t smile. “You changed when the judge entered the room.”
I struggled to keep my voice steady. “I what?” My heart pounded in my chest. Bryce was so astute. Normally it was one of my favorite traits of his, but not this time.
<
br /> “Yeah. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. You turned pale as soon as he walked into the room. And for the rest of the night, you were off. You didn’t act like yourself at all. Right before we headed home, I saw you talking to him. I watched him grab your arm. You looked very upset, babe. I can’t help but think there is something about the judge that is troubling you.”
“Oh Bryce, don’t be ridiculous.” I felt like I was going to throw up.
He rubbed his eyes. “I don’t think I am, Cee. Actually, I really feel like I am on to something.”
“I hate to break it to you, Bryce, you’re dead wrong.”
“So you’re telling me you don’t know the judge?”
“Yes.”
What was wrong with me? Why did I feel the need to lie to my husband? Why couldn’t I just tell him the truth? Why couldn’t I tell him Keith and I dated about twenty years ago and I was simply shocked to see him again? There was no shame in me telling Bryce I was once in love with Keith. After all, it wasn’t like my husband didn’t have a past too.
Bryce was previously engaged to another woman. Months after we married we attended a party and she was in attendance. As soon as he spotted his ex-fiancé, he brought me over to meet her. He handled the situation so differently. We only spent a few minutes with her— it wasn’t awkward at all. It was probably so comfortable and easy speaking with her her because he had always been so open and honest with me about their relationship and why he broke off the engagement.
I, on the other hand, never had discussed Keith with Bryce. I knew coming clean, telling my husband I once was involved with him was the right thing to do. But for some reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, and I hated myself for it.
Bryce stroked my cheek. “So, you really never met him before the wedding?” His tone was very soft and gentle.
Bryce gave me the perfect opportunity to set the record straight. I knew he’d understand if I told him the truth. He would be relieved. But he’d also want to know more about my relationship with Keith, and what happened between us. I wasn’t ready to open up those old wounds. I couldn’t.
“How many times do I have to answer the same question?” My tone was harsher than I intended.
Bryce raised his hands to his lips momentarily, as if he was debating what to say. “I never thought I would have to ask you this question. It’s killing me, but I’m going to have to.” He sighed deeply. “I don’t feel like I have a choice.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Are you having an affair with him?”
I jumped. “Am I what?”
Calmly, Bryce asked again, “Are you having an affair with him?”
“No, Bryce. I’m not. God!” I screamed. “How can you even ask me that question? How can you insult me that way?” A tear ran down my face, “How can you not trust me?”
“I trust you, baby.” Bryce tried to wrap his arms around me, but I pushed him away.
“Please. Don’t touch me,” I said softly. “If you’re asking if I am cheating on you, clearly you don’t trust me. I would have hoped after all these years you’d know I would never even think of being with another man. I would never hurt you, Bryce. I love you. I was positive you knew it and knew me. But now I’m not so sure.”
He looked heartbroken. “Oh, Cee, you’ve no idea how much I love you.”
“Yeah.” I shrugged. “Sorry. Just the fact you could sit here and ask me if I am cheating on you shows me you think I am capable of it. And it hurts, Bryce. It hurts a lot.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Yeah. Me too. I’m going to bed.” I picked up the remote control that was sitting on the coffee table and tossed it to my husband. “Here, watch some TV. I need to be alone.”
After I had gotten undressed and brushed my teeth, I crawled into my bed and sobbed into my pillow. I felt horrible and so alone. I sent a text to Anna.
Me: Just had a fight with B
Anna: About what?
Me: He said some really bad things and I lied.
Anna: Go on…
Me: He questioned if I knew K. I said no. B didn’t believe me. Then he asked me if I was having an affair with K.
Anna: WTF?!?!
Me: I know. I yelled at him and stormed out of room…
Anna: Why didn’t you tell him the truth?
Me: dunno
Anna: Why didn’t you ever tell me? I thought I was your best friend…
Me: U R!!!
Anna: Yeah. Well, it felt pretty shitty tonight to find out I knew nothing about someone you loved so much...
Me: I’m sorry
I pulled the covers over my head and held onto my phone tightly. I wanted for over fifteen minutes for Anna to reply, but nothing came.
Me: I should have opened up and told you years ago. Don’t be mad at me. I love you. XOXO
And then a fresh set of tears came. I knew I was making a huge mistake by dwelling on the past. I had to snap out of my funk, and move on, like I had done so many times before. I couldn’t let memories destroy my life. I worked so hard at keeping Keith out of my daily thoughts for years; I knew I could push him out of my mind again.
CHAPTER SEVEN
KEITH
I reached over for the bottle of California cabernet, which was sitting on the coffee table, and refilled my glass. After I emptied the bottle, I picked up my discarded fork and picked at the spinach ravioli I had brought in for dinner. I really needed to mix things up. I was such a creature of habit. For more years than I cared to remember, I had been ordering in from Marios’s at least once a week. Despite the fact I’d been so sick of their food, I just kept doing it. It was funny when I had first moved to the city I loved that any time of the day or night, with just one phone call, anything I wanted to eat would magically be delivered to my door. However, like so many other things over the years, the novelty wore off.
Unable to bring myself to eat another bite, I walked into the kitchen and dumped the contents of my carry out container into the trash. I looked around the room. Although it was much bigger, it was just as cold and impersonal as my first apartment was. I had been trying to convince myself over the years I had changed but I really hadn’t. I was still the same old Keith, making work my utmost priority at the expense of any true personal life.
Except for my five-thirty AM daily jog, and I guess work, I barely spent any time doing anything I truly enjoyed, like cooking. When I bought this apartment, besides the spectacular view of Central Park, I fell in love with the state of the art kitchen. The previous owners spared no expense. Every single appliance was top of the line. Yet after five years of living here, I still hadn’t used the BlueStar range once. Whenever I spent time with my sister, Jamie, and her family, I always ended up helping her and my niece, Jessie, prepare dinner. I loved to cook with them. After each visit, I vowed to start cooking for myself, but I never did. Hell, I didn’t even use plates anymore; I just ate out of carry out cartons.
“Screw it, I’ll take it” I muttered to myself as I sat back down on my couch and reached for my laptop. I scrolled through my emails until I found the one I was looking for. I took another sip of wine before replying to the real-estate broker.
With more than one motive, I picked up my phone. It was already ten-thirty. Fortunately, my friend answered on the first ring.
“Hey, Walter. I’m glad I caught you. I couldn’t remember when you and your lady love were leaving for Italy.”
“Sunday’s the big day. Beatrice is so excited, but she is driving me crazy with packing. I swear if I don’t watch my step I very well may find myself schlepping her entire wardrobe across the pond.
“Better you than me my friend.” I smiled as I envisioned him pulling a baggage cart containing fifteen Louis Vuitton bags and one worn knapsack through Customs with Bea trailing behind.
“Nah, I’m not complaining. If having sixty-five pairs of shoes at her disposal makes Beatrice happy, I’m happy too. I just hope I don’t end up getting a hernia in the process.”
I opened my desk drawer and pulled out the old, worn photo I’d kept for so many years. As I traced Cecelia’s face with my index finger I wondered if I’d ever find myself in the same position as Walter.
I took another sip of wine. “So, do you guys have any plans for the Fourth of July?”
“I’ll be damned!” Walter exclaimed. “You really did it?”
“Yep. Just now.” I swallowed hard.
“Good for you, my boy! I told Bea I thought you were going to. She didn’t agree. She was positive you’d chicken out.”
“Well, if I were betting I would’ve teamed up with Bea. I honestly didn’t think I would go for it either. Then I figured what did I have to lose. I could really use getting out of the city for a while, and the house is close enough to take the Long Island Railroad to court every day.”
“Which is exactly what I’ve been telling you! Oh, Keith. I think the salty air will do you a world of good.”
“I hope so. So I am leasing the house for July, August, and September. It’s in Atlantic Beach, in this townhouse complex. It seems great. There’s twenty-four-hour security, a pool, and I am only a block away from the boardwalk. I haven’t ridden a bike in years. Oh, and the best part? The house is on a private beach.”
“I can’t wait to see it. July Fourth you said, right? Of course I am going to have to double check with Bea, but count us in. You’re barbecuing, right.”
“Oh, you know it! I’ve been practicing at Jamie’s house.” I paused and rubbed my temple. “I can’t wait to throw my own little dinner party.”
“I’m looking forward.”
Changing the subject, I asked, “Has Bea said anything?”
“About what?”
“About me? Did Anna talk to her mother about me? Did Cecelia say anything? I did give her my business card, you know.”
Plan Cee (Secrets, Lies, and Second Chances Book 2) Page 4