“What are you saying, Cecelia?”
She leaned in and softly kissed me again. “I’m saying goodbye.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
CECELIA
“And then I simply said, goodbye,” I paused and took a sip of my mimosa. I really was lucky. I knew I didn’t deserve them, but I had an amazing group of friends, ones who truly loved me for me, despite how pigheaded and stubborn I tended to be. Even though I had been pushing them away, they all bounced right back to my side when I needed them the most.
Meri took the train to Long Island to meet Anna, Beatrice, and me for Sunday brunch at a small restaurant near my house. Since I finally figured out what I wanted, thanks to Bea, I needed their advice as to how to get it.
“And you shocked the crap out of him when you said it,” Beatrice chimed in. “He called Walter in a state probably as soon as you left the beach. Poor Walter,” Beatrice shook her head from side to side, “was on the phone consoling him for forty-five minutes! Thank goodness we had dinner plans. If not Walter would probably still be listening to him belly ache.”
I smiled, “It’s weird. It sort of makes me happy he was so shocked and upset. Am I even more terrible than I already think I am?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Meri scolded. “It should make you feel good. I know you didn’t want to be cruel, but come on, Cecelia. You were devastated when you guys split. He broke your heart. So it has to make you feel good he cared about you then and now. And I think it is pretty normal to feel some satisfaction he’s hurting now just like he made you hurt so badly all those years ago.”
“You’re right. I’m tired of hurting and I hate making other people hurt. Which is pretty ironic given my recent actions.”
“Listen to me,” Anna commanded as she pointed at her chest. “Yes, you hurt a lot of people recently. Look at us,” she turned and faced the other women. “We are all here for you, and we will always be here for you. We know you love us and we know you didn’t try to harm us intentionally. You found yourself in a difficult position, and you felt trapped.”
I nodded.
She continued, “You didn’t confide in anyone because you felt guilty. So no one was able to help you or prevent you from doing stupid things. Everything got out of control, fast. I’m sure, if you had the opportunity to do everything over again, you’d do things very differently.”
“For sure,” I replied as the waitress dropped off our omelets. Beatrice poked at hers instantly with her fork, examining it. She opened her mouth, most likely to complain about something. Anna grabbed her mother’s arm and gave her the stink eye as she shook her head. Beatrice miraculously got the hint, and the waitress retreated after we ordered another round of drinks.
“Some good came out of this experience,” Meri stated as a matter of fact.
“What?” I asked, shocked.
“It may have taken twenty years, but Keith managed to mutter the ‘L’ word,” Meri replied smugly.
“Multiple times,” I clarified. “I didn’t think he had it in him.”
“No, dear,” Bea waved her fork at me. “You didn’t think he loved you. Your biggest problem, Cecelia, is you don’t realize how lovable you are. I’ve told you this before. Hopefully, one of these days you’ll eventually start listening to one of us.”
“I’m trying. Which is why I asked you all to meet me today.” I took a bite of egg. “I wish I could change things. Hell, I wish I could erase the last few months, but I can’t. So what do I do now?”
“You need to talk to Bryce,” Meri stated.
“Yeah, I know I do. But he doesn’t want to talk to me. I’ve been trying. He won’t take my calls or answer any of my texts. Short of pretending it is an emergency, which will only piss him off more, I don’t know how to get his attention.”
Anna grinned, “I do!”
“How?” Meri, Bea, and I asked in unison.
“Cole and I invited him over for dinner Wednesday night.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“Don’t look at me like that. I felt sorry for the poor guy. He’s probably been eating takeout for the past few weeks unless he went to his mom’s for dinner. And we all know how awful a cook she is.”
“That’s an understatement,” I chuckled. Bryce’s mom made me look like a gourmet chef. The only difference is I know my limits and let others take charge in the kitchen. She, on the other hand, was convinced she could cook and shooed out anyone offered assistance. As far as I know, she never poisoned anyone yet, but dinner at her house was a painful experience.
“He’s supposed to come over around seven,” Anna continued. “Why don’t you come over anytime before? Cole, the kids, and I will go out and leave you there.”
“Cole will be okay with this plan?” I asked as I began to worry. “He won’t feel the need to tip off Bryce?”
“Don’t worry about Cole. I’ll take care of him. Besides, once he knows you ended things with Keith, he will be totally team reconciliation! We both love you two together. He’ll be glad to help.” Anna paused and took a sip of her Bloody Mary. “So, as I was saying, when Bryce gets to the house he’ll only find you. Now, I can’t promise he’ll stick around and hear you out, but I can guarantee he will see you.”
“Oh my God! This is perfect,” I gushed as I clapped my hands. “How am I ever going to survive with you living in Boston?” Anna and Cole decided to make the move. Cole was so excited about the opportunity, and Anna fell in love with the city. They found a beautiful house to rent in Massachusetts. They weren’t wasting any time. They decided to move in about two weeks so the kids could start the school year up there.
“First of all Boston isn’t so far away.” Beatrice chimed in as the waitress cleared our plates. “Second of all, there is this new fangled invention called the telephone. And third of all,” Bea pointed at Meri, “you still have us.”
Life was so strange. If you ever told me Beatrice Buchanan, Anna’s cold and distant mother, would be in my corner, I’d have never believed you. I guess sometimes we never really know the people in our lives until we give them a chance to prove who they really are.
I smiled at all the women, “I know. Thank you. I love you guys.” I turned and faced Beatrice, “All of you.”
“Now that we have that settled,” Beatrice announced, “Do you know what you are going to wear or what you are planning to say to him?”
Anna pointed at me. “You better have burned your new favorite white dress.”
“Oh don’t worry, I already tossed it in the trash, along with the sandals, sunglasses, and hat this morning.”
“Good girl,” Meri patted my head like a puppy.
“To answer your question, Bea, no I don’t have the foggiest clue what I’m doing. Help me! What should I wear? What should I say?”
Despite being the oldest member of this group, by far, Bea was clearly the resident fashionista. I wasn’t surprised she jumped in. “As for clothes, the most important thing is you need to wear something you feel comfortable and confident in. Don’t go fancy. And definitely don’t look too sexy. Don’t even think about being too casual either.” Beatrice, pointed at her daughter, “This one insists on walking around her house day and night in sweats. It’s totally not becoming. I keep telling you, you need to be more…”
“Okay, no sweats, I got it,” I cut off Beatrice before she could go on one of her tirades.
“Correct. And while your’re at it,” Beatrice scrunched her face, “You may want to do something with your hair.”
I reflectively touched it.
“What’s wrong with it?” I always received compliments on its color and length.
Bea made tsking sounds, “Really, you don’t know? It’s frizzy as hell. It is August in New York, and the humidity is high, go get yourself a keratin treatment for goodness sake.”
Anna and Meri nodded their agreement, so I made a mental note to schedule an appointment pronto.
Anna turned to me, “And don’t practi
ce a speech. Don’t think too much about what you are going to say. If you do, it won’t sound real, and that will annoy him. Just speak from your heart. Tell him everything.”
Beatrice interjected, “Hopefully after our little chat, you’ve finally begun to be honest with yourself. Now it’s time to be honest with your husband.”
I glanced at my watch, “And speaking of being honest, I am heading to Connecticut in a couple of hours.”
“Why?” Meri asked.
“I can’t believe it, but I am driving to Stanford to meet Delanie, my half sister.”
“You are?” Meri asked.
“Yep. When she called me the other day to tell me my dad died she mentioned he wrote me a letter before he passed. She said he didn’t let her read it. She thought from how he was acting when he wrote it, it may help give me some closure. At first, I wanted no part of it or her…” I smiled at Beatrice, “After our talk, I realized in order to move forward I had to come to grips with my past.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
CECELIA
I dried a tear with my finger and checked my reflection in my rear view mirror one more time. Since Sunday afternoon, when I met up with Delanie, I must have read my father’s handwritten letter fifty-five times. Each and every time I did I cried. My tears were not only for my difficult past but also for the fact I will never have a future with him. I can’t say I’ve forgiven my dad, nor will I probably ever. For what it was worth, I do see him in a different light now. Finally understanding the reasons behind his actions gave me a small bit of peace. And having something written by him, after all these years, was something I couldn’t help but cherish.
“Okay, it’s show time,” I said to myself as I reached over to the passenger seat and grabbed my handbag. My stomach ached, and I felt slightly nauseous from nerves. I still had no idea what I was going to say or do when I saw him again. I was petrified he’d take one look at me and run the other way.
“Hey, Cecelia! Come on in,” Cole said as he opened the front door before I even had a chance to ring the bell.
“Hi Cole,” I said as I gave him a small, sad smile, I avoided looking him in the eyes.
He reached for my arm, “Listen, Cecelia. I’m sorry, about everything. I know I put you in a very bad position by telling Bryce what I knew. I didn’t feel like I had a choice. I know if the roles were reversed, I would want him to be honest with me.”
“I know.” I swallowed hard. I took a deep breath. “I was so pissed at you, I’m not going to lie, I’m sure Anna told you.”
Cole grinned, “She sure did give me an earful.”
I snorted, “Yeah. Time has helped calm me down. I know you were coming from a good place when you spoke to Bryce and while I wish everything were different, I realize he needed to know the truth. He deserved it; he deserves better than me.” A tear rolled down my cheek, and I wiped it with my finger. “Let’s be real. I wasn’t going to open up and confess to him, so it was good you did it for me. I just hope he doesn’t hate me forever. I really love him, Cole.”
Cole hugged me. “I know. He loves you too. And while I really don’t know what he’s thinking now, I do know both Anna and I are rooting for you guys to work everything out.”
***
In the hour since the O’Conner’s left the house, four restaurants showed up at their front door with bags of food. While I may not be a wiz in the kitchen, I sure was amazing when it came to ordering in. I set up a smorgasbord featuring all of my husband’s favorite dishes on their dining room table. I had pretty much every nationality covered—Italian, Chinese, Indian, and sushi. If Bryce were hungry, he’d no doubt find something he was in the mood for. And if he decided to storm out as soon as he laid eyes on me Anna wouldn’t have to worry about feeding her family for a week. Well, with the amount of food I’d purchased, Anna probably wouldn’t have to cook for a week regardless of what happened tonight.
As I removed Bryce’s favorite bottle of Sauvignon Blanc from Anna’s freezer, which I brought from home, I heard the front door open. Bryce was never one for ringing bells. “Anna, Cole,” He called out, “I’m here.”
I swallowed hard as Anna’s cat, Lila, gently brushed against my legs. I bent down and scratched her neck as I tried to calm my racing nerves.
“Violet! Harley! Hello! Where is everyone?”
Slowly I walked from the kitchen to the front of the house. “Hi Bryce,” our eyes met. His mouth hung open, but no words come out. Shock was apparent on his face. “They’re not home. They went to Connie and Patrick’s for dinner. It’s just… me.”
“What are you doing, Cecelia?” He asked as he studied me. I followed Bea’s advice. I was wearing form fitted white jeans, which I paired with a sleeveless black tunic and white wedge sandals. It was actually Bryce’s favorite outfit of mine.
“I needed to talk to you. Since you weren’t answering any of my calls or texts, this was the only way I could figure out how to see you.”
“Damn, Cole,” he muttered.
“Don’t blame Cole. It was Anna’s idea; he just went along with it. If you don’t want to talk to me, I understand. It’s fine.” I waved my hand towards the door, “You can leave now. But I really hope,” my voice cracked, “you don’t walk out right now. All I want to do is talk to you. Please?”
He rubbed his forehead, “Okay. I guess we can talk.” Looking pained, he added, “You look beautiful by the way, I love your hair.”
Got to give Beatrice props, the woman knew her stuff! I was thankful I was able to get squeezed in for a keratin treatment yesterday afternoon. “Thanks.” I smiled, “I figured I should look better than I’m feeling.” Before he could reply, I added, “Come on, sit down. Let me get you a glass of wine, okay.”
He nodded and I went into the kitchen to fetch the wine and two glasses.
“So you wanted to talk?” he said as soon as I sat down next to him and handed him a glass, which he instantly put on the table, disinterestedly.
I took a sip of wine, “Yes, I do.”
“So talk.” He looked at his watch, even though I knew he had no place else to be, well besides away from me.
“Are you hungry?” I pointed to the dining room where the buffet was lined up. “I’ve got all your favorites.”
He glanced in the direction of the food, “I see, but I’m fine. I don’t want to eat anything right now. You said you wanted to talk, so please Cecelia, just cut to the chase and talk. Stop stalling.”
I sighed deeply. “Okay. I just don’t know where to start or what to say, except I’m so sorry. I made a mess out of everything, and I hurt you so much. Hurting you was the last thing I ever wanted to do, because Bryce... Oh God. You have to believe me. I love you so much.”
“Yeah, well. For someone who claims to love me, you sure have a funny way of showing it, don’t you? Do you really expect me to believe you love me?”
“No. I guess I don’t. But I’m telling you the truth.”
He stood up and walked to the window. He stood there for a few seconds and slowly turned around. “Truth? What the hell do you know about the truth, Cecelia? I know you have been lying to me for months. For all I know, you could have always been lying to me. I don’t know what to believe anymore.”
“You’re right, Bryce,” I shrugged my shoulders. “I’ve been lying. I’ve lied to you for months. And I’ve lied to myself for far longer.”
“Well that’s reassuring,” he muttered as he took a sip of wine.
“I’m trying to be honest here. It isn’t easy for me. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching since you left. I had a huge heart to heart talk with Beatrice, of all people, if you could believe. She helped me see myself, and some of my actions, a little more clearly. I know I have a lot more work to do. It’s not going to be a quick fix, so I found a therapist as well. I have my first appointment with him on Thursday night.”
Bryce didn’t say anything. He just nodded.
“I only saw Keith one more time after you left.”
“I don’t want to hear about your rendezvous with your lover.”
“You need to,” I said firmly. “I went to his house Saturday afternoon to end things with him. I told him I couldn’t see him anymore. I explained my heart belonged only to you. And while I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me, I do know he could no longer be part of my life.”
“Your words are lovely, but Cecelia, talk is cheap; you’ve clearly been pining after the man for years. Now all of a sudden, after a summer of fun no less, you’re just done?”
“Yes.”
He rolled his eyes, “Well, you know what? I find that impossible to believe. How stupid do you think I am anyway?”
“I don’t think anything of the sort, Bryce, I don’t expect you to understand. Hell, until recently I didn’t understand either. I do now. Can I please try to explain? Can you please try to hear me out? This isn’t easy for me.”
“Well, the past few months sure haven’t been a walk in the park for me either, babe.”
“I know. God…I’m sorry.” I squeezed his arm, “I fucked everything up. I know it. I just want to try and explain myself as best as I can. Truly, I don’t expect you to forgive me. I just want you to stop hating me a little bit.”
He swallowed hard and rubbed his forehead, “If only I could hate you, Cecelia, this would be so much easier.”
I gave him a small, closed mouth smile, “Well, I hate myself enough for both of us. And I have for a very long time.” A tear rolled down my cheek. I brushed it away with the back of my hand. “You know, I always blamed myself for my father leaving. You and my mom, when she was alive, always tried to convince me it wasn’t my fault. I never saw it that way. I figured I had to have done something to cause him to dislike me so much that he never wanted anything to do with me. Maybe I would have felt differently if he hadn’t started a new family so quickly. But he had a daughter who he apparently loved. I tried to put on a brave face. I lived an act, my self-esteem was weak, to say the least growing up. As the years passed, it kept getting worse.”
Plan Cee (Secrets, Lies, and Second Chances Book 2) Page 20