by Amy M. Reade
Ellie practically fell into bed after dinner. Her eyelids started to droop before we finished eating, and she yawned several times. She lay down in her new room, and I lay on my side next to her as she snuggled in for the night.
“I’m so glad to have you back,” I told her for the thousandth time that day. “I’m a very lucky mum.”
“I missed you, Mummy,” she said, nestling her head against my arm. “Daddy got angry sometimes when I was scared and didn’t know where you were.”
“I know. I’m sorry you were scared. I was trying very hard to find you. So was James.”
She nodded, barely awake by then. I kissed her on the forehead and watched in the dim glow from the nightlight as she fell into a deep sleep, her breathing slow and regular. It took all my willpower not to wrap her in my arms and hug her all night. But she needed a good, long sleep. I could spend the rest of my life hugging her.
James, Sylvie, and Seamus were waiting for me when I went back into the living room. They were full of questions.
“Is she afraid in there by herself?” Seamus asked.
“Did she ask for Neill?” asked Sylvie. “Did you remember to turn on the nightlight?”
I rolled my eyes. Has any mother ever forgotten to turn on a nightlight? Would any child let her forget?
“She’s fine. Sleeping soundly already. And yes, I checked the window latches three times to make sure they’re locked. She didn’t ask about Neill, but I assume we’ll talk about him soon.”
We kept our voices down while Ellie slept. I had planned to sleep in my bed, but I couldn’t. I pushed an armchair into the narrow hallway by her bedroom door and slept there instead. Or rather, tried to sleep. As tired as I was after the exhausting day, I couldn’t rest. I wanted so much to sleep next to Ellie that night, but it was more important that she rest without interruption. And I was still a bit nervous about crowding her too much. After all, it had been a while since we had seen each other, and I wondered whether she still harbored some latent resentment that I didn’t come for her while she was with Neill.
Before Ellie awoke the next morning, I called the police station in Bell’s Loch. When I spoke to the constable who had called me—had it really been less than twenty-four hours since that call?—she told me a little more about what transpired when Ellie called the police.
She had been alone in a small flat in town. Her voice had trembled as she spoke to the officer who answered the phone. She had told him she saw her mummy on television, and she wanted to know where her mummy was. She said she lived with her father, but he had gone somewhere and wasn’t back yet.
When the police arrived at the flat, it was clean and bright. It was also clear Ellie had been well-fed while she had been staying there. When the officers asked her how long she had been there, she didn’t know. She told them her home was in the United States. She hadn’t been to school since arriving in Scotland, and the circumstances of her arrival had been unclear to the police. They asked her how she had seen me on the television, and she responded that it was something bad and that I was yelling. When they asked her the channel she had been watching, she just pointed to the box.
“The one that’s playing now?” the officer had asked. She nodded. The police took her with them and made a call to the television station. After a little research, someone at the station had discovered the video footage of the crime scene and notified the police, who tracked down who I was, why I was in Scotland, and that the girl was, indeed, my daughter.
“Here’s what confuses us, though,” the officer said. “The flat is not in your ex-husband’s name, and we haven’t been able to learn who it belongs to or who has been paying the rent. According to the landlord, the rent arrives in an envelope under his door once a month, in cash, and the signature on the lease is unreadable. It appears the person who signed the lease was using an alias and it was sent by fax, so he’s never actually met the leaseholder. Do you know who might be renting the flat?”
I thought for a long moment. “I know Neill has been in contact with the loan sharks since he arrived in Scotland, but I doubt any of them would have paid for his flat. Maybe his girlfriend? How long has the person been renting it?”
“Several years. Who’s the girlfriend?”
“I don’t know. She doesn’t live there?”
“It seems not.”
I told the officer I would try to find out, then thanked her again for finding me. The officer said she would email photos of Neill’s flat to the police station in Edinburgh. I could peruse them there to see if there was anything I recognized that could give them a clue as to who rented the flat.
Ellie wandered into the kitchen a few minutes later and greeted me with a yawn and a hug. How I had missed that! We had breakfast together, then I shooed her to the bedroom to get dressed because I had plans for us to spend the day together.
Ellie was still wearing the same clothes she had worn the previous day, so our first stop was Jenners to buy her some new clothes. Laden with bags of skirts and dresses, leggings and tops, and two cute pairs of shoes, we stopped for lunch at a café and then dropped off our purchases at James’s museum. He promised to meet us for dinner, and we continued our fun.
Ellie was delighted with Camera Obscura, a popular tourist attraction. At the top of its 150-year-old observatory were panoramic views of the city, enhanced by telescopes revealing miles of countryside. We had fun exploring the mirror maze, the holography exhibit, and the optical illusions all throughout the magnificent building. Ellie especially loved the room where small people become large, and tall people become tiny.
We also took a long walk through Princes Garden, where she had fun chasing squirrels and playing peek-a-boo behind trees. Clouds of worry darkened her face a few times throughout the day, but each time I asked her if she wanted to talk, she shook her head.
She did tell me that she had spent much of her time indoors, though Neill took her to playgrounds and parks in the late afternoons occasionally.
I asked Ellie if people ever came to visit them at the flat where she stayed with Neill. She nodded. I didn’t want to scare her, so I spoke as casually as I could.
“Oh? Were they nice?”
She shrugged.
“Did you know them?”
“No.”
“Were they ladies or men?”
Ellie squeezed her eyes shut and pursed her lips. “Both.”
“Do you remember their names?”
She scrunched her mouth up and looked up. “No.”
I didn’t want to upset her, so I stopped my questions.
“When can I go back to school, Mummy?”
I had been waiting for that question. I had pondered it often in the quiet moments since Ellie came back to me, but I was still undecided. I knew how important it was for her to go back to school, but part of me held back. Neill had been able to take her from her supposedly secure school back in the States, and I had no idea what school security was like in Edinburgh. I wasn’t yet ready to return home to the U.S. when there were still too many unanswered questions in Scotland: Who killed Neill? Were Ellie and I still in danger? What had Neill needed the ten thousand pounds for, and who had the money now? I didn’t really care about the money since I had Ellie back, but if it meant we were still in danger, then I had to get the answers before I could feel safe anywhere.
“I don’t know, Pumpkin.”
“When are we going home?”
I smiled as I reached out to touch her short spiky hair. “I don’t know that, either. We need to stay in Edinburgh for a while.”
“Okay.” She didn’t seem to mind. I was relieved.
“Do you like Edinburgh?”
She shrugged. “I think so. It’s big.”
We held hands on the way back to the flat, where Seamus had made a scrumptious chicken tikka masala for dinner. We could smell the warm spices even before we went through the front door, and Ellie turned to me with a big s
mile.
“I smell Indian food!”
I laughed, knowing Seamus was trying his best to impress his littlest diner. He said a little bird had told him Ellie liked curries and Indian food, so he wanted to surprise her with a special treat. James arrived not long after we did, and our “family” enjoyed a leisurely dinner together while Ellie regaled everyone with the things she had seen during the day.
Not long after dinner, I put Ellie to bed while the others talked in the living room. I joined them for a dram of whisky, and eventually Sylvie and Seamus retired to their room to watch television. James and I were left alone in the living room. I snuggled next to him on the sofa. He put his arm around me and we sat in silence for several quiet, blissful minutes. Finally he spoke.
“When do you think you’ll be going back to the States?”
I looked up at him in surprise. “I don’t know. There are still a lot of unanswered questions here in Edinburgh. I don’t want to leave until I know for sure that Ellie and I will be safe no matter where we are, and I know how and why Neill died.”
James nodded.
“Why do you ask?”
“I was thinking how nice it’s been with you here. I don’t know what I’m going to do when you leave.”
He had just spoken the words I was afraid to hear. I shifted out from under his arm and faced him, my knees crossed under me. “I don’t know, either. But we are going to have to leave eventually. Ellie has to go back to school, and I have to get back to my students. And our home.”
He sighed. “What do you think we should do about it?”
“Do we have to do anything?”
“I don’t want to continue like this. I’ve given it a lot of thought. You know I love you, but I hate to think of how much it’s going to hurt when you’re gone.”
“So what should we do?”
He was quiet for a moment, then he spoke, a touch of hesitation in his voice. “Maybe we shouldn’t be seeing so much of each other. I mean, the more time we spend together, the more it’s going to hurt when we’re apart. And not just apart, but separated by an entire ocean. Thousands of miles.”
I was stunned. Did he just say what I thought he said? Was he suggesting we break up? I cocked my head and struggled for the right words, my mouth working silently.
“Um, what?”
He stared straight ahead. “I can’t keep spending all this time with you, knowing in the back of my mind that it’s all going to end, and I’m going to be alone when you leave. I think it’s best if we cut it off now.”
“So it’s better to be alone and suffer loss now, than to experience the good times and suffer loss at some point down the road?” I scoffed.
He shrugged. “It sounds silly when you put it that way, but yes, I suppose that’s basically what I’m saying.”
My head was already starting to hurt from my clenched teeth. “How can you honestly believe that? I thought we were a couple!”
“We are. I mean, we were. Hell, I don’t know what I mean anymore.” He ran his hands through his graying hair. “I need some space right now to figure out what to do next.”
“We just sat here for a long time with your arm around me! It was comfortable and perfect! And you were thinking about breaking up with me the whole time?” The heat was rising in my face.
“I don’t know. It sort of popped out of my mouth, though I admit it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while.”
A sudden thought struck me. “Does this have anything to do with Ellie?”
His eyes widened, and he shook his head vehemently. “Absolutely not. I think she’s a darling little girl, and I’m thrilled for both of you that she’s back.”
“Are you sure you’re not feeling jealous because of all the attention Ellie’s been getting? Or mad because now you have to share me with her?” I sounded petty even to my own ears, but I couldn’t help myself. “Or maybe you just don’t like her and want an excuse to get away?”
He stared at me, his jaw slack. Finally he recovered himself. “Greer, you know that’s ridiculous. I’m very fond of Ellie, and I’ve always assumed I’d have to share you once you found her. I’m not jealous at all.”
“I think you should go.” I walked to the door and held it open.
“Greer, this doesn’t mean we have to stop seeing each other completely. We can still get together sometimes.”
“Forget it.”
“I’m doing this because I love you, Greer. I’m trying to spare us more pain in the future.”
“Yeah, I know. Now please leave.” I motioned to the doorway. He picked up his coat and sighed.
“I’m sorry, Greer.”
I said nothing.
After he left, I shut the door a little too forcefully and sat down on the sofa. I wanted to cry, but no tears would come. My insides were twisted, my head ached, and there was a hard lump growing in the back of my throat. It hurt to swallow.
Sylvie came out of her bedroom. “Is everything all right?”
I didn’t answer.
She furrowed her brow and asked, “Did James leave?”
I nodded. “For good.”
She gasped. “You’re kidding!”
“Do I look like I’m kidding?” It was unkind, but I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t in the mood to feign niceties.
“What happened?”
“He said he loves me too much to keep seeing me,” I answered, making air quotes with my fingers. “Do you believe it?”
Sylvie put her hand over mine. “I’m really sorry, Greer. I thought you two would end up married.”
“Well, that’s not going to happen.” I laughed bitterly.
“You know, maybe it’s not over. Maybe he just needs some space.”
“It’s over. He suggested we get together sometimes, and I told him to forget it.”
“Why?”
“Because it would be too hard. I couldn’t do it.”
“I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better.”
“Thanks, but there isn’t.” I mustered a quivery smile for her.
Sylvie went into the kitchen, then returned a moment later with a tall glass of water. She gave me a sympathetic look before going into her room. I was staring at nothing and pretended not to see her.
When she had shut her door, I was finally able to let the tears come. I cried silently, not wanting Sylvie or Seamus to hear, or to wake Ellie.
There were so many emotions at war in my heart. Embarrassment, anger, disbelief, confusion. I still loved James and he said he loved me. So why were we doing this? Sure, it would be hard to go back to the States, but maybe we could have worked out an arrangement.
There was also guilt. I had come to Edinburgh to get Ellie back and I had her back. Shouldn’t I be consumed with joy over that? Shouldn’t that be good enough for me? How could I be concerned about my love life when I had just been lucky enough to get my daughter back? How could I be thinking about myself at a time like this? But I was thinking about myself, and I couldn’t help it.
I was suddenly exhausted. I needed more than anything to lie next to Ellie with my arms around her. I crept into her bed and put my arm gently around her, trying to banish thoughts of James from my head. I thought I would never fall asleep.
But I did sleep, and I didn’t wake up until Ellie stirred in the morning. I lifted my head with a groan, my neck muscles protesting, and Ellie rubbed her eyes, touching my arm.
“Mum, why are you sleeping here?”
“I wanted to make sure you’re safe, that’s all.”
“I’m safe. Don’t worry.” I rested my cheek against her downy head and closed my eyes as I breathed in her scent, the fragrance of soap and shampoo filling my nostrils.
I hugged her and rolled out of bed.“Mimsy is coming to see you today,” I said. “She can’t wait to get here. What shall we do with her?”
Ellie loved her Mimsy and was very excited
to hear she would be visiting. She jumped up and down and clapped her hands. “Let’s take her to Camera Obscura!”
I laughed. “You want to go back there?”
“Yes!”
For just a short while that morning, Sylvie and Seamus looked after Ellie while I dashed over to the police station to have a look at the photos from Neill’s flat. To no one’s great surprise, I didn’t recognize anything in the pictures. They were mostly shots of furniture and small kitchen appliances and bedding. I returned to Bide-A-Wee, excited to see Ellie. I felt sorry for having to leave her so soon after she was returned to me, but I couldn’t very well take her to see the photos.
When Mum arrived, she broke down and cried when she saw Ellie. She couldn’t stop touching Ellie’s head. Eventually Mum regained her composure, and the three of us walked down to Camera Obscura. We spent a few hours going through the fascinating place, and Ellie was delighted to show her grandmother all the exciting things she had found there.
We went home after a light lunch. Ellie retreated to my room to read some picture books Mimsy had brought her while Mum and I talked in the living room.
“What’s next for you and Ellie?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I want her to go back to school— she wants to go back to school—but I’m not comfortable with the idea until I know we’re not in danger anymore.”
She nodded. “I agree. You can’t be too careful. At the risk of repeating myself, why don’t you two come down to stay in Dumfries while you figure everything out? I’d love to have you stay with me until you know what you’re going to do.”
My first instinct was to stay in Edinburgh. After all, there was James. But then I remembered he had ended things. There was no one to keep me in the big, beautiful city. Sylvie and Seamus were here, but their lives would continue without great interruption if I moved out. Maybe Ellie would be better off in a smaller town. But I loved living here, with the magnificent museums and the gorgeous old buildings and the endless possibilities for study. And I was sure Ellie liked being in Edinburgh, too.