by Deb Kastner
“So you’ve met him before, then? He’s your age? You’ve seen him face-to-face?”
Zooey sighed overdramatically. “Yes, Mom. He’s in summer school with me.”
Not so long ago, her daughter had been a sweet little infant curled in her arms. It had been easy to protect and care for her then.
Where had the years gone?
Zooey was old enough to date, although up to this point she’d shown little interest in any particular guy, at least as far as Rachel knew.
Zooey used to talk to her about these things, but lately, not so much. The thought of Zooey dating frightened Rachel more than she could say. She knew it wasn’t fair to project her own teenage inadequacies on her daughter, but she couldn’t seem to help herself.
Zooey was a different girl from the teenager Rachel had been at her age. Zooey was smart. Confident. Beautiful. Maybe too much so. There was no doubt she would be catching the eyes of Serendipity’s young men. And all it would take was one bad decision, one mistake, one misjudgment.
Life could change in an instant. She knew that from her own life and had been reminded of it when she’d been talking with Seth at the auction. Rachel wanted her daughter to be able to be free to chase her dreams, something Rachel had never been able to do, but in order to do that, she had a lot of hurdles to jump.
Rachel had been insecure as a teenager and peer pressure had overwhelmed her. She’d had body-type issues and high school bullies had sometimes fat-shamed her into doing things she would not otherwise have done.
That was how she’d gotten pregnant with Zooey—trying to find someone who would love her for who she was. But the boy had dumped her the moment he found out she was pregnant, accusing her of sleeping around and denying that he was even the father of her child.
He’d never loved her. Looking back, she was pretty sure he’d never even liked her. Rachel had found out the truth the hard way.
She didn’t want that for her daughter. But she couldn’t seem to find a way to express her concerns without sending Zooey on another rant, angry that her mother didn’t trust her.
Rachel didn’t know how to bridge the gap that was growing between them, but she had to try.
She sat down on the couch, curling one leg underneath her and turning toward her daughter. “I was thinking maybe if you got more involved in church activities, you wouldn’t feel so inclined to skip Sunday services.”
Zooey twirled a lock of her dark brown hair around her finger and didn’t say a word.
“You’re really good with my day-care kiddos,” Rachel continued. “Maybe you could teach Sunday school when fall comes. The preschoolers would love you. And I’d like to see you go back to youth group this summer. Didn’t you used to have a lot of friends there?”
Zooey wouldn’t meet her eyes.
She looked—what?
Frustrated? Upset? Stricken?
“Zooey?” she prompted when the girl did not speak. “What are you thinking? You can be honest with me.”
“I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” she mumbled.
“This isn’t about my feelings. It’s about trying to figure out some solutions that will work for both of us.”
“Well, I don’t want to go to youth group anymore. None of my friends go to church. They think it’s stupid.”
Rachel felt like someone had slapped her. This was one battle she really didn’t want to lose, watching her daughter walk away from the faith she’d been brought up in. But how could she stop Zooey from sliding down that slippery slope?
She pinched the bridge of her nose where another headache was developing.
Peer pressure.
Rachel’s breath snagged in her throat. She knew all about peer pressure.
Lord, help me reach my daughter.
“Which friends are those, exactly?” she asked through a tight jaw, barely restraining herself from adding that those friends probably weren’t real friends at all if they led her away from church.
“Lori and James. We want to hang out at the community pool and get a good tan once summer school is over. That’s where all the cool kids go.”
“I see.”
She saw all too well. But she didn’t know what to do about it.
Push her? Back off?
At least it was just suntanning at the pool.
For now.
“I’m not going to force you to go to youth group, if that’s what you’re worried about. But you should have been honest with me earlier and told me that you didn’t want to go rather than lying about being sick. You don’t want to participate? Then don’t. But please, be honest with me either way. And don’t make your decision based on what your friends think. I’ve taught you better than that.”
Zooey stared at her a moment without speaking. Rachel held her breath, praying she’d gotten through to the rebellious teenager. But when her daughter picked up the headset to the video game console, intending to hook it back up to the system, Rachel felt a sinking certainty that her words hadn’t had any impact at all. Reaching out to her daughter wasn’t going to work this time. So instead, she’d have to try standing firm. She stopped Zooey with a hand on her arm.
“You may be your own person, but you are sixteen years old and you are living in my house, so I make the rules. No video games on Sunday.”
Zooey’s face turned red and she dropped the headset onto the coffee table, where it bounced and then clattered onto the wood floor.
“I’ve had enough of your attitude, young lady.”
“Fine.” Zooey scowled and then marched straight out the front door.
“Where do you think you are going?” In her frustration, Rachel enunciated every word.
“Out. I’m going out. I can’t stand this. I don’t want to be around you right now.”
“Zooey, stop.” It wasn’t a suggestion, but the teenager ignored it anyway and shot off down the street on foot, not even bothering to look back.
Rachel huffed out an irritated breath and made to follow her, but just as she was leaving, Seth pulled into her driveway and exited his car—
With a baby in his arms.
* * *
Seth’s knees were weak and his gut clenched into knots in an excruciatingly uneven rhythm. His vision felt fuzzy and it was all he could do to plant his feet on the ground, step by agonizing step. The only thing that was keeping him upright was the fact that he was carrying a two-year-old baby in his arms, curled up against his shoulder and sound asleep.
The baby he had vowed to protect, never realizing that one day he would be called to do just that.
Grief sucker punched him, but he willed it back. He had to stay strong for Caden’s sake.
“I saw Zooey fly out of here,” he said, rocking back and forth on his heels and patting Caden’s back. “Is everything all right?”
Rachel nodded, tight-lipped. Her face was flushed red and marked with lines of strain. She didn’t look much better than he felt.
“Well...good.”
He hesitated. Obviously this wasn’t a good time for Rachel. He wasn’t even positive why he was here, except for a niggling sensation in the back of his mind that Rachel might be the one person in Serendipity most able to understand what he was going through right now.
She narrowed her gaze on him, studying him intently. “You don’t look so good. Would you like to come in?”
“Um, yeah. Thanks.”
He followed her through the door and took a seat on the plush armchair. Thankfully, the baby was still sound asleep on his shoulder. Seth hadn’t been able to get Caden to stop crying earlier in the day.
He’d tried everything to no avail—changing, feeding, rocking. Nothing had worked until the little tyke had finally worn himself out.
It was only one of many ne
w challenges he was about to face. Despite the way his family had rallied around him, he’d never felt so alone in his life.
“Would you like some coffee? It’ll only take me a minute to make us a pot.”
“No, thank you.”
She gestured to Caden. “I see you’ve got Caden with you. I love that he has Luke’s blond hair. He’s such a sweetheart. Are you babysitting for Tracy today?”
This time he couldn’t hold his grief back. It burned like molten lava from his gut to his throat and he had to swallow hard just to speak.
“Tracy’s dead.”
Rachel’s eyes widened and she grasped for the arm of the sofa, shakily seating herself.
“I’m so sorry. I hadn’t heard.”
“To tell you the truth, I feel numb, like I’m in the twilight zone or something. Yesterday afternoon, she dropped Caden off at my house, saying she had a bad headache. She asked me to watch him. I thought I would only be babysitting for a couple hours.”
He blinked hard several times to erase the moisture forming in his eyes.
“Tracy...she...she passed away last night. She didn’t just have a headache. She had a brain aneurysm. One second she was here and then she was gone. I’ve been with my family since yesterday trying to process everything.”
“Lord, have mercy.” Rachel whispered the prayer. “Poor Tracy. Poor Caden.”
Rachel’s gaze was full of compassion, but she didn’t speak further, as if she somehow knew he needed to get it all out at once.
“May I?” She stood and held out her arms for Caden, who had awoken and was making tiny sounds of distress.
As soon as Caden was in Rachel’s arms, his crying abated. To say the woman was naturally gifted with children would be an understatement. Caden was responding to Rachel way better than he had to Seth or even to Seth’s mother or sister throughout the long, grief-filled day.
This was so hard to talk about, or even to think about. The circumstances were surreal.
He felt more helpless at this moment than he had even when he’d seen his best friend gunned down right in front of his eyes.
“You know how the Bible says God won’t give you more than you can bear?” he asked, his voice cracking with strain.
She nodded and ran her palm over Caden’s silky hair, quietly shushing the baby.
“I don’t think that verse is true. I think God has just given me way more than I can handle.”
He pulled in a deep breath and continued. “The reading of the will is going to happen directly after the funeral. I already know what’s in it. Luke and Tracy appointed me as Caden’s guardian should anything ever happen to them, but—I don’t know. I never thought it would actually play out this way. After Luke’s death...well, I should have realized whole lives can change in a split second. But it’s just not something that I wanted to think about, so I put it out of my mind.”
“There’s no one in Caden’s extended family who might be able to take him?”
“No, Luke told me that wasn’t an option back when he asked me to be godfather. Luke’s parents died in a car crash a few years ago. His grandparents are in an assisted-living facility. Tracy’s dad is disabled from a stroke and needs constant care from her mother. They’re in no position to raise a child, even their own grandson. Tracy has a sister, Trish, but I’ve never met her. Luke told me she took off for New York the moment she graduated high school and never looked back. She wasn’t at the wedding, and she’s never even met Caden, to my knowledge.”
He set his jaw to clamp down the emotions roiling through him. “I’m all Caden’s got.”
“You’ve got your family to support you.”
“Yes, but—” Panic reared and bucked in his chest like a wild stallion. “Luke and Tracy left me the Hollister ranch, as well. It’s been in the family for generations. It’s Caden’s legacy. But I’m not a rancher, Rachel. I hardly even know how to ride a horse, and I don’t know the first thing about running a cattle business. I can’t do this.”
Rachel was silent for a moment.
“Of course you can,” she said at last.
“No. I...I had plans. I wasn’t going to stick around Serendipity. I’ve already got college lined up, although obviously now there’s no way I’m going to go.”
His panic was rising steadily in his chest. “I can’t be Caden’s daddy. I don’t know how.”
She chuckled mildly. It wasn’t a happy sound, but her expression radiated empathy. “Not to quote clichés at you, but you know what they say about the best-laid plans. You’ll find a way—a way to take care of Caden and to get your education if you want.”
“But a baby.”
She nodded. “I understand. That’s why you’ve come to me seeking advice. I can empathize with you because I’ve been there myself. It’s mighty intimidating thinking about raising a child on your own. An unplanned pregnancy really threw my life into turmoil, and I was just a kid myself.”
Yes.
He’d come here thinking he needed to ask Rachel’s help in caring for Caden.
Of course, he needed to get Caden set up in day care so he could spend his days trying to figure out what he was going to do about the ranch. But now he realized it was more than that.
Because she really did know what he was going through, the outrageous cyclone of emotions that swirled through him, threatening to blow him away.
He looked her right in the eye. Her gaze was shiny, too, as he expected his own was.
“I am not responsible enough to raise a child,” he told her. “I’m only twenty-six myself.”
She reached out and touched his arm. The contact somehow grounded him.
Human-to-human.
“I was ten years younger than that when I had Zooey. And I really was all alone. You have your family—and me, if you need me, to help you get your bearings. God brought Caden into your life. He will see you through. It’ll take a while, but you’ll work this out. For Caden’s sake, you have to.”
He jerked his chin in a brief nod. He was glad she was straightforward with him instead of couching everything she said in softer language. He desperately needed to be told exactly what to do.
“How?” he asked gravely.
“By taking it one day at a time.”
“Sage advice.”
But not nearly enough.
“For starters,” she continued, “where is Caden sleeping tonight?”
“My place, I guess. I’m staying in one of my mom and dad’s cabins. I suppose I’ll have to move into the ranch house eventually, but right now, I just can’t be there. The memories are too fresh. They hurt too much.” He picked off his cowboy hat and threaded his fingers through his hair. “I hadn’t really thought about it. I can’t seem to think beyond minute to minute, much less one day at a time. How am I going to do this?”
“Stand up,” Rachel said, moving to his side. Her voice was strong and determined, as if she were giving him an order. “Now take the baby in your arms.”
Seth swallowed hard but did as Rachel bid, tucking a once-again-sleeping Caden against his shoulder. The boy was all toddler, with chubby cheeks and with thick arms and legs, and yet he was so light he seemed to curve right into Seth as he shifted his weight side to side in a rocking motion. The gentle rhythm of the child’s breath against his neck soothed Seth as much as the rocking did Caden.
“What are you feeling?” Rachel asked gently.
Seth closed his eyes and breathed in Caden’s little-boy scent.
How did he feel?
Nervous. Overwhelmed. Panicked. Devastated. And yet there was something more, something indefinable, hovering just below the surface.
He was responsible for this little human being. And even though it meant his entire life had just been turned upside down and backward, there
was something somehow...right...about holding Caden in his arms. He couldn’t name the emotions, but they were there, cresting in his chest.
“See?” Rachel murmured, even though Seth hadn’t answered her question aloud. “Pretty special, isn’t it?”
“Mmm,” Seth agreed softly, afraid to put his emotions into words.
“I have a mobile playpen that you can use until you have time to outfit yourself better. Caden will be able to eat finger food and finely cut meats, fruits and vegetables. I don’t even have to ask if you’re a healthy eater, so I imagine you’ll have everything you need already stocked in your refrigerator. Do you know how to change a diaper?”
“Caden is in those pull-up ones. My mom showed me how to work them. Although those dirty diapers are going to take some getting used to.” He wrinkled his nose at the thought.
“Since you’ve got the Hollister ranch to worry about, you’re probably going to need someone to watch him during the day. Or is your family on that?”
“That’s actually why I originally came over. It wasn’t to break down on you, I promise.”
She laid a reassuring hand on his arm. “I know. It just so happens that I have an opening in my day care, so you can bring Caden over in the morning while you take care of whatever needs doing at the ranch. No charge for the first week while you get on your feet and find the lay of the land. No pun intended.”
Her joke drew a slight smile from him. “I can’t ask you to do that.”
“You didn’t ask. I offered. Honestly, things are going to work out. You may not be able to see it now, but God’s got it all in His capable hands. Start walking the path, step-by-step, even if you can’t see a single thing in front of you. Trust Him to show you the way.”
“Mmm,” Seth said again. He wasn’t sure he believed what Rachel was saying, or even understood all of it, but she did, and he didn’t want to contradict her when she was doing so much for him.
“You’ll have to baby-proof your house right away. Toddlers have the tendency to get into everything and climb on everything. Caden will bump his head and fall to the floor more times than you’ll be able to count. But we can at least make the bumps less bumpy and the falls less painful.”