by Deb Kastner
She closed her eyes, struggling to counteract those thoughts and feelings by reminding herself not to take them seriously. Seth loved to tease. Even if he had meant what he’d said, it was only in good fun, and that was how Rachel was going to take it.
It was the only way she would take it.
She ought to be concentrating on staying on Fancy’s back, not on analyzing a handsome cowboy’s word choice, especially now that Jax had left them for a few minutes to go check on his twin baby girls.
And anyway, that was the shocking thing in this whole situation—she actually was staying on the horse. She’d made a few circuits of the corral, and she hadn’t slipped off the saddle. This was amazing. Pride welled in Rachel’s chest.
She was riding a horse.
Riding a horse!
She couldn’t believe where this day had gone. She’d had no intention of riding when she’d come out earlier.
Who knew she would be on a horse, enjoying a relaxed walk around the corral like a regular horsewoman? She was starting to get used to Fancy’s slow, rocking rhythm and was adapting to it. She wasn’t even clinging to the saddle horn anymore.
She wasn’t trotting like Seth and Zooey were, but she counted the fact that she was staying in the saddle at all as a win.
“Storm’s the one for Caden,” Seth said definitively. “Now, what about Fancy and Monty?”
Rachel narrowed her gaze. Caden needed only one horse. But Seth had a sparkle in his eyes that she couldn’t quite read.
“What about them?”
“I was just thinking,” he said mildly, “that there you are, doing well on Fancy, and Zooey on Monty. You both have good matches, too, right?”
She could see where he was going with this.
Kind of.
He had to be teasing, right? Seth with his typical enthusiastic shortsightedness. A horse was an enormous investment, never mind two. And it wasn’t as if she were going to become a regular rider.
Zooey was already beaming in anticipation.
Rachel caught Seth’s eye and shook her head. This was so not a done deal.
“I have a cat. Myst wouldn’t like sharing the house with a couple of horses.”
“Mom,” Zooey pleaded. “I’ll throw in all the allowance I’ve saved up.”
She met Zooey’s gaze. “You don’t have enough allowance to buy a horse. You used it bidding on Seth, remember?”
“There’s plenty of room in the Bar H stable,” Seth added. “You two can come out to ride anytime you want, borrowing our saddles and bridles. You don’t even need to call first.”
There were so many things wrong with this scenario, starting with the fact that she was being ganged up on. She had two sets of puppy-dog eyes on her, pleading for her to give in. That was hardly fair.
“We don’t have the money to buy two horses on a whim, never mind paying for the upkeep. Zooey, you can’t spend all the money you’ve saved on a horse.”
“But Monty is my horse. Can’t you see that? I’ll do anything. Get a part-time job. Help Seth take care of the horses every evening.”
“You have to finish summer school. When are you going to find time for a part-time job? Besides, honey, you’re going off to college in two years’ time. I’m fairly certain they don’t allow horses in dorm rooms.”
Zooey’s downcast expression nearly shattered Rachel’s heart. She hated to have to be the one to douse her daughter’s hopes and dreams. She felt worse than when Zooey was eight and she wanted a kitty.
Rachel had lasted two whole days before she’d broken down and they’d visited the local cat rescue to adopt Myst.
She couldn’t break down now. This wasn’t a cat. It was horses, completely impractical on every level—the biggest being counting on Seth to help shoulder the burden when he wouldn’t need her in his life forever.
She might be visiting the Bar H often now, but there would be a time, maybe in the not so far-off future, when Seth would find his foundation as a parent.
He might think he needed her right now, and maybe he did, but eventually he would adjust to life as a single father, and she was sure it wouldn’t be long before he found a nice young woman to settle down with—someone without the kind of baggage she carried. Then how would it look for her to show up at the ranch unannounced in order to ride a horse?
Seth looked disappointed, but he nodded, respecting her wishes.
“Just Storm, then. And I’ll pick up a children’s saddle from Emerson’s. I can’t wait to teach Caden to ride.”
“He’s a fast learner,” Rachel commented. “I have a feeling he’ll be galloping across the fields in no time.”
Seth’s eyes widened and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. She could tell he was picturing the scene in his mind, going through every parent’s personal crisis of imagining everything that could go wrong.
“In time, of course,” she added to quell the flicker of worry in his eyes. “I meant when he is older.”
They rode for another half hour before Jax helped them all dismount and led the horses back to the stable, promising to deliver Storm to the Bar H ranch within the week. Zooey lingered over Monty, feeding him a carrot and stroking his rich dappled mane.
With every turn around the corral, Rachel found it harder and harder not to want to find a way to purchase the horses.
Maybe Jax would take an installment plan. Or she could donate plasma every week for the next year.
She could picture it now, feel it, the lure of true country life, of riding off into the sunset on an amazing animal, perhaps with an equally amazing man.
She might even make it to a trot, eventually.
But her life was too complicated right now to consider adding any kind of change, especially one as large as a horse.
And Zooey had her own set of troubles to worry about. She didn’t need any extra distractions.
And as for Rachel, she needed to be concentrating all her time and attention on navigating Zooey through the rough waters of adolescence.
A cat would have to do for now.
And when Zooey moved out and got on with her life, Rachel just might make it a dozen.
She’d be the youngest cat lady ever.
“Earth to Rachel,” Seth teased as they drove back to her house. “Man, you were really out there in the ozone somewhere. Care to share? A penny for your thoughts, and all that. Or are we up to a dollar because of inflation?”
What?
He wanted her to tell him that he was looking at a future cat lady?
She didn’t think so.
“It’s nothing.” Because really, it wasn’t. “I think I’m just tired from all the excitement of the day.”
“You rode a horse.”
“I did.”
“That’s a pretty amazing accomplishment. And trust me. It grows on you.”
It certainly seemed to have agreed with Seth. He was getting there, starting to look more at home with his role as rancher. And father.
Really getting there.
But she wouldn’t grow to love horseback riding, because she was unlikely to ever do it again.
“You didn’t answer my question,” he said.
Question?
“Sorry. I must have missed it. What did you say?”
“I asked if you wanted to join me for the town’s Fourth of July celebration. Picnic and fireworks. Caden is going to love it. My whole family can’t wait to spend quality time with the little guy.”
Rachel’s heart leaped into her throat and then plunged back down again, lodging in an uncomfortable hard lump in her gut.
Was she hearing right?
Seth was asking her out?
Zooey, who was seated in the backseat of the dual cab next to Caden, stopped tickling and teasing th
e toddler in order to hear Rachel’s response.
Even Caden went still.
The silence was deafening and painful. Seth mostly kept his eyes on the road, but he occasionally glanced in Rachel’s direction. She couldn’t help but notice the way his fists clenched and unclenched on the steering wheel.
He actually looked nervous.
She thought about simply telling him that she wasn’t planning to attend the community event—and then follow through by staying at home.
But she hadn’t missed the Fourth of July celebration since the first year she’d moved to Serendipity, when Zooey was just a toddler. And Zooey had been talking about spending time just the two of them for a week now—Rachel didn’t want to disappoint her.
Oh, who was she kidding? With the way Zooey had been matchmaking, Rachel knew her daughter would be thrilled to cancel their plans so that Rachel could go out with Seth. But Rachel didn’t want to cancel the time with her daughter just so she could pretend for an evening that she had a chance at a romantic relationship that she was certain would never work out. There was no future for her and Seth—and only a small window of time left that she could spend with her daughter before Zooey was off living her own life. She needed to make the most of it.
After that, she’d have the rest of her life to be alone.
“Thank you for the invitation,” she said at last.
Seth’s grip on the steering wheel immediately relaxed and he grinned.
“Great. Do you want me to pick you up?”
“Let me finish. I appreciate your offer—”
“But?”
“But Zooey and I have special family traditions on the Fourth of July. And besides, you’ll be really busy with Caden and your family.”
“Mom,” Zooey protested, but Rachel held up a hand to stop her from arguing.
“I see.” Seth’s smile faded and his lips pressed into a hard, straight line as his jaw tightened and a tick of strain appeared in the corner.
“But again,” she repeated, “I do appreciate the offer. It was very kind.”
“Mmm.” Seth nodded.
The rest of the ride home passed in an uncomfortable, heavy silence. Seth wasn’t his usual talkative self and Rachel didn’t know what to say. Zooey was curled up, fuming, in the backseat, her earphones in her ears, and Caden had fallen asleep, probably from all of the excitement.
The only thing Rachel could think of to talk about was Caden’s new horse, but the conversation had taken a turn so far past that that she thought it would be awkward to return to it.
She was relieved when Seth pulled up in front of her house and she was able to remove herself from the tense situation.
Seth was pleasant enough with his goodbye, so much so that she wondered if she’d imagined the awkwardness between them.
But even if everything was fine between her and Seth, there was another relationship that was on rocky ground. And the outburst started the moment Seth’s truck rounded the corner out of sight.
Zooey turned on her, her face red with fury.
“Mom. How could you?”
“How could I what?”
“Seth asked you out—and you turned him down.”
“Yes, I did.”
“But why? Seth is a great guy. I could tell he was really upset when you said you wouldn’t go with him.”
“I know.”
“Then why? I know you like him.”
“I think we’ve already established that he is a nice man.”
“No, Mom. I mean, you like him, like him. You should call him or text him or something and let him know you made a mistake and you want to go out with him.”
“I don’t like like anyone. I’m not in high school anymore,” Rachel snapped, and then instantly regretted it. “I’m sorry, Zooey. I didn’t mean to be short with you or minimize your opinion. It’s just—Well, it’s a lot more complicated than that now that I’m an adult. I can’t just consider how I do or do not feel about him.”
“Why is it when adults don’t want to face something, they say it’s complicated? Everything in life is complicated. What advice would you give me if I was the one in your circumstances?”
Rachel sighed. “To follow your heart and not let anything get in the way of your dreams.”
“Exactly. So look in the mirror when you say that and ask yourself, why aren’t you?”
“Because you still have two years of school left.” Rachel grasped at the first excuse that entered her head.
Zooey’s eyes went big. “What does dating Seth have to do with me?”
“Everything. You’re the most important person in my life. I want to make sure I’m always there for you, to help you navigate through the rough waters that are ahead of you—if and when you need my help, I mean. That’s where my attention should be—not on some man I barely know. Besides, I’m busy with the day care.”
“But not too busy to help Seth with Caden.”
“That’s different.”
“How is that different? You’re spending all of your spare time with Seth anyway. Why not make one of those times an official date?”
Because...because...
She was scared to death.
“You’re right. I enjoy helping Seth with Caden, and I love how much you and Caden have bonded. But what if I date Seth and we end up breaking up? It won’t just be my heart that is broken. Our relationship would affect you and Caden, as well. Can you imagine the awkwardness we’d all feel when Seth brought Caden to day care?”
Rachel was speaking the truth from experience. In the past, the few times she’d been in a relationship she felt was serious enough to bring Zooey into the picture, it had always resulted in disasters. It took a lot for her to trust a man enough to even introduce him to her daughter.
And when it didn’t work out?
She couldn’t just hide out and nurse her broken heart—it would upset Zooey if she saw that Rachel was depressed. So she had to be cheerful and upbeat while explaining why her ex-boyfriend would no longer be coming around. There were no easy answers.
“So you’ve already brought yourself all the way from the beginning of a relationship to a breakup in one fell swoop, when you haven’t even gone out with him once. Nice, Mom.”
“I’m just being practical.”
“No. You’re not. You’re concealing yourself behind excuses so you won’t have to deal with the possibility of failure. You can’t live your life that way. Don’t hide behind me, Mom, or make me a justification for why you aren’t living your own life, chasing your own dreams. That’s not fair to me or to you. Two years is going to pass in a heartbeat. Even right now, I’ve got my own life to live. School to attend. Friends to hang out with. I love you, Mom, but it’s time for you to go start living for you. I want the best for you, just like you always have for me. And trust me on this—Seth is the best.”
They hugged for a long time and then Zooey kissed Rachel’s cheek before racing inside and upstairs to her room.
Rachel stood in the middle of the front lawn for a long time. She felt as if someone had replaced the blood that ran through her veins with lead.
She’d raised an amazing young lady.
Was it true, what Zooey was saying?
That she was making excuses, hiding behind her daughter so she didn’t have to expose her heart and risk being hurt?
She might be protecting herself from pain by putting up walls around her heart, but she was also keeping other emotions out—and keeping other people at arm’s length. Special people who could potentially change her life for the better.
Maybe she should call Seth and tell him she’d made a mistake. Maybe she should give the two of them a chance.
She pulled out her cell phone, stared at it a moment and then promptly repl
aced it in the back pocket of her jeans.
She felt her chest squeeze the breath out of her lungs just thinking about trying to move forward with her life.
Did she really dare open her heart again?
* * *
The Fourth of July dawned bright and clear without a cloud in the sky. A wonderful day for a picnic and an ideal sky for the spectacular grand fireworks finale.
For Seth, though, this morning wasn’t sunshine and roses. His mood was closer to cloudy with a chance of rain and nothing he did helped snap him out of it.
At first Seth hadn’t understood why Rachel turned him down. After all the time they’d been spending together recently, he’d thought Rachel and Zooey would enjoy spending the Fourth of July celebration with him and Caden, and with his family—the Howells and the Davenports.
He had to admit he was disappointed. And his ego had taken a direct hit.
He was eager for his sister, Samantha, and brother-in-law, Will, as well as his parents to get better acquainted with Rachel, the woman who’d helped him so much in his transition from bachelor to single dad.
He’d analyzed the conversation over and over again in his mind before he finally realized the truth of what had happened.
Rachel had thought he was asking her out on a date. And that was why she’d said no.
Wow.
Ouch.
And here he thought his ego had taken a hit when he believed she was turning down a family get-together.
If he was right in his conclusion, Rachel had turned him down.
Personally.
She was willing to help him when it came to Caden, but that was as far as it went. She didn’t want to spend time with him socially.
And the worst part was, now that the notion of asking Rachel out on a date had entered his thick head, it wouldn’t leave him alone.
He should have asked her out on a date for the town festivities.
Of course, she would have turned him down anyway. But he should have asked, with those intentions in mind.
Yes, they both had their fair share of responsibilities that would make pursuing a relationship challenging—and risky. It made his gut tighten just thinking about the possibility of failure. But when had he ever given up just because something was hard to do?