“Again… you promised!”
“I just feel like you’re making a huge mistake that you’ll regret!”
“Regret?” I hiss, feeling myself lose control. “I regret fucking everything, Hayley. I’m about to lose my inn to a man I’ve never met because of a man I screwed over unintentionally. I’m not speaking to my parents and I hate that because I miss them, but I’m too angry at my dad who screwed me over intentionally. I’m pregnant with my ex’s cells, but it’s not even the ex that is fucking me over right now. It’s the ex that fucking fucked me over five years ago… Oh, and I leave for Scotland tomorrow to start the job of my fucking dreams!”
“Elle…”
“I’m in way over my head. I can’t cope with any of this.” I tell her quietly and finally her arms come around me. The hug I didn’t realise I needed finally comes and I accept it eagerly, desperately. “I’m losing my mind.”
The door opens and Tyler pokes his head around it. “Is everything alright?”
“Get out!” We both yell and Hayley throws a pillow at the door. He closes it, shouting apologies and offering wine.
“Just promise me,” she whispers and brushes my tears away with her thumbs. “Promise me you won’t make any decisions or do anything without me.”
“Promise.” I hug her again. “What am I going to do?”
“I… I don’t know. I can’t believe this is happening.”
I know that she feels the weight of my burdens almost as heavily as I do. She’s a good friend; a better friend than me.
“But I really hope you’ll speak to Isaac.”
“I’ll think about it. I need time to come to terms with everything on my own first.”
She smiles faintly and pulls me in for another hug. “I understand. But you’d better call me, day or night, if you need to talk.”
“You too,” I say and pull back.
“Let’s go and eat something.”
“I’m not feeling hungry. I think I’m going to nap. You don’t mind, do you?”
She smiles softly and shakes her head. “Of course not. Tyler will be an okay substitute I suppose…” Her hand gently picks up my broken phone and holds it up so she can assess the damage from all angles. “Why would you do this to such a beautiful piece of tech?”
“Will you text my mum to tell her it’s broken but that I’ll call her when I arrive in Scotland tomorrow?”
“Sure.” She pulls her own phone out of her back pocket and starts tapping the screen. “What about the inn?”
“Don’t even get me started on that.” I sigh gravely and roll my head to relieve the ache in my neck. “I’m so stressed already. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to come out? Looks like you could do with a drink.”
Alcohol… the only way I can forget myself and my troubles for the night. “I can’t drink, remember?”
“But if you’re terminating anyway… what does it matter?”
The thought of drinking alcohol and distressing the cells in some way sends an ache through my heart. It’s a crazy thought, especially since I’m forcing it from my body.
It’s just a bunch of cells.
It probably hasn’t even attached to the wall of my uterus yet.
I repeat the words over and over again in my mind until it becomes a chant and even has its own backing tune.
“I’ll pass,” I croak and clear my throat to dislodge the lump there.
“Okay, I love you lots.” We hug again and she leaves, placing my shattered phone on her desk as she goes.
My hand goes to my stomach. Even though I don’t want this situation, the crazy notion that there’s something inside of me right now, growing and taking shape, leaves me feeling no small amount of wonder and awe. I prod the skin gently and sigh before flopping back onto the bed.
My life is fucked. What am I going to do?
******
Scotland is by far one of the most beautiful places in the UK. It has so much countryside, so much history. I can’t wait to visit the Loch and search for the Loch Ness Monster. It’s on my bucket list and nobody had better try to tell me that it’s not real.
I spend the next ten minutes fumbling with my borrowed phone as I wait in a small cafe for Gregory Hamish to join me.
Mum: How is it?
Eloise: It’s cold.
Mum: I have a bad feeling…
Eloise: About?
Mum: This venture… something. I don’t know! I got this feeling before you went to France too.
Eloise: I’ll let you know if it’s warranted but don’t worry, I don’t plan on eloping with anyone this time.
Mum: I know. <3 I love you.
Eloise: I love you too.
Then Isaac’s text comes through.
Isaac: How is Scotland? Thank you for saying goodbye before you left… Oh, you didn’t. Oops.
Sigh…
Eloise: Things aren’t great right now, Isaac. I’m sorry, but I just need some alone time. Please give my love to John.
Isaac: And she responds! Hallelujah!
“Miss Blackburn?” I look up into the wrinkled eyes of Gregory Hamish. He looks haggard and unkempt; his clothes are covered in paint and there is sawdust in his hair. I don’t mind though. I’m in the presence of a master. Taking his hand, I stand and stare, starstruck. “I’m sorry I’m late. I got lost in my work and well…” He motions to his clothing. “I came without changing. Ordinarily I’d meet you in something more presentable.”
“That’s fine, it’s an honour. Thank you for seeing me.”
He grins and motions for me to sit. We talk paperwork and I show him my portfolio. I almost cry when he tells me how impressed he is and then we leave to see his latest project, which I’ll be his apprentice on. If I do well, he’ll take me on full time.
I wish I had somebody to celebrate this with.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Isaac
Five years ago, if I’d had this kind of cash entering my account, I’d have probably been planning on how and where to gamble it. I’m not saying that the urge has gone but I’m not going to fall into that trap again.
I won’t deny that after rehab I haven’t completely avoided gambling, but I have never lost control. I’m fortunate. I haven’t gambled beyond the occasional bet with my dad for almost two years now, so I’m not worried about having a large amount of cash in my bank when it gets here. I’m more worried about Eloise’s reaction.
Jocelyn thinks I’m crazy for helping her and she might be right. Elle has… well she’s changed. The girl I knew is still in there somewhere hiding behind a bitter, untrusting facade. I can’t give up on her. I made her this way and I gave up on her for four fucking years.
I promised my life to her and wedding vows just aren’t taken seriously anymore. I don’t want to be that person. We may be divorced but I haven’t forgotten my vows. They don’t suddenly mean any less.
I don’t know why people can’t understand that.
In reality I haven’t even tried with her, not really. I’ve pushed myself onto her, had sex with her and dated her friend. I’ve fucked up. I’ve done nothing to show her that I actually give a damn about her existence. Begging her once or twice does not a convincing confession make!
Isaac: Please answer me.
I pack away my briefcase for my lunch break and neaten up the classroom. My students are exceptional this year. Their work is above par and their respect for me is amazing, but it’s not making me happy like it should.
It would be a happier day of work if I had somebody to go home to at the end of it and talk to about each student and how they’re doing and how I should handle certain things. I had that, once upon a time. I might not have been a teacher then, but I would have been eventually.
There’s a knock at the door and I yell for whoever it is to come in, thinking that it’s probably a student or another member of faculty.
It isn’t and it catches me off guard.
“Tyler?”
He clears his throat and runs his hands through his dark hair. We stare at each other for a long moment before panic starts to sink in.
“Is Elle okay? Why are you here?”
“No, god no… that’s not why I’m…” He blows out a breath. “What I’m about to tell you… Hayley will kill me, kill me, if she finds out I’ve told you.”
I straighten from my desk and face him head on. “Go on.”
“The girls, they have their code, but I feel like as guys we have our code. I can’t… I don’t want to go behind Hayley’s back but if it were me in your shoes, I’d want to know.” He curses under his breath and my heart rate spikes and my palms begin to sweat. “Eloise, she’s… well she’s pregnant.”
A vice like grip tightens on my windpipe as I struggle to breathe. “W… what?” So that’s why she isn’t talking to me. My head swims and my vision blurs. I feel sick. Thoughts of Elle becoming swollen with Silas’ child kills me. I can’t cope. I want to kick something. I want to scream. “Are they getting back together?”
“No.” He shakes his head. “It’s not Silas’. It’s yours.”
Passionate kisses and gropes in the kitchen come to mind.
All envy seeps away and I find myself smiling. A joy I’ve never ever felt in my life starts to consume me, setting a fire from deep within and spreading outwards to every part of me.
“You’re sure?”
“They were both up gabbing in the spare room a couple of weeks ago.” His green eyes look dim as he chews on his lip. I wonder if he has more to say but I can’t wait a second longer. I grab my coat, still smiling, no, beaming, and pull it on. I’m going to Scotland. I’m going to track her down, no matter what.
“Thank you for telling me.”
“Wait.” He reaches out and grabs my arm. “I’m not here to give you good news, Isaac.”
My smile fades away. “Then why are you here?”
“Hayley went up to Scotland this morning. I found the pregnancy test an hour ago, in the bin in the spare room. The last time Elle was at ours was two weeks ago. I thought it was Hayley’s test, so I called her, obviously.”
“Get to the point,” I say, not wanting to be rude but needing him to confirm my fears.
“She’s gone to be with Elle for a reason.”
My heart stops at his words, my palms sweating and a painful throb echoing through my head.
“She’s gone to look after her while she has a termination.”
Eloise
Tear after tear fall down my face. My eyes have become waterfalls. I could fill a glass.
Hayley holds my hand soothingly and leads me into the house. It’s the place I’ve been staying for two weeks. It’s cold, empty, hollow… like me. Like I’ve become.
“Nobody blames you, Elle.” She says softly, though it doesn’t soothe me like she intended.
“I just want to lie down for a while.”
I step through the front door of my ground floor flat and flick on the light. Hayley screams and I jump when a form takes shape before us.
Isaac sits on the couch opposite the door, hunched over. He slowly looks up, his eyes red rimmed, his hair a mess on his head from where he’s pulled on it too much.
“Isaac,” Hayley gasps and her hand tightens in mine. “What are you doing here?”
“H…” Tyler’s voice comes from the kitchen area and Hayley becomes angry in a second.
“You absolute bastard! How could you?”
“I’m sorry, Elle,” he says to me, his eyes round with sadness, but I just don’t have the capacity to feel much of anything right now.
“I can’t even… don’t even talk to me right now,” Hayley yells at him, holding her hand up to keep him back. “How fucking dare you?”
“Hayley.” I release her hand but my eyes don’t leave Isaac. “It’s fine. It’s too late to get upset over now. This is my problem.”
“But…”
“Let’s give them some space,” Tyler says softly to his wife.
“But…”
“Now, H. Come on.”
Her lips thin to a white line as she waits for my nod of approval.
“I’ll be back soon,” she says, and gives Isaac a pointed look that he ignores. They leave, closing the door quietly behind them.
I stare into the eyes of the man I once loved so much I would have moved mountains for him. He stares back into mine. I know he knows; why else would he be here?
“Do you hate me that much?” He asks me after a beat and the sadness in his voice breaks my fragile heart. “Did I make you hate me this much?”
I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything.
He stands and cautiously makes his way to me.
I know he’d never hit me, I know he’d never hurt me like that, yet part of me expects him to slap me. To shake me. To do something other than what he’s doing.
His thumbs smooth away my waterfalls as his palms cup my cheeks almost lovingly. The last thing I expected was to be comforted by him. “Did I do this? Is this how you felt? Feel?” I open my mouth to speak but then his fingers are lightly touching my stomach and I lose the ability. “Does it hurt?”
My legs give way and he catches me easily and holds me tightly as I cry uncontrollably into his neck.
“Elle,” he croaks and kisses my temple. “You’re breaking my fucking heart. I can’t stand to see you like this.”
“I hate myself.” I admit and take a deep breath to stop my trembling. It doesn’t work.
“No.” His whispered words caress my ear. “God, no, don’t hate yourself.”
Why isn’t he yelling at me? Why isn’t he angry? Why can’t I just admit it to him? Am I waiting for him to hate me? Am I trying to prove to myself that he’ll never change?
“Can I get you anything? Are you in any pain?”
I shake my head and pull back, freeing myself from his tight, soothing grip. My legs wobble as I try to move away from him and my trembling arms cross over my front protectively. “I… I didn’t do it.”
Blue eyes snap to mine, full of hope, longing. “You’re going to have to clarify, Elle. I don’t want to misunderstand.”
“I couldn’t do it,” I say quietly, hating my decision and loving it all at once.
“You’re still…?”
Nod.
A choked noise leaves him and he brings his lips to mine. He kisses me desperately, hungrily, painfully, roughly.
“Are we going to have a baby?” He says with swollen lips, pulling back to look me in the eye for any lie there.
“I assume that’s what happens when one falls pregnant… even unwillingly.”
His smile is blinding but I don’t want to bask in his joy. “I’m going to be a dad.” I blink down at the top of his head when he drops to his knees and then watch as he pulls my vest over his head.
His lips tickle the space below my belly button for a long moment and then I feel his forehead against my skin. I let him have his private moment to collect himself, though the sweet actions of overwhelming joy make me want to cry even more. I wish I could feel the same way but I’m still getting used to it all. I never really wanted to be a mother. It never appealed to me. Am I awful for feeling this way?
“I don’t want to get back together just because you’re pregnant.” He flips my vest from over his head and rubs his eyes. “We have a lot of issues to work through. I’m not naive enough to think that a baby is going to fix that.”
“I can’t handle this kind of talk,” I tell him and allow him to guide me to the couch.
“Are you hungry? Thirsty?”
“No. Thanks, I’m okay.”
“I want the chance to win you back… properly. I want to date. I want to travel. I want to do everything with you that I didn’t five years ago.”
My stinging eyes just want to rest but I owe him this. I owe my attention to him. “Okay.”
He smiles and kisses me on the forehead. “I want one chance…
just one… to show you that I’ve changed. That’s all I need.”
“Okay.”
“But not because you’re pregnant, because you want it. Because you want me.”
I sniff and rest my head on his shoulder after he takes the seat beside me and stops pacing. “I do want you. I’ve always wanted you. I never wanted to leave you. I just… I don’t trust you.”
“I know. I want to fix that.”
I look at him and touch his cheek with my fingertips. “You really hurt me. Over and over again.”
“I know,” he breathes and we share another moment. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m tired.”
“Of course you are.” He takes my hand in his and brings it to his lips. “Is that your room?”
I nod and stare at the door to the left almost longingly. He helps me up as if I’m as fragile as a sheet of paper in a thunderstorm. He doesn’t even let me open the door but he does let me collapse on my double bed.
I’m emotionally spent.
“I don’t like it here. It’s cold and empty.” Isaac remarks, looking around the sparse room.
“Like my soul.”
He chuckles quietly and climbs onto the bed beside me. “I was wondering why it felt so familiar.”
My lips twitch so I bury my face into the pillow.
“Say you’ll be mine again, Elle, and I’ll never stop working for it.” He brings his arm around me and pulls my back against his front.
“Let’s talk in the morning.”
His response is to kiss the shell of my ear and nuzzle my neck with his forehead. He strokes my arm with his fingertips. It’s so relaxing that I find myself drifting to sleep.
Isaac
This flat is awful; it has damp in places and mould coming from tiny cracks in the walls. What is she doing here?
I’ve left her to sleep after carefully removing her shoes and socks. It’s only six in the morning. I’m used to being up early and, as much as I’d like to stay in bed all morning with her, I need to make her breakfast and clean this awful flat up a bit. Maybe I can convince her to move back to Boston with me, though I don’t think it’s likely. She’s worked so hard for this apprenticeship.
Distinction: The Distraction Trilogy #3 Page 27