#11 IT IS ALL COMING BACK TO ME
She can see it in the colour of the eyes in the moment when a person dies. Then every colour is changing into a shade, which is so hard to explain. It is the look of the eyes – in one moment you can still see a person present and then suddenly you know there is only a body left without a soul. She knew this kind of shade. She has seen it a few times before but she wasn't able to realize whether it had any connection to her life until this day or was is just a stupid coincidence. She was taking care of grandma Zofia. She was sitting with her as all the other afternoons and evenings, when she was reading some of her new books to her or made translations aloud and the old lady appreciated it very much. Sometimes she brought some music and played some tracks, which were not such energy shocks like the hard rock of Limp Bizkit or Metallica, but they had some speed, which stimulated your internal energy. The old lady liked these afternoons and evenings.
Today Grandma Zofia died and Mia had to look into the old lady’s eyes and saw this kind of shade she dreamt of in the most horrible dreams. Now, on one hand she was very sad because of the old lady's death and on the other hand there was a voice inside her, saying that the past was overtaking her. Moreover, Mia was scared. Everything she was running away from was laughing at her and the fears whispered some promises she didn't want to know. She was afraid of losing her life again. Nevertheless, she knew the day would come when she was going to be confronted with the past and she was hoping it wasn't so far.
The strangest thing for me was Grandma Zofia whispering something. I had to come closer to hear what she was saying. “You have to live, my dear. You are special. Timeless is our life. Don’t forget about it.” She looked at me and her eyes were not blue anymore. She was dying in front of me and in her eyes I saw all of my fears at once. Moreover, her hands were not warm anymore. They were not shaking. They were not delicate.
I felt cold and hot at the same moment, as I would get a heat attack during a North Pole tour. I thought I am trembling, the world started to rotate around me and I lost my sense of time. I even didn't know my name anymore. I just had this certain kind of shade in front of my eyes and I couldn't replace it with any other picture or feeling. As if I would be just one full thought. I had to go out, I rang for the nurses and the medical staff, and I don’t remember what I did next. Now I was sitting in front of Sebastian, he was talking to me, he was watching me very carefully and I tried to concentrate on what it was all about. I felt some fresh cold air, but it didn't help this time. I was a fool of fortune with my fears inside and outside of me. What have I done? What had been done to me? Why did she say it to me? She couldn't speak and I heard her whispering. Maybe it was just my imagination. And why should I be a special one? For what? For whom? And why timeless? Why? You can think you are right or wrong, but that's no reason to stop thinking. Mostly if you have too many doubts and no points on the coordinate system in your life.
Lovefool (Introduction) Page 12