#69 SUSPICIOUS MINDS
That evening Mia was already in bed when Julian came in. She had still wet hair because she took a shower after the dinner that she had to eat alone again. He wasn't even in the kitchen with her.
Because he wasn't there, she finished her meal quickly and took a shower. For the first time that day, she felt the pain of the wounds again. After a great afternoon in the woods, she was too happy to care about some wounds of her body. It didn't matter.
The healing power of warm water was exactly what she needed. In the shower, she let the waterfall directly onto her face and it was therapeutic. Her body needed it. She stood under a hot water jet for a while and let the seconds pass by. Her leg pulsated a little, but her shoulders and her back were pleased by this wet cure. She relaxed her muscles and enjoyed the water on her body. Then she slowly sat down in the shower cabin. In her head, everything rotated. She was still weak. It was humiliating. Now, when she wanted to show herself as pretty and independent as she could, it wasn't possible.
She saw that he had bought her some new stuff like shampoo and some clothes and wondered when he managed to do that. Her first thought was that he had these things here already (but what for?) and then she saw the price tags cut off from the clothes in the waste bin. These were some label things like pants and even underwear. So far, nobody had ever bought her underwear! The clothes were very nice and stylish, rather classic. She wouldn't make any better choice. Her own clothes were of the same style: sporty and elegant, without patterns. She didn't like patterns they were not useful. They were catching attention and this was reason enough to avoid them.
After the shower, she dressed in a nightshirt that he bought. It was one from the hello kitty collection. The only clothes with pattern, she would wear, would be underwear and nightshirts. How did he know it? He was in her apartment once, but he didn't see her in a nightshirt until now. Up to now, she has been wearing just shirts or sweaters and jeans, he saw her underwear as he was stitching her wound some days ago, but she felt somehow girly shy when she thought he would see her in the hello kitty shirt.
She hopped into the bed and covered herself with the red blanket.
Mia waited for him. When he was at her side, she felt better. Her pain and tiredness were gone or rather forgotten, as if they belonged to another person then. She felt so different at his side. She felt so well. He was the perfect guy for her, she could find on earth. He wouldn't hurt her, even if he had some supernatural skills. She was sure that he would never ever hurt her, unless he would leave her. If he would be gone, she would be all alone. Even more alone than she was before. If you have ever experienced the feeling of great joy and endless happiness, it is very hard to come back to the grey reality.
She knew these feelings. Today was a day of happiness. Today was a day of immense happiness. Today, a new chapter of hope had begun. It was almost like a dream and she was afraid that she would wake up any moment and be all alone in her apartment. This was a like a nightmare, that he would leave her without any reason. She was a human girl and he was something else. Julian could make a free choice and he could deal with the situation the way he liked.
Today they kissed. He kissed very well. His lips were soft, but he gave the impression of being strong and gentle as well. It was quite strange, because you can’t experience all these opposites at the same time. Maybe that’s why he was so awesome? Or was it rather the feeling of safety, she had by his side?
She wanted to dream this dream. She wanted to feel it. Up to now, all her life was like being on the run. She hardly ever felt love. She hardly ever felt good vibrations. She wanted to protect people she knew from being sad when she was leaving the city, because she knew right from the beginning that she wouldn't stay for long. She protected herself as well. She never had any deep relationship with anyone and she lived like a nun. The only joy in her life was reading books and running. She loved running. She loved to feel the wind on her face. She loved the feeling of being in motion. She loved to see everything from a quaking perspective when she was running. Now there was something else. Julian. He wasn't a person. He was something else than that. But it didn't matter. The only thing, which mattered, was that he existed. That she knew him. That he kissed her. That she loved him.
Julian. Julian. Julian. I love you, love you, love you.
She was once again drifting through the sky –when she thought about him, she was lifted up to the cloud number nine. She felt a butterfly flattering in her stomach and flying around like a crazy hummingbird, like a Green Violetear with its rapid wing beats and not like a graceful butterfly. Hummingbirds can fly at speeds exceeding 15 m/s and butterflies are much more lethargic compared to that.
Then Julian appeared. He looked gorgeous. She was stunned every time she saw him. He was perfect. He was perfectly perfect.
Julian smiled and she smiled back.
-Did you eat something?
Mia nodded.
-Are you tired? It was a long day for you.
He came closer to the bed, but he didn't sit down.
-You should sleep. A sleep would bring you rest. – He whispered and bowed down to kiss her forehead.
-Julian, stay here. Please. – Mia murmured politely.
She didn't have to convince him. He sat down with his back to the bed wall. She came closer to him and laid her head at his chest. He put his hand at her side and started to stroke her. Happiness was always so simple. They didn't talk. They were just absorbing their presence. Julian smelled like wild wind. It was a strange association, but it was perfectly suitable. He smelt like the wild wind. Was he running a couple of minutes ago? If Mia could run as fast as he could, she would be running almost the entire time of her life.
-Do you want to hear a good night story? - He asked quietly. She trembled because of the hummingbird inside her, but she didn't move much.
-So close your eyes and I will tell you one. You don’t know it, but I have already seen you before. I can’t remember when and how, but I have seen your face before.
She was listening carefully. However, she didn't close her eyes. Julian continued:
-I thought about it for a long time and I couldn't remember it clearly. Now I had a flash. I don’t know when it was, but you were sitting on some rocks. It was in the evening, because the sun was down near the horizon. Now, I even know where it was. It was on an island that is seven miles long and three miles wide, so it was rather small. I was running from one end of the island to the other, there and back. The landscape was beautiful all along the coast towards the north. It was the magnificent Bantry Bay. It is a delightful island, peaceful and quiet and I needed some tranquillity back then. It was the best place for me in this part of the world. I needed to find my internal peace again and I knew I had to be alone. I had been running for days. Then, suddenly I was stunned: When I came to the coast, I saw someone standing there from far away: near the coast, on the cliff. This person seemed to plan to jump into the doom of the sea at any moment.
Mia listened to the story and it was breathtaking. His voice was full of emotions; it shivered more with every word. She felt his trembling hand at her back.
-This person was standing straight, looked towards the horizon. It had to be a female. She wore a white dress, which flattered in the wind. It was a lady, but she didn't fit there. It was no time for such a dress – it was early spring, everything was turning green and it was quite cold, I suppose. It wasn't a place to wear such dresses – you don't dress like that in this region. Nevertheless, it was delightful to watch her standing on the cliff.
Mia heard and thought what a woman he had seen. Probably she was prettier than Mia was and a white, flattering dress looked gorgeous without any doubt.
-I came closer and closer and tried not to frighten her in any way. You never know how other beings react. I came closer and closer and I was fascinated by this lady. I was already so close that she could see me without turning, and when I stood right next to her, I
saw... you. You were there.
Mia moved a little, because he moved. However, she didn't sit up; her head rested on his chest. And Julian went on quietly.
-I saw you there. You turned your face towards me and you just looked at me. Your hair was flying in the wind. Your dress was flattering in the wind. It was awesome. The ribbon of your dress was like a white veil and it was very long. I never saw something like this before. You looked gorgeous.
His voice squealed admiration - and non-belief as if he wouldn't believe what he saw.
-You smiled at me shyly as you smiled at me in my car, the first time we met each other for real. I guess I smiled back. I was surprised to see you there and I wasn't able to speak. I was speechless and I was starring at you. Then you said...
Suddenly he went silent. He didn't move for a while. Even his hand, which had been stroking her so long, stopped moving.
Mia tried not to move either. She was curious to know what happened next, but she knew she couldn't ruin this moment. He needed time to pull himself together to tell his story to the end. Another minute went by and Julian still said nothing. Mia held her breath, but she couldn't hold it so long. She breathed out and got new air. Then he stood up and jumped away. He was standing at the door and was unsure whether he wanted to leave or stay. He made very quick moves here and there. He was so fast that Mia could hardly see where he was. From time to time he looked at her and when their eyes met he remained in one place for a short moment.
Mia sat down on bed and watched him carefully. She tried not to wonder about anything. She tried to relax and keep cold blood. Julian mumbled something that she didn't understand. He was too fast and she wasn't able to follow his moves. It was very hard for her to remain calm.
Then she said something, what he didn't expect:
-Trust me, Julian.
He stood like a rock, immovable, starring at her.
-What? What did you say? – He was like an innocent person who had just heard his own death sentence.
He jumped to her, took her into his arms and lifted her into the air. He repeated madly:
-What did you say?
-Julian, trust me. I won’t ask anything. I promise. – She was surprised by his reaction. She was scared a little bit, too.
-Mia... – Julian whispered submissive and put her back on the bad. He was trembling with all of his body and kept standing.
She stood up slowly and came towards him. He turned his back to her, but she didn't mind. She hugged him from behind and leaned her cheek on his back.
-Julian, I really won’t ask you anything. Please relax.
-Mia, you said that before. And I can’t do it to you. – He said with deep resignation.
-You can’t trust me? – She asked quietly.
-No, I can’t tell you everything, because I don’t want to pronounce a judgement about you. I can’t do it to you.
-Then don’t. Hush...
They were standing in the middle of the room and didn't move. Julian was almost a head taller than her. It didn't matter. She hugged him tighter and felt his tense body. Every muscle of him was contracted. He was like a rock. He wasn't gentle anymore. It was as if she would hold a stone right now.
Then, bit by bit, his tension eased away. After some moments, he turned to her. Mia loosened her hug. He took her cheeks into his hands and forced her to look him into the eyes. His gaze was very intense, but she could see that the storm was calming down.
-Mia, you said this to me on the cliff. You told me to trust you.
He was out of energy. He wasn't sure what to do. She understood it.
-I have never been in Ireland. I have never been abroad at all. You were dreaming. Anyway, I don’t force you. You can keep your secret for you, if it helps you sleeping.
Mia spoke quietly, but serene.
He shook his head.
-Mia, I never sleep. I wasn't dreaming. I can’t explain it to myself. It is all quite strange to me. Everything is out of control and I don’t know what to do. And you said to trust you, so I will. – His voice was calm. He got his self-control back.
-On this cliff, I met you and then you jumped into the magnificent Bantry Bay. Unfortunately, I couldn't catch you. I was too slow. This was strange. I have never been too slow. You didn't reappear. There was just a white stripe of clouds, coming from below, and it was scary. I can’t imagine losing you and it was so real. I was standing there, on the cliff, looking for you, and I couldn't find you. I jumped after you but you were not there. I was swimming here and there and I went crazy when I couldn't find you. I didn't know who you were or what your name was. I just saw a beautiful girl, who told me to trust her, and she was gone in the next moment. I wasn't able to see you anymore. The memory was gone for a while but today it came back. Since then it was strange to live without you. I wasn't able to fully understand myself, I couldn't help myself, I was going crazy and there was nothing, that could keep me away from you. I tried to forget you, but it didn't work. I tried to fill my mind with other things, but it didn't help. You were always on my mind.
He hugged her and then, some minutes later, he said with an icy voice:
-Mia, you have to decide whether you want to know the whole truth. I will take the entire responsibility for what I will tell you, but you have to think about it and say what you want. It is a very serious decision.
She looked into his deep blue eyes and smiled a little.
-So what are you? – She asked slowly.
-Are you sure? There will be no coming back.
-Julian – she started again slowly and concentrated - Trust me.
Lovefool (Introduction) Page 71