“Okay, good. Okay, dear can you tell me your name? Don't move, but can you speak?
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. Frustrated, I close my eyes and breathe. Then, I open them and try again.
“Chase… Chase Franklin.”
I somehow get the words out.
“Okay, Chase. The ambulance is on its way. So, you just hang in there, you will be okay.”
I look in her bright green eyes and try to stay awake. The only thing keeping me in the moment is the feeling of her soft hand in mine. The paramedics arrive and the woman moves out of the way letting them work.
“Careful! He looks to have severe head trauma, multiple lacerations to the body and could have broken bones. We don't know the extent of his injuries, especially to the spine or neck. Slow and steady everyone, let’s get him stabilized before we move.”
I feel them lift me onto the gurney and the pain is excruciating, I can’t take it. Without having the stranger's hand in mine to keep me anchored to reality, I slip into the darkness.
CHAPTER 1
Hope:
A year ago, I made a promise to myself. I promised that I would take chances, that I would focus on myself and put everything I had into making my life exactly what I want. I promised myself I’d make a change and tomorrow that is exactly what I am doing. It’s been a long year and although my heart still aches, I know this leap I’m about to take is exactly what I need. I’m sitting on the floor in my old room at my parents, packing up the last few boxes of my belongings, my head jerks as Key to My Heart by Jessica Jarrell comes through my Bluetooth speaker. My music from my phone is shuffling and until now, it has been a steady mix of upbeat rap and heavy metal. I was trying to stay distracted and busy, thinking of my new life and that music was helping. I forgot this song was downloaded. I stop for a second as thoughts of Josh start to fill my mind.
To this day, I remember when I first heard this song. My sister and I were leaving the beach. I was in the passenger seat of her car texting Josh, we hadn’t been talking long, but my heart was already his and she knew it. As I put my phone down this song started to play and Taylor turned it up.
She said, “Listen, this reminds me of you. Well it reminds me of how you feel about Josh.”
I was so happy and scared, because it was exactly right. The song is basically the girl saying this man has the key to her heart. That he makes her feel so many emotions and she wants to tell him but doesn’t want to look stupid. So, she just stays quiet and imagines that he knows and they are happily together. Josh and I did everything together, I met his whole family at a weekend getaway, we spent every weekend together and one or two nights a week. He met my parents and it was just perfect. Although we were just “dating” but not seeing other people, it was the best time in my life. According to him he really liked me, but wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, I wasn’t quite either, but I fell anyway. It seems falling in love isn’t a choice, it’s an involuntary response…like breathing.
I loved him, love I should say, because those feelings haven’t faded in the slightest. My heart physically aches as I am reminded of the man I love, who also is the man who broke it into a million little pieces only a few short months after I handed it to him. Tears start to swell in my eyes; I close them and hold my breath, desperately trying to hold myself together. I have cried enough over this man and I told myself that the last time was the LAST time. I’m on to bigger and better things. I slowly start to control my breathing just as the chorus starts to play. The lyrics bring back every fucking memory and a cruel reminder of how happy I once was. I glance at the picture on my laptop screen, which is propped up on my bed. I’ve worked really hard to move past this, but I haven't had the strength to change the picture yet. It’s of Josh and I sitting under the table umbrella, outside at the winery, the bright blue sky fading into a lining of trees behind us. It was the most beautiful place I have ever been. We are both smiling so big. That weekend was amazing, I had never been so happy in my life.
Then, unexpectedly my world crashed. Everything he ever said was a lie. Turns out my ‘prince charming’ was just a player, playing a game of cat and mouse. He lured me in like he was dangling a piece of cheese over a starving rodent. Man did he do it so well, he told me everything I needed to hear for me to let my guard down; not only that, he followed through with all the actions. Him ending things took me by total shock and left a gaping hole in my heart. When I can’t keep myself in check any longer, instead of crying I grab the closest thing to me and chuck it as hard as I can towards my speaker. Luckily, I happened to grab a stuffed animal and the speaker merely hit the floor with nothing but a soft thud, knocking a few pictures off of my desk in the process. That didn't give me as much relief as I thought it would, but I get up and focus on packing. I shut my laptop, wipe my tears and crank some heavy metal music. Thank God I was offered my dream job a few months ago, working on The Metal Madness Tour this summer. I am so happy to be moving, traveling and doing everything I’ve ever wanted. Maybe, just maybe, the shattered remains of my heart will find a way back together.
***
I have almost everything packed up, when my mom calls from upstairs.
“Honey! Dinner is ready! Come on up and eat!” I finish taping the box as I shout back.
“Okay Mom! I’ll be up in a sec!”
I get up and take another look around my bedroom. My childhood and most of my adult life is in this room. It’s so crazy to see it bare for the most part. When I moved out a few years ago, I left most of my things making it look more like a guest room. Now, it’s nearly empty, only my bed, boxes piled up against the walls, and a few possessions remain scattered throughout my room. I will be leaving stuff here; I won’t have room for everything as I will be traveling for the next few months, so I am only taking the essentials right now. It is still crazy; I am sad, happy and nervous all at once. I have so many memories from the last twenty - four years, here in this little town. I am glad to be able to have a chance at making my dreams come true and move on, but it is bittersweet.
As I walk out of the room, my hand rubs the purple wall that has white drywall mud splatters on it, so the texture is rigid. I remember when I was thirteen and my birthday present was to have my room redecorated however I wanted. My dad, being a drywaller and painter, redid the whole thing. My room was painted purple, with the splatter on top. I was so happy it was crazy. I smile at the memory, but part of me feels sad that my life has gone so quickly. That is why I’m grateful to have this opportunity to jump.
I make sure my expression is light and happy so that my mother doesn’t see anything but happiness on my face and head upstairs. She has questioned me doing this from the start. I know she means well, but who gets this chance? I never thought I would, so I am definitely not passing it up. As I get closer to the kitchen I can smell the aroma from dinner. It smells like garlic, basil and onion. Mmm, I am hoping it’s something Italian. That’s my favorite. Sure enough I get to the kitchen and my mom is smiling at me. I see homemade meatballs, spaghetti and garlic bread.
“I made one of your favorites!” She says happily as she’s slicing the garlic bread. I maneuver around the granite topped, island in the middle of the kitchen. My mom cooks so much; she needs a bigger place to do so. The little kitchen has a stove and refrigerator on one side and an island in the middle of the room with cabinets lining the wall opposite the stove. She definitely needs more cabinet space. If I ever somehow make enough money, I want to get my mom a nice place to live, something big enough for all the family gatherings she has.
I sneak a bite of sauce and reply, “Thank you mom, it’s so good!” She seems happy to have made me happy.
I know she is sad that I am moving so far away, but she is happy I am trying to make my dreams come true.
“So, honey,” she pauses with a curious look on her face, “what was the crash sound I heard a little bit ago?”
Ugh, I was hoping she didn’t hear it. I just shrug my
shoulders and say, “Nothing mom I accidentally knocked my Bluetooth speaker over, no big deal.”
I hope she takes that for an answer, but she just gives me the “as if” look. I’ve been a bit emotional the last few days. I guess that’s to be expected with this type of thing. I just have a feeling everything my life has been is about to change completely.
“Mhm, okay, I was just making sure everything's okay.” My mother replies as she makes a bowl of sauce and fills a serving dish full of noodles to place on the table. I grab the plate of bread and we head to the dining room when I almost slip on the hardwood floor, damn fuzzy socks.
“Hope! Geez, be careful you klutz. You just about dropped the bread. Go grab the stuff for salads.” She laughs as I place the bread on the dining room table and then she calls for my sister and dad.
“Oh, thanks Mom, so glad you care if I’m okay.” I laugh, just giving her a hard time and get the lettuce, shredded cheese, bacon bits and assortment of dressings out of the fridge.
“You’re not bleeding or broken, you’re fine,” she jokes. We all sit at the square, cherry oak table and I look around at my family, trying to memorize their faces because after tomorrow, I will no longer see them every day. My mother with her shoulder length blonde hair, and greenish eyes, my sister almost her identical twin, pale skin, blonde hair and blue-green eyes. My dad, whom I resemble, with his dark brown hair and soft, blue-grey eyes.
“I can’t believe you’re leaving in two days.” Taylor, my sister, says bringing me out of my thoughts. She digs into the spaghetti, but looks at me with sadness in her eyes.
My sister and I had our differences growing up, but ever since I said I was doing this and moving we have been closer than ever. Now I am sad, although I know this is what I need and want.
“Ugh, I know Tay, I know. I am so happy to be going, but I am going to miss you all so much. I’m only a phone call away though.” I say with tears slowly pooling in my eyes. I look at my plate and blink rapidly to control them. The thought of leaving my family is painful and scary all at once, but I have to do this. Your passions can’t just hang in the background, they are in your soul for a reason, they have to be your footsteps in life.
She smiles at me and replies, “I know Hope, it’s just going to be so weird without you being here. You best believe I will be visiting you all the time!”
I smile and nod, “I know, you all better.”
“You just don’t be getting any ideas Taylor Michelle,” my mom says, “You have some things to finish before you up and move. School just started.”
I laugh, my sister just enrolled in cosmetology school, and she wants to come on the road with me someday and do the hair and makeup. I told her it was a big possibility. I wink at her, we have discussed this already.
“She knows mom,” I interject, “She will do what is best for her.”
Tay looks at me and smiles. After dinner, we all clean off the table and Taylor washes the dishes, I dry.
“You know you can seriously visit as often as you want, if I’m on tour and we're close you can just meet up. Maybe I can get you backstage to meet Fading to Light!? I know how hot you think Jay is. Just think of seeing them up close and personal.” I say, trying to make her feel better.
“I know. I can’t freaking wait. I know I don’t really listen to that music, but those guys are sexy, let me tell ya.” She says handing me clean dishes to dry. “I just don’t know what I will do without you here all the time. We’ve only been no more than an hour apart our whole lives, it's crazy.” She says shaking her head.
“It is, it will be strange for sure. I am sad, but I just have to take this chance Tay. I will regret it if I don't.”
She nods. I know Taylor understands how badly I need this change. She was there when I drove home that night after Josh broke up with me. She was there when I shattered and broke into a million pieces. I cried for hours and when I couldn’t cry anymore I laid there staring into space, questioning myself how I got in this position. Why did I let my guard down? Why did I let myself fall? Unrequited love is one of the most painful experiences I have ever been through. There were days that I only held it together long enough to get through the work day, but just barely. Some days I’d sit at my desk and if I let my mind wander for even a second the aching would overwhelm me and the tears would start to flow. Causing me to hurriedly wipe my eyes and pull myself together until five o'clock, then as soon as I reached my car I’d let them free. We finish the dishes, making small talk about her finishing school, and then get our pjs on. Everyone curls up in the living room, my sister and I on the black, leather sectional, my dad in his gray recliner and my mom in hers. We watch a couple of movies and just relax. If I didn’t know I was leaving tomorrow, this would feel like a normal night. I look around to my family, cherishing the last few moments we are having, as it will be the last I have for a while.
Chase:
I feel the cool air hit my face as I take off on my bike, heading home. I hear the tires squeal and then everything goes blurry as I hit the ground. Every sound is drowned out by the screaming voices surrounding me. “Someone call nine-one-one!”
I rub my eyes to clear my thoughts. Memories from last year have been running through my mind all week. I don’t know if it’s because I’m stressing about starting my music career back up or just because it’s been almost a year since it happened, but I just can’t stop replaying that night over in my head. I’m hanging out at home, just spending these last few days relaxing before tour starts and I am trying to ignore my phone going off five million times a minute. Ever since it was announced I was coming back things have been crazy. I would just shut it off, but as there are people who actually need to get ahold of me - that’s not really an option.
I always wanted this attention; not for the girls, I mean that is a plus, but because someone recognizes talent and appreciates mine. I’m young, but this is something I’ve known I would always do. I’ve never focused on anything else. I was given these talents for a reason and survived the challenges I did for a reason. It was to make this a reality. I’m not wasting my life doing something else.
I sit back and grab my phone, scrolling past the collection of messages and comments to check my page. About twenty-five more followers today, that's good, but I want that number to grow twenty times more than that. As I exit out another message pops up, some girl, yeah she’s hot, but the message is the same as the other hundred I have. “Thanks for accepting my request! How are you, sexy?”
I am tempted to reply - I mean, I am single, and she is hot as hell – but no. I don’t want a girlfriend. They don't even really know me, they just know what they see on social media. All they want me for is the fame and status, I am not even there yet myself and if I let myself get distracted by them I will lose this before it's even started. Plus they get pissed when I stop replying. They’re all the same and I get bored. Tossing my phone on the end of the couch, I close my eyes and think about where my life was only a few short years ago.
I was on the way to making it pretty big in the music industry, but I let my partying get the best of me. I shudder a bit as I recall the damage to my body. The countless days in the hospital, being told I may never walk again… my life almost ended in more ways than one.
I am lucky to be alive, well and have the second chance at my career, so I am not letting anything get in the way this time. Tomorrow we have our first show in Toronto and I need to get my head right. We have a new assistant starting, so there will be a little less organization at first, meaning the band has to be on top of its game. I text my manager and the guys, making sure we are all meeting at the same spot, then head to my room to pack.
***
I have everything packed and ready to go for tomorrow. I have to be up at two a.m. to catch the flight to Toronto, in order to get things all set up. The first show is always the rockiest. Also, this is my first show in a year and I’ll be touring with some of the biggest names in the alternative rock g
enre. I’m fucking lucky, that’s for sure. I can’t believe my life is here after everything that happened last year. I have to focus on using this tour as the footstool it is. This could launch me even farther than I was before the wreck.
I grab my phone off the nightstand and type my name into the internet search bar, something I haven’t done in months. A ton of links pop up and memories flash in my mind as I read through the articles. The wet roads, cool air and the moment everything changed.
A chill runs down my spine and I raise a hand to feel the scars on my chest. For the rest of my life I have a constant reminder of what I have gone through, there’s no forgetting it.
I sigh, plug my phone into the charger and try to sleep. I only have a few hours until I have to leave.
CHAPTER 2
Hope:
Yesterday flew by, I spent most of it packing and just hanging out with my family. Before I knew it, it was midnight and I needed to sleep. Today is the day, the day I have been so excited for. I have been talking about it for months, waiting for it and now that it’s here I am overwhelmed. I am lying in bed staring at the ceiling, trying to collect my thoughts before I get up. Everyone is going to be emotional today and I have to stay strong. Once I grab all of my bags and look around my bedroom, making sure I’m not forgetting anything. I know I am not fully moving yet, but this is the last time I will be here for three months and when I come back it will only be for a very short time. I am hoping this job becomes permanent or that it opens up another opportunity for me after this summer. I don’t plan on living here any longer. I grab my clothes and shower stuff, throw my bag over my shoulder and grab my roll along. I glance back, taking one last look at my room. Starting today this Hope is gone, although she will always be a part of me; she will no longer be the same scared, shy, naive girl she was. In her place will be a brave, strong and independent woman. She will put herself first and no longer settle for anything less than extraordinary in life.
Holding On To Hope Page 2