Holding On To Hope

by Mystique Roberts

  I make quick work of my shower and as I am brushing my teeth Cole walks in with a questionable look on his face.

  “Whoa, where’s the fire?”

  I spit, rinse my mouth and shrug when answering him.

  “What do you mean?”

  Walking to an empty shower stall he replies,

  “I mean that it’s barely been fifteen minutes since the meet and greet ended, and you are already showered and dressed. That's a fucking record.”

  I laugh, “I’m just hungry. Between the heat and not eating much today, I needed to cool off. Plus we still have this meeting with Ariel and the new girl. So, I’m just trying to get it over with.”

  “Shit, you’re right. Hopefully this doesn’t take too long. I need food and a beer. That greet was something. I forgot what that felt like. It’s insane the way some fans respond to us. I’m just a guy playing music, not a God. It’s a rush meeting people, it’ll take some time to get used to that again.”

  “Yeah, you’re telling me.” I nod in agreement. That is one of the best parts of this career, the feeling you get when people react that way towards you. I let that shit get to my head last time, I’m not doing that again. Things are different now. I rub my eyes, trying to wipe away the memories from a year ago, when Cole’s voice brings me back to the present.

  “You okay Chase?”

  I open my eyes and see Cole standing next to Ryker and Aiden, who must’ve just walked in.

  I smirk, “Yeah dude, I told you I’m just fucking hungry and worn out from the heat. So hurry the fuck up so we can eat.”

  I put Ryker in a headlock and he elbows me in the gut.

  “I’m fucking hurrying, hold on. Damn. You’re getting hangry.”

  I smirk, the hunger can wait, but my need to be in the same room as Hope, cannot. Getting to know this woman has consumed my every thought since this morning. I feel crazy, she’s just a girl, my assistant tour manager at that… I don’t know what is going on in my head, but right now I don’t care. A few minutes later we’re all headed to the bus and my heart is racing at the thought of seeing Hope again.

  I can’t lie I’m a bit nervous as we reach our bus and head inside. I let the guys go ahead of me and they sit around the table in the living area. Ariel is on the other side sitting alone. I briefly wonder where Hope is, but my question is answered almost immediately as I see her emerge from the back of the bus.

  She looks nervous, tapping her fingers on the outside of her thighs as she walks to the front of the bus. She blushes as she reaches us. Her voice is quiet when she speaks.

  “Hey guys.” She says, and we all respond in unison. Ariel stands and introduces Hope, explaining that she is our new assistant manager. She introduces us one by one and when she reaches my name instead of shaking her hand or giving her a high five like the others, I for some reason go in for a hug without thinking.

  “Sorry, I’m a hugger.” I say, then immediately kick myself in the ass. Why the fuck did I say that? I’m a hugger. Now I just sound like an idiot and I really don’t hug anyone. I look at the guys who are giving me questioning looks. Aiden is stifling a laugh, but Cole has no filter apparently because he calls me out, saying it’s because she’s hot. That fucker. I glare at him but when he agrees part of me feels angry that he thought of her like that. I remind myself she’s not mine and look at Hope.

  When she blushes and says it’s okay I smile, running my fingers through my hair for something to do with my hands. The next twenty minutes go by dreadfully slow. Not even an hour ago I couldn’t wait to be near Hope, and now I’m so fucking embarrassed the room feels tiny and like everyone can read my thoughts. Finally, Ariel says the girls need to shower and get ready. Then for us to meet them for dinner in a bit and I feel some relief.

  We use the time to talk about the tour. We have stops in New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio of course, Illinois, Missouri, Kentucky and so many more places. Getting the chance to come on the Metal Madness tour after so long off, was a shock to me, but I jumped on it even though I wasn’t sure I was ready.

  “Man it feels good to be touring again.” Ryker says after we finish prepping the set list for the next show.

  “Yeah, although I enjoyed some time off, after a month or two I was ready to be back on the road.” Cole agrees.

  “We’re just glad you're alive and back to doing this.” Aiden says, punching me in the arm.

  I nod in agreement. I know exactly what they mean. Those first few months of recovery after my accident and the year that followed was nothing but questions. Will I fully heal? Will I be able to rebuild my career if I do? Will they guys be with other bands or want to work with me again? I kicked myself in the ass over and over, swearing I would never let the partying get that bad ever again. I focused on healing and learning as much as I could about the music and the industry.

  I stayed quiet on social media, I tried to stay out of the spotlight. It worked for the most part and it was the best thing I could’ve done. Had I continued with my past lifestyle, I’d probably be dead. The only people I really kept in contact with was these guys, or they kept in contact with me rather. If it weren’t for that we probably wouldn’t be here. After a few months of recovery, we started practicing again and told the label we were ready to tour. I’m lucky the label kept us, hell I’m lucky in so many ways.

  “Yeah, me too.” I say, then hop up and check my phone, it’s been about forty five minutes. “Shit, we’ve got to go in a sec. The girls will be here any minute.”

  I put my laptop away and we head outside where I can see Ariel and Hope walking toward us in a distance. Hope is wearing a red halter and white shorts that show off her long, toned legs. I have to force myself to look at her face when I greet her.

  “You ladies ready?” I say questioning both of them.

  Ariel nods and Hope replies with excitement, “Yes, I’m starving. Where are we going?”

  I smile, “We are going to hit a local bar and grill downtown.. We figured it would be nice to actually get to know you a bit.” I give her a wink.

  We head to a local pub we only have about two hours until we leave so we can’t really waste time at a sit down restaurant. We order drinks, well I stick to water and finger foods.

  “Dinner’s on me, so don’t even try to pay Ariel.” I say glaring at her, she’s amazing and always does so much for us, but I want to pay. This whole team is here for me and they don’t even know how much I appreciate it.

  “Fine, fine...I won’t argue.” She says, holding her hands up in a surrender.

  After we order everyone starts grilling Hope about her life before this job. Her face turns a shade of red that is quickly becoming my favorite color, but she obliges.

  “I’m from just outside of St. Louis, but haven’t really been far from home. So, this is a huge change for me. I never really have traveled much, just a few states and that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. I have a business degree, but my passion is writing and music, although not writing music. I have no talent whatsoever in the musical department. Which is why I took this job, it’s the next best thing. Um, I don’t know what else to say, I haven’t really experienced much in life, so here I am. I also hate talking about myself sooo, can we change the subject?”

  She laughs when she finishes and although I can tell she’s nervous, I also see the joy in her face when she talks about her passions. We all eat, talk about the summer and about Hope moving after tour, where she is still unsure. Briefly I wonder if she will move to Cincinnati, but I dismiss the thought. It’s too soon to think about that. We hurry back to the busses so we can leave to New York, but when it’s time to leave Hope, even if only for a few hours, something inside me aches.

  Ariel tells us goodnight, that she will see us when we wake up tomorrow and heads to her bus. Hope starts to leave and I can’t help it, I call her name.

  “Hope, wait up.” I say, jogging to catch up to her.

  She turns and raises an eyebrow, “Yeah?”.

&
nbsp; “I just wanted to say welcome to the team so to speak. I have a feeling you will fit in well here, from your taste in music and what you’ve said about how you want to live life. It can be a bit much at times, but I think you’re made for this life. I just have a feeling, so don’t be nervous. You’re doing great.”

  She smiles and covers her face to hide her embarrassment. When she looks up the light of the moon shows her face making her blue eyes shine .

  “Thanks, really. That means a lot, you’re right. This is literally my dream job. You know, you’re not what I expected.”

  I tilt my head in confusion, “What do you mean?”

  She laughs, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I guess I expected a cocky, ‘I’m better than you’, rock star vibe. That could just be because most men I’ve encountered are cocky.” She covers her mouth quickly and looks at me wide eyed.

  “I’m sorry. I- I didn’t mean to say that out loud. Like you care about my personal business. I just mean I haven’t had the greatest experience with men. But please…disregard that.”

  I smile and the inside of my stomach does a flip, so she’s single. The thought makes me happy.

  “It’s okay, a lot of people probably think that. To be honest I used to be a bit of a dick when I first started getting a following, I guess that changed last year. I had my eyes opened so to speak. But don’t worry, not all men are assholes.”

  I wink at her and she smiles. I don’t want to go into detail although she probably knows about the wreck. Instead I just tell her goodnight.

  “Goodnight.” She replies, and wraps her arms around my neck.

  I’m taken aback, but I welcome the hug happily. I use the moment to breathe in the smell of her coconut shampoo and feel the warmth of her body next to mine. Briefly wondering what it would feel like to have her in my arms in another way.

  “Sweet dreams.” I say, smiling as she steps back, breaking our embrace, then turns to walk away.

  I watch as she reaches her bus, thinking the whole time how this woman has just become a part of me, even though she may not know it yet.

  chapter 4

  Hope:

  I have been working for Ignite Records for about two weeks now. It has been amazing. I am surrounded by music I love, music that I relate to and amazing freaking people. Ariel is becoming a very close friend and I met Charlie from the FTL tour group. She is the sweetest. Getting to live through all the behind the scenes work that goes into putting together this tour, is a dream come true. It’s hard work, but I love it so much that I don’t feel like I’m working until it’s the end of the day and I’m exhausted.

  My family has called or texted me every day I’ve been here. My sister and mother probably two to three times a day. I haven’t always been able to answer right away though, I have mainly been coming back to my bus to crash every night. Between learning all of the equipment, the schedules, knowing when we go on, what stage and when and where the meet and greets are, plus trying to get to know people...let’s just say I’ve not had much energy.

  It’s about eleven at night, I’m lying in my little bed on my bus. We have a show tomorrow, but today we have just been hanging out, enjoying the day off. I’ve used it to explore the grounds a bit, to see if I could bump into others, as I barely know anyone. We’ve been so busy the past couple of weeks, I really haven’t said more than a few words to anyone but Ariel after that night at dinner. Well I’ve been busy at least, trying to learn everything. I have gotten to spend a little bit of time with Chase, but just for a little while after shows and before. I will say that he is different from what I expected. He seems very laid back and caring. Partially because he’s a rock star, but also because that is just what I have come to expect from most men in my life. If you don’t count my family, I guess I mean...most men my age.

  I still can’t get over his looks, which is ridiculous. One he is completely different than anyone I’ve ever dated, well maybe is a good thing given my track record, but two I work with him. There is no way that would work out, plus he could have a girlfriend and even if he doesn’t...he definitely has his choice of them.

  Just then I hear a knock on my door. I jump up wondering who it could be at this hour, surely it’s not for work. Checking my reflection quickly in the mirror I fix my frizzy hair and adjust my spaghetti strap top. I walk the few steps to the front of the bus and open it to see the blue eyed, tattooed man who was just invading my thoughts.

  “Chase!” I say with a little too much excitement.

  “Um, hey. Did I wake you?” He gestures to my clothes and I almost die of embarrassment as I look down to see my favorite, holey yoga pants.

  I feel the heat in my face, surely it is turning red. I shake my head and fake laugh.

  Crossing my arms to cover my lack of bra, I respond.

  “N-no. I was just…” I gesture inside. “Just relaxing. Is something wrong?”

  He smiles, and takes a step closer to the door.

  “No. I was just going to ask if you wanted to come outside. There is a bunch of us out here, just sitting around talking and playing some music. Figured you might want to come.”

  “Oh sounds great! Thank you, let me just change.”

  He steps forward again, closing the tiny bit of space there was between us.

  “Cool. I’ll wait for you then. Do you mind if I come in?”

  Butterflies flood my stomach and I am starting to sweat as I feel every nerve in my body spark. Him, in here? Keep it together, Hope. He’s just being nice.

  “Sure! Come on in. It’ll only take a second for me to ch-change.” I stutter over my words and shake my head. I am acting like a fifteen year old girl. What can I say? I knew I’d be working with some good looking, well known musicians, but I never expected to actually hang out with them I guess.

  I step back and he comes in, shutting the door behind him. I watch him as he takes in my semi messy bus. I’m still getting used to living on the road, so I have clothes kind of thrown about a bit and my laptop sitting out playing music.

  “Beartooth?” He points to the laptop.

  I turn to face him as I am grabbing some jean shorts and a teal top.

  “Um… yes. I really enjoy their music. Do you like them?” I smile.

  He nods, “Hell yeah. You have good taste.”

  I head to the sleeping area to grab some clothes as I respond.

  “Thanks. I love all this type of music. That’s a big reason I applied for this job. I was so excited to be around it all day. Just give me a minute.” I smile at him, turning to my bed area.

  He smiles. I shut the makeshift blanket, curtain I hung up and quickly undress, then run a brush through my hair. I am just putting on my shirt when I hear his voice again.

  “I was going to ask how you came about this. I know you said traveling and music were some of your passions, but no offense, by just looking at you, you wouldn’t think you listened to heavy metal.”

  I laugh, because this is the response I get from most people. Just because I am not covered in piercings or tattoos… people are surprised by my music taste. I have tattoos, they’re just covered by my clothing for the most part. I open the curtain and step down to the kitchen area, where I find Chase looking through my music playlist.

  “Well...make yourself at home.” I say sarcastically, and he jumps.

  “I was just curious, sorry.” He replies, smirking as he rubs his fingers through his slick backed brunette hair.

  I laugh, “It’s okay. I was kidding, but you sound like most people who don’t really know me. I guess my appearance screams ‘girl next door’, and although I love all music, alternative rock is my favorite. The meaning behind a lot of the songs just resonate in me. I connect with it more than any other music genre.”

  He smiles when he replies, “I understand, trust me. I guess that’s why I play it. I didn’t mean to judge by your appearance, just not what I’m used to seeing in this industry. Ready?”

  He extends his ha
nd out to me and I hesitate but put mine in his. The butterflies in my stomach go absolutely insane when I feel the warmth of his touch, but I try to act natural.

  “It’s perfectly fine. Yes, I’m ready. Let me grab my camera. It will be nice to actually speak to other people besides just the stage crew.”

  He smiles and nods, “Great. I know a lot of the guys have been asking about you. As far as how old you are, where you’re from, just normal shit.” He shrugs, “Let’s go.”

  As we walk to meet everyone I notice he doesn’t let go of my hand. I’m growing increasingly nervous and my palms start to sweat, so I pull my hand from his. He gives me a questioning look when I do.

  “Oh? Well, I'm twenty four. Other than that, I’m not sure what there is to know. I told you guys the gist at dinner a couple weeks ago. I needed a change and I saw the opportunity on a Facebook page. So, I took a chance and applied. I didn’t think I’d get it. I have a degree in business management and accounting, but not much experience, other than my love for music.” I snap a couple pictures of people walking around, other musicians, and some of the tour busses.