“What happened to your glasses?” Cole blurted.
Levi flushed harder, looking away. “I, um. I put an order in. For some contact lenses. Last week.”
“You didn’t have to.”
And now Cole’s attention had locked entirely on Levi. Without his glasses, Levi looked... a little less bookish, but just as beautiful. His eyes were hazel-er. Not hidden away by those thick glasses.
“I mean, I know you’re the same person,” Cole said.
A long time ago, Levi had admitted that he’d put on contact lenses because he’d heard that alphas would like him better that way. Maybe it was true. Or maybe it was some schoolyard bull.
But by switching back to contacts... “This means you’re more confident in yourself, right?” Cole asked hopefully. “Your feelings before everyone else’s.”
Levi clambered off the bed, avoiding Cole’s eyes. “I just wanted to look pretty.”
Cole fought off a sigh. That meant Levi would continue to let himself get hurt, to spare others their feelings. But that wasn’t an argument he wanted to begin today.
“You’re pretty regardless.” Cole dragged the sheets off his legs, crossing the bedroom to envelop Levi in a tight hug. “But more than that, though. You’re amazing.”
Levi laughed. “I’m just me.”
And Cole let his hand wander down Levi’s chest, to the expanse of his belly. “I haven’t said hi yet.”
Levi sagged, pulling up his shirt. “Go ahead.”
Six weeks into his pregnancy, and Levi was still avoiding the baby. Cole didn’t blame him, even now. He knelt by Levi’s feet, kissing the dark line on Levi’s belly. Nuzzled him there. Then he murmured, “Morning. Your dad’s beautiful today. I think you’ll look just as good. But you’ll probably have my looks, too, so you’ll look doubly good.”
Levi laughed, smacking Cole on the shoulder. “You’re so full of yourself.”
Cole wriggled his eyebrows. “You like to be full of me, too.”
They hadn’t had time to do much, but Cole had slipped in a bit of fingering here and there, enough to get Levi off a couple times since the department party.
Levi turned beet-red. “Pervert.”
“Only yours.” To the baby, Cole whispered, “Your dad secretly likes me a lot. He’s really cute. But I guess you don’t think of your dad as cute. Probably really strong. Right? That’s how he is, though. He’s doing tremendously well with this pregnancy, carrying you around and everything.
“And once your cousins go home with your uncles, I’m gonna have a lot more time to say hi. Probably even before your dad wakes up. You’re gonna wake up every morning to me talking in your ear, and I think your dad might even get tired of me.”
“I can’t imagine how you think up something different to say every day,” Levi said with a wry smile.
Cole shrugged. “I want to say everything. I feel everything about you and the baby, you know. I want to give the baby a name, I want to get clothes for it, I want to start on a nursery and—and everything.”
Levi’s smile turned wistful. “Maybe when we get to five months. Although if you really wanted, you could give it a name now.”
Cole thought about it. Too many names came to mind, but none of them fit right. “I’ll get back to you on that.”
He stood, scooping Levi close. Just savored having his omega in his arms. Holding Levi... it helped with the ache of the dream. The guilt and the horror. With Levi against him, Cole felt a little stronger, his worries fading away.
Taylor wailed on the baby monitor; Levi panicked. “Crap. I left him and Jenn alone.”
Cole followed Levi to the makeshift nursery, where Taylor was crying on his back, kicking his legs. Jenn peered at him through the playpen netting, shoving a teddy bear toward her brother. Levi blew out a relieved sigh.
“I’d be such a bad parent,” Levi mumbled, scooping Taylor out of the playpen. “I almost forgot about these guys.”
Cole rubbed his back, knowing exactly how Levi felt. “You know them well enough to leave them alone for a bit. At least, that’s how I see it.”
“I guess.” Levi didn’t look convinced, hurrying away to change Taylor’s diapers.
It wasn’t like Levi to leave Jenn and Taylor alone for any extended period of time. For that to happen... he had to be really worried about Cole.
Cole scooped Jenn into his arms, following him. “Was I screaming in my dream?”
“You were yelling pretty loud. Louder than usual, I guess.” Levi grimaced. “Was it... Never mind.”
“Was my dream what?”
Levi gulped. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Cole had described the regular dream sequence to Levi a couple times. It was nothing they didn’t know—they both shared the memory. The fireworks, the fire, Micah’s burns.
“I try to get out of that dream every time,” Cole muttered. “And every single time, I’m stuck in there, watching it play out. It’s like a horror movie, but it actually happened.”
And Spike had called him Dad.
Cole sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I wanted to light the fireworks in this dream,” he muttered, guilt coiling through his chest. “Felt like I was playing with my own son.”
Levi glanced up, meeting Cole’s gaze for a split-second. Then he looked away, touching his belly. From his expression... Levi was convinced that he would disappoint Cole with the pregnancy.
When Taylor was in fresh diapers, Cole scooped the boy into his arms, pressing a kiss to Levi’s temple.
“It’s not your fault, you know,” Levi said quietly. “Accidents happen. You didn’t have a choice on that.”
Cole smiled crookedly. “You keep saying that, but you think it’s your fault.”
Levi sighed. “I guess I do.”
But the fact remained that Cole should have checked the fireworks. He should’ve made sure they were somewhere safe before lighting those wicks.
What if Cole had children, and he made the same mistake? What if it happened, and Levi was the victim this time?
His stomach twisted. Cole shoved the past out of his mind.
They looked up when the doorbell rang.
“I guess they’re here,” Levi said, relief flashing through his eyes. Cole felt the same.
As much as he’d enjoyed playing Pretend with these children... Cole badly wanted a nap. He wanted to just lie in bed with Levi, close his eyes, and not have to worry about Jenn pulling open the fridge door for the twentieth time. Especially with this big a mansion, and the infinite possibilities of what Jenn could do if they left her unattended for long.
Maybe one child would be more than enough, with Cole’s job as demanding as it was.
At the front door, Ollie and Eric looked refreshed from their vacation. They smelled like sunblock lotion and the sea. Exhaustion in his bones, Cole envied them.
“You owe us many things,” he said dryly, handing Jenn back to Eric. “When we have children, it’s gonna be your turn to babysit.”
Olivier laughed, glancing at Levi’s belly. “We’d be happy to.”
“So another baby’s on the way, right?” Levi asked.
Ollie blushed; Eric stood a little straighter. Figures. Cole punched Eric’s arm, happy for his brothers. But Levi’s eyes held a hint of wistfulness, some envy, and Cole couldn’t help wrapping his arm around Levi to lend him support.
If there were something he could do so Levi felt better about his body...
“We’ll get them out of your hair,” Eric said, grinning. “Rest up. Thanks for all the help.”
They carted the bags of things into Eric’s car, waving off Eric and his family from the front steps. Then, as the gate swung shut, Levi slumped against Cole’s chest.
“I envy them,” Levi said.
“You envy how many children they have, you mean,” Cole said dryly. Eric and Olivier hadn’t had things easy, getting to where they were now.
Levi cracked a smile. “You’d be right.”
They trudged up the stairs to the mansion, Cole wincing when they stepped through the front door. The entire house was silent now, the floors empty of toys, Levi’s footfalls the only thing he heard.
Cole almost expected Jenn to totter around the corner, flying her cardboard airplanes. Or Taylor to giggle, grabbing at Levi’s hair. He almost regretted returning the children so he could get some sleep. Having Jenn and Taylor around... they made him happy, too.
“We could adopt, you know,” Cole finally said.
Levi glanced at his belly. “That’s only if I’m capable of being a good dad.”
“You will be. I know it.”
But Levi made a face. “I’ve already failed so many times, Cole. And today... I left Jenn and Taylor in the playroom. What if I do it again? What if someone got hurt?”
He bit his lip hard, his skin turning white from how hard he was hurting himself. Cole’s heart squeezed.
“C’mon,” Cole whispered, cupping Levi’s cheek. “You had a good reason for leaving them alone.”
“But there could be a million other reasons I’ll get distracted,” Levi said. “Maybe I’m just not suited to have my own babies.”
“Not true,” Cole said. “You practically grew up caring for children, Levi. Remember carrying around your baby brothers in those old family photos?”
Levi looked at his feet, his shoulders sagging.
“It’s all in here,” Cole whispered, pressing his palm over Levi’s heart. “Never doubt that your instincts will step in when you need them most.”
“I guess.” Levi sighed, burying his face in Cole’s shoulder. “You’ve always had way too much faith in me.”
“That’s because I love you.” Cole kissed his nape.
Before Levi could answer, his phone buzzed.
“Ignore it,” Cole murmured. “Let’s go to bed.”
Levi looked tempted. Except the incoming call read Gran, and Levi couldn’t ignore it, even if Cole wanted him to. “Hello?”
“Levi,” Gran’s tinny voice said faintly. “That bumblebee picture you sent last week was absolutely adorable! I won first place in that competition.”
“That’s awesome!” Levi cracked a smile. “But Taylor and Jenn just went home with their parents, so I don’t think we can get another picture in anytime soon.”
“Ah, those rascals,” Gran said. “But you’ll have your own soon, won’t you? Just a few more months. Things will go right this time.”
Levi’s smile faded completely from his face. And protectiveness roared in Cole’s chest.
He took the phone from Levi, pressing it to his ear. “Listen, Gran. I know you love Levi and everything. But he can’t deal with talking about the baby, okay? He’s been pregnant five times before. All of them ended in miscarriages. We can’t promise you this baby.”
Levi froze, all the blood draining from his face.
17
LEVI
LEVI COULDN’T BREATHE. Cole had told Gran. And he’d laid it out unapologetically, so bluntly that Gran would figure out Levi had lied.
Gran had taught Levi to bake cookies. She’d brought him out on long walks, and she’d been to all his school graduation ceremonies. To lose her would be like losing an important part of his life.
There was a beat of silence across the line. Levi covered his face, his stomach squeezing tight. He could already imagine Gran’s forehead crinkling, sheer disappointment flickering through her eyes.
“Cole?” she asked uncertainly, her voice ringing faintly from the phone.
Cole breathed out. “Yeah. He didn’t want to tell you about them. I’ve visited the graves. They’re buried in the forest behind Levi’s parents’ house.”
Another long silence. “So... So when Levi agreed to the conditions on the house... I asked for a great-grandchild, and the guesthouse to be repaired.”
“I’m starting work on the guesthouse today,” Cole said. “I don’t know if we can promise you the baby, though.”
“Oh,” Gran said softly, like she was disappointed in Levi.
Levi’s face burned with shame. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled against his palms. “I’ll move out of the house. I’ll pay the rent for it. I’ll... do anything.”
“Tell him he can continue to stay there,” Gran said. Then she hung up, leaving a Call ended message on Levi’s phone.
Levi sank to the ground, hugging his knees. Gran knew. Cole had told Gran, and now Gran knew Levi had been lying to her these six weeks.
He buried his face in his hands, embarrassed and terrified, feeling like a piece of plywood cast adrift. This was enough to have Gran sever her ties with him, wasn’t it?
They’d probably have to move out. Gran wouldn’t want him still staying here, a liar and a failure and who knew what else she thought of him.
Cole knelt next to Levi in a rush of air, wrapping strong arms around him. “I’m sorry,” Cole rumbled, nuzzling Levi’s temple. “I couldn’t stand around hearing that about the baby. She’s hurting you, Levi.”
“But I don’t know if I still have a gran to return to now.” Levi whimpered, leaning into Cole.
Right now, all Levi could think about was how betrayed she was feeling. Guilt tightened his throat. “I should leave this place. I don’t want to be a freeloader.”
Cole frowned. “I’ll fix the guesthouse. It’ll take a while, but it’ll buy us some time to get a new place.”
But everything was wrong. Levi was supposed to stay here for another ten months. He was supposed to splash in the pool and explore the rooms he’d played in as a child. There hadn’t been time to do that, and now...
“You’ve been pregnant so many times,” Cole said quietly. “How come she never questioned that?”
Levi bit his lip. “She was away the first two pregnancies. Then I started losing them, and I didn’t want anyone to find out I was pregnant, so I avoided my family. No one knew.”
Cole sighed, pressing their foreheads together. “You don’t have to do this alone, you know.”
Levi cracked a smile. “I know now that you keep reminding me about it.”
Cole smiled, stroking Levi’s back.
Levi thought back to Gran, and all that he still owed her. “The vase that Jenn broke,” Levi mumbled. “I still haven’t told her about that.”
“I’ll pay for it,” Cole said. “Don’t worry.”
“But it’s expensive!” Levi shrunk into himself. “It looks like she imported it all the way from Asia.”
“It’s my money.” Cole paused. “Unless you want it to be yours, too. Then sure, I don’t mind.”
Confused, Levi glanced up, his eyes wet. “Your money? Mine? I don’t understand.”
“I’m saying we could combine our finances,” Cole said, his gaze dark.
It took a moment for that to sink in. Then Levi’s stomach dropped. What Cole was saying... That was a big commitment. Levi wet his lips nervously. “You can’t be sure about that.”
“I am.” Cole stroked Levi’s jaw. “Not like there’s anyone else I have to spend it on.”
“There’s Jenn,” Levi said. “And Taylor.”
“But they’re not you.” Cole never once looked away.
But that meant... becoming life partners, didn’t it? And Levi was nervous again, but for an entirely different reason.
Could this really work out, when Levi had neglected Taylor and Jenn because Cole had a nightmare? Levi would make mistakes again. He couldn’t be the responsible father Cole thought he’d be.
Levi gulped, afraid to commit now. Cole was making rash decisions. When I lose this child... Cole will come to his senses. He’ll leave.
“I’ll think about it,” Levi said to delay making a choice. So Cole wouldn’t trap himself in something he couldn’t get out of.
Instead of protesting, Cole kissed Levi’s forehead, his gaze warm. “We’ll make it work. I promise.”
THEY VISITED Gran’s house the next morning, shortly before Levi had to work at Olivier’s Stri
ngs.
The driveway was empty; Levi sighed, relieved that she wasn’t there. He didn’t know how he could look her in the eye and say he was sorry. He didn’t know how he managed to step onto her porch at all.
“C’mon,” Cole murmured, squeezing his waist.
Woodenly, Levi set the vase of purple hyacinths outside her door. The florist had said they signified an apology, and regret. On a tiny attached note card, he’d scribbled I’m sorry.
“Gonna knock?” Cole asked.
“Her car isn’t here,” Levi said. “I don’t think she’s in.”
“She might’ve taken it in for service or something. You never know.”
Levi’s insides writhed. He would’ve fled, except Cole believed in him. So he hammered on the door, his heart pounding.
No one answered. After a couple of minutes, Cole tilted his head back toward the car. “Guess she’s out.”
It was only when they’d left Gran’s driveway that Levi could breathe again. He sucked in a shaky breath, realizing he was gripping Cole’s thigh painfully tight.
“I’m sorry,” Cole said, wincing. “I should’ve thought things over before I told her.”
“It’s not your fault,” Levi mumbled. It was his own, for initiating this entire mess.
The sky was bright above them, and it didn’t reflect Levi’s mood at all. At Olivier’s Strings, Ollie peered worriedly at Levi. “What’s wrong?”
“My fault,” Cole said darkly. “I fucked up.”
Levi explained the deal with Gran, then Cole telling her about the miscarriages. Ollie’s horror grew.
“Wait—you’ve miscarried?” Olivier yelped, blanching. “And—And this whole time, I’ve been getting you to help with Jenn and Taylor...”
“It’s fine,” Levi said tiredly. “I agreed to it. It’s not a big deal, anyway. Those are your children. I just can’t—can’t have my own.”
He choked up, saying those words. Olivier stepped up to him, pulling Levi into a tight hug.
“I’m sorry,” Ollie whispered, stroking Levi’s hair. “I should’ve known better.”
Levi closed his eyes, leaning into Ollie. There wasn’t much else they could do at this point, except damage control.
The Pretense (Men of Meadowfall Book 7) Page 15