William shifted. “I don’t see you that way, Addison. I see a strong woman, stronger than anyone I know, but I’d like to know more if you’re willing to share it. I want to know all of you.”
Addie raised her eyebrows slightly. “The thing is I’ve always had this feeling that I wanted to tell you, that somehow I was supposed to tell you.”
“So do, please.”
“All right,” Addie replied, staring out the driver’s side window, just past his gaze. She paused to exhale before continuing. “When I was younger, they gave me one of those little potties you use to toilet train your kids with so there would be absolutely no reason for me to come out of my room. I’d get thirsty or hungry or maybe just bored, so I’d break the rules. Sometimes I was forced to stay in my room for days, and if I came out, I was spanked for it. Yet there were many times I didn’t even care about getting punished because even though the spankings eventually turned into beatings, they were better than the loneliness. I guess it was better to feel pain than nothing at all. Anyway, a lot of it I was either too young to really remember, or I’ve just blocked it out. I don’t know. But long story short, I learned along the way that not only did my feelings not matter but I didn’t matter. No matter how hard I tried to be what they wanted me to be, it wasn’t ever going to be enough. In my experience, showing your feelings or having needs got you hurt. And if you’re lonely enough or hungry enough, eventually you learn it’s just best not to have them. I know that a big part of you understands that—understands what it’s like to be this way—but a lot of people won’t. I think . . . that unless you’ve been severely neglected or abused, you can’t possibly get what it’s like to have to walk on eggshells all the time—to be afraid to show any emotion—to feel so small that you’re practically invisible, as if you don’t even exist. It’s a scary and exhilarating feeling as a child to know that you could walk out the door for school and not come back and that it would be a long time, maybe forever, before anyone came looking for you. Then, before long, you grow up, and it gets a little easier, and you take what you can get, where you can get it. Love is love, you tell yourself. You take what it is you feel you deserve, until pretty soon you’re lost in it. It’s hard and beautiful and intoxicating because it goes against everything you’ve ever known to be true. It sort of feels like a lie, but at the same time, it feels as if a truth has finally been revealed about yourself. All of a sudden life is more amazing than anything you could ever imagine; it’s like a high you don’t want to come down from. The trouble is the lows are what you know. The good news is, you tell yourself, if things get rough you know how to make yourself invisible, and so when it happens, you play small, in part because it’s what you’ve always done, but also because you’re so afraid of losing the little bit of love you’ve worked so hard to earn. Why? Because you know what lonely really is, and you don’t want to go back to that place, and so you’ll do just about anything to keep what you have. Maybe because losing it would somehow mean that they were right about you all along.”
William turned and met her gaze straight on. “God damn it. It’s strange, you know, because I knew all of this. I mean somehow I knew it. It’s partly what drew me to you that day in the elevator, you know. It’s as though we were two addicts searching for one another, as though maybe together we could finally see ourselves. It’s like how water seeks its own level. I love you, and I think the fact that our pasts are similar is in part why you love me too. We understand each other. It’s like you’re the drug I need, the drug that makes me better. Even more so, you make me want to be better. What I don’t understand is why you won’t just give into it? We’ve both seen things just as bad as they can get, so what I don’t get is what more is there you need? What is it that you’re afraid of, Addison?”
Addie exhaled slowly and wiped the tears from her eyes. “This. I’m afraid of this. I’m afraid of feeling like this, of getting hurt. I’m afraid of loving you and even more so of letting you love me. For a long time, I didn’t really understand what happened in the elevator that day. I mean how I could just have sex with a random stranger? How could I be so drawn to someone that I couldn’t even control myself? That wasn’t me, and it scared me. Not only did I not even know you but . . . I mean . . . I was happy in my marriage, wasn’t I? It wasn’t until much later—sometime after the Domme training with Sondra—that I finally got it. I finally understood, and I saw myself for what I was—what I am. It made sense that I’d been so starved for love, for someone to really want me, to see me that I just went with it. And I realized too, that while the way it happened between you and me might have been a mistake, in many ways, it was also an awakening.”
“It wasn’t a mistake. I’m not going to hurt you,” William whispered, gently pressing his thumbs just beneath her eyelids, wiping the tears away.
“That’s just the thing, though. I don’t want to find out. We’re broken people, you and I. And I think you need . . . I think that you deserve someone who’s whole.”
“Two halves make a whole, you know,” William said. “I think you’re hiding something. I want to know what you’re really afraid of, Addison. You have to be willing to let your guard down because I want to know the depths of you. I want all of it.”
“I’m afraid that I already love you too much, and I’m just going to get swallowed up in it. I’m afraid of letting what happened in my marriage happen with us. You’re that kind of man, William. You just eat people up and spit them out.” Addie paused and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I’m afraid of losing myself again.”
“Allowing yourself to be loved isn’t losing yourself, Addison. You know that, right?”
Addie shifted and turned towards the window. “What is it you want from me, William?”
He reached over and caught her chin with the tip of his finger, pulling her face towards him. “You want to know what I really want. All right then, I’m going to lay it on the line for you. But you can’t leave here and pretend that you don’t know anymore. This is it. If I put it out there, you’re going to take it or leave it. Do you understand what I’m telling you? No more of this back-and-forth bullshit. If you want to know how I feel, I’ll tell you. But once I do, there’s no more in and out. It’s take it or leave it, understand? You have to trust me enough to let me in.”
Addie gasped at the intensity of his stare. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to speak. “Okay.”
She watched as William smiled briefly before he quickly let it fade away and the intensity in his eyes came back. She knew that feeling well. He lowered his voice. “You want to know what I want, Addison? What I want is for us to cut the bullshit and be together. And I mean really be together, not this you-meet-me-here-I-meet-you-there kind of thing that we’ve got going. I want to see our lives unfold together. I want to hold your hand in public. I want people to know you’re mine and that I’m yours. I want to hang out with you on weekends. I want to get to know your children. I want to take care of you and let you take care of me in return. But most of all, I want to stop pretending that I don’t need you so fucking much. I’m not asking you to spend the rest of your life with me, not yet, anyway. But I am asking that we decide one way or another where this is headed. You either want to give this a shot or you don’t.”
“Okay.”
William chuckled then frowned. “Okay? That’s all you’re going to say? Just okay?”
Addie hopped over into his seat and straddled him, taking his face in her hands. “No, not just okay. I love you and I want to try. I really do, but there are a few things you should probably know about me before you go deciding that you want to be with me, especially on weekends,” she said, feigning shock.
William grinned. “All right then, shoot.”
“Well, for starters, I’m not marrying you, probably not ever. And . . . before you decide you want to go and do something as serious as see your life unfold with mine, you need to know that I’m extremely stubborn. I’m hard to handle. Not only do I
have difficultly showing my feelings but many times I don’t even know what they are. Secondly, I’m incredibly protective of my children, and if I’m willing to let you in, you have to understand that I’d be trusting you with something that means more to me than anything thing in this world. You have to promise me that you’re not going to fuck that up.”
A smile crept across his face. “That’s it?” She bit her lip as William leaned in to kiss her. He pulled away and laughed. “Addison, I already knew those things. That’s I why I fell in love with you. We understand each other. Fuck! We’re practically one and the same.”
“Promise me you won’t do what I think you’re going to do.”
William cocked his head and reached for her. “And what is that?”
“With Hammons.”
“Addison, I said I was joking.”
“I know what you said, but you also told me you couldn’t lie to me, so which is it?”
William lifted her by the hips and placed her back in the passenger seat. He stared out the window as though he were unsure how to answer. Finally, he broke the silence. “Do you trust that I love you and that I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you? Because I do and I won’t. But I won’t let anyone else hurt you either.”
“You have to promise me, William. I need to know that you won’t do anything stupid.”
“All right. Let’s shake on it,” he replied with a smile as he thrust his hand in her direction, trying to lighten the mood.
Addie playfully took his hand and shook. “I don’t want to leave you,” she whispered, her expression serious and her eyes not leaving his.
“I know,” William replied before kissing her forehead. “This’ll be the last time, though.” He soothed her, and knowing it was all he could muster, he simply held her until Carl tapped on the window and told them it was time to move.
Fifteen
Penny would be the first to admit that she freaked out a little when she walked in and accidentally overheard that her son had knocked that woman up. Good God, what was this world coming to? What in the hell had her son been thinking? She’d certainly raised him better than this. Sure, his father had strayed a few times, but he’d never gotten himself into such a mess. Penny hadn’t a clue how she was going to pull him out of this one. And it scared her to death to think of what Addison was going to do now. She’d never let him see those children. She’d take everything, for sure, now. There was no pre-nup to stop her because, of course, her son hadn’t listened to her when she had suggested it. That boy was too much like his father to heed any of her advice, and look where it had gotten him. Up shit creek without a paddle, that’s where.
Penny had to do something; she just wasn’t sure what yet. Addison hated her, even if she’d never directly said so; there was just too much tension there for her to listen to reason. Maybe the fall had caused the woman to miscarry. Perhaps all this worry was for nothing, Penny hoped. I mean she didn’t really want to wish ill on anyone, but any child that would come into the world under these circumstances would be a bastard, and that was the last thing her family needed. Her mother taught her the importance of upholding one’s family’s reputation. Really, though, what else did one have without his integrity? Not much she guessed, knowing full well she wasn’t about to find out.
After she had spoken to Patrick, who had masterfully evaded answering any of her questions as to what he intended to do about his little unfortunate situation, she dialed up Scott Hammons. Penny practically begged him to tell her he had something new on that daughter-in-law of hers. He explained that he’d been sick over the last few days but that things were looking up and he was sober now. Thankfully, he sounded sober, because Penny assured him now wasn’t the time to play. She advised him that if he could get her some dirt, then it was fine to do whatever he had to do. She’d provide the funding or whatever it was he needed to get the job done. She even suggested he pay someone in Addison’s office for information on her; surely someone had to know something. She told him to do what he had to do and fast. If he needed more money, then so be it. She would take what she could get. Penny didn’t exactly like working with a madman, but what else was she to do? Her family was at risk of crumbling, and what would this mean for her grandchildren? Surely, their mother would take them away, leaving Penny little influence as to how their lives would turn out. She’d even turn them against their own father, Penny surmised.
Sure, this kind of thing happened to other families, but it didn’t happen to her family. She could just imagine what they’d all say about her. All of a sudden she would be known as that horrible mother who had raised the son with no values, and it would be as though her entire life, everything she had worked for, everything she had put up with—from the constant need to achieve, just trying to be perfect, to the incessant volunteering, the philandering husband, everything—she’d be the laughingstock of the town. Hey, did you hear what happened to the Greyers? Life as she knew it would stop. The invitations to parties would cease, and the vacations with friends, all of it, would suddenly disappear. They’d be outcasts, and everything she’d worked towards would be for naught. One might accuse her of overreacting, of course, and her husband would likely be one of them, but Penny knew this to be true because she’d witnessed it so many times before. If word got out about this, it would be as though she had been living a lie. But she couldn’t and she wouldn’t allow such a thing to happen. It was time to up the ante.
Hot Damn! He’d practically been spoon-fed the information he needed. Maybe Penny Greyer wasn’t so dumb after all. In fact, he was beginning to wonder if perhaps she might be one of his angels in disguise. The good news was that he saw the light, now. He was going to take care of Penny’s problem once and for all. All of her problems too. Not just that little bitch, Addison Greyer. Penny didn’t have to tell him that her son was a pathetic philandering loser. Anyone with half a brain knew that just by watching his comings and goings. He also guessed that Penny worried about her grandchildren being raised by such vile excuses for human beings. Since Penny had offered to help him and had given him a fresh start—the opportunity to get his own family back—he figured what better way to repay her than to get rid of the daughter-in-law and take the pesky son out of the picture by framing him for murder. If Penny was an angel the way he suspected, it’s not like he would be killing her son, only helping her remove the evil from her life. And everyone needed that—angel or not.
Scott knew Addison had been with Hartman; he’d hacked into the surveillance system from the parking garage in his building. One would think that a man with as much money as he had could do better for himself in the way of protecting against these situations, but this was William Hartman, after all. That being said, it was time to move. Now that he was sober and Penny was so willing to put a little cash in his pocket, he decided that he’d rather not go to trial. There was no need to go through all of that trouble, when he could just as easily let the evidence speak for itself. Once word got out about Patrick murdering his wife, people would know what kind of person Addison Greyer really was. She was a liar and a cheater who had only caused him trouble. People like her weren’t worth the oxygen they breathed.
Once he was able to get just a little bit more information out of Penny as to everyone’s whereabouts without raising any suspicion on her part, he planned to move in. Most people would make the mistake of striking too soon, but he was smarter than that. If he knew anything, he knew that it was best to wait for just the right circumstance. Luckily, for him, though, it wouldn’t be too much longer.
For now, he simply had to work on getting a little bit closer to the target. The time was near; it was just a matter of throwing Hartman’s guys off his trail. They’d been parked down the road from his place for several days now, and although at first, he thought it was the angels watching over him, once he sobered up, the voices settled down enough to allow for his latest vision. He saw that those bastards were keeping tabs on him. Now all he needed was to create a little d
istraction in order to get out of town. He had the notion that God would be delivering the answer very soon. Soon enough, he would be well on his way.
Michele woke up and looked at Patrick with a certain resignation he hadn’t seen before. “Hey there,” he whispered. She looked better than she had earlier; there was finally some color to her face. He reached for her hand and wrapped it in his before she pulled away and ran it down her stomach. “The baby?”
“The baby’s fine. Perfectly normal. How are you?”
She shifted a little in bed and winced, reaching for her head. “Tired.”
“I think they’re going to let us out of here pretty soon. And I was thinking that since you need to take a few days off I’d drive you home and stay with you there for a little while until you’re back on your feet.”
“I don’t know, Patrick. I think I’m going to call my sister.”
Patrick stepped away and paced the room. “What do you mean you don’t know?”
Michele toyed with the IV in her arm, hesitating before she spoke. “I just don’t think I can do this anymore. It’s not healthy. I mean . . . clearly.”
“All right, well, we’ll talk about all that when you’re feeling better.”
“No, Patrick, I think we need to talk about it here. Now. This baby means everything to me. I’ve been given a chance, a gift, you know, and I’m messing it up. I’ve been so wrapped up in you that I’m not taking care of me. But it’s no longer about me. Don’t you see? What we’ve had isn’t enough for me anymore, now that I have somebody else to worry about.”
Breaking Bedrock (Book Two) Page 12