by Lexy Timms
Is this all because I saw him? she thought desperately, fumbling around for the glass of water she swore she had poured. Is this because seeing him makes me sick?
Her vision was blurry, and she felt something hard on her eyelid. She rubbed her eyes and felt it tear away like a scab, leaving a painful patch behind. The room seemed to warp and bend in every possible direction, and she was beginning to have a panic attack about her water. She couldn’t decide if she was confusing her water cup at home with the one she had here in the hotel room.
“Where’s the glass?” she moaned, any train of thought totally forgotten. The scratch of her throat brought tears to her eyes as she slumped on the edge of the bed, grabbing her abdomen. Everything inside her felt sore, like she had been punched in the gut.
She found her phone in her hand, and for a split-second was so confused and lightheaded she tried to dial the glass of water’s number. Instead, as she was getting frustrated with her brain fog, she heard a familiar ding sound.
Cayden’s name was on the screen, that much she could tell. Instantly she opened the message and held the phone close to her face, wondering where her glasses were.
What room are you in?
“Cayden,” she whispered, but even the whisper got caught on the roughness of her throat. Her confusion caused her to forget any of the negative feelings she had earlier; Katharina and the day’s events were far from her mind right now. It took a few times before she typed the number right. 428.
The phone slipped from her hand, and she looked at it on the floor. Water. Her eyes flitted to the little table by the door, where a fancy silver bucket sat with an ornate scoop.
Ice. Her memory cleared enough for her to remember there was a machine near her door—or was there? If there’s a bucket, there must be an ice machine. All hotels have ice machines. That’s what a hotel is for: having ice machines for people. In her delirium, she inched forward and took the bucket by the handle, falling back against the wall. Switching the bucket to the hand that was still grasping her stomach, she battled with the door handle until it opened a hair’s breadth.
She slumped to the floor, resting her head. At this angle she could see down the hall, and she tried to see the ice machine from here.
But there was no ice machine in her line of vision.
A series of booms that sounded like thunder reached her ears. Storm, she thought, closing her eyes again. I love storms. Come on, rain. Put me to sleep. Bring me my emergency pill so I can feel better, and then put me to sleep. I can go home as soon as I feel better.
“Lil.” The voice was deep and full and familiar. Her eyelids weighed a thousand pounds, but she forced them open enough to see a strong, chiseled face close to hers.
What felt like a hand touched her cheek. “You’re burning up.”
“Cayden,” she said, and her eyes closed again.
“Yeah, I’m here. What happened?”
Her mouth was so dry from thirst that it felt sticky. “I just need my pill,” she slurred.
The floor disappeared beneath her; she felt herself being carried to the bed and gently laid down. He put his hand on her arm. “Where’s your pill?”
“I need some water.”
“Don’t move. I’ll be right back.” She heard the thunder again, but this time it faded away.
Rain, are you still coming?
Since she had arrived in Los Angeles, she’d barely had time to check out her room and the facilities at the hotel. What she did know at this point was that the ice bucket was fancy, the bathtub was massive, and the window was almost the size of the entire wall.
Everything was quiet, but not for long. Almost as soon as they had left, the rumbling footsteps came back. She knew Cayden walked loudly, but she swore the sound was signaling the incoming storm. She waited for the sound of rain to fill the room.
“Where are your pills?”
“I’ll find them,” she was barely able to mumble, but made no attempt to move. She felt herself sinking very quickly into a dark sleep.
Cayden said something else, but she knew he wasn’t trying to talk to her. His voice was different when he was talking to himself. Sometimes he hummed to himself. She could hear it in her head now. One time, he was cleaning his kitchen while he thought she was sleeping. But she wasn’t, and she tried to sneak up on him. Hearing such a huge, muscular guy humming to himself was the opposite of what she had expected to come upon, so she tiptoed back to the room and curled up in the bed again until he came to wake her up.
I was already awake, she thought, and the corners of her mouth twitched in a little smile.
One boom vibrated the floor. She felt it through the bed, but she didn’t know if it was her imagination or not. She didn’t really know if Cayden was actually there, but it didn’t matter too much. She just wanted to sleep, and now seemed like a good time.
“Lil.” Something slid under the back of her head, pulling her body up a little.
She grunted, but didn’t have the energy to fight back. “Lil, here’s your medicine. It says it will make you drowsy, so you’ll fall asleep. But it’s okay.”
“I’m okay.”
“You’re about to be even more okay. Can you open your mouth?”
Lillian obeyed, and felt the blessed shape of her emergency pill on her tongue. Cayden took her hand and put it around a small glass of water, then helped her raise it to her lips. She gulped it all down in one go. It made it easier for her to breathe. Her lips suddenly didn’t feel like desert sand anymore.
“I want to sleep.”
“Go to sleep. I’ll take care of you.”
“It’s okay, go take care of your yard.” She could smell the flowers.
“I’m going to spend some time with you.” He touched her forehead. His hand was so big, it seemed to touch the sides of her head at the same time. “You’re still really, really hot, Lil.”
“I feel hot.” The dark sleep was coming back, fast.
“I’m going to help you cool off, all right?”
She didn’t respond. If he really is here, he’ll take care of me. But he needs to go take care of his flowers. They’re also thirsty. My skin is so thirsty.
Cayden took her in his arms and pulled her up. She felt his strong legs on either side of her and his big, broad chest against her back. “We’re going to sit in the bath, okay?”
“I’m clean,” she murmured.
He chuckled. “I know you are. I smell the shampoo in your hair. But I need to cool you down, all right? Your body is too hot.”
“You think I’m hot?” She couldn’t make it sound like a joke, but she meant it as one.
“Indeed, I do. Lift your arms.” He pulled her shirt off her head and leaned back. “Pants time.”
“Shorts,” she corrected.
“Good. They’re easier.” He pulled off her comfortable cotton pajama shorts. “Bath time now.”
“Is the water ready?”
“Yep. Let’s go.” He lifted her up.
“I didn’t hear you start the water.”
“You must have been asleep.” She felt him try to keep his body stable as he stepped into the bathtub with her. “It’s not hot, but it’s not too cold. Okay?”
“Okay.” She clung to his arm as hard as her weakened body would let her. Her toes touched the water first, and it felt perfect. Very slowly Cayden lowered her into the water, the whole time holding her tightly. Only when she was submerged to her shoulders did she foggily realize how blazing hot she had been before.
“This is good,” she whispered, her voice popping. “I think I’m thirsty.”
In half a second, Cayden put the glass of water to her lips. “I’ve got you covered.”
She drank deeply, feeling more full of life albeit more sleepy. “I thought I was going to have a flare-up.”
“You looked like you were going to.”
“I didn’t, though.”
“Good. Is your medicine working?”
“I’ll tell y
ou later.” Every word drained more energy from her, and she knew he would be around later. He had to be. She didn’t want him to go. His flowers could wait.
“You can take care of your yard tomorrow.” Her voice faded off at the end, but he heard what she said.
“Yeah,” he replied. “I can work on it soon.”
Feeling immensely safe against his body, she let her head fall to one side.
“Go to sleep, Lil. I’ve got you.” His words sounded distant and a little echo-ey, like they were bouncing off the walls of a tunnel.
He’s got me. The cloud of sleep surrounded her until she was deep in a dream.
SLOWLY AND CAUTIOUSLY she put one foot forward, testing the strength of the bridge. The water on either side glimmered in the sunlight. Beneath the surface, she could see the shadowy figures of tiny fish swimming around.
It’s okay, she heard a voice. It wasn’t Cayden’s, but it echoed off the water in the same way his voice had as she was falling asleep. The voice had led her here, down the cobblestone pathways and through the gardens that, of course, were not too trimmed and just enough overgrown. Just how she liked it. She knew it was a dream, but that didn’t stop her from enjoying the environment.
“Is it strong enough to support me?” The wood of the bridge creaked under her feet, but didn’t wobble.
Yes, of course. You have nothing to worry about.
The end of the bridge was just ahead and she gingerly stepped forward, placing her feet directly in front of each other, until her toes were almost hanging off the edge.
“Now what?”
Now, said the voice, and she could tell whoever was speaking was smiling, jump.
“That doesn’t sound very peaceful.”
Look down.
“I thought looking down before you jump is the opposite of what you’re supposed to do.”
Tell me what you see.
Anxious, Lillian dared to look down into the water below her. At first it was only millions of glittering light fractals dancing on the undulating water.
“I don’t see—” she started, but suddenly an odd shape caught her eye. It looked like a window.
That doesn’t make any sense, she thought, leaning forward. How is there a window down there?
It was a window, and now she could see the outline of curtains, too. The gentle waves eased to a stop and the water became like a thin sheet of glass. Even the glimmers of light disappeared gradually until what was the ocean—or some mysterious, similar beautiful body of water—became more like a mirror.
“Is that my hotel room?” she asked, incredulous but also intrigued.
Yes, it is.
“I think I see. Is that my bed? Is that me lying on my bed?”
Yes, it is.
“Is that Cayden?” She already knew it was, but the question came out nonetheless. He was on his side, one hand on her hip and the other curled around her head, making himself into a sort of human fortress. Even though she wasn’t feeling herself sleep, seeing the two of them sleeping so soundly next to each other still gave her the same sensation of safety.
“So, what happens if I jump?”
Do you want to wake up?
She had to think about it for a moment. “I guess I do.”
Then jump.
Her eyes remained locked on the watery mirror. She wondered if she was ready to wake up. Being able to see herself, like an out of body experience, was amazing. But she knew the view would stay the same and nothing else interesting would happen unless she jumped back into herself.
“Thank you,” she told the voice. “The gardens were beautiful. Don’t trim them anymore. They’re perfect just as they are.”
Wake well, said the voice. Lillian smiled. Of course this wasn’t a “sleep well” moment. She was asleep already.
Wake well, she thought. I wish I could start saying that more often.
She looked around one last time, enjoying the sunlight. Nothing in her felt anxious or stressed. She had no pains in her stomach or body from her illness. Everything was perfect.
I guess that’s the beauty of a dream. Brushing a strand of hair behind her ear, she jumped forward with everything she had and splashed into the water. It wasn’t wet.
The world turned dark, and she was lost for only a second. Suddenly she began to feel her chest rise and fall and the softness of the pillow. A familiar scent tickled her nose, and she took a deep breath. Reaching her arm up, she rubbed her eye and turned on her side, listening to the gentle rustling of the sheets as she moved. It sounded just a little bit like the ocean’s waves in her dream.
“Wake well,” she whispered, but so softly she only felt her voice breathe against her lips. Cayden’s sleeping face was only inches from hers.
This may be the last time I see his face this close and this peaceful, she realized, sliding back into reality. She wasn’t awake enough to think any negative thoughts yet. The only feelings that came to her were those of heartache.
“I don’t want you to go,” she mouthed, making sure not to let her voice through this time.
Almost as if he heard her, Cayden shifted slightly and opened his eyes. He didn’t look around the room or at anything else. His gaze locked on her eyes, and before he said anything she watched his eyes flicker around her face, drinking in all the details. The tiny hairs wisped around her head, the earrings she hadn’t yet taken off, the freckle next to her lip that had always made her insecure as a child, but not anymore.
“You’re beautiful,” he murmured.
Her first reaction was to smile, self-conscious because she was sure she looked far from beautiful right now, according to her own standards. But the way he looked at her so genuinely kept her from making a contradictory reply.
Then she felt her heart break a little.
Don’t think about it, she told herself.
“I don’t remember everything,” she lied.
With a grunt, Cayden propped himself up on his elbow. “You took your emergency pill. You had a fever or something. I cooled us down in the bath.”
Lillian touched her shoulder, feeling only her skin and her bra strap. “I feel better now.”
“Need some water?” Without waiting for a reply, he reached behind him to the table and handed her the water glass. She swallowed a few times and set it on the table on her side of the bed.
“Why did you stay?”
“I needed to know you would be okay.”
“Why did you come?”
“How could I not?”
They looked at each other. He looked so perfect; she loved seeing him in the dim light. A soft shadow flitted across his face, but the warm light of the one lit lamp touched his bright blue eyes. The sparkle in them reminded her of the dream ocean.
I miss you, she shouted inside her head, wishing she had the guts to say it out loud. Her voice balled up in her throat and felt like it was about to choke her. Cayden’s face changed as he saw her struggling with something inside. At first she thought he was going to say something, but he stayed silent.
Very, very slowly, he leaned over, put his hand on her head, and kissed her.
It sent electricity down her veins, and all of a sudden she felt like she had left her body again and was back in a dream. This can’t be real, she tried to convince herself, but Cayden kissed her again and she melted. His teeth lightly grabbed her bottom lip.
Lillian’s back arched to meet his body, eager to soak in his scent and warmth. How long had she been waiting for this? Weeks, since he had left and come to Los Angeles, and even though it hadn’t been too long since he came home to see her, it felt like an eternity. Every day she had tried to brainwash herself into thinking she was better off without him. Or, rather, he was better off with her. Yet here they were again—and it seemed that Cayden couldn’t keep his hands off her body.
She was intensely aware of his hand resting on her waist and the feeling of his skin under her palm. Their bodies just fit. She couldn’t deny it, especially as he
effortlessly pulled her on top of him.
“Do you feel okay?” he asked, the tip of his nose touching hers as he spoke.
Breath stolen, she nodded.
“I’ll be gentle,” he whispered, touching her hair and watching it catch between his fingers. She saw the look in his eyes, so captivated by such a simple thing. His attention shifted, and he rolled them both over in one fluid movement. She was in a shadow now, his sturdy body blocking the light. He was so much bigger than her; she always forgot until he was looming over her like this.
There was no need for words. The two pairs of lips became one, the two tongues joining passionately. The hot sweat the bath had washed away earlier returned as they tangled their arms and legs in a quiet fervor. Lillian couldn’t get close enough to him, no matter how Cayden wrapped himself around her. Nothing would do until she felt his hips against hers, and the desire consumed her so ferociously nothing could stop her now.
With a trembling hand, she reached down and felt Cayden hard and ready.
I want you, she thought, and she knew he heard it somehow. She pushed him inside her, and the electricity surged across her skin and permeated her bones. Gently his hips moved back and forth, and her mind went away to the blissful place. There was the water, flowing with every movement he made. His musky scent covered her; the smell of her body spray covered him.
Never before had their bodies united so slowly and tenderly. There was no rush now; neither of them was capable of thinking about the end or about the next morning or the next week.
Right now they belonged to each other, wholly and in every way.
Chapter 08
“That looks amazing, dear. I’d never have thought to put it there!” Katharina gushed at Lillian’s placing of a small bookshelf under one of the windows that was higher up on the wall.
The rest of the windows in the guest room—the third guest room in her house, that is—ran from floor to ceiling. When Lillian first saw the awkward window that was half the size of the others, she grimaced. Who approved this design? she wondered, quickly wiping the ugly expression off her face. Turning to Katharina, she smiled and assured her that they would be able to make this room look perfectly fine, and that the black sheep window would be no problem at all.