The players were installed in the vehicles on a slide-out turntable beneath the dash, which was hidden behind a dropdown door that could be opened at the push of a button. It was possible to switch between the record player and the radio with a single switch, and both devices shared a volume knob as well as an equalizer.
As one might imagine, the systems did not work very well as records skipped whenever the vehicle hit a bumpy surface. Perhaps even worse, because the record players were made as part of an exclusive arrangement with Columbia Records, they could only play music from artists signed to that label. That made a ridiculous device pretty much useless as even if you simply used the player when parked, the extreme limitations of which artists you could listen to made it not worth the trouble of having one.
14
Laserdiscs: It’s a DVD Mixed with a Record
Record-sized platters that could not actually hold most movies on one disc, laser discs were the most ridiculous of the half-baked formats that came before DVDs replaced VHS tapes and CDs replaced cassette tapes. The problem with any new format for delivering movies, music, or any other form of entertainment is that until enough people adopt it, prices will be absurdly high. The laser disc, however, made this problem part of its marketing pitch as laser discs were pushed as a high-end format for home theater snobs and others who appreciate the best quality.
The problem with marketing to the elite buyer is, of course, that only so many elite buyers exist. For a media format that quickly becomes a kiss of death as the limited market makes content providers wary of the format. Because only a tiny percentage of the moviebuying public had laser disc players, only a limited amount of movies were released in the format, and those that were released cost three to five times more than their VHS cousins.
The laser disc actually began its life under the unfortunate name, “Discovision.” Discovision, the format, which actually began in 1978, existed in near-total obscurity until Pioneer acquired it in the late 1980s. Though the format did become popular in Japan—where they seem to love ridiculous American castoffs—it never penetrated more than 2 percent of U.S. households. This was largely because laser disc players did not offer an appreciably better experience than the already inexpensive VHS that nearly every household already owned. Essentially, the makers of laser disc swere banking that people would pay hundreds of dollars for a format that did not really offer a better experience.
Laser discs did have better sound and higher picture quality than VHS tapes. Of course, to take advantage of those benefits, you needed a high-end television and a home theater audio system. Of course, since very few consumers had those, that meant that to get them to buy an already very expensive laser disc player, they also would have to spend thousands upgrading their televisions.
In addition to their costs, laser discs were literally the size of a record. This flew in the face of electronic trends where new products are almost always smaller than the ones they replace. Laser discs were the equivalent of Apple releasing a new iPod with slightly more storage and mildly better audio that was the size of a hardcover book. This size also meant that laser discs took up more shelf space in retail and rental stores, which also limited their availability. During the late ’80s, “heyday” of laser discs, nearly every town had both chain and local video stores. These stores would have all the latest movies on VHS and one sorry shelf of laser discs, so even if you had a player and wanted to use it, rental choices were limited.
Perhaps the most damning characteristic of the laser disc was the fact that despite its large size, only sixty minutes of movie could be stored on each side. That meant that for average length movies, viewers would have to get up and flip the disc after an hour, and for long films, they would actually have to change the disc. That is, of course, if your laser discs were not subject (as many were) to “laser rot” whereby the glue holding the two sides of the disc together would come apart, rendering the already not-thatuseful laser discs completely useless. Mercifully, the laser disc met a swift end as soon as the DVD was introduced.
Worst Electronic Gizmos Ever
• Nintendo Virtual Boy
Looking like a giant bright red View-Master that completely cut off the wearer’s vision, the Nintendo Virtual Boy was hyped as the first video game system to display “3-D graphics out of the box.” Unfortunately, those 3-D graphics were rendered entirely in red LED pixels. The Virtual Boy gave users such bad headaches that Nintendo actually started recommending that people only play for fifteen minutes. Only fourteen games were ever released in the United States, and no multiplayer games were ever released nor was the linking cable which made the Virtual Boy’s EXT port completely useless. Nintendo pulled the much-hyped product in less than six months.
• DivX
Sort of a competitor to movie rental stores, DivX was a DVD system where customers bought the disk for around $4.99. Once the disc was played, it was only good for forty-eight hours, making it essentially a rental that did not need to be returned. That all seemed great until consumers learned that playing DivX discs required a proprietary DVD player that cost hundreds of dollars. Essentially, you had to buy an expensive player to rent movies when you could already rent movies for less than the cost of a DivX disc pretty much anywhere.
• IBM PCjr
A low-function computer with a keyboard that few could successfully type on, the PCjr was IBM’s attempt to translate the success the company had experienced in the business world with the PC to the home market. The PCjr cost more than twice as much as the already popular Commodore 64 and was the same price as the similar Coleco Adam, which came with a printer, a tape drive, and software. In fact, the PC Jr. was so expensive that it was possible to buy a complete PC system from many of IBM’s competitor for less than the cost of the very limited PC Jr.
• N-Gage
Not quite a cell phone, not quite a gaming system, the N-Gage was a Nokia product released in 2003 that was an attempt to lure customers away from Nintendo’s Game Boy system by adding cell phone functionality. This, of course, failed, because the buttons required for a cell phone did not work well for a video game system, and trying to hold a video game system to your ear was awkward at best. It also didn’t help that the N-Gage costs twice as much as Game Boy Advance and you also had to pay for phone service. In its first two weeks of availability, Nokia claimed four hundred thousand sold in the United States. In actuality, that number had been shipped to dealers, but only five thousand had actually been bought by customers.
• Microsoft BOB
Introduced as a nontechnical method to navigate the already pretty nontechnical Microsoft Windows environment, BOB was supposedly a way for Microsoft to make its products more userfriendly. Released in 1995, the software put users in a virtual house where they could use various icons to launch software like word processors and financial planners. This simplistic interface not only insulted the people it was aimed at by treating them like children but turned them off from computers in general by making them seem cartoonish and not all that useful. Microsoft would later repeat this mistake by adding the paper clip cartoon to Word whose only success was in teaching a revolted audience how to quickly turn him off.
15
The Female Urinal: Finally, Women Can Pee Standing Up
The best worst products solve a problem that nobody knew existed. The female urinal does exactly that as it’s a plastic coated funnel contraption that allows women to pee standing up. This valuable skill, formerly reserved only for those who actually possess a penis, might come in handy for women every now and then, but it seems unlikely that most women (or any) would carry around what is essentially a plastic funnel that sort of molds over the female genitalia just in case an appropriate situation should arise.
A shocking number of different versions of the female urinal have been marketed, but all provide essentially the same function—they allow women to pee standing up. One such product, the now-defunct La Femme, touted this as beneficial to wome
n stuck waiting in line at bars while men—due to their ability to pee standing up—quickly cycled in and out of the bathroom.
This idea, of course, assumed that men would not mind a woman walking up next to him in a crowded bar bathroom, dropping her pants (or lifting her skirt), placing a plastic device over her ladyparts and using said urinal. Even in a single gender situation urinals can be uncomfortable places. In venues like bars or stadiums where the bathrooms are crowded, most men have to be careful to keep their eyes forward in order to avoid an uncomfortable view of their neighbor. Most men would likely not want a woman sharing this experience with them and those that would, well, I’m guessing women would not want to be semi-unclothed next to them.
Of course, the devices not only allow women to use urinals, they also allow them to make use of alternate facilities—such as walls or parking lots as men have often done. Women, though, are generally a little more discreet than men and other than in dire emergencies (when you are unlikely to be carrying your helpful pee device anyway) very little demand exists for women to have the ability to pee while standing up.
In addition, most of these devices were relatively poorly made—basically cheap sleeves of plastic. Using them required keeping them in place. A slight deviation in the use of the product and the woman who had ostensibly been using the device to not have urine all over herself would have urine spraying about.
Though a number of companies have tried to create these devices and numerous versions have been released commercially, none have caught on or even really been part of the public consciousness. So, for now, urinals remain male only with women being forced to wait in lines, while peeing in a communal trough stays strictly the provence of the rougher gender.
THE “ARTS”
16
Jar Jar Binks: “Mesa” the Worst Character Ever
Following in the sad tradition of the Ewoks, Jar Jar Binks represented another attempt by George Lucas to bring young kids into the Star Wars universe. An attempt at comic relief in the three Star Wars prequels, Binks became almost universally reviled by fans of the movies. Despite his goofy appearance and bumbling heroism, Jar Jar never became the Star Wars version of Elmo that Lucas and his marketing people likely envisioned.
With giant floppy ears and bulging eyestalks, Binks looked preposterous in a world where Chewbacca and Jabba the Hut fit in fine. There was nothing subtle about Jar Jar. Even a little kid could look at him onscreen and see him as a toy walking amongst movie characters. Lucas might as well have introduced Strawberry Shortcake or Teddy Ruxpin as a companion for Anakin Skywalker, and the intent would not have been any less obvious.
Speaking in a vaguely offensive mix of gibberish and a Caribbean dialect, Binks was not only disliked, but many fans considered him a racist caricature. Many viewed him as a bad black stereotype, sort of the intergalactic version of Ted Danson in blackface or other well-intentioned, but woefully inappropriate ideas. Lines like “Mesa day startin’ pretty okee-day with a brisky morning munchen, then boom! Gettin’ berry scared and grabbin’ dat Jedi and pow! Mesa here! Mesa gettin’ berry, berry scared!” delivered in Binks’s faux-island accent did not help this portrayal.
Binks may be the only failed character in Star Wars history as even the kids he was supposed to entertain largely rejected him. Though many adults dismissed the Ewoks as giant teddy bears in Return of the Jedi, kids latched onto the characters, which not only broadened the appeal of the film, it sold a lot of merchandise. The difference, perhaps, is that while the Ewoks looked like teddy bears, their actions were intentional. They might have been cute and fuzzy, but their heroism on the battlefield was undeniable. Binks, on the other hand, was portrayed as a bumbling idiot—like the pretty girl in an action movie who only helps when she trips and accidentally fires the gun that she otherwise does not know how to use.
Binks became even more ridiculous when, as the trilogy progressed, he moved from exiled incompetent—an example of the worst of his species—to Galactic Senator. Since there was no way to keep him in the plot as a bumbling fool on the battlefield, Jar Jar’s accidental heroism apparently made him a hero to his people. This newfound renown led them to elect him as their representative to the Star Wars equivalent of Congress. This made no sense as his own people knew him to be an idiot—a well-intentioned idiot certainly, but an idiot nonetheless.
Despite the almost instant revulsion most Star Wars fans felt for the character, Lucas featured him in all three prequels and continues to use Jar Jar as a supporting character in The Clone Wars television show. And, of course, every manner of Jar Jar Binks toy exists, from dolls and action figures to an umbrella and an alarm clock that’s perfect for anyone who wants to be woken by a vaguely racist puppet.
17
Celebrity Albums: Being Famous Does Not Make You a Good Singer
They say that every singer wants to be an actor and every actor wants to be a singer. “Want” and “should,” however, are two very different words, and though a lot of actors have released albums, very few were a good idea. Of course, just because an actor has no particular musical talent does not mean that he or she cannot release an album. If you’re famous enough, you not only get to put out a CD, you might even have a hit single.
Perhaps the most egregious offender in this genre of nonsingers with enough hubris to insist on releasing not one but multiple albums would be comedian Eddie Murphy. At the height of his popularity, coming off the success of Beverly Hills Cop, Murphy released the album How Can It Be, featuring the ridiculous single “Party All the Time.” Despite Murphy’s inability to carry a tune, this song hit number 2 on the Billboard Top 100. Not content to simply have one novelty hit, Murphy struck again in 1989 with the mercifully forgotten So Happy, which included the single “Put Your Mouth on Me,” a song that went to number two on the R & B charts.
Murphy, however, saved his best for last as in 1993, he released his final (we hope) album Love’s Alright, featuring a duet with Michael Jackson “Whatzupwitu.” Despite featuring the “King of Pop,” and receiving heavy video rotation on MTV, this single and album went nowhere, forcing Murphy into making countless movies where he dons a fatsuit. It’s hard to quantify which was a worse choice, recording “Whatzupwitu” or making Norbit, but both leave you feeling a little sick to your stomach.
Murphy was not alone amongst big stars releasing albums because nobody in their entourage had the guts to tell them they could not sing. Among those committing this sin was Bruce Willis, who released three records, but only got attention for 1987’s Return of Bruno, which included the minor hit “Respect Yourself.” Also in the one-hit album category, despite not being able to sing, was Willis’s fellow 1980s television star Don Johnson, who charted with the single “Heartbeat” from the 1986 album of the same name. Johnson returned in 1988 with the song “Till I Loved You,” a duet with Barbra Streisand that proved that gay people won’t actually buy anything Ms. Streisand releases.
Not being as big a star as Murphy or Willis did not stop Joe Pesci from mortgaging his fame for a record deal as in 1998. In 1998, he released Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You, which spawned the single “Wise Guy.” Almost impossibly bad, “Wise Guy,” played off the gangster theme of many of Pesci’s movies. The song sampled Blondie’s “Rapture” and was one of two songs of note on the album, the other being Pesci’s tribute to his own signature character, “Yo Cousin Vinny.”
You do not, of course, need to be a big star to release a CD, though it does appear to help album sales. Reality “star” Heidi Montag only managed to sell 658 copies of her album Superficial in its first week of release. That may actually be more than Kevin Federline sold of his Playing with Fire, an album that perhaps nobody actually purchased.
18
Adding a Cute Kid: The Last Gasp of a Dying Sitcom
After all the stunt-casting cameos (look everyone it’s Cher and Gilligan from Gilligan’s Island) and all the “very special” episdoes (“I know the dog has cancer, b
ut as a family, we can help him pull through) sometimes the only remaining trick a sitcom with declining appeal can pull is the addition of a new, cute kid. Normally this happens on family shows which were built around the concept of the kids in the family being endearingly cute. Unfortunately, Hollywood is not legally allowed to stunt kids growth or give them drugs to keep them the same age (this law is unofficially known as “Emanuel Lewis’ Law” so invariably the kids on sitcoms get older.
Sometimes this works out as Alyssa Milano went from cute kid to super-hot in the blink of an eye and even the Olsen twins went from super-cute babies to cute teens, but usually it goes a lot more like it did for other kids on Who’s the Boss and Full House. As cute kids get older, nearly everyone, even those on hit TV shows tend to go through an awkward period. For some, this is a temporary thing, but for others (Leif Garrett comes to mind) it turns out that those good-looking early years were just a tease. That can be difficult for regular people, but when your awkward years plays out on national television, ratings tend to fall. People love to tune in to see what the cute kid with the lisp might say, they are less interested in watching the pimply kid with braces who still has a lisp.
Worst Ideas Ever Page 4