I walked to Damon’s office and knocked on the door. I was a little scared. So much had happened since the last time I’d seen him and told him I didn’t want a relationship.
“Come in,” Damon called out.
My heart expanded, making it hard to breathe. Damon sat behind his desk, his gaze hard. No matter how severe he looked, I still wanted him. My body reacted to thoughts of him holding me, kissing me, loving me. I shut the door and had to push at my cock to make it go down. Damon must have seen my move as his lips curved up in a sexy smile.
“Not this time, tiger, though I would like to do that.” Damon pointed at the chair across from him. “Please, take a seat.”
I sat down, feeling like I was in trouble. “What happened to Mary?”
Damon shrugged. “I fired her.”
“For what?”
“For trying to fire you,” Damon replied.
I laughed and shook my head. “I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.”
Damon sighed. “Oh, fine. Officially, I fired her for excessive swearing in the office, behaving unprofessionally, bullying other staff members, and making really bad coffee. Maybe not the last one.”
“She called me a faggot, too.”
Damon stopped writing and looked up. “She did?”
I nodded then shrugged.
“The fucking bitch. Are you okay? I know you had issues with…um, people hearing about your sexuality. That word is thrown around as an insult too often. The bright side for you is that you may be able to brush it off as nothing, that is, if you want to. I could even ask Bethanne to go on a date with you, or at least to kiss you in the middle of the office. You know, if you want things to return to normal.”
Was it that easy? Could the genie be put back inside the bottle once it had escaped? Did I want things to go back to normal? Normal fucking sucked. Normal was about self-loathing, lying, and doing everything I could to be invisible.
I pretended to consider it for a few seconds then I shook my head. “Thank you, but no. I don’t think I should be aiming at normal anymore. Normal hasn’t made me very happy so far.”
Damon’s smile warmed my body. Why had I told him I only wanted sex? Oh yeah, my dad had made it impossible for me to be myself. I was lost, and now I felt like maybe I’d found a little of myself somewhere between telling Grandad to put on his pants and finding out my mum was alive.
“You don’t know how good it feels for me to hear that. So, if you’re not aiming for normal anymore, what do you want?”
I stared into Damon’s beautiful blue eyes. My cheeks hurt from smiling so hard. One little weekend, two short days and it had all changed. Could I take a step towards being out?
“What I want…” I paused, making sure it really was what I wanted. “Um, what I want is you. If you’ll still have me. I’ve been a dick to you, and for that, I’m sorry. I don’t just want sex—even though sex with you is fucking fantastic, I want more. I’ve always wanted more, but I didn’t think I could. I want to hold hands with you, to kiss you, and to eat fancy pasta with you in overpriced, pretentious Italian restaurants.”
Damon tentatively reached across his desk and took my hand, moving his thumb in slow circles as he held onto me. He was my anchor in this storm.
“Are you certain? Are you sure that this is what you want? Because if we’re doing this, I want you to be in all the way. I don’t want you to turn around tomorrow and tell me you’re sorry. I can’t go back to being your dirty little secret again.”
My heart sped up. Was I ready for this? Could I commit to Damon openly and accept everything that came with it—the stares, the insults, the contempt from both strangers and my father alike. It seemed so unfair that I was presented with this conundrum just because I’d fallen in love with a man and not a woman.
My breath hitched. Was I in love? I really liked him, no question about that. We were growing closer, and I could see myself with Damon for a very long time.
My feelings for him weren’t the only issues. I had to deal with the reality that people would hate us because we were two men in a relationship. I would never think of approaching a heterosexual couple who were kissing or holding hands in the park and tell them that their heterosexuality disgusted me and would they please only show displays of affection for each other in the privacy of their own bedrooms. Yet many people felt fine about expressing their disgust towards gays for just being affectionate towards each other in public.
Being with Damon was potentially riskier than just continuing to be alone. I could deny who I really was and never go up against hate. On the other hand, I thought there might be a greater chance of developing full-on depression followed by suicidal tendencies if I did just carry on down the same isolated road I’d been traveling until this point in my life. I could see the self-hate I nursed turn into something more than a little destructive drinking. There had to be something more to life than what I had.
I knew what I wanted. There was no question now. I gently squeezed Damon’s hand, hoping I hadn’t decided too late.
“I’m sure. I want us to be a couple and not just a string of secret sex sessions in public toilets or work filing rooms.”
Damon’s smile widened and his gaze warmed.
My cheeks heated. “Although, that cubicle in the men’s toilet in G-A-Y will always be our special place.” I struggled to keep a straight face.
Damon started to laugh. “Oh fuck, I hope not. I think we can do better than that, though I did enjoy playing the demanding boss.”
Damon leaned across the desk and kissed me on the lips. I didn’t think about whether or not Damon’s office door was still open, it wasn’t, whether or not the curtains were drawn, they weren’t, or who might see us kissing. I just enjoyed the moment, the feel of Damon’s lovely lips against mine. It was a long, soft, loving kiss which left me breathless.
When Damon finished, he sat down in his chair and his expression grew serious. “I hope I don’t ruin the moment, but there is something else I wanted to talk to you about.”
I lifted my brows and nodded. “Sure, I have time. My boss ran out of the office a few minutes ago, so she won’t know.”
Damon rolled his eyes and laughed. “Well, as much as I’m enjoying this conversation so far…”
“Is this about me being fired—or almost fired?” I asked.
Damon nodded. “Yes, about that. Um…well…do you really want your job to be saved?”
I wasn’t sure I understood the question correctly. “What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I want it saved? I mean…I need the money.”
“Sure, um…money. But there are a lot less mind-numbingly dull ways to make money than this.” Damon spread his arms out wide, indicating the office as a whole.
“Well, what choice do I have? I don’t have a degree, and it’s not like I can afford to spend months searching for some perfect job that may not even exist.” Depression threatened again.
Damon shook his head and held my hand. “You don’t have to settle for this. You really don’t. Not if you’re serious about us being together. Please, let me do this. I can do this. Hell, some days I even enjoy doing this. But you don’t need to. Let me support you. Please, chase that perfect job, get that degree, whatever it is you want that you think will make you happy. That’s all I want…for you to be happy.”
The words were a shock. “I-I don’t understand.”
“I know it’s fast, but life comes at you fast. I’m a little older than you. You never know when life ends. I mean, not to drag you down, but really, we should grab the bull by the horns so to speak.”
The words caused me to chuckle as I thought of grabbing him by the horns at the club when I’d been fucking his face. “It’s—”
“Fast? I know. But I can’t just watch while you sit in your cubby hating your life.”
“Is it that obvious?”
He nodded and frowned. “Yes, it really is.”
“I don’t understand though. What do you mean?�
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“I have an extra room at my place. You can live there, rent free, while you try to figure things out.”
“You’d do that?”
“I see potential with you. Like I’ve said, I’m more experienced, and Ridley, I’ve never felt like I feel with you.”
“I’m…I don’t know.”
“Think about it. I tell you what, if you hate me, or this arrangement, I’ll find you somewhere to work. Just think on the offer.”
“I will, and thank you.”
I wasn’t sure quite what I wanted out of life, or what I wanted to be. I really had no clue how the arrangement Damon proposed would even work, but I felt excited by the possibility of being able to try for something better. Who knows? Maybe I’d paint or try to make my own music. There were so many possibilities open to me which had seemed too far out of reach previously.
“Okay, great. Before you go back to work, there was one other thing that I wanted to talk to you about,” Damon said.
I rolled my eyes and let out a huff, laughing as I winked at Damon. “Sure. I think I still have some more time in my busy schedule for you.”
Damon grew serious. His gaze fell to his desk where he tapped on a sheet of paper with a pen. “So, Mary told me you were using the office PCs to hook up with some woman online. Knowing what I know about you, that didn’t sound quite right to me. If I wanted to, I could just pull up the internet usage logs for your PC, but I’d prefer to just ask you. What were you looking for? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to but I’d like to help.”
If I was going to be with Damon, I didn’t think that starting out our relationship with secrets would set a very good precedent. I had to be honest with him, even if trusting people didn’t exactly come easily to me.
“I was searching for my mother.” The words hung heavy between us. I cleared my throat before continuing. “My dad always told me she’d died. Well, it turns out that she didn’t die, she just left him. He’s been lying to me all these years, and I just found out from my grandad this weekend. He—my grandad—doesn’t have a computer. I had to wait until today to start searching.”
Damon’s eyes were wide, his mouth hung open. He closed his mouth and shook his head before he spoke. “Holy fuck. Are you okay? And why were you at your grandad’s place? Where is your computer? You have one, right?”
I sighed and shook my head. It was all so complicated. I hadn’t told him what had happened. My trek to Manchester had been an embarrassing failure.
“My dad kicked me out after I—um raised objections about him trying to convince another gay dude he could pray away the gay. I’ve been staying at my grandad’s home for the past couple of nights. It’s been…okay. He’s a lot nicer than my dad, which I guess isn’t really saying much, but he is nice—my grandad. He told me about my mum, well everything he knew.”
“Oh. God.” Damon opened his mouth and closed it a few times. “So…I don’t even know where to start.”
I nodded. “It was a lot for me to take in.”
“Are you happy at your grandad’s place? I mean, I guess you could stay there and we—”
“He’s nice, but—”
“I want you to move in with me, if you want. But if you don’t, you don’t have to. I just…”
My heart was in my throat. “Are you sure? I mean I know you offered, but I don’t want to impose.”
He nodded, his lips stretching wide. “Yes, I want you to live at my place. I want you with me.”
I wasn’t sure if I’d ever felt this good. I wasn’t going to be stuck homeless, and Damon had offered to help me out until I got a degree. It was all too much. I stared at him, thinking I would owe him big time, even if he didn’t think I did.
“You’re offering a lot.”
“I want to.”
“Only if you’re sure.”
Damon’s smile was huge, his eyes bright with happiness. “I’m sure.”
“Wow. Thank you.”
The look on his face was lustful, and it made me squirm. “You can thank me later. But first, I’ve got to finish work. Can you meet me outside the office tonight? I want to have a meal with you, to celebrate…well, us.”
I nodded, knowing this was a huge step forward. I was done hiding who I was. “I want to celebrate us too. Though, can we have Chinese instead of Italian? I could murder a crispy duck.”
Damon chuckled, “That sounds great. I know just the place.”
Chapter Fourteen
We had a great dinner. It was nice, and no one cared that we sat at the same table. Of course, it wasn’t a stinky pub, this was a restaurant. We talked about work, but mostly about food we liked and places he’d visited. I hadn’t really traveled, but it was nice hearing about his trips. It gave me hope.
With dinner done, we started our walk to his place. I’d called grandad and told him I was staying with a friend. He said it was just as well since I made him wear pants.
On the way, Damon didn’t hold my hand. I appreciated him allowing me to step into this slowly. I wasn’t ready to confront my sexuality full on in public.
Once we stepped into his apartment, an awkward feeling twisted around me, making me doubt myself. Damon squeaked when he stepped into his den and began racing around the place, picking up clothes, a pair of his underwear that were tossed on the back of a chair, plates, and a couple of coffee mugs.
“Sorry, I didn’t expect, well I wasn’t expecting to have a boyfriend by tonight.”
I cringed. Maybe I shouldn’t have come over tonight. I could have stayed with Grandad. “Are you still okay with this?”
“I am. I’m very okay with it.”
“So…um…”
Damon lifted a hand. “I was thinking, maybe tonight we can kiss, maybe cuddle a little, but I don’t want you to feel pressure.”
“I understand.” I nodded then my brows pinched together. “I don’t understand.”
“I’m attracted to you, and I want you, but I want this to last more than a day, a week, or even a few months. Let’s slow down. I know we started with a bang, well, a blowjob, which was awesome—”
I nodded. “We did start fast.”
“So tonight, you can sleep in the extra room. There’s a futon in there, and we’ll go out on a date tomorrow and get to know each other.”
The worry I’d felt lessened. “I’d like that.”
“Good. Because, Ridley, I’m serious about you. I know you’re younger, and yeah, I was at the party and I did like that blowjob, but I want someone to be in my life full time. And you’re that someone. You okay with that?”
“Yeah, I am.” And I was. I wanted something more than just screwing around. Sure, Damon had been my first. I liked the idea of having only one man. I didn’t need a bunch of different guys to be fulfilled.
The memory of Brent touching me made me a little sick to my stomach. With everything else that had happened, I’d forgotten about it all. I felt the need to tell Damon.
“Um, so there’s something else.”
Damon’s brows pinched together and he frowned. “Okay, what is it?”
“The night my dad kicked me out—”
“Yeah?”
“I called someone—not a friend, an acquaintance. Well, I went there, to Manchester, and well—”
“Just say it.” Damon’s lips were thinned, annoyance evident.
“I was sleeping on his couch and woke up to him with my dick in his hands.”
“What?”
“I told him to stop. I mean, of course I was hard because someone was stroking me in my sleep—”
“Did he…uh, did—”
“No, he stopped. But he did kick me out. I had to sleep in the train station before heading to my grandad’s place once service started in the morning.”
Damon groaned. “I wish you’d called me.”
“But I’d told you that day I wasn’t interested in a relationship.”
He held out his hand and I reached out and took it. He
shook his head and then groaned.
“Promise me, from now on, you and me, we share stuff. If you’re in a bind, I want to help. Okay?”
I nodded and stepped closer to him. “I didn’t want him touching me.”
Damon tugged me to him and held me tight. I could tell he was angry, but he wasn’t angry at me. After a moment, he relaxed his hold, but didn’t stop touching me. We watched some tele and drank wine, which was very sweet, before he led me upstairs to the guest room. It felt weird not sleeping with him, and I told him so.
“Hey, we’ll have loads of time to be together. I just want you to know this is what you want before you move into my room, because once you’re in there, I won’t let you go without a fight.”
I chuckled and lifted on my toes and kissed him on the cheek. His gaze held mine before he turned and moved to his room. Part of me wanted to follow, but he was right, we needed time to get to know each other. Moving in was a big deal.
The next day I was let go from my job. It felt odd, bittersweet even. I’d never held another office job before. Sure, I’d delivered food, carted around papers, done some odd jobs for neighbors, but working at the bank had been my first real job. I was going to miss some aspects, but not much.
I wandered around Birmingham, people-watching the rest of the day away. Couples hugged and kissed—all of them straight couples of course. I didn’t see one gay couple at all. I bought a cup of tea and saw two guys sitting together at a table. They were obviously gay. One of them caught me staring and my cheeks went pink. He nodded before I could turn away.
Maybe things weren’t as bleak for gay couples as I’d feared. Perhaps there were pockets of acceptance and Damon and I could live in those pockets. I guessed that I’d find out for sure in time. No doubt I would have to deal with one or two morons, but it still felt good that I finally had somebody. I wasn’t alone anymore. But it wasn’t just not being alone, I had Damon. I really did like him.
I’d checked my phone a few times before going into the tea shop, and I checked it a few more times after, hoping there would be an alert on Facebook from my mother, or the woman who I suspected to be my mother. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a reply. I made up excuses, justifying why she hadn’t responded. It had only been one day. She may be working and unable to have her phone with her. What did she even do for a living? Maybe she worked nights and slept during the day. Or she wasn’t my mom and I’d never hear from her.
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