I was living with Damon, my mum was in my life, and I had a job, but who was I? That was the big question I’d left unanswered.
My dad had tried to shape me into who he wanted me to be, but his version of who I should be hadn’t fit. I mean, really, really, who was I? Like could I stand on my own two feet and be me? That’s what I needed to know and why I panicked.
I heard Damon call out when he’d come home, but I was on the floor in our bedroom, curled into a ball.
“Ridley, are you here?”
I wanted to tell him I was okay, that I was upstairs taking a few minutes to think, but it was more than me just thinking. This was me having a crisis.
“Ridley, I see your things, where are you?”
It was a good question. Where was I in all of this? I wanted to have it all figured out, but I didn’t. The bedroom door opened and Damon stepped in. He froze, his shoes unmoving. I couldn’t look up and see the expression on his face. A few breaths in and out passed before he took three giant steps and scooped me up. He didn’t ask any questions or tell me what to think. He just held me in our bed as I cried.
I drifted off, waking sometime close to ten. I found him in the kitchen working on his computer.
“Hey.” My voice cracked on the one word.
Damon pushed his chair back and patted his leg. I took a seat and leaned against his chest.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I just, I don’t really know who I am.”
“What do you mean?”
“What if I’m more like my dad than I think?”
Damon stroked his hand down my arm. “You’re a good person.”
“Am I?”
“You are. You want to know how I know you’re a good person?”
I nodded, unable to voice the words. So much had happened recently, I felt like I was racing at breakneck speeds.
“You haven’t gone back to blast your dad about your mum.”
“I’ve thought about it.”
“So have I, but you haven’t acted on it. You’re being nice. You haven’t tried to lash out at him.”
“Should I?”
“That’s a tough question.”
It was. Before everything that had happened, I never would have lashed out at my dad. I’d thought he’d sacrificed much for me. Now I knew he’d manipulated too much to believe. He’d lied about my mum and forced me to grow up without her. When I picked at that wound, it was still raw and bleeding. I could never get back those years with my mum. She’d had a career as a teacher, and now she was in porn. It took a lot to process. The only thing that helped was she seemed happy. She didn’t hate doing porn. Instead, she seemed to like her job. I’d yet to be on set when she was working because it seemed too weird. I was learning a lot about the artistic process of running a studio, so I wasn’t a Johnny on the spot while they were filming, which was fine with me.
“How about you eat a little dinner then I can show you the new soap I bought.”
I sat up and stared at Damon, wondering what he was talking about. “Soap?”
“Yes, it’s shaped like a penis. I want to rub it all over your body and see how dirty we can get.”
I chuckled and hopped off his lap. He knew how to make me feel better. I had deep feelings for him, but I was still struggling with the concept of love. I wasn’t going to tell him all that. I cared deeply, and it was obvious he cared for me. Maybe that was all love was. I didn’t have to answer those questions now. Right now, I just needed food.
Chapter Eighteen
It had been four months since I’d started working at the studios. My mum and I had grown closer. We’d had a couple of arguments, but what parent and child didn’t have a few. Overall, we were happy.
Damon and I had yet to fight. We had adjusted fairly well to living together. He was very kind—patient too. He didn’t mind me freaking out every few weeks. I felt like I’d made a mistake walking out on my dad, and leaving my job at the bank and working in the porn industry. He never yelled, even when I forgot to make dinner. Which I had improved my cooking. I’d even learned how to make curry.
One day as I was watching filming at the studio, which I still sometimes got turned on by, I had an epiphany. Before, I wasn’t sure if I was in love with Damon because I’d never understood what love was.
Anything my dad had shown me had been tainted. He may have said he loved me as a parent, but he didn’t know what love was. My mother hadn’t been around, so I hadn’t found what love was about from her. Grandad was kind, but my dad had pushed him away. The only person who had ever loved me without condition was Damon. Now that I felt unconditional love from mum, I understood what unconditional love from Damon was.
I went home that evening and held onto Damon like never before. After a long moment, he pushed me to arm’s length.
“What’s up?”
“Before, when we first got together, I didn’t know what love was. I felt things for you, but love was such a foreign concept. Now, after I’ve met my mum, watched so much porn it’s ridiculous, and been away from my dad, I understand love.”
“What do you understand about love?”
“It’s unique.”
He nodded. “It is.”
“And it’s special.”
“True, love is special.”
I kissed Damon’s chin. “I don’t just lust after you, I want you to be happy. I want you to experience good things in life. I want you to be fulfilled. That’s love to me.”
“That does sound like love.”
“Also, when I see you, my heart beats faster, and I can’t wait to hold you tight. I want to spend my time with you. And when you touch me, it drives me crazy.”
Damon nodded. “I think you understand love. It took me a long time. I didn’t get what love really was until recently.”
“How recently?”
“Before you, I knew what love wasn’t.”
“How about now?”
“Now I know what love really is.”
“You’re so sweet.”
“Nowhere near as sweet as you.”
“I do understand love enough to say without any hesitation, I love you.”
Damon’s smile broadened and his eyes lit up. “And I love you. Forever, Ridley, I’ll love you forever.”
I melted against him, knowing we would have years to make love. All I wanted to do was hold him close as he held me. We may not have started with a traditional relationship, what with him giving me head in the gents’, but we had grown to be a strong couple with love for each other.
Finally, after years of searching and thinking I’d never find it, I was happily myself, without any hesitation. Damon surprised me by picking me up and carrying me to our room where he stripped me bare and showed me how much he loved me.
The black limousine pulled up to Priory Hall in Dudley. It was a beautiful Victorian manor house, which for the past one hundred years had been used as a registry office.
The car door on the right-hand side was opened by the driver dressed in a black suit. He doffed his head as we climbed out of the back seat like we were something. We weren’t, but it was nice to pretend.
Damon had chosen the immaculately tailored black designer suits, with matching red ties. I liked how he treated me to special things, like today. This was him treating me to something he said I deserved.
As we entered Priory Hall arm in arm, we headed into the Priory Suite. Harp music began to play. All eyes turned to look at us as we walked down the aisle. There were a lot of smiling faces. Most importantly Grandad and me mum were there, sitting side by side. It was weird, they were living together. Not in that way. He was old and didn’t wear his pants half the time, but mum didn’t seem to mind. Grandad needed someone to care for him, and mum needed to care for someone. The weird part was George, Grandad’s son, and mum’s ex wasn’t in the picture at all. It was like he didn’t exist though we all three had ties to him.
I saw Bethanne and a few of Damon’s other wor
k colleagues, Ben, and a number of other friends I’d made since joining the studio. There were also some mutual friends we’d made together, some from the gay pub and club scene in the Midlands. It was funny, at least once a month I’d meet up with Damon at a gay bar and have a go at it in the gents’. I still liked to be sucked in public bathrooms even though we lived alone and could suck each other all day long. But we’d met some great friends at the gay bars, and yes, sometimes we’d let them watch, but we never let them touch. That was for us only.
A year ago, I’d felt friendless. I’d had also loathed myself and my life. I hadn’t known about my mum or the truth. Now I knew, and I was much happier. I was in a room surrounded by friends who were happy to be here to celebrate my marriage to one very special man.
I had plenty of faults and Damon was no saint either. But Damon was a very supportive and loving man. And an amazing lover, and he seemed very happy with me, too. Although I still had some low self-esteem issues and didn’t always get exactly what Damon saw in me, I was very pleased Damon could see a lot to like.
I turned and faced Damon as the ceremony began. I had no doubt this was the right thing to do or that Damon was the right man for me.
Damon smiled back at me, his eyes sparkling with merriment. I’d never felt happier. To be here with this funny, intelligent, beautiful man who loved me dearly was all I could have ever wished for. Who knew that heading to Manchester for one night of fun would have led to me uncovering so much about myself, my past, and my future.
The End
About the Author
Peyton Miller loves romance and writing. Peyton spends her days at the evil day job, but sometimes gets to spend the weekends reading.
For more information
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Also by Peyton Miller
After The Snap
Walking Away
Ridley Uncovered Page 14