by M Sawyer
She met Drew in the lobby. He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tighter than he ever had before.
“What happened?” he asked.
The tears spilled over. Nolin told him what happened, that Melissa had slipped and was a broken pile of bones in a hospital bed, that she’d found her reading her journal, and that it was an accident. She hadn’t meant to hurt her. Nolin told him about the blood on the tile and the stitches in Melissa’s head. Words spilled from her like her tears; she couldn’t have stopped if she wanted to.
“It’s my fault.” Nolin finished. A wet spot bloomed on his tee shirt from her tears.
“This was an accident,” Drew said, his voice low and steady. She pressed her ear to his chest, and his voice rumbled inside. “It’s not your fault. That’s a dangerous track you’re on; get off it now.”
“If I hadn’t been looking through her stuff, she wouldn’t have come at me and this wouldn’t have happened,” Nolin said. “And now she’s got this on top of everything, and it’s because of me. She might not even heal properly because her body can barely function. She might have a cane for the rest of her life if she ever gets out of here.”
Drew brought a hand to her face and twined his finger through her hair. She felt him kiss the top of her head. “Come on,” he said. “I think you need to get out of here.”
Chapter 38
NOLIN DIDN’T THINK it was possible for that house to be more uncomfortable, more hollow than it already was. Without the ever-present shadow of Melissa, the beating heart of that house, it stood silent and empty, like a vacated battlefield after the carnage is over and all that remains are the dead bodies and crows, the echoes of gunfire and cannon blasts.
Nolin paced, just like she’d watched Melissa do when she was very young. Some of her earliest memories were of watching Melissa cross the room again and again. Melissa would drift from room to room, sometimes talking to herself very softly, looking out the window, making nervous gestures. Nolin had never understood; Melissa was looking for a place for her mind to crash. She was a mess of dangerous, runaway thoughts that wouldn’t stop for anything except a head-on collision.
Drew waited patiently on the couch, watching Nolin without saying a word, his hands in his lap. Nolin wasn’t sure how long she paced. She didn’t know what else to do.
For once, she didn’t want to be alone.
She was sick of the house, full of secrets and memories and layers upon layers of bitterness like dust sticking to the shelves. Everywhere she looked, a memory. A scolding, a worry, a tear. She couldn’t be alone here.
Finally, she sat next to Drew and pulled her knees to her chest, tucking her arms in front of her to be as small as possible.
“I don’t know what to do,” she whispered.
“Why do you have to do anything?”
“It’s my fault. I came back here to help her, and I hurt her.”
“Nolin, you don’t have to take care of everyone. It’s not your job.”
“It’s my fault,” Nolin protested, her voice a low hiss. “I’m the reason she’s like this in the first place. It’s always been my fault.” She gulped and yet another tear dripped off her chin. “She’d probably be fine if it weren’t for me.”
“You can’t know that,” Drew said quietly. “And you can’t know why she’s sick. It has nothing to do with you or anything you did.”
A hot tear rolled down Nolin’s cheek. She immediately swiped it away.
“Nolin...” Drew started, his head cocked to one side while he searched for words. “Look at me.”
She turned to face him. She’d never seen him look so serious, without a trace of a smile, no twinkle in his eyes. He didn’t blink.
“You don’t owe anyone anything,” he said. “You have a right to be happy, no matter what she’s going through. None of this is about you.”
Nolin let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding and rested her forehead on her knees. She wanted to believe it, that her happiness was somehow separate from Melissa’s. Protests flew through her brain so quickly she couldn’t have articulated any of them. At her core she knew: this was her fault.
“You don’t believe me, do you?” Drew said.
“I want to.” Nolin clamped a hand over her mouth to suppress a sob. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m being an idiot.”
“Nolin, I have five sisters. I’ve seen girls cry over lost earrings and shit like that. You have nothing to be sorry for.”
An odd sound burst from Nolin, a sharp laugh mingled with a sob. She wiped her eyes. Drew watched her patiently, leaning forward on his elbows.
She wanted to ask something. She was afraid, but she asked anyway.
“Will you stay with me tonight?”
Her toes curled. Though something inside her recoiled with embarrassment, she couldn’t be alone in this house. If he said no, she’d drive her car somewhere and sleep in the front seat. She stole a glance at his face. He looked calm, with the ghost of a smile on his lips.
“Okay.”
They could have slept on the living room couches, but they’d wake up with their backs full of knots. Most of all, Nolin wanted to be close to someone, close as she could possibly get. Maybe then, she wouldn’t feel alone.
So they moved upstairs to Nolin’s room.
Nolin scooted to the wall to make room for Drew on her narrow twin bed, lifting the blanket for him to slip under. The mattress creaked as he climbed onto the bed beside her. He stretched his legs out. His feet hung off the end.
“This is just like my bed at my parents’ house,” he chuckled. “I feel right at home.”
They settled, facing each other. “You probably think I’m ridiculous,” Nolin said.
“Not at all.”
The corners of his mouth lifted into a small, encouraging smile that Nolin tried to return. She didn’t feel it. At least she didn’t feel alone. She knew he didn’t fully understand—how could he—but at least he cared. That was more than enough.
And he was warm. Nolin wiggled her feet out from under the blanket until she felt cool air. She brushed her toes against his legs.
“Sorry if I talk in my sleep,” he said. “My brothers tell me I mumble a lot, or that I dream about meeting Eddie Van Halen and stuff. I giggle. So...I pre-apologize if I wake you up.”
“I’ll be fine,” Nolin said. “I don’t sleep much anyway.”
“How come?”
“I have dreams,” she said simply.
“About what?”
“The woods.”
“Oh. I do too, sometimes.”
Nolin didn’t expect that. Suddenly, she was wide awake. “Really? You do? These woods?”
“Sure,” Drew said, shrugging. It was a strange motion for someone who was lying down. Only one shoulder seemed to jump towards his ear. “They don’t bother me, though. I just figure my subconscious wants to go for a walk or something.” He smiled. His arm draped over her waist. “Do those dreams scare you?”
“Sometimes,” Nolin admitted. “Mostly they just make me...uncomfortable, I guess. I feel like I might find out something I don’t want to know.”
“Something you don’t want to know,” Drew repeated. “So you aren’t being chased by bears or something in your dreams? Because other than that, I’m pretty sure there’s nothing in those woods that can hurt you.”
Nolin’s thoughts strayed to a dim memory of a dark-haired figure crouching above her under the Claw Tree.
“I’m not sure what’s in there,” she said.
“Then why do you need to be afraid of it? Is it scary just because you don’t know what it is?”
Nolin paused, her fingers fiddling with the edge of the blanket.
“That’s a good point,” she said.
Drew reached up to brush her hair off her face, smoothing it back from her forehead. “Everything is fine. Just try to get some sleep, okay?”
Nolin nodded. Drew slipped his arm back around her waist and closed his eyes
. Soon, his breathing grew slow and even. Nolin settled closer to him, with her cheek pressed into his chest. Even in his sleep his arm tightened around her. The trees rustled and moved outside, swishing their leaves in the wind. Bright moonlight streamed into the room, bathing everything in a silver glow.
She finally closed her eyes and listened to Drew’s heart beating through his tee shirt, in time with her own. It was warm with him under the blankets. Comfortable. Drew giggled softly in his sleep. Nolin smiled. The rhythm of their pulse was steady in her veins.
***
The Shadow had fallen asleep with the tips of the thin branches still entwined in her fingers. She’d been dreaming she was in the arms of a man, in a tiny bed, in a room she recognized. Then she jerked awake.
The dream wasn’t her own. It was Nolin’s.
The Shadow sat up under the tree, and the piled-up leaves around her rustled. The light of the full moon poured into her den beneath the trunk of the Claw Tree and illuminated the woods around her. The fog cleared from her mind and a thought emerged: I want to see them.
She scrambled out of her den and shot off into the trees.
***
When she awoke, Nolin’s fingers were entwined in Drew’s tee shirt. Her forehead pressed into his chest. Her tank top had ridden up to her ribs somehow, and Drew’s arm was draped across her bare stomach. His skin was warm; Nolin was slightly sticky with sweat, and her head felt heavy. She was sure she’d only been asleep for a few hours, but she couldn’t remember the last time she’d slept so deeply.
Drew was dead to the world. His chest rose and fell against her cheek, steady as the tide until he giggled again and shifted.
“Thank you, Mr. Van Halen, it’s an honor...”
Nolin smiled. Pushing her feet against the mattress, she lifted her hips to ease herself onto her back. Her eyes fluttered open and focused on the window.
Someone was staring back at her, pale, with wild hair and dark eyes that widened before the face disappeared.
Nolin bolted upright. She’d seen it. The one in the woods was real. It was only there for a moment, but it was real.
She leapt off the bed.
“Nolin, what’s going on?” Drew mumbled sleepily. Not pausing to answer, Nolin ripped into the hallway, down the stairs, and out the back door.
The damp grass was cold on her bare feet. She ran faster than she’d ever run in her life. Ahead of her, a figure vanished into the trees, dark hair whipping behind it.
“Nolin!” Drew shouted somewhere behind her.
Nolin didn’t stop. Her eyes fixed on the spot where the figure had disappeared, and she pumped her legs even faster, her feet pounding the ground so hard that they felt numb.
“Nolin, wait!” He sounded like he was getting farther away. Nolin didn’t pause to check.
Finally, she reached the edge of the woods and plunged into them, leaping through the undergrowth and darting between the trees like she’d been running through them all her life. She thought she saw a pale flash of a body ahead of her.
Nolin leapt over a fallen log, but her foot caught the edge of the rotting bark and she fell forward, catching herself on her hands and knees in the dense cover of the forest floor. Her legs and lungs screamed. She lifted her head and squinted into the trees.
She’d lost her. Whatever she’d seen was gone.
Nolin stayed on her hands and knees, breathing deeply to slow her pounding heart until she heard Drew behind her.
“Nolin!” he panted. His shoes appeared in Nolin’s peripheral vision. He crouched by her side, and she felt his hand on her shoulder. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
Nolin breathed heavily, debating whether to tell him everything, something, or nothing at all.
“I...” she wheezed. “I thought I saw something. In the window. And then it ran into the trees.”
“So you ran after it? What were you thinking?”
“I don’t...” she coughed. Her lungs felt like dried-out sponges. “I don’t know.”
“I don’t know how you saw anything,” he said, still catching his breath. “I can’t see a damn thing out here.”
“Really?” Nolin looked around. She could see perfectly. It was night, of course, but everything around her was clear. She looked up at the moon that seemed to illuminate everything around her, expecting it to be full and wide, but it was a waning sliver. A slim crescent in the dark sky.
“You really can’t see?” Nolin asked warily.
“I can barely see you,” Drew said.
Can I see in the dark?
Finally, she sat back on her heels and looked into the trees. They waved their leaves gently. Stars twinkled innocently above the canopy.
“I think you are really, really stressed about your mom,” Drew finally said. “Come back to bed; come on.”
He helped her to her feet.
“You don’t have shoes...” he said.
“I’m fine,” she croaked. Her feet were numb. Drew wrapped his arm around her shoulders, then looked at her and paused.
“What?” Nolin said.
“I just…it looked like your eyes were glowing for a second there. Like a cat’s.”
“My eyes glow?” Nolin asked.
“Well...I think I’m just tired. Come on.”
Drew walked her back through the woods to the house. Just before they stepped out of the trees, the canopy hissed in a breeze that grew stronger, pressing against their backs, pushing them out of the forest. Nolin turned to look back into the woods and thought she heard a light, lilting laugh carried on the wind.
Chapter 39
NOLIN WAS ALREADY awake when Drew started to stir. They laid twined together as the sun rose, past the time when they’d usually be out for a run. Nolin didn’t want to leave the bed. More than anything she wished to stay where she was, fall into the blissful blankness of sleep, and forget everything about her life that shouldn’t have been her life at all.
Drew pressed his lips to the back of Nolin’s shoulder. She felt his warm breath on her neck.
“I have to go to work soon,” he said quietly, pulling her closer. “I’m worried about you.”
Nolin didn’t say anything.
“What happened last night?”
“I just… I thought I saw something outside.”
Drew sighed. “Nolin, if you see something creeping around outside, you call the police. Or animal control, or the ghostbusters, whoever. You don’t chase it down.”
Nolin snuggled farther down into the covers, pulling the blanket up to her chin. “I wasn’t thinking.”
“You’re under a lot of stress.”
“You don’t know the half of it,” Nolin said groggily. “She started getting sick when I was born. She didn’t want me. She still doesn’t. I’m not even sure she’s my real mother anymore.” Nolin sucked in a breath through her teeth. She couldn’t believe what she’d just said. She braced herself for his reaction.
Drew paused. “You...you think you’re adopted?”
“Something like that. Worse, actually. I think...I think I might have been switched for her real baby.”
Drew’s arm stiffened around her waist. “Like, in the hospital? Some nurse screwed up or something?” His voice grew louder in her ear, the sleepiness gone. Nolin decided that was enough. No more.
“More or less. It’s a long story, but I have...reason to believe that.”
Nolin felt him shake his head. “Damn,” he sighed. “But you know, even if that’s true it’s not your fault. You were a baby, for god’s sake. It’s not like you could crawl around and trade yourself for some other kid.”
A smile flickered across Nolin’s face. In her heart, she knew he was right, but it didn’t change the fact that a wrong needed to be made right, and it was her responsibility to do it.
“Should I call in sick?” he asked. “I feel bad about leaving you alone with all this.”
Nolin shook her head. “No. I’ll be okay.”
They lay
in silence for several minutes before Drew finally pushed himself up and slid off the end of the bed. He pulled on his jeans and stepped into his shoes while Nolin watched, still wrapped in the blankets.
He didn’t know what she was. He had no idea.
Would she ever be able to tell him?
Drew knelt to tie his shoes and looked up at her. His usually sparkling blue eyes looked tired, with light shadows beneath them. Nolin could only imagine how tired she looked.
“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” he asked.
Nolin nodded, the scratchy sheet rustling against her ear.
Drew didn’t look convinced, but he pulled his baseball cap over his head and stood up.
“Call me or text me if you need anything,” he said. “Meet me for lunch? For reals this time?”
Nolin nodded again, looking at his chest instead of his eyes. Drew made a funny jerking movement, as if he wasn’t sure whether to walk out of the room or move toward her, but then he took a step forward and crouched beside the bed. He brushed her hair off her face and kissed her forehead. Nolin shut her eyes, resisting the urge to grab his arm and pull him back into the bed so she could curl around him and pretend that nothing existed outside that room.
“I’m okay,” she insisted.
Drew nodded, but his eyes were still clouded. For once, the corners of his mouth weren’t curved upward in their perpetual smile.
“I’ll text you in an hour,” he said, then kissed her forehead again and walked out of the room.
Nolin listened to his footsteps down the stairs, through the kitchen, and then heard the front door open and close. The stark silence rang in her ears.
Her stiff muscles and joints screamed as she pushed herself off the bed. As she dressed, her bones cracked in protest. Her eyes felt dry and chapped. Though she’d slept a few hours that night, never before had she experienced such exhaustion. The heavy fatigue cut through to her bones.
What should she do now?
She knew she’d seen a face in the window, seen someone running into the woods, and heard the softest laughter drifting out from the trees. She’d seen her.
Nolin couldn’t decide if she felt angry, violated, or afraid. Did she have a right to feel any of those things? Did she have a right to anything in her life? After all, she, Nolin, was the interloper. The imposter. The girl in the woods, the shadow who’d always lurked at the edges of her life, was the real Nolin.