by M. Merin
“I was arrested a couple times when I was a kid, destruction of property type shit. I left home after my grandfather had a stroke and just kinda drifted until I ended up with a different chapter of the Northern Grizzlies. I came out here for a job and transferred here right afterwards.
“Kind of a loner, I guess. Compared to the other guys. I stay out here most nights. You know who Gunner is, right? Big guy?” He continues after I nod, watching me closely as I rinse out the pump and put it away. “I wasn’t around most of last year but after I got back, I started working for him.”
“When do you want to come meet…”
“Now?” Shade interrupts me and I laugh at his enthusiasm. “You know, I had thought this day would go totally different…”
“Disappointed?” I quickly ask.
“I want you, Rosy. So. Fucking. Bad,” he kisses me again and again. The kind of kisses that definitely set expectations. “Don’t doubt that. But I want to see him.”
“You were right that night, Shade,” I smile up at him. “I’m the kind of girl who likes to kiss a lot.”
“I’m working on that,” he whispers against my lips before he takes possession of them. Long moments later, we break apart to catch our breath and I lean over to nip at his neck.
“I haven’t been with anyone since you, Shade,” I confess and can immediately see his eyes harden. “I want you but I need to figure out things with our boy and to be honest, my body still feels a little alien to me right now.”
“I think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known, Rosy. I’ll show you that when you let me love up on you again.” He pauses but grips me tighter. “I got shitfaced and fucked someone in a bar, Jessa. Just the once since I met you, but…”
“We weren’t an item, Shade. You don’t have to…”
“I know. I know that! But you were all I could think about and I thought it would, I don’t know… That your memory would start to fade? You just, GODDAMN but it was like you were always with me,” he flounders, rubbing at the tattoo on his hand as he tries to explain. I understand that much. I lived it in my own, distinct, way. “You have no idea how much I regret doing that, how sick it made me inside. I know, you’re right, and we weren’t ever a thing but somehow it was like we were.”
I barely know him well enough to trust him but his words continue to give me the hope I need right now. The hope that what I felt for him that night wasn’t one-sided. It had never once crossed my mind that he wouldn’t still be having one night stands, so his confession thrills me. It’s hard for me to doubt the sincerity I see in his eyes and the tone of his voice.
Leaving his home, he follows me to my aunt’s house where I immediately head inside to pay the babysitter. She’s a teenager from down the block and looks at Shade in awe before running out the door.
Putting my breast milk in the fridge, I take his hand to lead him upstairs. He tugs me back to take his boots off before we head onto the carpet, then he quickly follows me. Our tiptoeing was in vain, Danny is lying happily under his mobile, waving his hands.
Shade is instantly transfixed by his son and a moan leaves him as Danny’s green eyes lock with his identical eyes. He reaches carefully over and draws his finger along Danny’s foot; getting a gurgle and spit bubble for his efforts.
“Was that a laugh?” Shade turns to me. “He likes that!?”
When he sees the tears in my eyes, he immediately gathers me in his arms. “None of that, Rosy,” he smiles down on me. “You did good, pretty momma!”
“Me?” I wipe at my nose. “He’s all you!”
“Sweet Jesus, Jessa. Look what you made for me? He’s perfect, isn’t he?” Shade gently kisses me again. “Other than looking like his old man.”
“I like the way you look,” I lean in to kiss him between his collarbones.
“Could I hold him? What do you think?” He asks eagerly. Smiling, I ask him to go wash his hands and move to check Danny’s diaper. I’m nearly done changing that when he comes back in with his hands held in the air like a doctor going into surgery.
“Sit over there. I’ll bring him to you,” I direct him to the rocking chair.
“I need to learn how to do that,” Shade says, indicating the diapers.
“First things first. Hold your arms like mine. You have to support his head and neck because he can’t yet.” I lower Danny down to his arms and coo at them both, stepping back I snap a picture of them together. “I’ll get that printed for you, if you’d like. I’m actually keeping a real album…”
“Jessa!” My aunt calls from the doorway, giving Shade the stink eye. “Can we talk a moment?”
“I’ll be right back, I’ll hear him if he cries,” I assure Shade and follow her down the hall to her room.
“What is he doing here?” she asks, closing her bedroom door behind her.
“Meeting his son. He wants to be involved with him.”
“Aren’t you rushing into this?” Ellie wrings her hands together in a gesture that reminds me of my mother.
“If there’s something awful that you know, like he has six wives or murdered six wives, tell me now and get it over with. Otherwise, we’re going to work on him getting to know Danny and decide on what we are.”
“No, as far as Roy and I know, he’s never hurt a woman or been serious about one.” She sighs. “But that doesn’t mean you’re compatible.”
“I love you but I want to see what this is; and if nothing else, if he’s consistent with Danny, I won’t block their relationship.” A knock sounds on the door.
“Sorry. I know you’re arguing about me in there but I think Danny took a dump and I don’t know what to do?” The man in question calls through the door.
“Time to learn, Shade,” Ellie gives her two cents while picking up her cell phone and opening her door.
I guide Shade back to Danny’s room and give him his first hands-on diaper experience. That may have been a bit more than he bargained for, but he stuck with it. Standing back, next he watches as I feed his son. His face switching between awe and lust. He mutters, “Definitely my boy,” more than once.
“Can you give me a minute?” I ask, getting shy again once I’ve put Danny back down.
“What do you need?” He whispers, moving to hold me.
“Nothing, I just have to put cream on otherwise I get chapped,” Shade looks confused for a moment before his eyes flick down to my breasts, catching on to what I mean.
“Let me, Rosy. Please?”
My jaw drops and I start to say ‘no’ but the longing I see in his face seems to have direct connection to my body, all the muscles in my lower abdomen tighten in response. Grabbing the cream, I lead him to my room and take a deep breath before I remove my shirt and bra and turn to face him. My breasts are not what they were a year ago; hell, neither are my hips nor my stomach but I’m working on that.
My nerves kick it up a notch as I watch him spread the cream onto his fingers before moving behind me. Reaching his arms around to cup me with his calloused hands, he nuzzles my neck and massages the cream into my nipples. The whole while, he tells me everything he noticed about Danny and how watching me feed his son made him feel jealous and whole at the same time.
When the cream has finally started to soak into my skin, Shade slides one hand down. Unsnapping my jeans, he holds me tighter against his chest when I pull against him.
“Shhh, Jessa. Just this,” he murmurs into my ear as he starts to manipulate my clit. “Nothing else today, just let me make you feel good. I want to make you come hard on my fingers. Drench them like you drenched my cock all those months ago.”
He holds me up, one arm around my ribcage while he continues to whisper how much he wants me. I’m not sure if it’s the movement of his forefinger or the string of dirty phrases that seem to be a part of how he typically speaks but before long, I turn my head and sink my teeth into his shoulder not wanting anyone to hear me scream the roof down.
After he licks my cream from h
is fingers, Shade tucks me into bed and helps me set my alarm for work. “Can I come here for lunch tomorrow?” he asks and I nod in response, unable to form words.
“I want to hold our boy again, Jessa,” he grins down at me. “I want to do more than hold you again, when you’re ready.”
Leaning up as he walks towards my bedroom door, I call out to him, “Shade?” He stops and looks back at me. “Think about this long and hard. You can’t be in and out of his life. And I couldn’t take you doing that to me, either. I want to try this but I don’t have years to figure it out anymore.”
“I hear you, Rosy. I’m not walking away from my boy and I’d be fucking insane to walk away from you twice,” his eyes sweep my body again before he adds, “I’ll earn your trust, just give me a little time.”
“Not too long,” I smile as I lay back down.
Shade
Heading downstairs, Roy and Ellie are in the kitchen so I pull a chair away from the table to put my boots back on.
“We haven’t really met,” I look at Jessa’s aunt. “Shade Hall.”
“Your last name is Hall?!” She asks, looking startled.
Roy grunts in response.
“Didn’t remember that. Guess the boy’s got your last name, at least,” his comment makes me stop to realize that my name isn’t on the birth certificate. I’ve never told Jessa my surname and will have to rectify that.
“Yeah, well, see ya soon,” I add as I head out.
Getting to the clubhouse, I immediately track down Wrench.
“Got a couple minutes?”
He nods in response to my greeting and after grabbing a couple beers, we head over to a booth. I’m halfway through my drink before I can form the words, “I have a kid.”
“You happy about that?” Wrench asks after taking a few beats to digest the news. That’s the most important question right now and a smile slowly spreads across my face.
“Yeah, y’know, I think I really am,” I down the rest of the beer and wave at one of the Girlies for another round. “His name’s Danny…” I recite everything I learned about him today until we’re joined by Russian.
“Man, Wrench, did your Ol’ Lady burst into tears constantly every time she was pregnant? I can’t take this and if I fucking hear happy tears one more time I’ll…” he shakes his head instead of finishing his thought and I get quiet again, wondering how my Rosy’s pregnancy went. “I need Betsy to be alright. Shit, especially after last time, but the tears are fucking twisting me all up. What can I do to stop these goddamn happy tears?”
“How come I’m suddenly the motherfucking authority on pregnancies and kids?” Wrench sits back, giving us both his wide, shit-eating grin. He holds out his hand and starts to count off his fingers, “You know who else has three kids? Jasper does. Hawk does. Flint does. You dicks don’t come to talk to me about bikes or sports…noooo, it’s always baby shit with all you guys. I mean, at least ask me about my Pistons from time to time. I didn’t surrender my fucking man-card when I learned to braid Marina’s hair!”
Russian gives me a bemused look as Wrench downs his beer and continues, throwing a thumb in my direction. “This motherfucker just found out he’s a father.”
I grab my phone to open the pics, smiling at Russian like an idiot.
“Found my girl, Rosy. Turns out she lives here and this stubborn little guy,” I slide the phone across to show them the picture of me holding my mini-me. “Well, nearly a year ago, he ripped his way through my condom and survived a Plan B pill, so I’m pretty fucking sure nothing’ll ever stand in his way.”
“You look happy,” Russian comments, studying me with his solemn eyes. “Fuck man, congrats.”
“And all bragging on a little guy you just met,” Wrench chimes in.
Grinning back at them instead of responding, we all finish our beers and we’re soon joined by Amy and Betsy, who thoughtfully bring more. The Ol’ Ladies quickly spread my news around and we move up to join the impromptu party at the bar before I even remember what I wanted to ask Wrench.
“I need to get on Danny’s birth certificate. Can you work your magic for me, Brother?”
“I’ll download the forms for you,” he responds slowly. “Something like this? You got to play it straight, Shade. If you do this, you gotta know she can get you for child support until he’s eighteen, right?”
“Tomorrow, then. And can you give me an idea of what she might be out?” I ask, barely paying attention to the slaps on the back from different Brothers. “You know, like expenses through the pregnancy? She’s a clerk or a dispatcher at the police station so I want to pay her back.”
“Son of a Bitch!” Wrench hisses. “Is this Ellie’s niece you’re talking about?” When I tilt my head at him without replying, he scans the room as though looking for someone. “Shit, Amy’s going to flip – cause of her relationship with Michaels. She knows Ellie and has mentioned…her name ain’t Rosy, is it?” Wrench hesitates. “I know I’ve heard it before, but...”
“Her name’s Jessa. Rosy’s just a nickname I came up with when we met,” I grimace, starting to understand how awkward her nickname is.
“Does Roy know?” He asks next, exhaling when he doesn’t see him among the guys at the bar. “He’s talking about marrying Ellie and Amy told me he’s gotten close to the niece and her child also.”
“He does now. He was a dick about it,” I shrug, and neither of us acknowledge why nobody in the room would want their sister, niece, or daughter hooking up with the likes of me. “I met her on the road when she was moving here. Jessa didn’t know my last name or chapter and never said anything to Roy when she realized she was pregnant.”
“Shit, you better not go trying to fuck her in that house. He will slit your throat,” Wrench says with a big smile on his face before I give him a hard look.
“Gotta convince her to move out to my place, is all.” I shrug, getting a laugh from him before I finally turn back to the Brothers who are using the excuse of my fatherhood to get trashed. I stick to beer, especially after seeing the worried look on Wrench’s face a couple more times.
The weather has turned to shit while I’ve been inside, so I take one of the trucks when I head home. Skirting town and taking a back road out to my place, police lights suddenly shoot on behind me and I slowly move to the shoulder.
“Heard some bad fucking news since I saw you last night, Shade,” Sheriff Michaels announces, shining a light in my face. The rain beats down on us but he doesn’t seem to mind it.
“Gonna arrest me for it?” Probably not the best tact to take with him.
“Nah, gonna wait you out and put you away long enough that you’ll be a distant memory to her by the time you get out of the slammer,” he rests his palm on the roof and leans in, more water from the brim of his hat flowing onto me. “I ever think you were hurting that girl or her boy and they’ll never find your body, Shade. We clear?”
“Hundred percent, Sheriff. I’ll never hurt my girl or our boy,” my response earns me a darker glare. He holds it another moment before he walks back to his truck. “Drive safe, now,” I call out and he flips me off.
Laughing to myself, I continue home and immediately boot up my computer. I start looking up things we’ll need to get this place ready for Danny, and then, without thinking, I reach for my phone to text Vice. Fuck, still hard to think of him as gone. I correct myself and text Hawk instead, wanting to line up his team to finish the projects around here as soon as they have time.
The next morning, I’m at the superstore when it opens and after loading up on things Danny might need now and in the future, I get back home to baby proof the hell out of my house and start painting a room blue for him. I even bought extra supplies for Jessa’s aunt’s place. I need my Rosy to know how serious I am about us being a family.
Getting to their house before lunchtime, I start unloading the things I bought for my boy as well as some boxes to help Jessa pack.
“What is all this?” The look on
Jessa’s face freezes me in place.
“Gimma a kiss, then I’ll move it inside,” I reach for her but she steps back, shaking her head. “Things for you and Danny,” I answer her belatedly. “Let me get it inside, then I’ll put it where you want it.” I wink at her.
The sound of Danny fussing causes her to spin away from me and I frown, realizing she didn’t look happy about any of it. I get it all into the living room before I start upstairs with the diapers and wipes. Jessa is snapping up his outfit as I enter the room.
“Let’s go downstairs to talk, Shade,” she says softly and I can feel acid seeping into my stomach.
“What’s wrong, Rosy?” I ask as she settles our boy on a blanket that’s laid out with some arched-toy-thing hanging over his head. Fuck. I saw those things at the store but didn’t buy any.
Jessa
At the end of my shift, the Sheriff sat me down. Ellie had let him know what was going on with Shade suddenly in the picture. And although Michaels had expressed ‘concern’ over Shade’s visit the previous night, he upped his lecture about the type of person I was inviting into my life.
And no, as an adult, Shade had never had any charges pressed against him, but he was a person of interest in several crimes. Namely: grisly murders. My giggling at the play on word of grisly did not help the situation so Michaels threw some pictures in front of me. I couldn’t laugh after that.
Nor did the fact that I could tell how seriously Michaels is worried about my safety. As I try to collect my thoughts, I see Shade opening a package of outlet covers and eyeballing the electrical outlets in the room around us.
“He can’t even roll over yet, Shade,” a tiny smile pulls at my lip. I don’t know how to balance the grim warnings versus a man who buys outlet covers for my aunt’s home. “I think he’s safe from electrocution for the time being.”
Shade sighs and comes to sit on the rug beside us. “I want to help you, Jessa. I got all this stuff, for now, and when he gets bigger. I want to repay you for your expenses when you were pregnant, too.” He looks so sincere that my resolve melts. Well, maybe it’s his sincerity or maybe it’s the puppy dog eyes he’s giving me. Hard call.