by Holt, Mina
She looked pointedly at Auntie G. I pulled away from the door, but obviously Auntie G clued into what was going on, at least the gist of it, because she slammed the door against Jenny’s foot as hard as she could.
“I suggest you get the fuck off my property,” Auntie G told Jenny, “Next time I find you here, I’m calling the cops. Understand?”
“Auntie G, how could you? I’m like part of your family,” Jenny wailed.
“That’s what makes this betrayal even worse, that you would use your jealousy to destroy the first thing that Sarai has ever had just for herself. You’ve spent years with her, parading your men in front of her, using her as your captive audience to feed your ego. Well, never again, missy, if I see your face again, you’d better hope I do call the cops before I bust your head in. Now get off my porch!”
I was stunned, I couldn’t remember a time I’d ever seen Auntie G that angry. She slammed the door and turned to me, there was still a fire in her eyes. I started to cry, fat tears streaming down my cheeks, my nose instantly clogging and my hair falling in my face.
“Come on dear,” she said, “we’re going to get through this. When you’re ready, tell me what she did, but until then I’m here for you.”
We finished the tea and I ate too many cookies, but by the time I got into the shower and washed my tears away, I felt like life might be okay again, eventually.
***
Life might be okay eventually, but it wasn’t even remotely close to okay for the next few days. I unpublished the original blog post, I wanted to delete it but I’d hired somebody to hunt down the IP address of the person who wrote it. Unfortunately they hadn’t been able to find out much at all.
I stayed away from social media and all blogs and news sites, I just couldn’t take any news about Gavin.
I texted him a few more times until this morning when I’d finally gotten a reply. It wasn’t from Gavin though, it was from his sister Madeline. She’d written, if you continue to insist on harassing my brother, you will be hearing from our solicitors.
It felt like a punch to the stomach, his family threatening me with legal action. If only I could talk to him, convince him somehow that it had all been a horrible mistake, that it wasn’t me who revealed his most personal secret to the world.
If only I had one more chance.
I was stupid, I broke my own rule and searched his name on my laptop. I’d removed Jenny’s permissions from my website and blog, and erased every trace of her from there.
Sitting cross legged on my bed, the compulsion hit me. I had to see him, to know he was still out there somewhere. I wondered if he’d gone into hiding or was grieving.
The first article that popped up was on TMZ. The headline declared, “Model Gavin James recovers from blog betrayal.” I clicked the link and it took me to a photo with Gavin strolling down some unknown street in Paris. He wasn’t alone, there was some exquisite, lithe blonde model on his arm. They were laughing, they were happy, he was happy.
Just days after he’d kicked me from his life, he’d moved on.
I read a little more, including the official word from the family’s representative confirming that he’d been adopted. They made me look like the asshole, blaming me for using Gavin to dig for information in order to get traffic to my little book blog.
They said they were considering legal action, but wouldn’t push it if I complied with their demands to remove the post and cut off all contact with Gavin.
I snapped my laptop shut, curled in a ball, and cried my eyes dry for the hundredth time since I left him.
How was life going to ever be okay when it was so full of misery and heartache?
Chapter Twenty Six
About a week after I got back, Auntie G had apparently had enough of my moping. I’d called off work for the last two days and hadn’t bothered to shower or change my pajamas. I was a mess.
She came into my room just before noon, opened the window and said, “Come on, time to get ready to go. We have an appointment at two.”
“For what?” I asked with all the enthusiasm of an angry badger.
“Getting your mother’s ring sized. I also need to drop off some of my other things to be cleaned.”
“Oh forget about it,” I said and shut my eyes, “I’ll never need a ring anyhow, what’s the point?”
“The point is that you are miserable, and I can’t stand it. You stink. What you need is a shower, a good greasy meal and some fresh air. So you have half an hour and we’re leaving.”
I grumbled and protested, but she’d have none of it of course. Reluctantly I got in the shower, dragged on some old comfy clothes and tied my hair in a loose knot at the back of my head.
I looked slightly better than a crazy cat lady, maybe a couple notches up from homeless crazy cat lady.
She was waiting for me at the front door, she paused dramatically in front of the door and said, “Are you ready for this? It’s pretty bright out there, are you going to turn to ash?”
I smiled and said, “Very funny. Keep it up and I’m heading back upstairs.”
“Fine, fine, I won’t say another word. Come one, we’re going to be late, it took you longer than I thought, must have been quite a crust of dirt to shower away.”
I glared at her and she said, “Okay, I swear that’s the last one!”
We were just a couple minutes late for our appointment, but the jewelry store was deserted when we got there. It seemed like it had seen better days and had been around for a while. It was in a rough area that had once been upscale. The owner either refused to move or didn’t have the means.
The jeweler was around Auntie G’s age and they seemed to know each other.
He introduced himself as Mr. Spencer, but I could call him Robert, apparently he and Auntie G had gone to the same college back in the day. He measured my finger, started to look at Auntie G’s jewelry and I excused myself.
Small talk felt wooden and I couldn’t force myself to go through the motions. It almost hurt my head to fake it.
I wandered over to his display case of rings and pendants and scanned the products for anything that would catch my eye and distract me.
“Are you looking for anything in particular?”
I looked up and saw a young guy, cute, about my age. Normally, in my pre-Gavin days, I might have noticed him. Now, he could have been a shell of a human for all I registered the fact that he was young, male, and close to my age.
“No, I’m here with my aunt,” I replied and nodded towards them.
“I will admit, I was a little surprised to see a customer in here, it’s pretty dead most days.”
“I can see that. Have you thought about leaving the area? I have to admit, buying diamonds in a spot you might get robbed the minute you leave the shop is a little disconcerting.”
“Heh,” he laughed, “you just used the word disconcerting correctly in a sentence.”
“Um, yeah,” I replied.
“I’m sorry, it’s just that most girls these days seem to work on looking stupid, especially ones as attractive as you. It’s refreshing.”
I looked him up and down through narrowed eyes. I thought he was flirting with me. When he winked, I knew he was.
“Yeah, I’m not like most girls,” I said hastily, “I should see if my aunt is done.”
I scuttled across the shop like he’d lit my ass on fire. Flirting felt alien to me right now, the thought of it almost made me gag.
“You ready to wrap up here?” I asked.
The guy from the other side of the shop joined the owner and smiled at me. “We are,” Auntie G said, “have you met Trenton? This is Robert’s nephew. He’s learning the trade so he can take over the business.”
“Yes, he is,” Robert said, “if he can ever make it to work on time.”
“I bike here,” Trenton said and flashed me a smile, “traffic is tough. I have to make sure I make it here alive in the first place. Anyhow, pleased to meet you. Your name was…”
“Sarai,” Auntie G answered for me.
“Yup, that’s me,” I said, “and we need to go.”
We left and drove home in silence. I had the sneaking suspicion that Auntie G had set the meeting up on purpose and it worried me that she would think I’d be interested in anyone for years to come.
***
It was time to face the world and, like a child throwing a tantrum, I just didn’t want to. I sat on the edge of my bed and went over every possible question I was going to face. Surely Sylvie had noticed the abrupt end of my vacation posts on Facebook and mentioned them to Marta. They both must have read the stories online.
I was scared that they would think I’d done it, that they would hate me for it.
I walked into the store barely put together. My hair was messy and I’d managed to apply a little makeup to my tear swollen eyes. I was a wreck, but I thought it might be good for me to get out of my little cocoon of misery and do something useful.
Marta was waiting for me by the till.
“I just want to get it out of the way before you start,” she said and my heart dropped. I braced for her firing me or blaming me or something equally terrible. “We read the articles online, and I can’t believe you would do such a thing.”
“It wasn’t me,” I replied, tears springing up behind my eyes.
“I know, dear,” she said, “that’s what I’m saying. I can’t believe you would ever do something like that.”
“It was probably that bitchy friend of yours, Jenny,” Sylvie said, popping out from behind a stack of books.
“It was,” I replied, “I never thought she could be capable of such deception.”
“Did Gavin end it right away, or did he give you a chance to explain?” Marta asked.
“His sister did it,” I said, “she blocked me from going back to our room. It was so humiliating.”
“That’s awful, why didn’t he have the balls to come see you himself? To look you in the eye and end it?” Sylvie demanded.
“I don’t know,” I replied. I know they wanted me to be upset about it all, to accuse Gavin of turning his back on me. Auntie G had hinted at it a couple times, but I couldn’t muster the strength to be mad. I just didn’t have it in me.
“Well, I hope he mans up enough that he speaks to you when he comes back, he owes you that,” Marta added.
I nodded and dove into my work. I just couldn’t discuss it right then and there.
That became my life. Short intervals of dodging questions about Gavin at work, then long, miserable bouts of curling up under my blankets, trying to sleep and lose myself to my daydreams.
I tortured myself occasionally to look up Gavin online. There were hundreds of news articles about him and some hot model, him living the bachelor high life, him buying a car. There weren’t any more mentions of the Baby Charlie thing, and no more mention of me. It was as though I’d never existed in his world.
I didn’t even know if I existed in my own world for that matter. Everything felt like it was in black and white, with the sound on mute.
It wasn’t any way to live; it was barely a way to survive.
***
Two weeks after my return, Auntie G had apparently had enough. I came down one morning for breakfast and she had prepared eggs, toast, hash browns and tea.
“What’s all this for?” I asked, incredulous but not ungrateful. I wasn’t one of those depressed waifs who stopped eating, if anything I gained an appetite when I wasn’t focused on having incredible sex with Gavin.
“It’s the first day of your new life,” she said and sat across from me. She heaped food on my plate and hers.
“What do you mean? I have a life, I’m happy with this life. I don’t want anything new, thank you.”
“This thing you’re doing? It’s not living. You’re moping around and barely surviving. It’s depressing me, and quite frankly, throwing off the chi of the whole place.”
“So you’re offended that my life being in tatters is throwing off your feng shui?” I didn’t know whether to laugh or be upset. I was leaning more towards laughter. She always had a way to tip things upside down and if anyone could break me out of my funk, it would be her.
“Yes, I’m offended that you are not doing your best to move past this. You owe it to yourself, to give yourself a break.”
I looked at her face, so full of love and sincerity, that I almost believed her. But it had all been my fault, trusting in Jenny. I needed to see myself through Auntie G’s eyes though, so I exhaled loudly, threw my hands in the air and said, “Fine, do your worst. How do you propose I start my new life?”
She gave me a wide grin and said, “Well, asking is the first step.”
Chapter Twenty Seven
It turned out Auntie G’s new life idea involved a lot of yoga in humid rooms with sweaty old hippies. Bikram Yoga, she called it. I called it torture, and if I never smell sweat and patchouli again, it will be too soon.
Basically we all met up in her friend’s studio, a windowless room with the heaters cranked. The idea was to stretch and move in a super heated space in order to release your toxins.
Seriously, I think I breathed in more stale weed that first week than I ever had in all my years at college. Some of them seemed to ooze pot from their pores. I swear one of Auntie G’s best buddies was so full of ganja, he was like one of those frogs that people lick to get high. One swipe of old hippy sweat and I would have been chilling out with the best of them.
Auntie G had a strict no drug policy though, she wanted this transformation to be natural, not propped up with artificial means.
But she’d take me for ice cream after each session, so I guess it wasn’t all bad. Rocky Road instead of a bong and all that.
A few days into my new life, I got home from work and saw a strange car parked in front of the house. It wasn’t unusual, we only had curb parking, and people parked in front all the time.
Either way, I braced myself when I opened the door, waiting for bad news or something. I don’t know why, the car just gave me bad vibes.
Happily it wasn’t my student loan officer or a bill collector, it was Trenton, dropping off our newly cleaned and resized jewelry.
My stomach still turned to lead when I saw him there, I couldn’t shake the feeling that Auntie G was trying to hook me up with him.
“Hey,” he said when I walked into the kitchen, “how’s it going?”
“Not bad,” I replied and sat down at the table.
“Try these on,” Auntie G said and handed me my mother’s rings. They fit perfectly and looked beautiful. I felt a little choked up at the realization that Gavin would never need these from me. He would never use them to propose.
“Lovely,” Trenton said, “your mother had excellent taste.”
“I suppose that would have been my father though, right?”
“I guess so,” he replied, “but if your mother was half as beautiful as you, then I can see he had impeccable taste.”
“Thanks,” I muttered and slipped the rings off.
I made some excuse about needing to go upstairs to write or read or something, and I took off like I’d been stung.
Auntie G covered for my rude behavior with some excuse or another, but I didn’t really care.
The weird thing is that Trenton was somebody I would have been interested in before Gavin. He was cute, blonde, beautiful eyes and a nice body. And he seemed to like me. I mean, from the what, two times I’d met him. I just got that vibe, that little snap between us that he was putting down.
I just wasn’t picking it up.
After he left, Auntie G came to my room to talk.
“You know I’ve been worried about you, right?” she said.
“Yeah,” I replied, waiting for it.
“And you know Trenton is a very nice boy from a good family.”
“I did not know that, but it’s fascinating.”
“I just think you should get back in the saddle now that
you’ve been bucked off. I don’t think it’s healthy to shut yourself off to love just because of one failed relationship.”
“I’m not a cowgirl.”
“You know what I mean.”
“And it wasn’t failed, it was a fucking disaster,” I said, sat up and turned to her, “it was a disaster of epic proportions. On a global fucking scale.”
“I know that, dear,” she said, “but things happen. Life happens. And I don’t want you to end up like me.”
“I like your life, what’s wrong with ending up like you?”
“I’m lonely, Sarai. It’s lonely getting to my age and having nobody.”
“You’ve got me.”
“You know exactly what I mean,” she scolded gently, “I have nobody to cuddle with at night, nobody to watch crappy TV with, nobody to use those two-for-one coupons with. I always end up over eating just so I can save money. It doesn’t make sense.”
“Why did you never settle down?”
“I did,” she said quietly, “I had a live in boyfriend when your parents died. You probably don’t remember him, Michael.”
“What happened to him?” I asked, startled by the revelation that she’d been in a serious relationship. I hated to admit it, but I’d always thought of her as partially androgynous.
“He couldn’t handle me taking you on full time,” she replied quietly.
“He left because of me? Oh god, I’m sorry,” I said.
“Not exactly, but maybe a little bit. But it’s okay, I’m happy with my decision and I’ve never regretted it since,” she said, “What I want you to realize is that being alone isn’t the best, and life moves at lightning speed. Before you know it, you’ll be my age and wondering where it all went.”
I thought about it for a moment. I’d never looked at Auntie G’s life, and I’d never wondered how she felt about things. Her guardianship of me had been thrust upon her without asking. I’d been so wrapped up in my misery and grief after my parents had died, that I’d never stopped to ask how she felt.