by L. Duarte
“Oh, I’m sorry.” She looked at me with the eyes of a sniper and added with a forced sweet voice, “I didn’t mean to be rude.”
“No worries. Jessica has a point. According to Confucius, ‘Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.’”
“How about you, Caleb, are you going to Yale like your father?” asked Mrs. Conway, redirecting the conversation.
“I haven’t decided yet,” he said, toying with the food on his plate.
“Are you going to eat that?” I asked. Caleb smiled and switched my empty plate for his.
“Thank you,” I said with a smile.
The rest of the meal was like sailing on a calm lake. Time to make some waves!
I bit off my last piece of asparagus and licked my fingers. “What’s for dessert?” I asked.
“Actually, we’re gonna take a rain check on dessert.” Caleb stood and pulled out my chair before I had time to protest. Shit, shit, shit. I needed more time to leave an impression on the Cahan and Conway clans. We couldn’t leave just yet.
I searched Caleb’s face for an explanation for our sudden departure. Was he afraid of me saying something to further embarrass him? But shock and disappointment surged through me. His face appeared… satisfied, content even, with the evening. Not at all what I had aimed for.
He placed a chaste kiss on his mother’s cheek. “See you at home, Mom.”
“Remember curfew, Caleb,” his father said sternly.
Ignoring his father, Caleb smiled at our host. “Thank you for dinner, Mrs. Conway.” He grabbed my hand, hastily hauling me away from the table.
I glanced back, barely having time to wave a good-bye. The same startled eyes that stared at us when we walked in, stared at us as we stormed out.
Caleb opened the car’s door and ushered me in, his lips had a small smile. The night might have been an epic fail for me, but apparently it was successful for Caleb.
He stepped on the gas, the tires skidding loudly in the silence of the night. He synched his phone to his car speakers and a cheesy song from a new pop band flowed the interior of the car. Shoot me, please. I despised pop music. His eyes, focused on the road, had an expression that I couldn’t decipher. Yep, I, the expert on reading body language, couldn’t figure him out.
I focused on the lyrics of the offensive song. It was mortifying, but I had to admit the song had some substance to it.
“This is not the way to my house,” I mentioned, nodding to the black asphalt stretching in front of us.
“No,” he said, without taking his eyes from the road.
“Where are you taking me?” I demanded.
“To a place where I can kiss you senseless,” he said with a heated and husky voice.
I SEARCHED MY brain for a witty comeback to his remark, but I came up empty. Mark my words, that boy who had me tongue-tied would probably be the end of me.
Slowly, realization slipped through my matted brain. Caleb’s haste to leave was so we could make out. A nervous lump settled in my throat.
I felt my body free-falling in a swirl of conflicted emotions. Truth be told, I was curious about how it would feel to have his lips on mine, feel the warmth of his touch. No, I wasn’t curious. For the first time in my life, I was possessed by a deep desire that scared the hell out of me.
I made a decision to go along with it. Oh, who was I kidding? The tingling and ache in my body demanded that I went along. What better way to get rid of an itch but to scratch it away?
Caleb drove to Gold Sand Park. He parked on the dry grass skirting the deep brown sand. The beach was deserted, and the black water of the ocean reflected the gigantic yellow moon hanging from the sky and the twinkling stars surrounding it.
For two entire seconds, I debated on what would be the best way to proceed. I knew what was coming, but I didn’t know how to act. Yeah, I had hooked up with boys before, but feeling this attracted to someone was completely new to me.
Caleb ended the inner turmoil. With swift movements, he did several things at once. He released his seat belt, slid his seat back, released my belt, and pulled me to his lap. He then cupped my face with both hands and his eyes bored into mine. Only inches separated us. His warm breath caressed and tantalized my skin. He held my gaze for what seemed like an eternity. A blazing hunger that, at the time, I thought was lust, etched his face.
Kiss me already! I thought, tormented by a primal want.
With agonizingly slow movements, his hand released my hair. He groaned softly as he watched it cascade over my shoulders. “Since the first fucking time I saw you, all I’ve been thinking about is kissing you.”
Damn, the words flowing from his lips sounded hot. He wrapped my hair around his wrist and tugged me closer, crushing his lips on mine.
I did not dare try to deter him.
My eyes closed, my lips parted, and my mind filled with the stardust from a collision of bright yellow stars.
His tongue tangled with mine as his mouth devoured me. He tasted like mint and lust.
Fire seared through my veins with the same velocity a comet travels the sky. All I could think was; I want more. My thigh pressed against the evidence of his desire. I felt drunk with passion and need, losing my grasp on the world surrounding us.
Caleb’s hand strained, pulling my hair, causing a sweet ache. I moaned in response. His other hand traveled up and down my side, urgent and desperate.
Without hesitation, I swung my leg and straddled him. His hands flashed to my ass, pulling me against his arousal. I gyrated my hips, and he rewarded me with a groan. His lips trailed along my jaw, down my neck. I threw my head back to give him better access. He bit and sucked the sensitive skin, leaving a trail of flames in his wake.
He licked a sensitive spot behind my ear and growled, “You taste so good, love.” Goosebumps spread across my skin. I was burning from the inside out.
I needed more. I pulled his shirt over his head, and his feverish skin shivered under my anxious fingers. I inched back, pulled my blouse off, and tossed it on the dashboard.
Caleb’s hooded eyes darkened. His swollen lips parted, and he inhaled sharply. I grabbed his hand and brought it to my heaving breast. His touch was reverent. I had never been touched this intimately. I weaved my fingers through his hair and pulled him back to me in an urgent kiss.
We were skin to skin.
Mouth over mouth.
Mingled breaths.
Tangled bodies.
Heartbeat against heartbeat.
We fit perfectly together.
But it wasn’t enough. My need for him turned into an all-consuming, burning, insufferable pain.
We were lost in an explosion of kisses, touches, and grinding. But it still wasn’t enough. I wanted more. I wanted it all. I was dry-humping him unashamedly. My body was lost in space, disconnected from gravity. It was a blissful sensory overload. I had a heightened awareness of my loud heartbeat, the beads of perspiration on my skin, a tingling sensation running through my bloodstream, the throbbing ache between my thighs. And I craved Caleb. I craved more of him. More skin to skin. More. Just more. The desperation with which I wanted him was both terrifying and thrilling.
“The back, let’s go to the back of the car.” I broke the kiss, panting for air. My trembling fingers found the fly on his jeans. “I want you on top.”
“Wow, love. Fuck. Wait.... Wait.” Caleb’s hands circled my wrists. He brought my hands behind my back and rested his head on the center of my chest. “A minute. Just give me a minute,” he said in a tortured voice.
Slowly I descended from my cloud of lust, and my mind snapped back to reality. I looked around us. The car window was foggy, and I no longer could see the stars. I was disoriented, dizzy even. It felt as if an undertow had abruptly dragged me to the bottom of the ocean, and when I sucked in looking for air, a stream of salty water saturated my lungs. Drowning in embarrassment was an awful way to die.
I tried to scoot away from Caleb’s lap, but his arms
tightened around me.
“Let go of me,” I said. My voice was dripping with the embarrassment from his rejection.
“Please, don’t. Don’t.” His voice was just a whisper, but it carried such an agonizing plea that I relented. I rested my head on his naked chest and closed my eyes. Slowly, our breaths settled down.
Caleb released my wrists, and his hands cupped my face. “Luna, look at me.”
I opened my eyes. We were so close, that even under the dimmed light I could see the small crease in between his eyes. My hands rested on his chest, and I felt his heart thumping beneath my fingers. We were still naked from the waist up, making it painfully intimate. I wanted to raise the walls surrounding my heart. Keep him out.
“You have no idea how bad I want you. I do. Madly. But not like this. Not in the back of a car.”
My hand curled into a tight ball. I shuttered my eyes closed and tried to free my face from his hold.
“Open your eyes, love,” he commanded, holding my face firmly.
Even though I knew that at that moment, he would see all of me, I opened my eyes and peered at him. The many secretive facets of me, hidden deep inside my soul, exposed, disrobed for him to see. The fearful, the lonely, the broken, the ugly, the hopeful.
“You deserve better, Luna,” he said solemnly.
I bit my lip to stifle the sob that was rising in my throat. If I thought the attraction I felt for him was confusing, the feelings he evoked with his tenderness were unfathomable.
He reached behind me and retrieved my shirt. With gentle movements, he dressed me. It was a sublime experience. It had been too long since I had been the recipient of such a tender gesture. If I was feeling vulnerable before, at that moment I was as defenseless as an infant.
“I’ll take you home.”
I settled in the passenger seat and adjusted my blouse. We rode in silence. Nothing he could have said would release me from the pit of self-deprecation I’d thrown myself in. I was thankful for his quietness.
As soon as the car stopped in front of my house, I reached for the door. But Caleb grabbed my arm, halting me.
“Hey, I had a great time tonight.”
I looked at him and raised a brow.
He smiled, flashing his dimple at me. “Okay, the second half of the night was the best date I ever had.”
I suppressed a smile. “It wasn’t too bad,” I said, matter-of-factly.
“Come here,” he said, pulling me into his arms and seizing my mouth. I wanted to resist, to dash away from his car with a bit of my dignity intact. Instead, my traitorous body melted into his embrace. My lips became pliant and cooperative under his demanding kiss. Definitely not how I envisioned how the night would play out.
Caleb had the upper hand, and he knew it, the bastard. He let go of me and with a cocky smile, he asked, “You still owe me a movie, can we watch it tomorrow night?”
Huh? Was he out of his mind? “Tomorrow, I um…” I was tongue-tied, not a comfortable place to be. “I’ll text you,” I mumbled and made haste to leave the car.
A few minutes later, still in a haze, I slid into a pair of pajamas and crawled under the blankets.
Sleep found me hours later.
The buzz of my phone woke me from an erotic dream where I was pressing myself against a strong chest that may or may not have belonged to Caleb.
I groaned and glanced at the digital clock. It was too early for any teenager to buy drugs. Rich kids slept late on weekends, especially after using what they bought from me.
I patted the nightstand until I found my cell. With droopy eyes, I saw Caleb’s name flash across the screen. My heart rate increased and the drowsiness fled my body.
I read the text:
Caleb: Spend the day with me
I tapped my fingers on the screen, unable to produce a response.
Another message flashed on the screen.
Caleb: text me when u get this. Need to see u
I snapped out of the haze and punched back.
Me: Can’t. shltr tday
Caleb: OK
His stoic response sent a wave of disappointment through my body.
I lay under the covers with my back pressed against the hard mattress and my eyes wide open staring at the ceiling.
I thought of Dad. I imagined how last night would have played out if he were still alive. He would have invited Caleb in, made eye contact, and gripped his hand a little too tightly when they shook. After the screening, he would glance at me with a small smile of approval. After asking where, who, when, and what, Dad would’ve given us a curfew and stood at the door waving us off.
At times like these, I missed Dad the most. I wished with every part of me that he were still with me. Then, I could be an undamaged Luna, who could date cute, dimpled boys. I would prance through the mall; arms linked with a BFF, a Frappuccino in my hand, giggling and saying things like Oh. Em. Gee. I would join the cheerleader squad. Nah, definitely not a cheerleader, but there would be so much to choose from: science club, class president, debate team, soccer varsity, even band. The sky would’ve been the limit.
When the sun came out, I got up and showered.
I went through a routine I had done hundreds of times before. However, it felt different, as if a part of me had awoken from a long hibernation. Colors were brighter, as if the murky lenses through which I had seen the world had been wiped clean. Even the sunbeam filtering through an opening in the curtain had a golden hue that colored the particles of dust dancing in the still morning air.
I took extra time smoothing my hair, applied mascara, and painted my nails metallic blue. I may have giggled when I realized the shade matched Caleb’s car. The unusual extra care with my appearance was because, secretly, I hoped Caleb would stop by the shelter to see me. I hardly recognized myself.
When I pulled in the shelter’s parking lot, I gasped, and my hand tightened its grip on the steering wheel. Caleb was standing against his car, his arms crossed over his chest, and a mischievous smile on his face. I bit my lip to avoid a smile. This boy had a funny effect on me.
He opened my door and stretched out his hand. “Good morning, love.”
I ignored the hand but managed to mumble a response.
“Hey,” he said, blocking me. He placed both hands at each side of my body, caging me against the car. His warmth made my skin tingle.
I risked a glance up, one I instantly regretted. His expressive eyes displayed an eagerness, a moment of insecurity. “Please don’t shut me out,” he said. “We need to talk.”
It was so like him to say please.
“I have to go in,” I said for lack of anything else to say. I wasn’t ready for this conversation. This new and foreign version of me needed time to recalibrate.
“Fine, I’ll wait. But we so need to talk.”
Regaining partial use of my mental function, I pushed him out of my way. “I don’t see a need for a conversation.” With fake confidence, I strolled to the building.
“Good morning, my two favorite young volunteers,” Brandon greeted us.
I smiled and shook my head. We were his only young volunteers. The other volunteers were senior citizens.
“Caleb, I don’t see you on the schedule for today,” Brandon said.
“Uh, last minute decision.” He put his hand behind his neck, having the decency to look embarrassed. “If that’s all right with you.”
Brandon glanced between the two of us, an understanding smile slithering on his face. “Not a problem. In fact, today we should be busy. Luna here can always use the help.”
Brandon was right. We were busy. It appeared every family in Westfield had decided to visit on the same day. At midday, I was exhausted but ecstatic. Amber, a nine-year-old searching for a cat to adopt, fell madly in love with Snowball. The parents, anxious to oblige, didn’t notice Snowball’s lack of social skills. Oh, well, ignorance is bliss. Hopefully, by the time they noticed Snowball’s shortcomings, they’ll be as enamored as Amber and wil
ling to overlook it.
Caleb and Brandon entered the office to talk about taking new pictures for the website, as well as a video promoting adoption. To Brandon’s delight, Caleb was an amateur videographer. He had done a summer internship at one of the biggest TV networks in New York. He was eager to apply the acquired knowledge.
I finished feeding the dogs and left before Caleb got out of the office.
I rolled down the window, reveling in the warm breeze blowing my hair. A quarter of a mile from the shelter, I turned into the opening of an abandoned road and parked my car. Since I was wearing a tank top, I stripped off my shirt. I retrieved a bag of bird food from the trunk and hoisted it over my shoulder.
Ignoring a “Do Not Trespass” sign, I slid through a gap in the broken gate and trailed down the narrow dirt path. The sun was high and the sky a clear azure. A flock of birds, congregating to migrate south, flew over my head.
Shortly after I had gotten my license, I had found this place. I liked everything about it. But mostly the solitude it granted. If the shelter made me feel closer to Dad than this would be my “thin place.” A sanctuary where Dad’s presence was so tangible, I could hear his deep, low voice and feel his strong hand holding mine.
Deep in the wood, all I heard was the quiet chirp of the birds and the constant skittering of the windblown leaves. Finally, I reached the “Bridge to Terabithia,” as I had named the stream. I adjusted the bag over my shoulder. I stopped to observe the deep grooves on the smooth rocks. They had been carved by centuries of water streaming down the creek. I inhaled deeply, taking in the soothing peace. Ferns covered the ground with a luscious green. I leaped on the moss-covered boulders, crossing to the other side of the stream.
Then I trudged through dense vegetation, pushing away branches and bushes to uncover my “Secret Garden.” Yeah, I know, cheesy book reference. But I was once Daddy’s little girl. He read me those books, and I can’t help but to recall them when I feel close to him.
My willow tree unveiled before me. I wish I could’ve hugged it; that’s how much I liked the tree. It was my favorite place on earth, heck, in the universe. I dropped the package on the ground and tilted my head up. With arms wide open, I embraced the harmony which the sacred place offered. A warm breeze blew, and the long withies, cascading like a curtain, swished around me in a sweet welcoming.