by L. Duarte
“Oh, and how is Laska? She must be old and gray by now. If she’s still around, give her my love. Did you find out who I named her after? I hope society hasn’t corrupted you and enticed you to look it up on that Internet thingy called Google. If you still don’t know, good luck, kid. Just because I’m at death’s door doesn’t mean that I’ll reveal the name of the book to you. Keep on reading, kid. The day you find out, celebrate as if I were there, will yah?
“Oh, Little Moon, it pains me to leave you behind. I hope Lace honors her word and takes care of you. She’s wild, that one. But she was the only one person I had. Please forgive my lack of planning. Everything is just moving so fast, and your aunt is the best chance we have to keep you out of the system.
“But despite all the battles you will face, I have faith in you, dear. I know the essence of who you are, and it’s awe worthy. I’m proud of who you’ve become. But that leads me to a question. Are you proud of who you are and the choices you’ve been making?
“I know you’re eighteen and are rolling your eyes. Self-evaluation is highly disregarded at your age, but given the circumstances I have to ask you to look at yourself and answer with honesty. Do you love yourself? Are you happy with the path stretching before you? There is wisdom in questioning your decisions, learning from your mistakes.
“I have lived a fulfilling life. I am left with one regret: Not being there to guide you through these crucial years. Hence, I’m doing this silly video journal. I want to give you some pointers for life. Things we would have talked about over breakfast, or sitting in traffic, or after a movie, or while feeding the birds. But if you are watching this now, we had none of that. So, here are my last words for you, darling. It’s a ‘to do’ list. And no, it is not optional. I’m using the father card on this one. It’s an order.
“So here it is:
Be loyal.
When depressed, make a mental list of what you are grateful for. It’s impossible to feel grateful and depressed at the same time.
Kiss slowly. FYI, this is hard for a father to say.
Forgive quickly.
Take chances.
Live in such way that you have no regrets in the end.
Get a library card.
Do what you say you’ll do.
Be comfortable with your identity.
Learn something from everyone.
Learn a new language.
For crying out loud, are you eating enough protein?
Smile often.
Avoid gossip at all costs.
Remember to see beyond someone’s skin color. All blood types are red.
Dance in the rain.
Watch the sunrise.
It’s okay to not know it all. But remain curious.
Do the things that scare you.
Go to bed early, get up early. That’s one of the habits shared by successful people.
Feed birds, especially in winter.
Climb trees.
Plant a tree.
Get a passport. Use it.
Repeat people’s name when you meet them. Trust me on this one. It’ll go a long way.
Get a tattoo. If it’s what you want.
Pray.
Be a good listener.
Carpe diem.
Apologize.
Be humble, but brave.
Go to Iceland. Okay, I admit, this one’s more for myself, so you don’t really need to do it. But if you do, think of me, please.
Make a bucket list. Do what you write on it.
Above all, please remember: Every day is a gift, even when it sucks. Don’t let it go to waste.” He inhaled deeply.
“So that’s pretty much it, my Little Moon. It might not be the most enlightening list in the universe, but remember to practice these things. It will make your life fuller and more meaningful.
“There is no deadline to do them, so there is no rush. It’s a lifetime commitment.
“Remember that life is like climbing a mountain. The goal is to get to the top. However, what is relevant is the journey to get there. It will involve courage, tears, sweat, pain, effort, and perseverance. Be faithful to who you are, and always revisit your values. They are your core.
“Be honest with others, but mostly to yourself. The rest, my darling, will fall in place. I promise.
“Sorry, I couldn’t stay, kiddo. But I know you’ll thrive. I’m confident of the values I imparted to you.
“Lastly, I want to let you in on a secret: You’re special. You wanna know why? Because you are the only you who exists in the entire universe. Amazing, right? But a true story.
“I love you beyond the scope of words. I love you to the moon and back, an infinite amount of times.
“Take care, my Little Luna.”
Silence replaced Dad’s voice. The screen turned blue, then gray. I hugged the envelope as one embraces a loved one. Happiness, massive as a deluge of Biblical proportions, flooded me.
At first I had lost everything: my house, Jake, pictures, clothes, my blue birdhouse, my dreams, and Caleb. All I had left were heaps of ashes and a pocket full of painful memories. Until now. Now, I had money for school and a future. But most importantly, I had Dad again. The recording was a new keepsake for me to treasure. And with it, Dad reinvigorated me with a plan and vision.
THE FOLLOWING DAY I woke up before the sun and put the first check mark on the list I had created, based on Dad’s to-do list. I watched the sunrise, and I soaked up the peace it gave.
Then, I hopped in my car, rolled down the windows, and headed west. Destination: California.
From a used bookstore, I bought classic novels from the nineteenth century, piled them on the back seat, and resumed my quest for the name Laska. Dad and I had an unfinished game.
Though those were some of the saddest and loneliest days of my life, I also felt grounded and secure. Loved and treasured. A multitude of emotions tumbled inside my chest.
Dad knew the effect his video would have on my soul. He knew I would be lost and stumbling through life. He foresaw my need for a guiding hand. That alone overwhelmed. But the reassurance of his faith in me made the old me resurface and blend with the newer facets.
With eyes wide open, I could see my inner being. I could perfectly see my scars and dents.
Most importantly, I could see my qualities and flaws, strengths and weakness. I reconciled the two halves. I didn’t have to be one perfect half or one damaged half. I could be a whole perfectly damaged me. The only me in the universe. The me who wore her stripes proudly. Because the aim wasn’t perfection, but purpose.
I drove through valleys and mountains, through small towns and big cities, through green pastures, and burnished red deserts, through busy streets, and forlorn roads.
I gazed at the stars and marveled at the moon. I stopped when I wanted. I ate when hungry. I read when bored. I slept when tired.
I felt the warmth of the sun with a new awareness and appreciation. I felt the breeze on my face like a divine gift. I cried when I thought of Jake, and wept when I remembered Caleb. However, I smiled when I thought of Dad. And I beamed when I thought of myself and the future stretching before me like the miles of black asphalt I drove on.
During those months, I watched Dad’s video three thousand times. Each time, the same aftermath rehabilitated me. It strengthened the renewed view of myself. Most importantly, I solidified my view of the world. I looked at the world through the eyes of a newborn, full of wonder and awe.
With a lighter heart, I reached the Pacific. I stood in front of the vast ocean with my face lifted to the sky, arms wide open, and hands stretched upward. I had gone from coast to coast. It marked the end of one era and the beginning of another.
I crossed the Golden Gate Bridge wearing flowers in my hair and the sound of Scott McKenzie blasting from the radio. I bade farewell to The Golden State and carried with me a pungent sense of true “Eureka.” I had found a pot of gold inside my being.
Colorado bound, I turned back east and left
California. I drove while eating tons of greasy fries, drinking gallons of sweet tea and listening to my favorite songs. Life was too short to listen to bad music. Dust in the Wind always wound up on repeat.
Naturally, drinking all the tea in china, lead me to gazillions of stops, where I would proceed to squat ungracefully behind some bush. Not the most dignified part of my adventure.
In Utah, I pulled over on the shoulder of the freeway and sat on the hood of my car. I inhaled deeply, filling my lungs with the foreign, but aromatic, smell of the wind mingled with dust and sage. The asphalt of the highway was a black slit on the landscape and both sides contained mountains, valleys, arid deserts, and distant canyons. The warm breeze ruffled my hair and whispered softly over my skin. The sun gracefully and magnificently dipped behind red sandstones, bestowing a mesmerizing sunset upon me.
I remained on the top of the car and watched the twilight as the light shifted into darkness. Not a person in sight. Under normal circumstances, I would be scared, terrified even. But the solitude, the darkness, the vast space, the silence hypnotized me in a way that left no room in me for reasoning.
Typically I saw myself as big, bold, important—the center of the universe. But the desert, so big and intimidating, made me feel small. But that vast desert was just a tiny patch of planet Earth.
Then, I watched the stars making their appearance in the sky. One by one, they shone. At first, with a shy and soft twinkle, but then bursting onto vast constellations. Far, mysterious, alluring. Then, earth seemed small; the Milky Way seemed small. Our galaxy became just a smudge of strewn planets within the superclusters of galaxies. The astrologists call it “the visible universe,” which essentially is the cosmos. To me, it was just an unfathomable mystery.
All the brain twisters, thoughts, and observations got me nowhere but to a humbling conclusion: Try as we may, there were forces in our universe that were untouchable, unattainable, and undefinable. However, it came full circle right back at me from the center of this entire mammoth world. I was given a place, a voice, a breath. It had to mean something.
Overwhelmed, I broke into a fit of sobs. I understood the magnitude of my meager existence. Some may call it an epiphany of sorts. But I knew it was more than that. It was a connection between creation and Creator.
So, in between tears and sobs, I did what I hadn’t done in so long. I prayed. I begged for forgiveness of past and future sins. And felt as if the salty water my body expelled via tear ducts was the pus that had poisoned my soul.
Serenity descended upon my body, and I floated through the desert, through the moon and stars, through throngs of galaxies, through the unknown...and back.
An animal’s cry jolted me out of my sleep. I sat up on the hood of the car. Darkness surrounded me, but I had never had such a clear vision of where I was headed. I slid inside the car and sped away, continuing my journey.
Colorado welcomed me with good weather and a listing containing an abundance of affordable studios for rent. I settled for the third place I saw. It was small, old, and outdated, but it was over a bakery. I fancied myself waking up to the smell of freshly baked bread, and I was done for. In addition, the studio was ten minutes from Colorado University. The school I had decided to go to. With Mr. Bakosi’s seal of approval for the low rate, I rented the place.
Within a week, a few gallons of paint and several trips to the thrift store, I had my studio painted and furnished. A smile bloomed on my face when I studied my living room/bedroom/kitchen. The décor was a retro-style recreation of my childhood home. A place Dad would be happy to visit.
In the far corner, a pile of classics from the eighteenth century and my carpentry tools, sat waiting for me. That night after starting the daunting War and Peace by Tolstoy (1,225 pages!), I built three birdfeeders. The following day, I hung them in the woods near my house and christened the place the Simon Kurtz Bird Sanctuary honoring Dad.
On my last free day before school started, I went grocery shopping. Pushing a cart, I strolled through the store. Mindlessly, I grabbed a container of Nutella and tossed in the cart. For Jake. My body froze as I stared at the jar. A clear picture of his melancholic grin every time I handed him his favorite food swamped me.
Finally, I broke free from the torpor and abandoned the cart.
Inside my car, it took me a while to turn the engine on. My entire body trembled as I drove to Dad’s bird sanctuary. Tears I could no longer hold back blurred my vision.
I sat underneath the tree I had hung my birdfeeders on. With my back pressed against the bark of the tree, I hugged my folded legs, rested my chin on my knees, and tried to halt the stream of tears.
A golden glitter hanging from one of my feeders caught my vision. I stood up and examined the small object. It was a thin gold chain with a heart pendant. With a scrunched up face, I retrieved the small bit of jewelry. The small, puffy heart had the picture of a messenger bird holding a letter. It was a locket. My fingers trembled, making it difficult to unlatch it. Finally, I snapped it open. Inside I found a folded square paper. I smoothed open and read its message.
My eyes glanced up, and I saw the dimpled face that haunted my dreams.
“Hey, Luna.” Caleb’s deep voice echoed in my ears.
I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. Was I delusional? I had never gotten a formal diagnosis for a mental disorder. Maybe the months of solitude were catching up with me and manifesting with hallucinations. On the count of three, my eyes would open, and I would no longer see Caleb in front of me.
But the unmistakable and heady scent of Caleb, mingled with his signature cologne, made my bent mind accept the reality. I felt a feathery touch on my cheeks. “Open your eyes, love.” His voice was huskier than I remembered.
I leaned my face into his touch, relinquishing to the familiarity of his hand. It was comforting, warm. I felt like the prodigal daughter, returning home.
I opened my eyes. “Caleb?” I asked in a whisper.
“Yes, love. It’s me,” he said, holding my face between his hands.
With the small paper clutched in my grasp and the necklace tangled on my fingers, I snapped back to reality and whacked his hands away.
“What are you doing here?” I squeaked out. A thorny lump constricted my voice.
Before he answered, I cleared my throat. “No. Never mind that. How did you find me?”
“I—”
I raised my hand. “No need to explain. You do know that stalking is a crime punishable by law, right?”
He smiled broader, deepening the dimple on his left cheek. It was so distracting.
“God, I missed that sassy mouth of yours.”
“I swear, Caleb, this time around, I’ll file a restraining ord—”
His gaze darkened, and with one swift leap he closed the space separating us. His lips seized mine. My legs weakened, but Caleb’s fierce hands prevented me from falling.
He kissed me with passion and familiarity. With emotion and hunger. It was all consuming. It fanned the remaining red embers of his name branded on the blueprint of my soul.
When our lips tore apart, I was panting, and my heart galloped with an unhealthy velocity.
Fresh tears escaped my eyes.
“Please don’t cry,” he said in a gentle whisper. “I can’t stand to make you cry.”
“Why did you come here, then?” My eyes met his. I hated how vulnerable I felt. I had achieved enlightenment and strength during my road trip. It took one kiss from him for all the strength ingrained within me to evaporate like vapor in the wind.
“Because I still love you.”
A bitter smile surfaced on my lips. Images of the day he left me over a stupid reason along with visions of him making out with Jessica assaulted my mind. I shook my head. Nothing he said would erase the pain he had caused me.
He let out an exasperated breath of air. His hands raked his hair. “Luna, just let me talk, all right? Please. If after what I have to say, you still hate my guts, I’ll never bother
you again.”
I wanted to storm away. But my feet refused to move. Part of me wanted to be a gullible fool and hear his explanation.
“You have two minutes.”
“My father blackmailed me,” he said.
“Poor you, no more allowance....” My voice trailed off in disgust, and I shook my head in mocking despair. I took a step away from him. I didn’t want to hear how he couldn’t jeopardize his future, his college tuition just for the sake of me. So cliché!
“If I broke up with you, Jake wouldn’t go to jail.”
I stopped in my tracks, and my head whipped around so that I could look at him. “What?” The world around me spun, and I thought I was going to faint.
Caleb grabbed my arms and turned me around. “Remember the delays to the trial? It was my father, ensuring I finished high school and enrolled at Yale to study law.”
I shook my head. “Why didn’t you tell me? I, um, I…” I held my head in both hands, a swirl of emotions and thoughts reeling inside me, making me dizzy.
“Oh, Luna. It devastated me to break your heart.” He scraped his hands over his face. “It was all for show. I had to convince you.”
I bit my lower lip to stop it from trembling. My lungs burned, and I realized I wasn’t breathing. I felt caught between wanting to know further, but afraid to be disappointed. Again.
I forced air into my nostrils, and said, “You want me to believe that it was all a lie? That you didn’t use me and toss me to the side like an old shoe?” I was appalled.
“Yes.” His voice was quiet, but it had a fervor that tugged at my heart.
“Suppose you’re telling the truth, that you acted like a douche to save Jake. Why not tell me? Why not let me in on your martyr plan?”
“And jeopardize Jake’s only shot out of that mess? Dad was clear, if anyone, especially you, found out; the deal was off. If I had told you and compromised Jake’s freedom, would you ever forgive me? Would you ever forgive yourself?” Caleb’s eyes pierced through me like a laser.
The obvious answer was “no.” I wouldn’t forgive myself. I would sacrifice anything for Jake’s sake. Even Caleb.