Soul-O (Music & Lyrics #2)

by Debbie Dickerson

  Chapter 10

  ‘You have leaving written all over your face.’

  Lyrics –

  I hear Tanner pull into the parking lot so I gather our things and head out. Right when I approach his truck, he gets out and says, “I’ll be right down, just have to grab something.”

  “Okay, I’ll be here.” I throw our bags in the back of the truck and hop into the passenger side. After about five minutes, Tanner comes walking toward the truck. Goddamn he’s beautiful. I haven’t told him yet but I love his hair cut. The short hair brings out his face structure and his eyes stand out like caramel colored diamonds.

  He hops in, puts his big hand on my thigh, and says, “What’s stirring in that beautiful head of yours?”

  I smile and say, “I was just admiring how handsome you look.”

  “So, you do like the haircut?”

  “I do.” He looks at me and smiles. I ask him what he had to grab,

  “What?”

  “Tanner, you just ran upstairs to grab something, remember?”

  “Oh, I was gonna grab a shirt but decided against it.” I knew he was lying but really don’t want to fight or have the energy to right now.

  We’ve driven this road a thousand times, but this time seems different. The conversation is kept to small talk, which never happens with us. When he cranked the music up, we both just took it in. After about fifteen minutes of silence between us, I hit the power off button on the radio and say, “So, when do you want to start doing gigs again? I’m ready whenever you are.”

  “Do we have to talk about this right now?” His response throws me for a whirl.

  “We don’t have to, I just really want to listen to you sing our songs.”

  He shrugs his shoulders and snares his lip up a little as he says, “Would you ever consider performing solo, like without me? I’m just saying, you are the real talent here.”

  “That’s a weird question. Solo? I guess I’d continue writing without you, but performing on stage…I don’t think so.”

  “Lyrics, you have an incredible voice and, hands down, you are the best song writer. If for any reason, I’m not here anymore, I want to, no, I need to know that you would continue with your music. After all, you are my Lyrics.”

  As if my whole world folded up into a big cream pie and came crashing smack dab into my face, he’s leaving. I’ve had the feeling he was going to leave for a few days but pushed it aside thinking I was imagining it. My stomach tightens and tears sting my eyes like somebody poured pickle juice in them. I look at him and say, “You’re leaving me.” Tanner shakes his head no but no words come out of his mouth and despite his efforts to hide it, I see his eyes well up. I ask, “What did I do to you that you feel you have to leave me?”

  His wipes his eyes and pulls onto the side of the highway. Without taking his hands off the steering wheel or looking at me at all, he says, “Dylan, if I were to leave, it would not be at all because of you. It’s me, because of me. I’ll never meet anybody better than you for me, but it’s killing me inside knowing that I am not able to offer you that same thing, anymore. Who I am today is not the best for you. How can I live with myself knowing that I married you even though I knew damn well that you deserved a better man? First and foremost, Lyrics, you are my best friend and I owe it to you to make sure that you are with the person that is best for you.”

  My blood is boiling. I say, “So instead of working through this, you just want to quit? There are groups and counselors that help people that have been raped, even men. You haven’t fucking tried anything at all, nothing. You don’t want to report Jennifer, but you want to make it a mission to get revenge on her. Maybe you should hire somebody to fucking kill that bitch and get it over with. She accomplished exactly what she set out to do to us. Never in a million years would I imagine you and I would not be in each other’s lives in one way or another. I’m here for you, Tan. Please don’t leave me. I know nothing else but you, loved nobody else but you, and called nobody besides you my best friend. Talk to me, please.”

  Tanner turns his stare from the distance to me and does his best to smile. He reaches over and threads his hand in my hair, pulls me to him and softly kisses my forehead and then my lips. He tells me in his most sincere tone, “I didn’t say I was leaving. You have my heart forever.” Feels like all the blood is rushing out of my body. I didn’t say anything because he has leaving written all over his face.

  Finally, pulling up to Mom’s house, we see the whole family through the living room window. I place my hand on top of Tanner’s and say, “This is our family, it’ll be great.” He forces another smile and nods his head in agreement. The moment we open the door, everybody stops and rushes over to us. We haven’t seen Brent in a while and his kids are so big.

  “Auntie Dylan, look at what I can do!” I turn to see Tucker juggling two tree ornaments. Tucker is four years old and built like a linebacker. I lift him up and give him a great big hug. Brent’s daughter Brooke is in the kitchen with Mom. Brooke is seven years old, long golden locks tied into a ponytail. Mom gives me a great big hug and Brooke joins in.

  Mom looks at me and asks, “Have you eaten lately? You look like you’ve lost ten pounds!”

  I shrug and say, “Been a crazy few weeks.”

  “I know baby, but you’re with Mom now. I’m gonna put some meat on those ribs.”

  I smile, “I’ve been looking forward to your cooking for days now.”

  Brooke chimes in and says, “Auntie Dylan, I’m helping Grammie make Christmas Dinner.” I can’t help but want to squeeze her.

  “It’ll be extra yummy this year then!”

  Tanner walks into the kitchen with Tucker wrapped around his leg and leans in to his mom,

  “Hi Mom. Wow, it smells delicious in here. Have you guys seen Tucker anywhere?” The kids bust up with laughter, which makes all of us laugh. Brent and his wife Cassie come in from the yard with both our Dads and Sophia.

  Mom says to Tanner, “I really like the new haircut, son, you look so handsome.”

  Brent comes right in to Tanner for a hug. It’s a longer than usual hug and he whispers something in his ear that makes Tanner smirk. It is nice to have us all together, especially right now. Cassie, Brooke and I stay in the kitchen with Mom and Sophia. Sophia fits right in with our family. I’m so happy for Dad that he found somebody like her.

  Sophia asks, “So, anymore wedding plans made?”

  I look down and say, “I think we are going to postpone our date. Too much going on right now.” I hold back on what I really want to say, which is, “I doubt there’s gonna be a wedding at all now.”

  Sophia says, “That’s understandable, considering.”

  Mom gently pats my back. I force a smile and say, “How about y’all? When are you going to be my stepmother?”

  She smiles and says, “We are thinking March 21st, a beautiful spring wedding. Of course, I’m gonna need a couple of special ladies to stand with me. What do you say?”

  Both Mom and I say in unison, “Of course, we will stand with you!”

  Mom asks me, “So, when are you thinking of postponing until?”

  I shrug and say, “I don’t know, Mom. Right now, I’ll be surprised if it happens at all. Tan has one foot out the door, can’t you tell?”

  Mom looks down and then back at me and says, “Yeah, I kind of got that feeling too. He’s not going anywhere sweetie; just going through a lot of crap right now. That boy adores you.”

  What else could I say but, “Sure hope you’re right.”

  Chapter 11

  ‘You don’t know how strong you are until you can’t say good-bye.’

  Tanner –

  I love this house. Looking around brings up so many great memories, and having the whole family together is amazing. Didn’t realize how much I missed my brother. Growing up, we weren’t super close. He was off to college by the time I was fourteen years old. If it weren’t for Lyrics, I’d have felt like an only child. God, L
yrics and I have always been together. I know she will never forgive me for leaving. I mean I wouldn’t forgive her if she left. She’s my best friend, the only person that knows everything about me. Took me seventeen years to realize that I am completely in love with her and when I finally get the balls to ask her to marry me, this bullshit happens. Feeling all this anger and shame, how could I love her the way she deserves? What kind of best friend would I be to drag her through my bullshit? This is too much, way too fucking much!

  Sitting on the wooden fence and staring out at the farm has always brought a peaceful feeling to me. I hear the back door open and look to see who it is. I hear Brent’s voice,

  “Still sittin’ on that old wood fence, huh? Guess things must be bad. You know, Tan, I’m here if you want to talk about it.”

  I smile and say, “Thanks, bro, I’m so sick of talking about me. Tell me about you.” Brent doesn’t press on me about it, thankfully.

  “I’ve decided to take a head football coaching position up in Odessa.”

  I turn to him and ask, “Really? Man, that is awesome. Does Mom know? Head coach, huh? Wow, feel sorry for those kids. Just kidding, they’ll be lucky to have you. Let me know the schedule so I can get to a game.” Brent has a big proud smile on his face and that makes me so happy.

  We hang out for a bit chit chatting and he says, “Well, guess we should get in before the ball and chain hunts me down.” We both laugh. Cassie is as sweet as they come.

  As we walk into the house, I see Lyrics cooking with Mom and my eyes fill with tears. I fight back hard for them not to drop out of my eyes, but it doesn’t work.

  As I’m wiping my tears off my face, Dad comes up from behind me and says, “Don’t cry Tan, he’s only gonna be in Odessa.” I couldn’t help but bust out in laughter. Sometimes he is so clueless.

  Cassie yells from across the room, “Why don’t y’all sing us a song?” I look at Lyrics and she is looking at me waiting for my answer.

  “Love to but we didn’t bring the guitar.” Lyrics expression turns sad. It is easy to see. I quickly say, “You know, I bet I have one in the back room still. I’ll go see.”

  Lyrics follows me and when I open the door to the room, she says, “Tan, you know you have like twenty guitars in here. If you don’t want to sing with me, just say that.”

  I close the door and push her back up against it. Her face is soft as I slowly run my fingers across her cheek bone. Both of our chests are rising and falling in unison. She has the most kissable lips and I need to taste her right now. With intention, I crash my lips onto hers and take in every taste and feel of her that I can. Her tongue is sweet, tasting of Mom’s freshly made cookies and perfectly wet as it follows my every move. I didn’t want to get into this but now I don’t know how to stop. I crave this woman, every part of her. The low moans she lets out go straight to my dick and all thoughts blur away.

  I whisper, “You know you are the only one I’ll sing with. I just haven’t been in the mood to sing.”

  She looks into my eyes and says, “Why wouldn’t you want to sing though?”

  I try to choose my words wisely, but it’s Lyrics and she’ll call bullshit on me. “These songs just remind me of who I used to be and what I used to have.” The moment the words came out I wanted to suck them back in.

  I thought she was going to flip her shit but to my surprise, she says, “I understand, I guess I feel the same way.” We are stuck in each other’s stare, neither wanting to move. The knock on the door makes us both jump back like we were high school kids sneaking sex in our parent’s house.

  Brooke yells, “Uncle T, y’all gonna sing or what?”

  We both giggle and I ask Lyrics, “You up for this?”

  She quickly says, “Tanner, I’ve waited almost six months for this.” I grab one of my old guitars and Lyrics hand. As I reach to open the door, she flings me around and plants a kiss on my lips. The urge to devour her grows strong but when I begin to set the guitar down, she says, “No, I want to sing with you so badly. What do you say we sing, Exactly What I Need Tonight?” Like a piano fell on my chest, my whole body feels crushed. That is one of my favorite songs that she wrote, and damn if it’s not truest at this moment.

  “Perfect. Let’s do this. Your adoring fans are impatiently awaiting your presence!”

  She laughs and says, “We can’t have that.”

  I truly don’t know that I’ll have the strength to walk away from this woman, even though I know it is the most selfless act I can do for her right now.

  The whole family is gathered in the living room and the Christmas tree is sparkling with Mom’s famous decorations. Of course, she has about six or seven Christmas trees throughout the house, like every good Southern woman. Mom set two chairs out for us to sit in, both facing the crowd. I take the chairs and turn them to face each other. I want to look at Lyrics for this one. As I tune my guitar quickly, Lyrics is visibly nervous, which forces a smile to form on my face. Damn she’s beautiful.

  I lean over and kiss her cheek and say, “You know you have the best voice I’ve ever heard.”

  She snaps back with, “Yeah right. Don’t be lame.”

  I mouth, “Ready?” She nods.

  The family is quiet and waiting, even the kids.

  “Lyrics wrote this song about ten years ago, when we first started doing gigs. It’s amazing how even though it has always been one of my favorites, its meaning has never meant as much to me as it does right now.” The family fills the room with aww’s and oohs.

  I look at Lyrics and she mouths, “I love you.” Time feels like it stops.

  “I love you,” I mouth back. “Okay, here we go.” Of course, another round of applause roars through the living room. We both smile. Feels great to really smile again.

  ‘Exactly What I Need Tonight’

  ♫ Another town, one more gig

  Another drink, another cig.

  Crowded room with screaming girls

  Just trying to survive and pay my bills.

  Don’t give a damn anymore about winning this fight

  Baby, you got exactly what I need tonight.

  Chorus – Your long hair surrounding me, arms and legs twisted with mine

  The smile you give me when I get out of line.

  Taking me places only you can do

  Year’s together but still feels brand new.

  I give up, don’t care to win this fight

  Baby, you are exactly what I need tonight.

  Eight hours on this tour bus, feel so alone

  Staring out into nothing, counting the miles until home.

  The small talk and laughter, just a way to kill time

  Unlock the front door cause I’m coming to make you mine.

  Chorus – Your long hair surrounding me, arms and legs twisted with mine

  The smile you give me when I get out of line.

  Taking me places only you can do

  Year’s together but still feels brand new.

  I give up, don’t care to win this fight

  Baby, you are exactly what I need tonight.

  There’s nobody that makes me need the way that I need you

  Nobody loves me the way that you do.

  So, forget about arguing, forget about our fight

  Baby, you are everything I need tonight.♫

  Between the shaky voice and tears I’m fighting back, I realize how goddamn good it feels to sing with her again, to be us again. For the first time in weeks, I am me, we are we. I set my guitar down and reach for Lyrics. She hesitates to move toward me and it’s obvious that she is working just as hard as I am, making sure not one teardrop falls. As I step closer to her, I feel her warm breath tickle my neck, and my heartbeat slows down from the familiarity. Those beautiful blue eyes, so deep with love, confusion, and loyalty. My fingers lace through the back of her hair and I pull her into my chest as she releases a sigh that makes my heart practically stop beating. Her soft lips press against mine and my arms wrap aroun
d her so tightly that I forget about our entire family focusing directly on us.

  As my hand finds its way to the small of her back, Mom gives a courtesy cough and then says, “Who’s ready for dinner?” Lyrics smiles and pulls her head away but I pull her back in. The way her mouth responds to me sends electricity from my head to my balls, and pretty much stays right at the ball area. Her wet tongue on mine is driving me crazy. This is the kiss I’ve been craving for months now. I’m an idiot! She’s been here wanting to stand by my side and all I have done is push her away. I can’t fucking leave her, she is truly my other half. No matter where I’d run to, she’d always be there in my head and in my heart. I belong with her. I can’t believe I almost let Jennifer win. Here I’ve been just thinking about myself and how pathetic I am to let something like that happen to me, and Lyrics has been right here for me.

  Finally, feel like myself again, I take Lyric’s hand and tell the family we’ll be right back.

  Lyrics asks, “Where are you taking me?”

  I smile and say, “What, a guy can’t swing with his best friend anymore?” I can feel her smile without even looking at her.

  We sit on the swing, facing each other. For some reason, I am scared to death.

  Lyrics places her hand on my knee and says, “You know you are all kinds of messed up, right?”

  I smile and say, “Yeah, babe, I know. That’s kind of what I’d like to talk to you about.”

  Lyrics looks away from me and says with hesitation, “Right now? You know they’re waiting on us in there.”

  I nod and say, “It’s fine. They’re fine. Listen, Lyrics, I really need to talk to you.”

  She interrupts me and says, “Tan, are you breaking up with me? Did you fucking bring me out on our swing to break up with me?”

  I say with a smile, “I should, but no, I can’t. Just let me get this shit off my chest, please. I have a lot to say and I just need you to listen to me. Please.”

  Her face turns statuesque and she says with absolute clearness, “I’m listening.”