by Amy Brent
Sometimes I would be a little louder if I heard her on the phone with him, asking her something completely unnecessary. I saw the frosty looks she gave me when I broke into their talks, even though it didn’t happen often. She was professional about work, and after that first time I never saw him there again.
I hoped he had asked about me though. A man like me was intimidating to anybody, particularly a guy like him with an incredibly sexy girlfriend. That was simple math, and I used it to give Brian doubts whenever I could. I’d set the ball in motion the night we met, and I’d seen the insecurity in his eyes.
I came in after meeting Molly for lunch to see roses on her desk again a few weeks after we ended. It was the same tired two dozen blooms in a cheap glass vase, making me roll my eyes. The card was on her desk, and I glanced around to see who was around, leaning over when I realized a lot of people were still out to lunch.
I am so happy you said yes, baby. I love you and I am going to prove it for the rest of my life. B
What the fuck? Did he propose to her? They’ve been back together for a month, if that. Anger rose inside me as I stomped into my office and closed the door, pacing for a few minutes.
I sat down at my desk and grabbed my phone, sending a text as I felt some relief wash over me. I set the phone down, waiting for the chime as I glanced at the screen and smiled.
Something had to be enough for me . . . something other than Lily.
I stayed in my office for the afternoon, even though I wanted to look at her left hand. I kept reminding myself that whether she had a ring on her finger didn’t matter at all to my life. It was her choice.
Screw that. We were good together, and I missed the feeling of her body against mine. My emotions were at war, and I stared blankly at the computer as I tried to focus on the research I was working on. Damn it. I didn’t have time to think about this shit, since I had a new client to meet with and had to have my facts straight.
I went to the meeting angry and sent Lily an instant message asking her to compile a fact sheet on the business of interest. I could do it, but I wanted her busy. Of course, she responded with an assurance that she would get right to it, which made me more livid.
Did Lily look at Brian the way she used to look at me? Did she come as hard with him as she did with me?
I did sneak out for some coffee for a quick break from staring out the window, and I looked over at her as she was typing. I tried to see her hand, but she glanced at me with a suspicious look on her face. “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” I replied, looking away as I left to go to the break room. I slammed my cup down before I fixed my coffee, noticing the silence that settled around me. I looked around to see Lauren staring at me from the fridge with a glint in her eyes.
“Feeling frustrated, Landon? Do you need a little relief?” Her voice was sultry and ineffective, and I gave her a dark stare. “I can help you with that.”
“I think we’ve discussed that matter,” I murmured before I dismissed her presence with a cold look and left. Going for Lauren would bring the ultimate pain to Lily, but I didn’t want to fuck up at work that way.
I wondered when I became such an asshole as I walked back into my office. I had been broken beyond belief after losing Madeline and our baby. I’d been bitter, angry, and I’d slept with anything that had a pussy once I finally left my house. It had been similar with Nadine apart from all the grief. I didn’t consider her too much of a loss.
Lily was a whole different animal. She reminded me just enough of Madeline to make my heart ache, but she was her own person as well and was unlike so many women her age. She shone like a star compared to most of the bitches who worked here, as well as the ones I went home with from any given bar. Lily was complex and ahead of her time, in my opinion. She was everything I’d been looking for without realizing it since I lost Madeline.
It just seemed like too much was stacked against us for it to ever work.
I looked at my computer at around four thirty, knowing my hired woman would be arriving soon. It wasn’t something I always did, but I needed experience and skill tonight. I wanted a woman who was open to anything and for Lily to see it. Didn’t jealousy work sometimes with a woman? I heard a tap at my door and a familiar voice calling out my name, so I told Jennifer to come inside. She looked hot in a blue dress with flawless makeup on her face, and I watched her walk over to my desk as she looked around. “Being at the office is different.”
“I just needed a break in my day. Late night and all,” I said as she walked around and sat on the desk in front of me. The view was great, but I stood and held out my hand. “Let’s go to the couch. We can have a lot more fun over there.” She chuckled and walked with me, falling noisily onto the leather as I smiled.
Lily
The days passed by as I fought my lingering feelings for Landon and tried to focus on Brian. He had moved in over the last couple of weeks, and it comforted me to sleep in bed with him at night. He was tender with me as if he thought I might break, though, which was something I needed to change. I wanted it the way Landon used to fuck me, if only for the familiar feeling. Brian didn’t know that part of me, not truly. It was time to introduce it to him so maybe I could finally stop thinking about Landon. Seeing that woman going into his office and hearing the beginnings of what they were doing had really affected me in ways that I never expected. I’d thought that I was over him when I chose Brian.
Life was complicated, but I was too stubborn to leave such a good job because I’d screwed up. We weren’t the first two people to mix business with pleasure, nor the last. We could both move past this.
I glanced at Landon’s closed door as I arrived to the office one day, thankful no more women had come to the building. I knew he was busy away from work, and I still envied those women, but I tried to push away my feelings.
I couldn’t help but think about all we’d talked about, reminding me that it had been more than on office tryst.
I threw myself into being with Brian: cooking dinner together, going out on dates, and trying to spice up our sex life. We were young and there was a lot to do—something I’d learned from my older man.
Brian was willing to experiment, but I still thought of Landon.
I noticed Landon on the street with a redhead on a regular basis in the next couple of months, and I hid the truth from Brian about why I initiated sex every night before bed. I demanded more from him each time, pleased with his enthusiasm but still missing the man I’d given up. The days and nights started to blend together, and I finally accepted Jasmine’s invitation for dinner and drinks one night to get a break.
We left the office together and walked over to a local pub she had recently discovered and loved. I looked around at the large main room with tables, a massive bar, several television sets, and even a stage for live music. “I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever,” I said as we found a table in the back and settled into the comfortable bench seats.
“You’ve been playing house. How’s that going?” she asked, her green eyes twinkling. Jasmine had a new boyfriend of about a month herself and was crazy about him.
“It’s nice, you know? We seem to be so much more about each other now and like real adults. We cook dinner and stuff, and it’s comforting,” I said as she searched my face. She knew I’d gone home with Landon that night and eventually ended it, and she’d helped me through the harder parts of the process. She was the only person I’d told about Landon to this day, knowing Brian could never know about us.
“Is everything okay with you and the boss?” she asked as I stared at the table.
“He had a woman come to the office a few weeks ago. She looked so polished and beautiful, and the bitch had the nerve to wink at me. I wonder if he told her to do that to get deeper under my skin.” I knew pain was written on my face as I raised my eyes to look at her. “Did I make the right choice?”
“I can’t answer that, but this way you have the guy and the job? Both
are important to you, aren’t they?” Her voice prodded me, making me nod. “Things would change with a different choice, and that might not be what you want. Give it a little time and see what happens.”
“Yeah, you’re right. It’s just new and everything is changing so much.” Jasmine smiled and handed me a menu. We ordered some drinks and dinner and she told me about her new guy, glowing as her voice rose with happiness. I was comfortable with Brian, content, but I didn’t glow like Jasmine did. We’d also been together about seven months longer than Jasmine and her boyfriend. I felt like I glowed with Landon, but he was so forbidden that it made it hotter. Surely seven months down the line, we wouldn’t be like that anymore. I would be in a different position that might not be right for me, that payed less or maybe didn’t look as good on a resume. I went to college to get a great job and this was it. I needed it for the next step, and leaving it made me worry. What if the truth got out there and people knew Landon and I were involved? I didn’t want that anywhere near my name, and if I stayed on as just Landon’s assistant, there wouldn’t be any suspicions and consequently no rumors.
At least I hoped so. I trusted Landon enough not to talk about us, because he told me he wouldn’t. I thought he cared about me enough to keep his word.
Jasmine and I were finishing our third round of drinks when I looked up to see Landon passing the window with his friends. He was also with a woman, and his arm kept her close to his side as he laughed at something someone said. I watched for a long moment, and Jasmine caught on to what I was doing. She looked and then frowned as she smiled at me. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I can’t be with him no matter how I look at it. I must accept that, and it isn’t like Brian is a bad guy. He has been trying hard with me and being what I wanted him to be back then, which is originally what led me to Landon. Right? Women cheat when they don’t get what they need at home…or men, for that matter.” I never did deal with the fact that I had cheated, and I felt a wave of emotion hit me. “Why did I do that to him? I am not that person, Jasmine. I never considered it before and I didn’t then. It just happened.” Tears flooded my eyes, and I was surprised by the strength of my guilt and sadness. “What did I do?”
“Oh, sweetie.” Jasmine came around to my side of the table and hugged me as I let the wall of grief finally break. I cried for a few minutes, knowing people were staring at me but letting them go with the emotional-girl theory. Fuck them. I needed this after the tumultuous last few months, since the guilt and pain affected every part of my soul. I need to let it lift so I could see clearly what I had in front of me and appreciate it. Like the good friend she was, Jasmine stroked my hair and assured me that life just happened. It wasn’t always pretty or easy, quite the opposite. It was hard and fucked up, and we learned something from all of it.
When I was calm, she remained by my side and we toasted to the future.
We left around an hour later, and I felt lighter somehow. I felt like I could tackle things as I grabbed a cab and rode home to my apartment . . . our apartment. It was set up for us as a team and a couple, with the second bedroom turned into an office and something of a reading room. My apartment wasn’t big, but I did live in New York, so that was typical and everyone just made it work. Brian and I had a plan to get something else down the line once he got a couple of promotions and we could afford something bigger.
I gave the driver a large bill with a smile as I got out of the back and hurried into my building and up the flight of stairs. I unlocked the door to our second story apartment, pushing it open as I glanced inside. The light was on in the kitchen, and I closed and locked the door. “Bri?”
“Hi, babe. I’m just watching TV. How was dinner?” he asked as I dropped my purse on the bistro table and went into the living room, where he was on the couch watching a movie.
“Dinner was good and the drinks were even better.” I’d cleaned up my face before I left, and the cold water I’d splashed around my eyes had helped with the redness. I thought I might pass as being happy, though I really did feel a lot better now.
“You cabbed it home, right?” he asked as he looked at me, and I nodded with a smile. I snuggled close to him and he wrapped his arm around me. “Good.” Brian kissed my hair. “I love you too much to lose you.”
“How do you know that?” I asked him dreamily as I draped my arm over his bare stomach.
“I started realizing it toward the end when things were falling apart. I knew I fucked up when I lost you, and that was when I decided to woo you. I’m glad it worked.” He grinned as I looked at him. I remembered meeting him at a party eight months ago and being taken by him immediately as we talked closely all night. He had been funny and easy to talk to, and we’d started dating right away. I had been looking for a job at the time so I could start paying for my apartment with a paycheck instead of grants and the money left to me by my parents. Looking back, I knew I’d been stressed out from the pressure, and maybe that contributed to our ending and, consequently, the affair. Tonight made me wonder more than ever if I should tell Brian about it. I was somewhat certain it was over with Landon, that I wouldn’t fall for his charms again, so I just didn’t see any reason to reveal the truth to Brian right now, not when we were working through everything. I liked my job and the experience it was giving me, and I didn’t want to give it up.
It had nothing to do with the fact that, in some twisted fashion, I enjoyed seeing Landon every day.
I distracted myself from my thoughts by leaning forward and kissing Brian tenderly, knowing he’d respond. I was right; Brian kissed me with a growing passion as our tongues danced together.
Landon
Once we shared the night together after meeting at a bar, I found myself seeing Candy regularly. It had a lot to do with the fact that she was a little young and clingy but great in bed. I just went with it, enjoying the feel of a regular warm body in my bed even if it wasn’t Lily’s. She was obviously moving on even though I had determined she was not wearing a ring on her left hand. If I’d seen one, I might have asked her if she had a fucking clue what she was doing.
She had said yes to something, but I didn’t know what that something was. I just knew that flowers appeared on her desk periodically, so I didn’t feel bad when Candy came in for lunch one day, inadvertently meeting Lily.
Lily looked bothered by it. A sick part of me was glad that pain flashed across her face when I closed my door and led Candy to the elevator. It had been three months since I’d touched her, and I was pleased that Lily missed me, making me turn around to look at her again. She was looking down at her desk, sadness sprawled across her face, and something tugged inside me as I forced myself to listen to some idea Candy had for the night. We boarded the elevator car and I watched Lily as she looked up when the door slid closed.
She looked miserable.
I came back from lunch to find her desk empty, and I assumed she was on her own lunch break. Lily preferred a later one, and I noticed that she often left after I was gone on mine. Did that make the time we were apart longer, something I was all too aware of? I went into my office and closed the door to start some research on a new company. It was more complicated than expected given the way my mind was racing with thoughts of Lily—mixed with the hand job I’d received at lunch today in a back booth. I knew what else I would be getting later tonight, after dinner and drinks with Candy.
I sighed. Candy was beautiful, but she was empty if I compared her to Lily. Any woman would be. I knew the interest would fade in time, just like it would with anyone other than Lily. I knew what I wanted, but Lily didn’t feel the same way.
After fighting with my futile efforts, I sent Lily a message asking her to come into the office. She walked inside and I looked her over, my eyes resting on the clingy material of her red dress that covered her breasts and waist as she blushed. “What did you need?”
“I want to compile something on a new company,” I said, watching her scowl slightly. We had been a great t
eam regarding everything office related before the end of our relationship, but I could see the doubt on her face.
“Okay. Tell me about them.” She settled herself at the table where the laptop she used waited and turned it on. “Is there something difficult about them?”
“Not particularly. I think it’s me today,” I admitted, and she gave me a slow, curious look.
“Does the woman cloud up your mind?” she asked softly as she turned her gaze away and logged into her computer with loud taps of her fingers.
“A woman,” I responded as her shoulders slumped. “Have you looked into the quarterly meeting and all that comes along with it?”
“I have the information. I was going to make reservations soon. Do you want to attend all of the social events?” Lily asked as I took in her soft hair, highlighted with subtle caramel tones that shone in the light from the window.
“Yes. It’s required of me to begin with, though I think you’ll enjoy yourself as well.” I hoped her boyfriend either wouldn’t or couldn’t attend, though guests were mildly frowned upon anyway. This was all business, and any of the fun events were for colleagues only, leaving spouses and significant others to feel left out.
“It looks like a nice long weekend. I can’t believe they have it in Belize,” Lily murmured as I smiled. It was always in a great place since we were so successful as a firm.
“It makes it a good mix of business and pleasure, as well as being a beautiful place. It’s one of my favorite travel destinations.” I had many memories of Belize, both as a married man as well as a single one. I preferred the latter ones, but this year I knew I was caught painfully between the two.