by Izzy Bayliss
“Morning,” I grunted.
“Yes, good morning, Lily.” She dropped Tom’s hand instantly as if she had been caught in the midst of some lewd act.
I sat down at the breakfast table between Jacob and Joshua and ate the homemade sugar-free muesli that tasted like cardboard, sprinkled with Goji berries, which Clara insisted I eat. Clara asked the boys which placemat they wanted from their range of educational ones. Jacob chose one with musical notes on it - Joshua chose an alphabet one.
“Ni-ni have zoo one,” Joshua said to Clara. She passed me a vinyl mat covered with zoo animals and their corresponding names. I felt like the third child.
Clara and Tom were like love’s young dream, and I nearly vomited when I saw him playfully tip Clara on the bum while she juiced some oranges, when he thought I wasn’t looking. They had obviously done a lot more than just kissing and making up last night.
Just then my phone rang and I saw it was Sam. My face went red as if Clara knew who it was. I didn't want to answer it.
“Auntie Ni-ni, your phone is ringing,” the boys chorused.
I continued to let it ring, ignoring them.
“Well aren't you going to get that, Lily?” Clara said eventually.
I stepped out into Clara’s hallway to take it so that she wouldn’t be able to listen in on the conversation.
“Hi there, how are you?”
“I’m at a loose end later and I was just ringing to find out if you were doing any karaoke performances tonight?” Sam asked.
I found myself softening towards him. He was a nice guy, it's just the timing was all wrong, but that wasn't his fault.
“Nope,” I laughed. “Right now I’m trying to emulate Harry Houdini and escape my demon sister.”
“She can’t be that bad?”
“Oh believe me she is.”
“Do you want me to come and rescue you?”
“You're okay, don't worry. She'll drop me home soon.”
“I don't mind honestly.”
“Are you sure?” I said hesitantly. After all who knew how long I'd have to wait for Clara to find the time in her busy day to drive me back to Ballyrobin.
“Where does she live?”
“Twenty-six Shrewsbury Avenue.”
“I'll be there in twenty minutes.” He had hung up before I had the chance to change my mind.
I went back into the kitchen and told Clara that there was a bus due soon. She seemed quite happy to let me make my own way home, and after I had said goodbye to her, Tom and the boys, I walked out into the cool morning air. I breathed in deeply as I walked down Clara’s gravelled driveway towards the road. I wanted to meet Sam at the gate because I knew if Clara saw a member of the opposite sex picking me up, she’d have a field day.
Soon after a blue Audi sports car pulled up beside me.
“Get in, Rapunzel.”
I sat on the soft leather seat, and this time there wasn’t a squeak to be heard. I let out a long sigh as he drove me back to Ballyrobin.
“I can’t believe you live all the way out here,” he said as we passed field after field of countryside.
“Why does everyone always say that?”
“Maybe because it’s miles away?”
When we reached my estate I invited him in. We went into the house, and I had a bit of panic when I realised that all the photos in my living room were of me with superimposed celebrities over Marc's face – he would think I was a complete loon if he saw them. I grabbed the one of Ryan Reynolds and I off the coffee table and moved it up to a high shelf. Thankfully he needed to use the bathroom, so I was able to whizz around the place hiding the rest of them.
When he came back out we sat on the kitchen chairs drinking the pot of tea that I made for us both. I had some of my orange cake in the fridge, and I cut us both a slice. As I spilled out what had happened with Clara earlier on, Sam listened in horrified amazement. “Poor Tom,” he had said finally.
“I know – If I was him, I think I’d run away rather than face the wrath of Clara when she had been disobeyed.”
“I just can’t believe a person like that actually exists though.”
“Ah I suppose she’s not the worst.”
He shot me a look. “Well you’re not selling her to me anyway.”
“This cake is divine, Lily - it's just perfect.”
“I need a name for it actually.”
“Well what about Lily's Heavenly Orange Cake?”
I smiled. “I like it.”
We chatted loads more, just like we had the last time. We still hadn’t run out of things to say to each other. He told me about his job in First Ireland Bank, I told him how I’d been fired from Rapid Response and then set up Baked with Love. He mentioned he had gone out with a girl for four years but they broke up six months ago because the spark was gone. It was all very amicable – they had turned into friends rather than lovers, and in the end they had both decided to call it a day. I still didn’t mention Marc. We stayed there for two hours, talking about everything.
When it was time to go I walked out to the door with him.
“I really like you, Lily,” he said suddenly and then leant over to kiss me. I felt the brush of his dark stubble against my cheek, and for a minute I seemed to forget where I was, who I was with. Then it hit me what I was doing. I pulled back straight away. “I'm sorry, Sam – I can’t –” I whispered.
He looked stunned. “Right . . . look sorry, Lily . . . I obviously got it wrong, sorry. No hard feelings, yeah?” His large brown eyes were crestfallen and I knew he was wondering how he had misjudged it so badly. I felt terrible, absolutely awful. I didn’t want to hurt him and I hoped he didn’t think I had led him on. The thing was we got on so well – I really enjoyed his company and I loved being around him, but I just wasn’t ready to move on again. It was too soon. I watched him take the steps down to the car park two at a time before going back inside and closing the door.
***
The next day the doorbell rang and when I opened it there was a delivery guy standing there with twenty-four long stemmed red roses. I assumed they were for my neighbours, and was about to point him in the right direction when he asked if I was Lily McDermott. They were for me.
I read the card, which simply said:
“I can wait . . . Sam xx”
Dumbfounded I took the flowers from him and went back inside. I felt awful. My heart somersaulted, and I felt sick with guilt every time I thought about it. You see the thing was I really liked him, I enjoyed his company, he was fun to be around and he made me feel good about myself. He laughed at my jokes and he was always paying me compliments, just little things like saying how my dress was lovely or my hairstyle suited me, but it had been so long since anyone had done that and I wasn't used to the attention. I couldn't let myself go back there again. I couldn't open myself up to anyone so soon after Marc. It had only been five months, for God's sake.
I was actually blown away as I read and re-read the card. It was one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for me – he clearly sensed that I had got cold feet, and to go out on a limb like that made me like him even more. However I didn’t want to like him. The last thing I needed was to have my heart broken by two men in a row. Every time I thought about him I felt jittery inside. It was too soon though – Marc and I had only been separated for a few months. I didn’t want to lead him on any more, but I had to acknowledge the flowers, so I dialled his number.
“Thank you for the flowers – you really shouldn’t have,” I said when he picked up.
“I hope everything is okay?” he asked nervously.
I smiled. “I don’t deserve them.”
“Well, to me, you do. How are you feeling?”
“Like shit.”
“Do you want me to come over – I can bring a DVD? We can just chill - no pressure –” he added quickly.
“I’m sorry, Sam but I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Even though I would have loved nothing more than to s
ee him, I needed to nip things in the bud right then, because I knew what would happen if I let it grow into something more. It would just be another disaster in a long line of Lily McDermott type disasters. Sam was a nice guy, he was one of the good ones, but I didn't need anymore stress in my life.
“Okay no worries, Lily.”
The disappointment in his voice was unmistakable. I longed to be able to tell him that I was sorry, and to come over and we could spend the whole night laughing and talking, but instead I found myself saying goodbye and hanging up the phone. I was doing the right thing I told myself - it was going to be head over heart for once in my life.
Chapter 26
In the days that followed, I felt miserable. For every cake I made, I ate one. I didn’t know why I was feeling so glum, but it wasn’t a nice feeling. I went out for cocktails with Frankie, because cocktails always made me feel better, but even they didn’t work. I couldn’t sleep at night; I spent all night lying awake and thinking of Sam’s bright smile. I was afraid to let myself like him, because I knew as soon as I did, then it would all go wrong. The funny thing was that I seldom thought much of Marc anymore except when it came to our mortgage, and the fact that soon I was going to have to face up to my problems.
Mrs G had rung me a couple of times. She was dumbfounded by the behaviour of her own son. She had learnt of Nadia's pregnancy from another magazine, and she was devastated. It broke my heart seeing him mistreating the woman who had brought him into the world so badly. She had been almost like a mother to me at times. I felt awful for her because I knew she had given Marc everything a mother possibly could, but he still didn’t care about her feelings. If I ever had a son, I would hope that he’d treat me with a bit more respect than the way Marc treated his Mum at times.
Dad, although unaware of Sam, knew I was going through a low patch, and he brought me out for lunch to cheer me up. We went to my favourite restaurant from when I was a little girl, Carlito’s. I ordered their Hawaiian pizza and the chef, Carlito, put the pineapple into a smiley face for me like he had been doing since I was a toddler. I forced a smile for his sake. I took a bite of pizza, but I wasn’t in form for it and I pushed the plate away. I stirred the ice in my coke with my straw.
“What’s wrong with you, Lily?” Dad asked. “I’m worried about you.”
“I think I like someone else,” I blurted.
“I see,” Dad said taken aback. “Who is he?”
“Do you remember Sam, the guy in Clontarf where we dropped off the dinosaur cake?”
“But he’s married, Lily!” Dad was horrified.
“No – that’s what I thought too, but that woman is actually his sister.”
“Oh I see. Well that’s alright then.”
“He’s wonderful, Dad. He makes me feel so good about myself. But it’s too soon!”
He shrugged his shoulders.
“Do you think people are like Tupperware Dad?”
“How do you mean?”
“Well there is a lid for everyone –”
“A lid for everyone?” He looked bewildered.
“Like everyone has a perfect fit out there? I’ve always thought there is one person out there for everyone, but maybe not?”
“Oh I see what you mean – well yeah, I like to think so but sure I’m an ‘oul romantic. You know your mother was the only woman I ever loved and I haven’t even so much as looked at another one since.”
“I know, Dad.”
“We were so good together your mother and I. She was my best friend too.” He had a sadness in his eyes. “She was a real lady, it took me months to work up the courage just to ask her out, y’know.”
“I miss her too. Every day. Especially at times like this - I’d love to be able to ask her what I should do.”
“And she’d say just the right thing too – far better than me.”
I smiled at him.
“You’re more and more like her every day. I bet she’s smiling down on you right now.”
“I hope so, Dad”
“Oh she is – I’m sure of it.”
I took a sip of my drink and put it down again. “I’m so scared to let myself like anyone else again.”
“Look, Lily – you have to take a risk with love. You have to open your heart to let someone in, or else how will they get in?”
“But what if I get hurt again?”
"Look why don’t you give him a chance – take it slow.”
“But what will people say – I’m not even six months separated!”
“Who gives a toss what they say – let them talk, what does it matter? I think it's about time you gave yourself permission to be happy again, Lily.”
Chapter 27
When I went home that evening I flopped down on the sofa and exhaled heavily. I thought about what Dad had said to me about giving myself permission to be happy. I was scared about moving on and exposing my whole self to somebody new. But was Dad right? Was it time to take a chance and open my heart to Sam? I had been hurt so badly before, and the worst part of it all was the devastating shock – the blow that I had not seen coming, the trust that Marc had stolen from me. I didn't think I could ever feel secure in another relationship – Marc had robbed that from me. I looked up at the photo of Mam smiling down at me from the bookshelves. I wondered what she would say to me if she were here today. That's one of the things I missed about not having a mother to talk to. Dad was great but I envied people who could go to their mothers for advice, or just to have them lend a listening ear.
Then I thought of Sam with his honest and open face where I couldn't imagine any secrets or lies hiding, but I had been fooled before and as the saying goes “once bitten, twice shy.” The sensible part of me said that, in the interests of self-preservation, I should never let another man into my heart, but God I longed to just do it, jump right in and have Sam take me in his strong arms. I wanted to feel the firmness of his lips against mine, the brush of his stubble against my cheek.
I knew I was completely crazy rushing into a new relationship so soon after my marriage ended, but I couldn't stop myself, and with shaking hands I picked up the phone and dialled Sam's number. My heart was racing and I thought about hanging up again.
“Lily?” He sounded surprised to hear from me. “How are you?”
Just hearing his voice made me feel calmer. There was something about Sam that told me, it would be okay – he wasn't like Marc.
I took a deep breath. “You know when you said you'd wait for me?”
“Yeah?”
“Well I think I'm ready now,” I practically whispered.
“Really?” I could almost hear the smile in his voice. I imagined the broad grin that was spreading across his face.
“Uh-huh,” I said laughing.
“You won't regret this I promise!” he said excitedly. I was so glad to hear that after my rejection of him, he still hadn’t given up on me.
***
The following morning my doorbell rang and when I answered it, Sam was standing there.
“I thought you might like this,” he said smiling at me as he handed me a chocolate cake in the shape of a heart. The top of it was covered with halved strawberries held in place with a thick chocolate ganache.
“You’re always baking for everyone else so I thought it might be nice for someone to bake for you for a change.” He handed the cake to me and I was lost for words.
“Thank you,” I said, genuinely touched. “Come in.”
He followed me inside and we sat down on the sofa.
“Did you make it yourself?” I asked amazed.
“I sure did – I don’t know how you do it, Lily. It took me ages to get it right.”
“Well it looks great, hang on until I grab a knife and we can try some.”
I went into the kitchen, grabbing the photo of Bressie and me off the hall console table and stuffing it into the drawer underneath as I passed.
I brought back two plates, forks and a knife and cut us
both a slice.
“Well – be honest,” he said as I chewed a forkful.
“It tastes good.”
“Really?” He looked chuffed with himself.
“Uh-huh,” I nodded. “Things always taste better when someone makes them for you.”
He grinned. “Now when you’re finished that I’m bringing you to the beach.”
“The beach?”
“Yep – Lily, it's a beautiful day out there and I’m not taking no for an answer.”
I started to laugh. “I haven’t been to the beach in years!”
“I don’t believe it!” He was horrified. “Well then we’re definitely going, no ifs, ands or buts.”
I quickly put on my converse trainers and threw a cardigan into my bag in case it got cold later. I didn't have time to bother with my hair or make-up.
Even though it was late September, it was a bright, sunny day and I had to put on my sunglasses to avoid the glare through the car windscreen as Sam drove us towards the coast. When we finally pulled up on the strand road, it was hard to get a parking spot. The road was busy with families unloading their cars, keen to enjoy one of the last warm days of the year before winter came around the corner.
“You've thought of everything,” I said as I watched him take out a picnic basket and a rug from the boot of his car.
As we strolled along the wooden boardwalk leading down to the strand, I wasn’t sure where we slotted in among all the families and couples. We weren’t exactly together; we hadn't even kissed yet but you couldn't really say we were just friends either.
We found an empty patch on the honeycomb coloured sand, Sam spread out the blanket and we sat down onto it. He handed me a roll with ham and cheese and it tasted great in the fresh sea air.
We sat there enjoying the sound of waves crashing and breaking on the shore in front of us, while children ran across the beach, zigzagging around people. After a while Sam suggested we go for a walk. I followed him as we climbed up through a path in the dunes. We climbed higher still until Sam came to a stop at the top, he reached down for my hand and pulled me up to stand beside him. I looked down at the beach that was now far below us.