by Izzy Bayliss
“I can’t do it,” I pulled back instantly. “I’m sorry, Marc – I can’t do it.” I thought of Sam and his smiling eyes that I loved so much. The way his lips felt against mine. That was what I wanted. I wanted Sam. I belonged with Sam.
“What?”
“Sorry, Marc – everything has finally just clicked into place for me,” I moved out from underneath him and sat up feeling ecstatic.
“But, Lily, you were giving me signs there, I wasn’t imagining it!”
“Sorry, Marc I’m not trying to mess you around honestly. It’s over now . . . for good. I’m sorry.”
“But, Lily – you’re my wife. Come on – we’re Marc and Lily, Lily and Marc. We’ll be just how we used to be!”
“Exactly – that is exactly it! I can’t go back there. Look, Marc the last few months have been so hard for me but I’ve come out the other side of it and I’m a stronger person for it. I wish you all the best – I really do and you’ll always have a special place in my heart you know that – we can’t just erase fifteen years.”
“I just can’t believe it. Are you serious, Lily? If this is some kind of ploy to make me beg you back then it’s not funny.”
“I’m sorry, Marc – we’re done. Go back to, Nadia – try and make a go of it for the sake of the baby. Please, Marc – you have a chance to do the right thing here.” I squeezed his hand in mine.
His looked stunned as he got up off the sofa and walked back out the door and left our apartment.
After Marc had gone, instead of feeling sad I just felt relieved. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. For the first time the decision hadn’t been made for me – I had made it myself. Everything was finally clear. I knew now what I wanted.
There was one person I needed to talk to. I picked up the phone and dialled Sam’s number straight away.
“Lily! How are you feeling?” Just hearing his voice on the other end of the phone made me smile.
“Much better thanks – everything is much better now,” I practically sang down the phone to him. I felt bad lying to him like that, but it had taken seeing Marc earlier to realise that it was finally finished between us.
“Glad you’re feeling better. I was worried you wouldn’t be well enough for our trip tomorrow.”
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“I’m looking forward to it myself – just me and you together with no distractions.”
“Sounds like heaven.”
“Make sure you wrap up warmly – the forecast says it’s going to snow.”
“Really? Ooh I love snow!”
“Me too. Well get a good night’s sleep, and I’ll pick you up at nine, if that’s okay – I want to get down there before the weather gets bad, and at least we’ll have the rest of the day ahead of us.”
“I can’t wait.”
“Okay, well sleep tight, my dear.”
“You too, see you in the morning.”
I had decided to tell Sam about my marriage as soon as I saw him in the morning before we set off for Clare. I needed to get this secret out in the open, I was sick of carrying the weight of it with me. It was nearly the start of a new year and I wanted a fresh start with Sam. I just hoped he felt strongly enough about me not to run a mile.
Chapter 36
I hopped out of bed the next morning and pulled up the blind letting the string ping as it wound itself up. The ground as far as the eye could see was covered in soft white snow. It made my cardboard box housing estate look pretty, and that was saying something. Everything was remarkably still and quiet outside. I stared at the falling flakes, enthralled. I felt like a giddy child with excitement. I couldn’t wait to get away with Sam.
The cottage had sounded blissful when he had described it to me; set up on the cliff top all on its own; open fires with the crashing waves of the Atlantic down below. Mobile phones didn’t work there so we could really switch off. There was no TV either, so Sam was bringing books and board games. I was looking forward to ringing in the New Year, just Sam and I together with no interruptions. I imagined cosy nights by the open fire, mugs of steaming hot chocolate – it reminded me to grab marshmallows from the press so we could toast them on the fire. The snow made everything much more romantic.
It was so strange to think that this time last year I had been getting ready to marry Marc. If you had of told me that my marriage would be over but that I’d already be happy with someone new, I would have had you committed. However I didn’t feel sad about it – of course I was sad that my marriage had failed after such a short time, but I had accepted it and was ready to move on now. Sam had made me happier than I ever could have imagined. I loved being around him. He made me feel good about myself. I had never felt more comfortable with a man, and that included Marc. I didn’t feel self-conscious when I was naked in front of him or that I wasn’t cool enough for his friends whenever we went out with them. This day marked the end of an awful year and good riddance to it. I couldn’t wait to see the arse of it. With the start of a new year, I could start afresh, wipe the slate clean.
I spent ages getting ready that morning. I wanted everything to be just right for our trip together. I had packed my Hunter Wellies because Sam had warned me that the weather would be worse the further west we went. As the forecast was for snow, lots of it, I had my thick wool coats, scarves and hats, jeans and woolly jumpers. And my new fancy-dan underwear too - this weather was not going to get the better of me. I looked at the mountain of stuff I was packing for a three-night break, and knew it wouldn’t fit into my holdall. Why did winter stuff have to be so bulky? I was going to have to go for a full on suitcase, but I didn’t want Sam to think I was insane. I heard the bell ring, and knew it was him so I went out to let him in.
“Hello there,” he said, coming in and taking me in his arms and kissing me deeply.
“I’m nearly ready – well I’m all packed. I just want to jump into the shower.”
“Take your time, but we wouldn’t want to leave it too late to set off – it’s really coming down out there. I hope you’ve packed warm clothes? It’s going to be a cold one. I borrowed Marita's jeep in case the roads are bad.”
I left Sam with a mug of coffee and a plateful of scones while I went back into the bathroom and jumped into the shower. I did my usual multi-tasking ritual - putting conditioner in my hair for the recommended five minutes while I exfoliated and shaved my legs. Then when I had dried myself off, I put on my lovely posh Jo Malone moisturiser all over. I spritzed some perfume into the air and walked into the mist as the droplets fell down around me. Then I put on my jeans, Ugg boots, a pink and beige fair-isle jumper. I dried my hair with the hairdryer, and tied it up loosely into a ponytail. I put on my make-up, keeping it natural, with a bit of blush to have that winter, red-cheeked glow.
“Do I need to bring towels?” I shouted out to Sam. I really hoped I wouldn’t – I’d never fit them in too. He didn’t answer so I went out to the living room. “Sam, do I . . ."
“Hello, Lily,” he said turning towards me. “Happy anniversary.”
He was plonked in the exact same place on the sofa where I had left Sam just half an hour ago, remote in hand.
“What are you doing here, Marc? Where’s Sam?” I said panicked.
“That’s no way to greet your husband on the morning of your first wedding anniversary!” he slurred.
“Are you drunk? How the hell did you get in here?”
“I have a key. Remember? This time last year, Lily, I was standing in the church waiting for you to make me the happiest man alive.”
“Oh leave it out, Marc, spare me the crap – we all know how happy I made you. It only took you a matter of weeks to leave me for someone else.”
“Well, look who’s the kettle calling the pot black. I met Sam. He seems like a nice enough fella – harmless really.”
My blood was boiling.
“Where is he gone, Marc?” I was starting to panic.
“
It didn't take you long to move on! Well it seems that you weren’t entirely honest with your new flame, Lily. I can’t believe you didn’t tell him you were married. I’m quite hurt actually.” He let out a heavy sigh.
“Look here, Marc – I didn’t do this. This was your choice. I did enough waiting around for you to come home and I’m finally moving on again. I won’t let you ruin it for me. No way.”
“We had something special, Lily.”
“No we didn’t, Marc – I thought we did. I thought we were soul-mates but in the short time since I’ve been with Sam it has made me see that what we had wasn’t very special at all.”
“How can you say that, Lily – we were good together? Can we not try again?”
“We weren’t, Marc – being away from you for the last few months has opened my eyes. I'm not the girl I was before. And in case you’ve forgotten Nadia is pregnant with your baby.”
“She kicked me out. I’ve nowhere to go, Lily.”
“Well you’re not coming back here, get that idea out of your head. You haven’t paid a penny to the mortgage or bills. Since you’ve gone, I’ve struggled on my own.”
“Yeah sorry about that – Nadia has every penny I earned gone on buggies and baby-grows.”
“Look I don’t care about that now – tell me what you said to Sam?” I said impatiently.
“I didn’t say anything!”
“Marc, what did you say?”
He knew by my tone not to mess around anymore. “I just said it how it is – that you’re my wife.”
“You bastard,” I roared. “How dare you!”
“Well legally you are,” he said smugly.
“Yes, legally on paper we are husband and wife but that’s all it is – just a bit of paper. There is nothing more to it than that. Nothing!” I was shouting now. “Where did he go?”
He shrugged his shoulders “How the hell am I supposed to know?”
I snatched his key back from his hands and then I told him to get out. I grabbed my phone and dialled Sam’s number, but there was no answer. I hurried down the steps of the duplex past Marc and ran across the car park to see if there was any sign of Marita's jeep. Usually coming outside to freshly fallen snow would have made me ridiculously excited but now it was just a hindrance. I saw Marc’s car, which just made me madder because he was drink driving. As I tried to scan the car park for Sam, all I could see was grey.
I glanced behind me, and saw Marc was still staggering down the steps, which were treacherous with snow.
I could only imagine what was going through Sam's head. What must he have thought about another man just letting himself into my house like that? Whatever Marc had said to him had shocked him enough to make him leave. I knew I should have told him from the start. Now my worst fears had been realised, he had heard it from someone else first. And what was worse was that he had heard it from Marc himself. How awful must he have felt when Marc had told him?
I tried ringing his phone again but it just rang out. God only knew what Marc had said. I cursed myself again for my lack of driving skills. I watched Marc clinging desperately to the side railing as he was still trying to make his way down the icy steps without falling. He finally made it to the bottom and stumbled across the car park towards me. I needed to get to Sam but I couldn’t even ask him for a lift. My phone rang and it was Frankie wishing me a happy New Year before we headed west, as she knew the signal wouldn’t be great.
“What’s wrong, Lily you sound distracted?” she asked.
“It’s Sam – he came over earlier to pick me up, but while I was in the shower Marc called in drunk. By the time I came out he had gone so God only knows what Marc has said to him. I’ve tried phoning him but he’s not answering.”
“Oh God, Lily - you really should have told him before now.”
“I know, Frankie, I know.”
“Well why don’t I come pick you up and bring you to his apartment – I’m sure he’s probably just gone home.”
“Would you? Oh thank you so much, Frankie – you’re a star. I owe you one big time.”
“I’ll leave straight away, try not to worry!”
“Thanks, Frankie.”
***
An hour later I sat anxiously in Frankie's Mini and flicked on the radio. It was one of those seventies hours. I turned it off again as it was getting on my nerves.
“Stop biting your nails,” she scolded.
“Sorry,” I said removing the offending hand from my mouth and sitting on it. I didn’t even realise I was doing it. When we reached Sam’s apartment block she parked up on the kerb and I went inside to the foyer and pressed the buzzer but there was no answer. I pressed it another three times but there was nothing. I wasn’t sure if he just wasn’t there or if maybe he was ignoring me. I went back outside and walked down the ramp into the underground car park to check if his car or Marita's jeep were there but his space was empty. I went back to Frankie’s Mini.
“He’s not there,” I sighed.
“Well what about his sister – the one you made the cake for?”
“Marita – yeah, it's worth a try I suppose.” I didn’t want to tell Marita what had happened. She would think I was the worst girlfriend possible for her brother after breaking up with him out of the blue and now this. I would hate me, if Sam were my brother.
When we reached Bull Island Road, we slowed down as I scanned the house numbers. When we finally came to 99, Frankie pulled into the driveway. I hopped out and pressed Marita’s doorbell.
“Lily, this is a nice surprise but what are you doing here? I thought you and Sam were supposed to be on your way down to the cottage?” She was wearing jersey layers in neutral tones that complemented her peachy toned skin.
“We are – were, but something has happened. I guess he’s not here then?”
“No, he’s not. Don’t you know where he is?” she said worriedly.
“Look, Marita I need to get hold of him urgently if you see him will you tell him to call me?”
“Of course, Lily.” I could tell she was curious as to what was going on. ”Look I don’t want to pry, but is everything okay?”
“I hope so, Marita.” And before she could say anymore I ran and climbed back into Frankie's car.
As we pulled out onto the road again, the snow was falling heavier now and I knew it wouldn’t be long before the traffic came to a standstill as cars began to find it difficult to get around in the weather. I couldn’t ask Frankie to stay out driving me around for much longer. I needed to find him soon.
“No luck then?”
“Nope. I wish he’d just answer his phone!”
“Think, Lily - where would he have gone?”
“That’s what I’m trying to do!”
“Well how about the cottage – would he have gone down there without you?”
“I don’t think he would drive all the way down there on his own.”
“Well what about his friends, do you have any of their numbers?”
“No,” I wailed. “God this is hopeless.”
“Well this snow is getting worse, Lily, I think we’d better head home and maybe he’ll get in touch when he calms down?”
Suddenly I had an idea. “Wait! I just want to try one more place and if he’s not there then we’ll go.”
“Okay, Lily” she sighed. “Where are we going?”
“The beach.”
“The beach? But why on earth would he be there?”
“It’s just a hunch. Please, Frankie.”
She shook her head at me but turned the car around so we were heading towards the strand where Sam had brought me on that sunny September day a few months back.
Visibility was poor as thick flakes rushed up against the screen. Frankie leaned forward to try and see better, but the harder she stared, the more it blinded her, so she gave up and sat back again. We drove dead slow, the roads were slushy and non 4-wheel drive cars were having difficulty getting up even gentle slopes.
; “C’mon,” I shouted at a BMW driver whose rear-wheel drive car was fishtailing across the road in front of us. Finally we reached the deserted car park. There was one other car there, which was covered in a thick blanket of snow but I didn't know if it was Marita's jeep or not. Frankie parked the car, and we picked our steps on the slippery boardwalk leading to the dunes.
“I’m not really dressed for this,” Frankie said. She only had on a light polo neck with a furry gilet over it.
“I won’t be long, I promise.”
“But where are we going, Lily?”
“This way,” I panted.
We bowed our heads and ran on.
“This is madness!” Frankie said. She was trying to keep up with me in her high-heeled boots. I still had my Uggs on so I was okay.
And then I saw his outline. That stature that I loved. He was standing with his back to me just staring into the water.
“Is that him?” Frankie asked completely shocked that I wasn’t losing the plot after all.
“Yes.”
“Well go on – go and talk to him. I'll wait in the car.” She crossed her arms across her body.
I was nervous as hell as I walked up behind him. I tipped his shoulder and he swung around instantly. The hurt in his eyes was unmistakable.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I should have told you.”
“So it’s true then? Were you ever going to tell me? I feel like such a fool.”
“No, Sam please don’t say that.”
“Well how am I supposed to feel?” he asked bitterly. He swung around to face me head on.
“It isn’t like that. We’re separated, we have been for a few months now.”
“But why didn’t you tell me? That’s what hurts the most – some poncy looking arsehole calling himself your husband had to tell me!”
He had only met Marc for five minutes but already had figured out what it took me fifteen years to learn.
“I wanted to tell you – I was going to – on Christmas Eve I was all set to tell you then - but then next door kicked off, and then there were other times too, but we always seemed to be interrupted and I don’t know . . . the moment was gone.”