“Thank you, Kate. Identifying and admitting that one has a problem is the very first step on the road to recovery,” Linda responds, smiling warmly.
Looking to Mel sitting next to me, she gives a minute shake of her head and keeps her eyes trained to the ground. Clearly not wanting to share. I squeeze her knee in silent acknowledgement.
Members of the group facing me nod knowingly, a few offer encouraging smiles. Just by making this admission, I feel a heavy weight lift from my shoulders. I realise too, that blaming myself entirely for Danny’s death was erroneous thinking and by placing this massive burden of guilt on myself, it’s no wonder I’ve buckled under the weight of it. The individuals here who’ve lost a loved one, may or may not have been with them at the time the quake struck. Hearing their personal accounts open my mind and my heart to the fact that it’s nonsensical to be blaming myself entirely. This week has been one in which I’ve experienced a few epiphanies that indicate that although I’ve still got a long road to walk, I can take a step back and see the error of my ways and destructive patterns of thought.
As the meeting continues, I cast covert glances in Mel’s direction. She’s flat-out refused to open up and talk. Her brother’s death, and now this violation of her personal sense of safety, are two very extreme and traumatic life events, which have occurred within a very short space of time of one another.
Later, as we step into the cool September night, a southerly wind catches my breath. I close my eyes to its intensity, feeling spent. Baring one’s soul was both cathartic and mentally exhausting.
Worry for Mel continues to gnaw at my mind that night as I lie in bed wondering if I’ve made the best decision in agreeing to keep her attack a secret.
Surely nothing good could come of this?
~ 1 October 2011 ~
Taking one final look at myself in the bathroom mirror, I leave our unit and step out into the warm October sunshine. It’s my day off and I’m meeting Dominic for lunch at a small coffee shop on Main Street.
The door chime pings as I step into Freshly Ground, which has become my regular provider of a multitude of delectable caffeinated beverages. My eyes take a few seconds to adjust from the bright sunshine outdoors to scanning the room for Dominic. I find him seated at a table on the opposite side of the small cafe. I can see his tanned legs protruding from under the table where he’s seated. He is wearing beige cargo shorts and a button-up navy blue shirt, which does wonderful things for his piercing blue eyes. Our eyes meet across the crowded interior. A heart-stopping smile breaks over his gorgeous face as he stands up. A face that is all masculine planes, angles, stubble, and alive and smiling just from seeing me. Wow.
My knees grow weak as I close the distance between us. The closer I get, the clammier my hands feel, and I’m sure they’re trembling, too.
“Hey, baby. Lookin’ beautiful as always,” he whispers into my hair as he pulls me into a hug.
My senses are assaulted by his smell, the tingle of his hands on my body, and my eyes shut involuntarily.
After placing our order, we catch up with events of the past few days. Dominic is particularly interested in the group session I attended with Mel. I find it incredibly hard to maintain eye contact with him while we speak. My eyes skitter between his perfectly kissable mouth and the potency of his blue eyes, then become distracted once more by the muscles working in his forearms as they tense and ripple when he lifts food to his mouth.
For lunch, we both choose the special-of-the-day: toasted panini with seasonal salad. As we wait for our bill, discussing the recent spate of burglaries in Christchurch, I broach the subject of wishing to buy a few personal alarms. When Mel isn’t out with me, I want her to have some protection.
“Why are you askin’ me about personal alarms, Kate?”
“Uh, just so we girls feel safe, you know?”
“Bullshit, Kate.”
I’ve never been able to lie with a straight face, so something in my expression must have given me away, and Dominic naturally saw right through my attempt at nonchalance. I start fidgeting under his scrutiny.
“Talk to me, darlin’.” Dom isn’t blinking, and doesn’t look like he is breathing for that matter either. Crap.
I can trust Dominic with this knowledge. Just tell him. Somebody else needs to know, she needs to be safe, I reason, nibbling at a fingernail.
“Kate?” Dom still doesn’t appear to have blinked. I swallow thickly.
“Mel was almost raped a few weeks back. Please don’t say anything to any of the guys about this, especially Matt. She’s only just confided in me.”
There I said it, now I brace for his reaction.
Dominic’s demeanour changes the instant the words leave my mouth. He curses, his chair skidding out behind him as he explodes from it. His pupils darken, a mercurial shift from relaxed, as he was a few seconds ago, to enraged as he is now. It’s vibrating off him. A slight hush sweeps through the small cafe as eyes drift over to our table. My heart is pounding in my chest and anxiety grips my core.
“Dominic, you’re making a scene, sit down please.”
He exhales noisily, running his hands through his hair before obliging to sit back down.
“Exactly what and where did this happen, and does she know this fucker personally?” he grinds out in an unnervingly low voice.
“Dominic, I’m trusting you with this information. Please calm down,” I say softly, tentatively daring to slip my hands around his tightly clenched fists. My own hands tremble slightly, the forced calm with which I’m speaking to him, belies the frantic beating of my heart. I’ve never seen Dominic this angry and it scares me. He inhales sharply, battling to get a grip on his temper.
Depthless blue eyes bore into mine, yet at my touch, the fire of fury inside him seems to abate a little. His tight expression softens slightly, and his hands open to hold mine as I tell him the details of what had taken place.
When he does eventually speak, the reason for his volatile outburst becomes very clear.
“While I’m beyond pissed that your friend had this experience, this could have been you in her shoes, darlin’. The odds that you’d run into trouble like this have been very high.”
He is dead right, and I’m really touched that he is this worked up over concern for my safety.
“I know, Dom,” I whisper, eyes burning, but holding his gaze.
“I don’t wanna dwell on that, and I will keep this to myself, for now. But I want your word that you girls wont go out alone under any circumstances. I need your word on this, Kate. You call me immediately should that worthless prick ever darken her path again, or so much as come within ten feet of you.” I promise to keep my word and Dominic arranges personal alarms for us the next day.
~ Mid October. Two weeks later ~
As the weeks pass, and the days grew increasingly warmer and brighter, while still facing an uncertain future, the resilient folk of Christchurch haven’t allowed the pervading sense of powerlessness to keep them down on their knees for long, or strip them of their self-directed sense of humour.
Funny handmade signs can still be seen littered throughout some of the hardest hit areas, with references to the state of the roads and water sources. A homeowner with a great sense of humour placed a giant boulder—naming it Rocky—for sale, on the online auction site, Trade-Me. The offending giant rock had crashed through his lounge wall. Amid much media coverage, it was sold to a ski company for NZD$50,000. The story providing shell-shocked Cantabrians with a much-needed, light-hearted diversion from the daily grind of re-building and healing.
Mel and I continue attending more group sessions. She has started opening up more about her brother’s death. It isn’t only her ability to cope with his death that has me so worried though. She’s not seen Heath again, and never goes out alone, but her dark moods and frosty demeanour have me on edge. Matt is clearly hurt and confused by her aloof behaviour and coldness towards him. But being the fantastic guy he is, he sticks around
and supports her as he’s done since they met.
I so badly want to take him aside and tell him what is wrong, but it isn’t my place. I’ve already told one person too many by confiding in Dominic who’s been super vigilant of us girls whenever we’ve been out ever since.
Last week I had very reluctantly decided to started taking the anti-anxiety medication which had been prescribed for me a few months back. Knowing a friend had been mere seconds away from a rape brought on the heebie-jeebies and bouts of acute apprehension. The tablets have certainly taken the edge off my levels of anxiety and have helped me sleep for longer stretches at night. I wake up feeling a bit groggy, but that is a side effect I can live with.
I find myself looking forward to the group sessions, and Dominic’s presence in my life has a lot to do with this. I still have my bad days, but each new day is more bearable for having Dom in it. He’s called me every night, and just this daily support, coupled with the cognitive behavioural tools learned in group therapy, has helped me tremendously. I am slowly learning to tread the currents of grief, and not be totally overwhelmed by them.
~ Friday 14 October 2011 ~
By the time I arrive at the beach, the covert beach party is in full swing. We haven’t yet entered the fire season, but open beach fires are prohibited nonetheless. The bonfire is blazing, and pockets of people are gathered around the fire, while others congregate around the alcohol-laden chilly bins that are stacked together a few feet from the row of cars.
Settling myself into a camping chair a few metres from the blaze, I am opening a bottle of flavoured mineral water when I hear Travis’s voice.
“Hey, babe, glad you made it, and if that’s a water I see in your hand, even more impressive,” he says from behind me. Arms wrap around me as his face appears over my shoulder. He gives me a quick kiss on the cheek and a gentle squeeze.
“Shut it, Trav,” I say, giving him a shoulder shove as he pulls up a chair.
“No seriously, Kate, I’m impressed. I was getting concerned. If you could’ve, I think you’d be main-lining the hard grog.”
My smile slips. Profound words from a pothead himself.
“Trav, don’t start. You don’t kno—”
“Yeah, babe, I do. I’m not trying to be a dick about this. Everyone is walking on eggshells with you. I’m just giving it to you straight. I’ve watched you fall apart slowly and it’s frustrated the shit outta me that I’ve not been able to get through to you.”
“Maybe you’re usin’ the wrong approach,” a deep gravelly voice rumbles from somewhere behind me. Recognition instantly floods me with warmth and a soft fluttering in my chest. I still. All my senses are focused on the voice I’ve become so well acquainted with. The voice glides over my skin like an intimate caress, raising the hairs on my neck.
“You always eavesdrop on private conversations?”
Travis’s hostile retort is lost on me as my eyes find Dominic’s in the semi-darkness. He sits himself down opposite me. His blue eyes glowing like phosphorous on a moonlit ocean; the flames of the crackling fire reflected in their depths.
“Just makin’ an observation,” Dominic answers Travis, his eyes never leaving mine.
As is usual when Dominic is anywhere near me, I become oblivious to what is happening around me, caught up in a trance of sorts. The intensity of the fire to one side of me and Dominic’s presence on the other causes me to feel like I am overheating.
Sipping my non-alcoholic drink, I become aware of the fireside conversation, which is centred around the ongoing issues people are having with insurance claims for earthquake damage.
“An act of God, what’s with that anyway?” one of the girls ask.
“Maybe it was an act of God,” Kyle states matter of factly.
“What! Are you for real?” she shoots back.
“Yeah, it’s fate or whatever.”
“So you believe that everything is predestined?
Kyle sits forward like he’s about to disclose something of monumental importance. “I dunno ’bout all that, but Mum had the ladies over from church last night and they were quoting scriptures and shit, and something they said has stuck in my head ever since.”
“Yeah? Well what was it?” somebody asks.
“Well, they were saying something about earthquakes in one place after another in the build up to Armageddon or something.”
“Matthew 24:14. That’s the verse.”
All eyes swing to me.
“What? I don’t have the Dead Sea Scrolls buried in my back yard or anything, but I’m familiar with the Bible. I was a regular churchgoer until my Dad died,” I inform the surprised faces and raised eyebrows.
“Why’d you stop going to church, Kate?” Dominic asks in a gentle voice. Inwardly the butterflies stretch their wings; outwardly I shrug.
“My dad always took us, but when he passed away, we just stopped going I guess,” I answer, glancing sideways at him.
Dom is watching me with a curious expression on his face.
“You believe in God, Dominic?” somebody asks.
“There was a point in my life when I didn’t,” he says, darkness sweeping over his features as he speaks. I’m guessing his time in Afghanistan has something to do with it.
He isn’t done.
“On the frontline surrounded by death and massacre, it was easier to deny the existence of a God, and although the chaplains prayed with us every night, fact is, God-fearing men died, innocent people suffered, yet evil survives and goes on to wreak more mass destruction. Countries at war, both sides prayin’ to their own gods. I’ve often wondered which side God was on.”
“Good point,” somebody remarks.
Dominic shrugs, then continues, “I didn’t even believe I had a soul up until a short time ago. I guess when you find somethin’ worth livin’ for, and open your eyes to the incredible acts of kindness between strangers, see the extent to which we humans are capable of aidin’ one another despite personal circumstances and monetary wealth, it shifts your perceptions a bit and makes you realise that people have an unlimited capacity to love, forgive, and care. I guess the selfless acts of people have to reflect the values of an all-powerful God. Or what would be the point in it all, right? So yeah, I believe in the existence of a god.”
This was the most I’d heard Dominic say regarding his time in the military, and a first in discussing religion. This man continues to surprise me. There are so many layers to him I’m keen to unravel and discover.
Dominic is pinning me with his eyes, the flames from the bonfire reflecting against the beckoning blue, drawing me in, hypnotising me. My friends are so used to Danny being at my side, it appears all are oblivious to our lingering stares, which are made that more intimate due to them going unnoticed by those around us.
The look in his eyes is branding possessiveness that has me clenching my thighs together, squirming in my seat. My body is on fire for his touch, while my guilty conscience stands poised; ready to pull the pin on an extinguisher that will douse the flames of passion that blaze within me.
“Fuck this, I’m outta here.”
I break eye contact with Dominic briefly at Travis’s sudden outburst. He gets up and stalks off in the direction of his car, leaving everybody staring after him in confusion.
“Jeez, he’s got a wild hair up his ass tonight. What’s his problem anyway?” one of the guys remarks.
“He’s probably running low on his weed supply,” Kyle says, chuckling.
Ignoring the ongoing banter over Travis and his fiery departure, I get up to take a walk down to the water’s edge, away from the crowd. I’m needing a breather from the crackling chemistry between Dominic and me. Digging my toes into the cool sand, I look over the moonlit water and feel a presence behind me. I don’t need to turn around to know who it is, but I do anyway.
Taking a deep breath, I turn to face the source of my consternation and greatest comfort, and my heart kicks up.
With the one side of his fac
e bathed in moonlight, he cuts a beautiful image. I ball my hands at my sides as I’m gripped by a yearning to run my fingers over the contours of his face. He steps closer to me and I breathe in his masculine smell; leather, musk and a hint of soap.
A slow seductive song is playing from one of the nearby cars...the lyrics float over us as Dominic and I stare at each other.
“Hey, what’s with the baby-making music?” someone remarks as they pass us.
Dom smiles then gathers me close to him, his large hands span my waist, resting just above my hips. I can feel the ridges of his chest as his unique scent and welcoming warmth envelopes me, flooding my veins. My breathing is as erratic as the palpitating beat of my heart. My eyes flutter closed as his hot breath fans my neck.
He doesn’t say a word as he pulls back slightly, his gaze flitting across my face, finally settling back on my eyes as his search mine. Taking my hands in his, he kisses me gently on the head, then rests his forehead against mine. This is exquisite torture. I’m lost to this raw hunger. My senses intoxicated by his smell, his touch. Fighting it, yet craving more.
“What are we doing, Dom?” I whisper breathlessly, my mind reeling with conflicting emotions.
“I don’t know, sweetheart, there’s somethin’ developin’ between us here that’s taken us both by surprise, and I’m tryin’ real hard to take things slowly with you, but I don’t think I’ve ever wanted a woman like this before. I’m burnin’ up for you, baby. I truly am,” he whispers, the tone in his voice deeply seductive.
Oh God, his words. My defences bow with the weight of emotion in them. Hearing him refer to me as baby, as Danny often did, is bittersweet. His admission echoes my inner thoughts, though I’m just as powerless against the force of this attraction between us.
This realisation steels my resolve to keep my distance emotionally. I can’t allow myself to fall any harder for this man. He hasn’t even kissed me, and I already feel too attached to him to be able to go back to being just friends, if that’s what we even were from the start. Just the thought of not having him in my life is making me panicky and scared.
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