Hawk wanted it, too. With Charlotte. He wanted it all and he wanted it forever. The realisation was unnerving and Hawk had absolutely no idea what he could do about it. He only knew what he couldn’t do and that was to say anything to Charlotte. She’d be off like a scalded cat if he even hinted at wanting all the things he knew she didn’t want.
Spending one night totally apart from her was bad enough. The thought of spending the rest of his life alone was unbearable. It wasn’t just a question of what he needed or wanted himself. He wanted to give the same back. To be as important to Charlotte as she had become to him. And with that realisation came another truth. This was the basis of true love.
So it had finally happened. Hawk knew what it was like to be totally in love with someone. Why the hell did it have to happen with totally the wrong woman?
Charlotte’s paramedic kit was heavy enough to make her wish she had taken the lift instead of struggling up all the stairs from the basement garage. She paused for a moment, not wanting Hawk to see she was out of breath as she arrived back in the office. He should have gone and got the kit himself. After all, it was for his benefit that they were having another one of their private training sessions tonight.
She hadn’t been averse to the idea, though, had she? It felt a lot longer than four days since that MCI now and they hadn’t been together out of work hours. The amount of work generated by the incident had been phenomenal. Hawk had had to travel to Hamilton for a two-day session with all the other investigators involved so that a report could be finalised. Charlotte had been left holding the fort, and by the time Hawk had returned yesterday she had so much paperwork to catch up on there was no way she could avoid working late. And alone.
She knew it wasn’t being used as a convenient backing-out point by Hawk, however. The smouldering look he’d given her when he’d arrived at work that morning had let her know he was missing their private time together just as much as she was. Sexual tension had been building all day. A look here, a casual touch in passing there. The suggestion that it was time Hawk continued his training as a paramedic’s assistant was surely just a prelude to a more intimate occasion, and Laura was working a night shift so they could have the house to themselves if they wanted it.
It was perfect. Or it would have been if Hawk had offered to go and fetch the kit from the squad car himself. But Lance had popped in on his way out of the department and the two men had looked set for a chat that hadn’t included Charlotte. As she paused to catch her breath and rest her arm muscles, she realised why she hadn’t passed her boss on the stairs as she’d expected. He was still talking to Hawk, and in the quiet of the otherwise deserted department his voice carried with absolute clarity.
‘It puts me in a bit of a dilemma, Hawk. Cam wants his job back but he wants it on his terms. It might be a year before he’s back on deck full-time.’
Charlotte shamelessly stood still and eavesdropped. A year? But that was great.
‘Regulations about leaving a permanent position unfilled are quite clear,’ Lance was saying now. ‘The three months’ leave is rapidly running out. If Cam’s not prepared to get back here then the position will have to be advertised. Cam could apply for it like anyone else and if he was successful then he would be in a position to negotiate a starting date.’
‘Does he know that?”
‘Well, I told him so in no uncertain terms. I also told him that Charlotte Laing would probably apply for the position and that she’d be a strong contender. Very strong.’ Currie’s voice lowered a little and Charlotte found herself straining to hear his next words. ‘I like the way you two work together, Hawk. I’m really impressed with the way the department is heading and I want to keep her on board.’
‘What about expanding the team? We could use extra manpower, you’ve said so yourself.’
‘You, Cam and Charlie? Hmm. Interesting idea but it’s not on the table at this point in time and I have to get something done about this vacancy.’
‘What are you going to do?’
‘I’m going to throw the ball into your court, Hawk, that’s what I’m going to do. You get to choose. If you want to continue working with Charlie, just say so and I’ll get the application process under way. If you want Cam as a partner again, I’ll do what I can to get his leave extended.’
‘That puts me in a difficult position.’
‘Nobody will know that except you and me, Hawk. Put it in writing, mark it confidential and leave it on my desk.’ Currie’s voice got louder. He was probably moving towards the office door. Hastily Charlotte picked up her kit, moved backwards a few steps and then started forward again, making herself sound slightly out of breath as she neared the office door.
Lance was just emerging as she got there. ‘Hi, Charlie. Don’t work too late, now, will you?’ He poked his head back into the office. ‘Tomorrow would be good, Hawk, if you can manage it.’
‘Sure.’ Hawk made it sound as though Lance wanted nothing more than a photocopy of some report but Charlotte knew better. She eyed Hawk with more than a little uncertainty.
‘Are you sure you want to spend any time on this? We can leave it for another day if you’ve got more important things to do.’
Hawk shook his head. ‘I’ve been looking forward to this. Show me your wares, woman.’
The quirk of an eyebrow suggested that he was interested in far more than what her paramedic kit contained. Charlotte grinned, placed the kit on Hawk’s desk and opened it before pulling herself up to sit alongside the large container. ‘OK, what can you see that you recognise?’
‘I can see that my desk is a lot tidier than yours. You’d never find enough empty space on yours to fit a kit and a bottom—however attractively small that bottom might be.’
‘Pay attention here, Officer Hawkins,’ Charlotte said sternly. ‘I thought you wanted to do this.’
‘Maybe there’s something else I want more now.’
‘OK.’ Charlotte started to close the kit but Hawk’s hand caught her wrist.
‘No. You’ve gone to all the trouble of fetching this so I want to learn something.’ His thumb rubbed the inside of Charlotte’s wrist, sending shivers of delight into parts of her anatomy that couldn’t possibly have any connection to her wrist. ‘Let’s just keep it short and simple. I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to concentrate.’
Probably longer than she would. Charlotte found it difficult to remember what she’d been saying.
Hawk grinned at her expression, then let go of her wrist and eyed the kit.
‘Right. I recognise lots of stuff here. A blood-pressure cuff, a bag mask set-up, lots of different drugs and all sorts of IV gear.’
‘Say I have a patient with hypovolaemic shock. I need to get fluids running but I’m busy with other assessments so I ask you to set up the gear for an IV. Pull out everything you’re going to need and set it up for me.’
‘What gauge cannula do you want, sir?’
‘She’s in shock. We’ll need a 14.’ Charlotte bit back her smile. Hawk might be adding a bit of humour here but she knew how intense his concentration would be despite any distractions. He would remember everything he’d learn as well. He’d already shown how seriously he took these training sessions and they had progressed well beyond him being able to perform effective cardiopulmonary resuscitation.
Hawk’s eyes gleamed at her attempt to hide her amusement and then Charlotte had to smile. How could she have ever thought of him as aloof? Or fierce, as Laura had been convinced he was. Sure, Hawk didn’t smile or laugh as often as Jamie had, but that only made his expressions of pleasure more meaningful. And, yes, he was intense and that could come across as being intimidating but Charlotte appreciated it now.
She watched his deft movements as he chose items from her kit. A cannula package of the correct gauge, a tourniquet, an alcohol wipe, a luer plug, tape and a dressing.
A lot of people probably made the mistake of judging Hawk on initial impressions, which would explai
n why he didn’t have the popularity Jamie had enjoyed. But the friends Hawk did have were close and very loyal and Charlotte could understand why. With Jamie she might have been special but she had still been one of a crowd. With Hawk, Charlotte could feel she was the only one that mattered.
Hawk reached for a 5 ml syringe and some saline to draw up a flush. He glanced up for a second, gained an approving nod from Charlotte and winked at her before turning back to his task. Just the kind of secret communication they enjoyed while keeping their at-work interaction respectable enough not to raise anyone’s suspicions. How much of the feeling of being so special came from having to keep their relationship a secret?
Not all of it, Charlotte was sure of that. Amazing to think she had been so angry when Hawk had expressed disapproval that Jamie had spent the night before their wedding out with his mates. Now that she knew what it was like to be the sole focus of a man’s attention, Charlotte could share that disapproval. If she’d been special enough to marry, why hadn’t she been the one he’d wanted to be with that night?
Charlotte brushed the thought aside. Dwelling on the past was pointless. Comparing Hawk and Jamie was also pointless. Memories of Jamie were where they should be now. Tucked away in a place that would not allow them to cause any more pain. At least, not enough pain to hold her back from getting as much joy as she could from her future.
‘That’s great, Hawk,’ she congratulated him. ‘Now find the GTN spray.’
Hawk had to pull open the tray containing the drugs to find the small cannister. Charlotte’s phone beeped to signal a text and Hawk glanced up again. ‘That wasn’t your pager, was it?’
‘No—just a text from Laura. She’s on night shift and wants me to bring in her washing later if it’s dry.’ It was the first time Laura had been on night shift since she’d moved back home. The first opportunity Charlotte and Hawk had had in what seemed like a very long time to really be together again.
‘Night shift,’ Hawk echoed softly. ‘What time does she get home?’
‘She finishes at 7 a.m.’ It was almost 7 p.m. now. If they left soon they could have twelve hours together. The way Charlotte was feeling right now she wasn’t sure it would be long enough to satisfy her. On the other hand, she’d had a lot of time to think about Hawk over the last few days and nothing had shaken her discovery of how deeply she felt. Would it be possible to make love and not reveal too much? She felt almost as nervous as the first time she had contemplated going to bed with him.
‘Has she sorted out the problems with that guy she’s keen on?’
‘Not yet.’ Charlotte sighed, pleased to turn her thoughts, albeit temporarily, to someone else’s romantic problems. ‘Poor Laura. She’s got her heart set on getting married and having a family. It’s even more important to her than her career.’
‘Amazing that you two are such good friends when you want such different things out of life.’
Charlotte stared at her phone as she clipped it back to her belt. She needed to be very careful what she said here, if she didn’t want to reveal anything that might scare Hawk off. She managed a light laugh. ‘Just as well we both think along the same lines, isn’t it, Hawk? You want marriage and kids just as much as I do.’
‘Like a hole in the head, huh?’ Hawk’s voice sounded odd and Charlotte risked a quick glance. Had he sensed any insincerity in what had been intended as a reassuring statement?
‘Absolutely.’ Her gaze flicked to the spray he was holding. ‘Tell me about GTN.’
‘Glyceryl trinitrate,’ Hawk said promptly. He seemed as eager as Charlotte was to change the subject. ‘It’s a rapid-acting vasodilator, which is particularly effective in relieving the symptoms of coronary artery spasm or angina.’
‘Cool. How does it do that?’
‘Vasodilation increases coronary blood supply. Dilation of the venous system decreases pre-load or filling pressure which decreases the workload of the heart, and dilation of the arterial system decreases aortic pressure which reduces after-load. Reducing the workload of the heart reduces the need for oxygen and it’s getting more anyway because of the dilated coronary vessels.’
‘OK, I’m impressed. You’re picking up this stuff so fast you’ll know just as much as I do soon.’
‘It’s fun.’ Hawk’s gaze held what seemed like a serious question. ‘Do you miss it, Charlie? Being a full-time paramedic?’
‘Not really. I’ve got the best of both worlds with this job. I love the crash investigation side just as much as working with patients.’
‘So you wouldn’t go back to being a paramedic, then, if…if things didn’t work out here long term?’
Charlotte shrugged. ‘I suppose I’ll have to consider that if Cam decides to come back.’ She didn’t want Hawk to know she’d overheard his conversation with Lance Currie. And she couldn’t let him know how much she wanted to continue working with him. ‘I don’t really want to move away from Wellington.’
‘You mean you want to live here permanently?’
‘Nothing has to be permanent.’ Charlotte smiled to show Hawk that she could handle the inevitable changes that occurred in life. She wasn’t expecting him to commit to anything long term and she wasn’t going to hold any hard feelings when he decided it was time to call off their affair. ‘But for the foreseeable future it seems like a good place to be. I’ve never had a place to really call home. Maybe it’s time I put down a few roots.’
‘Even if they’re going to need pulling up sometime?’
Charlotte shrugged. ‘If plants never put down roots they would never get to grow much, would they? Sure, they might wilt a bit when they get transplanted but they’re bigger than they were and they recover. Except for hundred-year-old trees.’ Charlotte grinned. ‘But by the time I reach my century I expect the only moving I’ll want to do is in my rocking chair.’
‘I can’t imagine you as an old crone.’ Hawk had a curiously thoughtful expression. Or was it more like disguised horror?
‘Don’t worry, Hawk.’ Charlotte said soothingly. ‘It won’t be your problem.’
To her surprise, Hawk didn’t appear at all soothed. ‘So it wouldn’t bother you to change jobs, then? You could just wilt a bit and then sprout out in new directions?’
‘Of course it would bother me. My career has been my life for a long time now and I would rather be doing this than any other job. I’m good at it,’ she added a little defensively. ‘And Elsie told me only last week that I’d have a good chance of being successful if the job gets advertised.’
Hawk wasn’t meeting her gaze. Was he worried that she might win the position over Cam? He’d resent her if she did. ‘But then again,’ she added, ‘you’ve helped me realise that there is more to life than just work, Hawk, and I’ll always be grateful for that.’
He was looking at her now but Charlotte couldn’t read the expression in those dark eyes with any accuracy. If it wasn’t so unbelievable she might think he was fearful that she was about to tell him their affair was over. More likely, he was afraid she was about to say that he was more important to her than her career.
‘It’s getting late,’ she observed. ‘Shall we pack up here and go and find something to eat?’
‘Sure. I’m pretty hungry.’ Hawk’s expression advertised relief now. Probably because the potentially heavy conversation was over. Then it started revealing something else. Something Charlotte hadn’t seen with such strength since before the disruption of that mass casualty incident.
Desire. Hot and strong and absolutely compelling. She snapped the latches shut on her kit. ‘Just as well Laura’s on night shift,’ she murmured.
‘I was thinking it was time you came home with me for a change.’
Charlotte swallowed. The invitation may have sounded casual but it had been charged with significance. Hawk merely shrugged at her raised eyebrows.
‘I’d hate to have picked up all those piles of dirty socks for nothing.’
‘Sure.’ Charlotte eased herself do
wn from where she was still sitting on Hawk’s desk and lifted her kit clear. ‘I’m ready,’ she told him. ‘Shall we go?’
‘Just give me a couple of minutes,’ Hawk said. ‘There’s something Elsie wants on his desk by tomorrow so I’d better get it done.’
‘Can I help?’
‘No…it’s nothing much. Just an opinion on something, really.’ Hawk’s body language made his verbal attempt to make the task seem unimportant a complete failure.
Ten minutes later Charlotte had to grit her teeth when Hawk dropped the sealed envelope on Lance Currie’s desk as they passed the senior sergeant’s office on their way out of the department. She knew what was in that envelope. The choice. Given the pointed conversation about how she felt about the job, she could be certain that Hawk was asking to have Cam back as his partner. It was unavoidable. Charlotte couldn’t take the job anyway. Imagine trying to work with Hawk once their affair was over? It would be totally impossible. Lance was right to make sure his officers stuck to the rules.
Did what was in the letter also explain the significant invitation to go home to Hawk’s house tonight? Was the writing on the wall for their time together, so it didn’t matter if he let her that little bit further into his life? She should pull away. If this was potentially their last night together, why was she allowing Hawk to hold her hand and lead her forward?
Because there was no way she could resist. Any thought of self-preservation or even pride died at the caress of Hawk’s thumb moving over her fingers. She held onto his hand just as she was going to hold onto every moment she could have with this man she loved.
Even one extra night, especially in his own home…his own bed, would provide memories. And those she would be able to hold onto for the rest of her life.
CHAPTER TEN
TWO sealed envelopes lay on Lance Currie’s desk the following morning.
The Recovery Assignment Page 16