Josh winced. Wow. There was no way he could have botched that one any worse. “Not that you’re like my dog, but…” Her contagious mirth trumped his embarrassment. “She was afraid of thunderstorms. And the big guns at the range that sound like thunder. And the garbage truck. And pretty much everything else. She needed a lot of comforting.”
“What happened to her?”
“Last time I went to Afghanistan, Mom and Dad kept her for me. When I came back, they sort of gently let me know that they’d gotten attached. I think they would have fought me for custody.” He grinned, remembering the way his mom had worked her charm on him.
“Oh, my.” Andrea sat farther back on the ottoman and swiped at her eyes. “Thanks. I think I feel better now.”
“At least I’m good for something.” His mood dimmed until it made even the shaded room seem too bright. He’d failed her today and she’d almost gotten killed. Worse, God had given him the opportunity to redeem himself, to finally make atonement, and he’d walked away and left her alone. Would he ever get it right? With a loud exhale, he pressed his palms against his knees and stood.
“What’s wrong?” Andrea looked up at him like she was shocked he’d moved.
“I shouldn’t have left you alone.”
The look on her face defied his attempt to read it. Josh expected fear, but this was something he couldn’t decipher, something that stilled his feet and tugged at his conscience.
“You couldn’t have known. Whoever this is was aiming for me whether you were there or not.” Andrea’s voice was low as she picked at the piping of the ottoman by her knee.
“But I was there. And I nearly let you get yourself killed.”
“You’re wrong.” She shook her head for emphasis and crossed her legs in a yoga pose. “Why do you blame yourself like that?”
What was with the questions? Had she decided she was the strong one and he was the weak one? “Don’t.” He yanked his hands from his pockets and crossed his arms over his chest. Either she was a really good actress or the innocence on her face was for real. Josh couldn’t believe this line of questioning came without purpose. “I see what you’re doing.”
“What am I doing?”
“Psychoanalyzing me.”
Andrea looked confused, then hurt, like he’d accused her of…well, of selling drugs to her patients. “I’m sorry.” She barely whispered the words. “It’s a habit.”
He held up a hand. “Just don’t do it again.” If she dug too much, he might just tell her the whole truth. Then, when she kicked him out of her life, he’d never be able to protect her.
“I guess I need to focus on someone besides me.” Her smile spoke sadness, then she sighed. “It’s easier—” Her cell phone trilled three quick notes, and she pulled it from her pocket to glance at the screen. Confusion knotted her eyebrows, and her hello sounded cautious, then her face hardened. “Did you forget something, Detective?”
Josh stiffened, ready to snatch the phone from her hand and give Simmons a chewing out she wouldn’t forget anytime soon.
Andrea must have felt his mood change, because she held up a hand and stood, stepping past him across the room to the alcove that served as her dining area. “Where?” She pulled out a chair, then sank into it almost as if her bones melted.
Unable to read her expression, Josh walked toward her, ready to defend or support, whichever she needed.
“Do I need to do anything?” Andrea listened, oblivious to Josh standing feet away. “I’ll be there as soon as I can. Thank you.” Without looking up, she clicked off the call and dropped the phone to the table with a clatter.
“What’s…” Josh wasn’t sure how to word the question without sounding like a possessive boyfriend. He had no right to ask her what the call was about. “Everything okay?”
Andrea nodded. “They caught the guy driving the SUV.”
Relief allowed Josh his first deep breath since he burst into her office. “Really?”
She twirled her phone on the wooden table like a spinning top. “He blew full tilt through the guard gate on 185 trying to get away. Instead of getting off the highway, he stayed on and got caught just south of the Harris County line. He was in custody before we ever got back to my apartment.”
The Harris County line. Not too many miles from here.
“So, if this is one of the guys after Wade, it’s over.”
Josh nodded, not quite ready to believe it was that easy, especially after Cameron’s admissions last night. He’d seen one too many missions that looked like slam dunks, and in the end he and his soldiers had wound up fighting the hardest battles of their lives.
Her face lost some of its humor. “Can I ask you one favor, if you don’t have plans this afternoon?”
Anything. Josh’s head jerked back as though the thought had slapped him. He wasn’t exactly sure why God had orchestrated all of the “coincidences” of the past few days, but he knew it couldn’t be about his feelings for her. That was more than any man could ask.
Across the room, Andrea stood and studied him. “It’s okay if you have plans.”
“No.” He should have said yes, that he’d be busy for the next week, gone on temporary duty, something. Should have extracted himself before he got in deeper. If God wanted him involved, if he was supposed to make good on what he had made bad, then God could just cross their paths again in the future. But his mouth snatched control from his brain. “What do you need?”
“Just…” She wrinkled her nose and tugged at the hem of her blue T-shirt. The way the material stretched, it was obvious the act was a habit. “It’s stupid, really.”
The urge to make everything better for her gripped him and squeezed tight, like a boa constrictor he’d once seen in Panama. “After the week you’ve had, I can’t imagine you making any sort of stupid request.”
Her hands fluttered like butterflies then dropped to her sides. “The guy has a record. They want me to look at a lineup of mug shots and see if I recognize him.”
The words she wasn’t speaking crystallized in the silence. “You want company?”
“Do you mind?”
“No worries.” If all she needed was moral support, he should be able to do that. “And maybe afterward, you’ll let me make you dinner.” Why had he issued such an invitation?
She nodded. “That works. I’ll take Wade’s file and we’ll see if we can figure out what he put in there besides your name, if that’s okay by you. I doubt there’s anything there, but we’ll see if we can’t tie everything together.” She shouldered her massive purse and shoved the file into it. “And if this is the guy, I’ll make dessert to celebrate.” Andrea snatched her keys from the ledge by the front door, seeming lighter than she had since Josh first saw her.
Despite the gravity of the situation, Josh was glad he’d said yes to her request. The prospect of an evening with Andrea far outshone any other activity he could imagine.
Still, the warning voice inside his head refused to be silenced. This couldn’t end well. At least not for the walls around both of their carefully guarded hearts.
SEVEN
This would not qualify as the brightest idea he’d ever had.
Josh watched as Andrea settled into a canvas deck chair and propped her feet on the rail to stare out at his backyard. Since she’d identified the guy who’d attacked her, she seemed like a different person. She’d chatted away as they left the police station, talking about her parents’ current cruise to Alaska. Even her eyes were lighter, nearly crystal green with relief.
He dumped charcoal in the grill and messed around, pretending to light it, but he couldn’t focus on the task. His mind kept thwarting all of his best intentions by sending his gaze to Andrea as she sipped sweet tea and studied the trees that bordered his property, a study in peace and contentment.
It took all of his willpower to fight his imagination. Somehow, he was sure a time machine was nearby, one that compressed time and looped it so his unattainable high s
chool dreams materialized in a bizarre twist. He wasn’t even sure who he was right now. Everything in him felt like an awkward high school baseball player in an ill-fitting uniform and a dusty cap.
When he’d bothered to think about the future in high school, it had typically been about Major League salaries. It wasn’t until this moment that he realized Andrea had been beside him in every imagined moment. How had he missed that? For someone he had never actually dated, she sure had insinuated herself into his heart.
“Josh?” Andrea’s teasing voice pulled him from past dreams. He shook his head. Dreams didn’t mean a thing. They could all die in a fiery instant.
“What’s up?”
She took a sip of tea and studied him over the rim of the glass, eyes sparking with silent laughter.
Josh’s melancholy evaporated. “What’s so funny?”
“Just wondering if the meaning of life is written in that charcoal.” She rested the glass on her knee and wobbled it back and forth, tea dangerously close to sloshing out with each tilt. Even without looking, she seemed to instinctively know when she had gone far enough and tipped it the other way.
“I’m not sure what you’re saying.” The sweet, wavy smell of lighter fluid took over his senses. He wasn’t sure which was worse, wanting to hold her when she cried or wanting to wrap his arms around her when she laughed.
“You’ve been staring at it for a good three minutes. Some host you are. Unlit charcoal’s more fascinating than your guest.”
“Sorry.” He knew his face was red. The heat of embarrassment warmed his skin. Reaching for the matches, he pitched one onto the fire and prayed she’d attribute his coloring to the flaming charcoal. “Just thinking about how life is a big circle sometimes.”
Something crossed Andrea’s face that robbed her expression of its spark, though her mouth still smiled. “Yes, it is.”
Josh was certain her thoughts hadn’t been anywhere near his. If they had… Well, if they had, he wouldn’t be held responsible for what happened next.
It was her turn to sink into herself. She watched the tea swirl in her glass, a somber look on her face as though she thought it might be possible to read the future in the sweet amber liquid.
Josh couldn’t take being this far away any longer. He grabbed his own glass and settled into the chair next to hers, seeking to lighten the mood. “So now you’re the one looking for life’s secrets?” He nudged his shoulder against hers. “From personal experience, it’s not in your ice cubes.”
She chuckled. “What made you join the army?” She tried to make it sound light, but something behind the words told him there were reasons for the question.
“Why did you?” he countered, having zero desire to dig into that discussion. That answer had a way of dragging the afternoon into black places they didn’t need to go.
Andrea shrugged, then smiled. “No fair interrogating the interrogator.”
On the surface, it was a simple question. He could give her the easy answers. He wanted to serve his country. Wanted to stand for something. And while those things would be true, ultimately they wouldn’t be the real reason. He owed Andrea the entire truth, or at least as much of it as he could tell without drowning both of them in a past that she shouldn’t know and he’d rather forget.
“So what happened? You went to Auburn on a baseball scholarship. Everybody said you’d go pro.” When the words left Andrea’s mouth, her cheeks pinked.
Josh’s lips quirked into a smile. “You remembered? I didn’t think you paid me a lick of attention back then.”
Her head jerked up and her eyes latched on to his, conveying something he couldn’t read. She opened her mouth, closed it, then took a long swallow of tea before she spoke. “I remember lots of things.”
“Like?”
“Like I asked you why you joined the army.”
Her comeback made Josh smile. “Fine. You have a good memory.” He tipped his glass toward her, then turned his attention to the wind in the trees. “I got scouted, had Major League prospects. When I was a junior…” He ran his tongue along his teeth and wondered how much he should say. He’d stick to the basics. The bare, unemotional basics. “I was in a car accident. Wrecked my throwing arm and blew out my knee.” He held up his arm to reveal the long scar that ran from his wrist, across his elbow, and halfway up his triceps. “There was no more power behind my throw. And there’s not a ball club out there who wants a guy who can’t fire the ball from third to first.” That night had changed his life and hers forever.
Andrea stared at him with pity in her eyes. He hated pity. Especially when he didn’t deserve it from her, when she didn’t know the whole story.
“So you’re human.” The words were tiny, and they didn’t speak of pity at all. They spoke more of understanding, and maybe realization. Not at all what he’d expected.
“Everybody’s human.”
“Yeah, but sometimes we think people are bulletproof.”
Josh snorted and swigged his tea. “Yeah? And who thought I was bulletproof?” He glanced at her again, fighting to keep the surprise out of his expression. “You?”
Deep red stained her cheeks. It was crazy that he could see it creep up on her like a forest fire in a dry wood. What could possibly embarrass her that way? Unless… No. That would be too much, the kind of thing that only happened in movies.
Andrea pressed her feet into the deck railing and stretched her legs. “I joined the army a couple of months after I graduated from high school, so probably around the same time as you.”
Realization poked him with cold fingers. “That was right after Brendan died.” It still hurt to say that name, especially after the last time he saw his best friend. Ironically, his death had jolted Josh into sanity. He hadn’t touched alcohol since the night his mother took his hand and told him Brendan was gone.
Josh wanted to throw himself over the deck rail and run until he was too tired to go any farther. The urge to tell Andrea everything was too strong, and it could ruin their friendship. He swallowed the words and opted for something safer. “You’re still trying to save him.”
For a long moment she didn’t move, then she nodded once, slowly, as though the movement might make the past come back to haunt her in the July twilight. “I joined the army because I wanted to finish what he started.” She shrugged and pressed her feet harder against the deck rail, bending her sandals at the arch. “And maybe because I was running from the pain. Three months into my first tour, my convoy hit an IED.” The tension in her body radiated until Josh felt his own muscles tighten. “I got a concussion, but four of our guys weren’t so fortunate.” She shrugged as if it were no big deal, but Josh knew better. He’d seen more than one good soldier hollowed into a shell. If she could stand up to that much trauma back to back, Andrea was even stronger than he’d realized.
Without thinking about the ramifications, Josh picked up her hand, pulling her fingers from their white-knuckle grip on the arm of the chair and twining them with his. Her fingers were cold and limp until he squeezed lightly, then she tightened them around his.
“After I came home and got my head on straight,” she continued, “I decided to go to school. I wanted to save the other Brendans in the world.” She swallowed and didn’t seem to be aware that he was touching her. “Wade’s a lot like him. That tall, lanky build and that hair. The minute he walked into my office I noticed it. All of my patients mean something, but with Wade it was almost like God gave me the chance to make up for failing Brendan.”
“You didn’t fail him.” Josh should know. If anyone had failed, it was him.
“I could have done a lot more than I did. I saw him sinking after he came back and took the discharge for PTSD.”
Josh slipped out of his chair, careful not to let her fingers inch from his grasp, and crouched beside her. “You were, what? Eighteen? He was a twenty-one-year-old man, capable of his own decisions. There’s nothing you could have done.”
It finally seemed like
she realized he was there. With a sad smile, she looked down at him. “Thank you.” There was no emotion, and he knew she couldn’t possibly mean the words.
“I try.”
She let her eyes scan his for a long time as though deciding something, then forced a smile to her lips. “So, way for me to turn a happy cookout into a downer, huh?”
He grinned, willing to follow her down a new rabbit trail. “Nobody’s perfect.”
That comment seemed to drive her back into contemplation. “They’re not, are they? Maybe that’s okay.” Andrea let go of his hand and lifted her fingers to the bruise on his cheek, the one she had inflicted. “You look like a prize fighter.”
The way her fingers flittered over the tender spot robbed Josh of his voice. All he could do was shrug.
A mischievous grin tipped the corners of her mouth. “So did you win?”
Without bothering to think, he reached up and grasped her fingers. The light in her eyes changed, and he thought she was going to pull away. When she froze, then leaned in slightly, he knew how to answer the question.
Raising up taller on his toes, he let his hand slide beneath the hair at her neck, pulling her closer, his lips hovering against hers. “You tell me.”
She inhaled slightly, then his lips were on hers in a pressure he could feel all the way to his toes, in a moment that melted away the last seventeen years and put him in a place where he still believed his dreams could come true. And even though he knew it couldn’t last once she found out the truth, he’d take the fantasy for as long as God would let him have it.
*
At the brush of his lips, Andrea was fifteen again, daydreaming her evenings away in her bedroom, doodling her name and Josh’s together in flowing script. Back then, she’d known it would feel like this, that it would consume her if he ever came down off his pedestal and turned his affection to a lowly freshman. She was Cinderella, and the glass slipper fit.
Andrea grasped his biceps and prayed the clock wouldn’t strike midnight, that she wouldn’t wake up and find out she was still fifteen and dreaming the most lucid dream of her life.
Love Inspired Suspense January 2014 Page 69