by Toni Aleo
“I did. Thank you.”
“How much time do I have to get ready for the move?” I laugh. I’m not ready to move, especially with my sister having a baby and everything, but this is my career. I wouldn’t leave the family hanging. I’d agreed I would go with them when he said he was applying.
But when he looks back down, my dread returns.
“That’s the thing, Linc. We aren’t going to take you with us.”
I feel like someone has knocked the air out of me. “Oh.”
“I’m not going to work since he’ll be making more money than we both make now,” Sharron says. “They’re paying for our housing, which means I can stay home and be with the kids. Homeschool them the way I wanted—not that you haven’t done an amazing job. Please don’t think I mean it that way,” she adds in a rush.
I reach over and take her free hand with mine. “I’d never think that,” I say, my heart pounding in my chest. “It’s so great for you.”
“It is,” she says, and then she starts crying. “We are torn over this decision—”
“But it’s the best for us.” Mike’s voice is steady, but his expression is sad.
“No, I completely understand,” I agree, letting out a long breath. “Just surprised.”
“We know. We’re so sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I urge, squeezing her hand. “I get it. You guys really wanted this job.”
“We did, but we’re so sad to lose you,” Sharron says, wiping her face. “You’ve been a part of this family for so long.”
I quirk my brows. “And a move across the world won’t change that.”
Mike cups my shoulder, squeezing it hard. “We’re giving you six months’ pay up front to help until you find another family. We will write the best recommendations.”
I smile gratefully. “I appreciate that. So you’ll be moving soon?”
“The end of the month.”
Another punch to the gut. “Wow. Damn.”
“Yeah. It’s sudden, but they took so long to decide who they wanted, they want us there quickly. They’re paying for everything and giving us a moving bonus.” Mike grins. “That we’re handing to you.”
“You don’t have to,” I insist, even though I really can use the cushion until I find another family.
“No, we are. It’s the least we can do. It’s so hard to let you go.”
And it is going to be hard for me to let them go.
Chapter Two
Lincoln
I reach for the glass that my buddy’s wife, Riana, holds out to me, and I smile. “Thanks for having me over.”
I lean back in my chair, so full from the amazing dinner she cooked. We usually have dinner every Thursday night when Phillip is in town, but lately, he has been traveling a lot, and Riana is helping her sister through a nasty divorce. It is nice to be back with them. I’ve missed them.
Phillip claps my shoulder. “You’re always welcome. Wish we could have had you over sooner. With everything going on and my travel schedule, it’s been nuts.”
“I know, man. No big.”
“How are you doing since your family moved?” Riana asks.
I shrug. Phillip and I have talked about it, but I guess he hasn’t told Riana.
“It sucks, but they gave me a six-month severance, so I’m okay.”
“Yeah, but you miss them.”
I nod. “I do. Jenny doesn’t want me to get another family.”
Phillip gives me a look. “I don’t always say this, but I agree with your sister.”
I shoot him an incredulous look. “No, no you can’t.”
He laughs. “Really, I think you should go into the field for real. You’re a wonderful teacher.”
“Thanks,” I say with a shrug. “But I love the freedom of homeschooling and taking care of kids.”
“What about teaching at a private school?”
I nod. “I don’t know. I need to figure it out. My mom and sisters want to talk to me.”
“Ew.” Phillip groans.
I laugh at that. Phillip knows all about my gossiping family; he dated Vanessa, one of my older sisters. It was a quick hookup that fizzled just as fast, but at the end of it, he met Riana. The night Vanessa broke up with him, Riana was their waitress. Funny how things like that happen.
“Either way,” he says. “You gotta do what makes you happy.”
“It’s hard, ya know? I thought I had at least ten more years with them.”
“That’s why taking care of families sucks,” Phillip says.
Riana’s phone rings. She smiles in apology and heads to the kitchen.
“I’ve been looking at families,” I say. “I just haven’t been impressed by anyone.”
Phillip laughs. “You know you’ll never find another one like the Ellentons.”
“I know. Man, I had it so good there.”
We share a laugh. I hear Riana’s voice rising in the kitchen.
Phillip says, “You did have it good, but now it’s time to grow up and be a big boy. Get a serious job.”
I nod.
“I can talk to my mom. She has some pull over at Liberty Hall.”
Phillip and I both went to the local private school; that’s where we met. It is a nice enough school, but man, do I really want that? A nine-to-five? I’ve had such freedom the last six years. I can do whatever I want as long as the kids are cared for. I have to admit that most of the time being a manny feels more like being a brother than actually having a job. But like Phillip said, maybe it is time for me to put my big-boy pants on.
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Riana’s face is red as she comes toward us. “That was Vera.”
Phillip pinches the bridge of his nose. “What now?”
“Another nanny quit.”
His face scrunches up. “She just hired this one last week!”
“The boys covered the entrance to the kitchen with clear packing tape. She didn’t see it and ran right into it.”
Phillip starts laughing, and I can’t help joining in until Riana silences us with a look.
“The girl freaked out so bad! She got wrapped up in the tape. They had to cut the tape out of her hair, and it pulled some of her eyelashes out. She was carrying a hot bowl of soup, and it burned her thighs. Still wanna laugh?”
Our laughter dies off as Riana shakes her head. “She wants to sue. So of course, Vera is freaking out.”
“Well that sucks,” Phillip adds.
I nod. “The boys did that? They are great kids, really well-behaved last time I saw them.”
Riana falls into a chair and covers her face. “They are honestly the best kids in the world, but when my sister’s fuckhead husband left, they went crazy.”
“Especially Charlie, the oldest. He’s taking it hard,” Phillip says.
I lean back in my chair. “He probably thinks if he chases off the nannies, his dad will come back.”
Riana looks over at me, and I see the tears in her eyes. “Exactly. He hates school; he hates the nannies. That isn’t Charlie. He is such a good kid. I hate what Simon has done to my sister and those boys.”
“We all do, baby,” Phillip says, getting up and going to her. He wraps his arms around her neck and kisses her temple. “Don’t worry, Vera is so strong.”
“She’s at her wit’s end, though. This is the ninth nanny that has quit.” Riana runs her hands down her face, wiping away her tears. “All Vera has is us, and it’s killing me.”
Nine nannies? Jesus Christ, what were those kids doing?
“I know, baby. We’ll figure it out. Don’t get yourself so upset.”
“It’s hard not to,” she says softly. “I don’t want to live with them. I want to live here and grow our family.”
“It’s fine, Riana. Calm down,” Phillip says, and then he laughs. “Sorry, man, she’s emotional as shit.”
I wave him off. “Hey, I know how it is to have sisters, especially when they’re pregnant. You want to be there for them no matter w
hat, so it’s hard when they hurt.”
“Exactly,” Riana says, holding her hand out to me. “I tell him he doesn’t know what it’s like to have siblings.”
“Excuse me for having parents that got it right the first time.”
While Phillip and I laugh about that, Riana looks distressed.
“Charlie isn’t doing well in school either, and if he doesn’t bring his grades back up, they’ll cut him from club sports. Shit, her stress is stressing me out.”
“Riana—”
“No, I’m sorry to ruin the night. I’m going to head over there.”
But Phillip won’t let her get up. “Why?”
“She needs me.”
“She does not. She can look at the endless ads and find someone else.”
“I know, but she’s upset. I should be there.”
“She can handle it. I swear it. You baby her, but you’re the younger sister,” he says, squeezing her shoulders. “I get it. This sucks, and fuck Simon, but Vera is capable of standing on her own two feet. You know it pisses her off when you coddle her.”
“I just hate that she is struggling so much with this. It isn’t fair. She was all-in while Simon was fucking the damn nanny and anyone else he could get his hands on.”
I grimace as I take a long swig of my whiskey. I don’t know Vera, but I can only imagine how destructive that situation would be for all of them. Especially the kids.
Riana gives me a weak smile. “I wish there were someone who could withstand three boys. Someone who loves being a nanny because of the joy it gives them and not just the money. Maybe not a nanny, but a manny.”
“Me?” I ask and then laugh. “Not me, right? You guys were just saying I should get a real job.”
“That was before my sister needed you.”
“She doesn’t even know me!”
“It doesn’t matter. She needs you.”
“Riana, Vera said she didn’t want a male nanny,” Phillip protests.
“Well, that’s too damn bad, because the nine females she hired didn’t work, and Lincoln is the best.”
When she stands up, I stand too. “I don’t know, Riana. If I’m not what Vera wants…”
“She doesn’t know you. She needs your help, Lincoln. I need your help. Please tell me you’ll help me.”
“Riana, don’t put that pressure on him.”
“No, seriously.” She glances back at me, her eyes begging mine. “I need you to help me. I need my sister to be okay. It’s been shit for so long, and she cared for me when there was no one. She put me through college. She paid for my wedding… Damn it, I need you.”
Phillip looks away. “Riana, I want to help too, but—”
I hold my hand up, stopping my best friend’s words. As the youngest of seven, I usually didn’t get to have much say, but in this situation, I do. I have a voice. Wasn’t I just saying I feel like I’m not done helping people? Now a friend is asking for my help.
And it feels so damn good to be needed again.
VERA
“I cannot believe you!”
I know Charlie isn’t listening. His head is on the kitchen island, his beanie pulled all the way down past his nose as he groans loudly.
And obnoxiously.
“How dare you think it is okay to inflict pain on someone!”
“I didn’t think she’d get hurt,” he says simply, not making eye contact with me.
“So then, it’s okay?”
“Yes,” he groans. “I don’t need a nanny. I’m fourteen.”
“You’re a child! Your behavior proves that.”
More groaning.
“You tell me that you want to have more responsibilities, to be taken seriously. But, my love, she had to cut her hair. She wants to sue me. And I had to miss even more work.”
“Oh, no,” he mutters.
It takes everything not to scream. I know the kids hate that I work so much—hell, I don’t like it either—but it is the way I make ends meet. Before, I did it because I loved it, but now, I do it because I have to. And because I’m in competition with my fucking ex to give the boys all they want.
Pathetic, I know. But it is what it is.
If I thought I disliked him before, my anger at Simon has done nothing but get stronger. Not only is he forcing me to keep the boys in a school they do not care for, he suggested I should pay half. Because his wife is now pregnant. If it isn’t enough that I am hurting because my boys and I weren’t enough for him, the fact that he has moved on while I’ve done nothing but clean up the mess he left behind and try to make a life for us is making me miserable.
Which seems to be our new normal.
Now, if only my son would cooperate, it could be a tad easier.
“I didn’t want you to miss work, Ma. I didn’t think it would be this bad.”
“Well, it is,” I snap back at him as I scrub a glass violently. “And to bring your brothers into this… Charlie, you are the example.”
“Didn’t sign up for that. I actually didn’t sign up for any of this, but here I am.”
Whipping around, I throw my sponge in the sink. “And what does that mean?”
“It means I didn’t ask for my family to split up, to have nannies brought in to be the only ones to care for us. I want my dad to care for me. I want my mom to be there, more than to just tuck us into bed. I don’t want some other person.”
“Well, that’s too damn bad, because we weren’t given that option,” I yell, and I hate that I’m yelling, but damn it, what in the hell am I going to do? These boys have run off more nannies than most kids have in an entire childhood, and I know darn well that Riana does not want to help me anymore. She has her own life. I can’t blame her. “My love, do you think I want it this way? I loved our life with your father. I loved that we had it all figured out. But all that is in the past, Charlie. This is our reality now, and we’re all trying to figure it out. But damn it, I need you to stop working against me. Work with me. You’re not hurting anyone but me, my love. Don’t you see that?”
His eyes, those beautiful chocolate-brown eyes, meet mine. I can see them welling up, and the sight sends daggers to my heart. I understand his pain; I feel it too, but I need some give here. I don’t want to put this pressure on him. I want him to focus on school and enjoy being a teenager, but I don’t know how else to express how much I need him to cool it. “You were never like this before, Charlie. Please. Help me.”
“No, you didn’t.”
I drop my hands to my thighs, confused. “What?”
“You didn’t love your life with him,” he says slowly. He stands from the kitchen counter and pushes his beanie up his head. “You didn’t even love him. You love your work, and sometimes I think it even comes before us.”
“Charlie! You know that’s not true!”
“Not all the time. I said sometimes. You’re always in the front row at our games, cheering us on. I know you love us and that you think you loved your life when Dad was here, but you never loved him.”
“Yes—”
“I think I saw you two kiss maybe ten times in my life.”
“Charlie—”
“And you never had sex.”
“For the love of Christ! Charlie!”
He goes on, his eyes so intently on mine. So full of hurt and yearning. Jesus, what should I say here?
“I think I caught my friends’ parents having sex more times than I ever saw you two hold hands. You think you hid all the fighting, but you didn’t. I heard you. I don’t know what happened because it wasn’t always that way. It all happened sometime after you changed jobs, and I don’t think you realized it happened, Mom, but it did. You didn’t notice, but we did.”
Just like when Simon told me he was leaving, my heart shatters in my chest as tears rush to my eyes. Looking down at the ground, I bring in a deep breath and try to swallow back my sob. Blinking away my tears, I look up at my oldest. “I am so sorry for all of that. I am so sorry I couldn’t keep hi
m here, but Charlie, I need you—”
Before I can even finish, he turns and starts out of the kitchen. I follow, yelling at his back. “I need you to realize I need your help! You are the man of this house. We need to be a team—”
“I don’t want to be on your team!” he shouts and turns toward me, tears rolling down his cheeks. “I want our lives back, but we weren’t enough!”
I snatch Charlie’s shirt and tug him close to me. He widens his eyes. “You listen to me right now, Charlie Tomas.” I strain to control the tears rolling down my cheeks. “You are enough, Elliot is enough, Louis is enough, and damn it, I am enough! He isn’t! He doesn’t get to dictate our future. We do—”
Pushing my hands away, he shakes his head. “If we were enough, he wouldn’t have left us.”
Oh, my God, this is the perfect moment for me to say he is a cheating bastard, but I promised myself I would never do that. I would never run his name through the mud and turn my children against him. At the end of the day, Simon is a wonderful father but a shit husband. Which is why I never would have left him. I just never thought he’d leave me.
Turning from me, Charlie takes the steps two at a time. Before I can say anything else, I see Louis and Elliot at the top of the stairs, watching me with tears in their eyes, mirroring each other with their expressive faces. When they run toward Charlie’s room, I let my shoulders sink and my head fall forward.
I remember when we found out I was having identical twin boys; we were so damn excited. Charlie was five and wanted a little brother or sister. When we told him it was two, he cried in eagerness. Simon and I had just gotten married a few weeks before we found out, and we were finally going to be one big beautiful family. Gosh, at the sweet and tender age of twenty-one, I thought I had it all and that the twins would be our new start.
Jesus, come to think of it, I’ve had more new starts than I care to admit.
Maybe Charlie is right.
Not that he and the twins aren’t enough. They are everything and then some.
But that I’m not enough.
Never was.