by Sammie J
I carry on walking to find Noah blocking my exit, his face is etched with grief. My hand reaches up to stroke his cheek and his hand does the same to mine. His lips tremble as his words pierce my heart, “I will see you again right?”
I lower my head because I can’t answer that.
“I remember saying something similar before to you and I won’t let you walk away from me, not without a fight. It’s going to take time for this to sink in, but remember, I’m here Peppa. I’m one part of your other half and I’m yours forever.”
He slowly takes my hand away from his face and with my eyes I follow his actions. He rests my hand on his chest where his now still heart sits. “This will always be yours. I choose you over it. I choose the both of you, over my own life, I will not stand by and watch it all fall apart. Prepare yourself for a fight, because I’m not going to lose this battle, we will be a threesome again.”
My hand falls from his chest as he pulls me closer to him and kisses my forehead, my eyes, and both cheeks until his mouth touches with mine. He softly kisses my lips then pulls away taking it no further. He tells me he loves me and steps to the side to let me leave.
With everything I have in me, my hand grabs onto the door handle and I pull it down. The door opens and the cold air slaps me around the face as I walk away from my lovers. Numb, that’s all I feel as I start to stroll home, I have no idea where I’m going. It’s only when I walk past the same building twice that I realize I’m lost. I pull my phone out of my trousers, at least I can thank Juan for one thing, he remembered to slide it into my pocket when he dressed me.
I call Monica, struggling to get the words out. In a firm voice she asks me to tell her the name of the street or the nearest building. I manage to tell her and I stand there shivering, waiting for her, but it’s not from the cold, it’s from shock as my mind plays out tonight’s events over and over again. I hear her talking to me as she helps me into the car. She asks me all kinds of questions on the drive home but I don’t answer any of them.
I automatically thank her when I get out of the car and stride past Hans, who is standing at the front door waiting for us. I walk into the lounge and head for the bar to make myself a drink, but I change directions and carry on walking to leave the room to go to bed.
Monica shouts after me, “Peppa, talk to me! This isn’t like you! Are you hurt? Did Jacob do this?”
I turn my head to glance over my shoulder at her and sense the tears as they start to roll down my face. The words sting when they leave my mouth, “When Juan turns up, tell him I don’t want to see him and to leave me alone.”
I don’t wait for her reaction, I carry on my path and when I reach the bedroom I climb onto the bed, curl myself up into a ball and let it all out the only way I know how. I honestly feel like I'm dying. My body aches, my head is ready to explode with everything going around it. My eyes are heavy with lack of sleep. No doubt they are red and puffy from crying. My heart beat in my chest but every time it does it feels like I'm being stabbed. I crawl into myself, find a space deep inside to hide, so I can cut myself off from it all. And I'm not coming out anytime soon.
Monica would appear bringing me food and drink, but I didn’t touch it. She climbed on the bed at one point and just held me. She didn’t ask questions, she was letting me know she was there for me. I know he will come when the light faded, I felt him as soon as he walked into the house. I also felt how desperate he is when he cried out my name, his dejection made me weep. I can detect his love for me and that hurt more than anything because I can’t get over the fact that if he loves me, he wouldn’t have lied to me.
An argument has started and the raised voices are getting nearer and nearer. The door knob rattles and I heard Juan say, “Get out of the way Hans, I need to see her.”
My reaction is to pull the covers over my head as my heart stops in its tracks and I tell myself, if I can’t hear him he isn’t there. I find the strength to quietly say, I know he will still hear me, “Get out Juan, just leave.”
I hear a thud on the door and then his voice, “Please Peppa, talk to me, scream, shout, whatever it takes but please don’t discard me.”
I honestly don’t know what to say to him, it just all feels too raw to contemplate anything right now. So I ignore him. There is silence for a while but his voice comes again, “You will never know how sorry I am. I ask one thing of you, please don’t blame Noah. He loves you so much and needs you. Don’t let how you feel about me stand in the way of the happiness you can have with him. I…”
He doesn’t finish his sentence and the connection weakens as his footsteps fade away and he leaves. Again the tears flow, because I knew what he was going to say. I can sense it right to my bones as he made sure I felt his emotions.
Nightmares plague me that night. Juan and Noah would be standing there kissing each other, their hands exploring each other’s bodies. They would then turn to stare at me, their fangs on show, blood running from their smirking mouths. Juan would lean closer to Noah and lick the blood from his mouth and they both groaned with pleasure. I wake up screaming and shouting, when they take each other’s hands and start to stride away.
“Peppa, it’s ok. What did that bastard do to you?” Monica pulls me into her arms and rocks me while I silently cry. “Please talk to me Peppa.”
I remain silent and Monica sighs out her frustration. I must have fallen back to sleep as I wake to find myself alone. I turn over and wrinkle my nose, I can smell myself and it isn’t very pleasant. I head for the bathroom as I need a wee, I take a peek at the shower and decided I can’t be bothered. After doing my business I fumbled back to my bed and I find Hans waiting for me. I slither back into bed and pull the covers over me.
Hans gazes at me sympathetically, “Monica is worried about you, and she has been phoning Juan leaving him messages. She wanted to go find him and beat the shit out of him, but I talked her out of it.”
My mouth twitches trying to smile at the thought of Monica attacking Juan, but I didn’t have the energy. “I sent her to visit with her sister under the pretense I will speak to you to find out what’s going on.”
I let out a huff, I can’t tell Hans that Juan knew where Noah was all this time and let me suffer. I have to keep the secret now. Words started to form in my mouth, but not the words he is expecting to hear, “Tell Monica what you are Hans. If you love her, don’t let secrets and lies tear you apart, because they will if you’re not honest with her.”
He gapes at me shocked, but then he goes one better and dumbfounds me with his next words, “I picked up on something Juan said last night, he knew where Noah was all along, didn’t he?”
I turn my head away quickly so he can’t see my answer, which clearly shows on my face. I close my eyes and tears splashes down my face.
“I guess you don’t want to hear why he didn’t tell you, but you must know it was to protect you.” I shake my head letting Hans know I don’t want to hear anymore.
The bed moves slightly as he gets up and stands, “I will tell Monica I couldn’t get you to talk. My lips are sealed as you didn’t actually tell me anything. But, take some of your own advice Peppa, don’t let this rip you all apart. Face your demons, listen to what Juan and Noah have to say, because they both worship the ground you walk on and a love like that is too powerful to throw away.”
I watch as he strolls to the door, astonished by his words, and he turns back to look at me with a cheeky grin on his face, “Peppa, honey, take a shower. You stink.”
This causes a weak laugh to spill from my mouth and I find myself thanking him. He nods at me, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I know I'm not ready to hear what either of them have to say. I need to get past my grief first, before I take on theirs. I love them both, I just need to work out if forgiveness is something I can give again.
As I stand in the shower cleansing, something I have control over, a quote I have read somewhere comes to me, ‘There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forg
iveness without love.’ Oh did that ever ring true.
When I climb back into bed I notice a note on my pillow. I pick it up and read what Monica has written. She is threatening me with being force fed if I didn’t drink the cup of soup she has left for me. My stomach rumbles when the scent of the soup fills my nostrils. I don’t feel hungry but my stomach is telling me otherwise. I gag on the first sip, but I drink it, little by little, so I wouldn’t throw it back up. I must have drifted back to sleep at some point because I wake with a start when my phone started beeping at me. I'm a little frightened to look, because I am expecting Juan to contact me that way. I guess a part of me wanted it to be him too as I didn’t hesitate to open the message. I find a message from Lara instead reminding me it is my turn to open the café in the morning. Shit, shit.
My breathing becomes erratic, my palms sweaty and anxiety shows itself by making my heart beat faster than a racing car in my chest. How the hell am I supposed to face Lara knowing what I do about Noah? I can’t stand there and not want to tell her the news, so I can end her heartache. You’re going to have to lie and say you’re ill. I didn’t want to lie but I did. I text her back and tell her I have sickness and diarrhea and she will need to cover for me for a couple of days.
When her text comes back asking if there is anything I need and to feel better soon, I punch my pillow. I hate myself for lying to her. I hate that I then text back and said I am being looked after and not to worry about me. Lies lead to more lies, and I didn’t want to play that game, but it seems I am stuck in a circle of them.
I wake to find it is 1 am when I look at my phone. I find myself patting behind me to see if Juan is there, but of course he isn’t. I had made it clear I didn’t want to see him. I'm hit with a sense of loss and loneliness, he is always there and now he isn’t. I choke back the tears and cough, my throat is dry and I need some water, which means leaving the room.
I drag myself out of bed. I don’t even bother putting my dressing gown on and I stroll to the kitchen in just my knickers. I don’t register the noises at first, I'm distracted in my own head, but my eyes soon take in the full scene when I stop dead inside the kitchen door. My eyes widen and my mouth forms a perfect O. Monica is spread out on the kitchen counter and I watch Hans’ tanned ass go up and down as he makes Monica moan out her delight. He sniffs the air and his head quickly spins my way, all his features widen and he stops thrusting his hips. Monica then peers up at him with confusion and realizes that I’m standing there when she twist her head to see what Hans is gaping at.
She didn’t show any signs of embarrassment, instead her eyes travel the length of my body, “Peppa you’re nearly naked and flashing your tits at us.”
I glance down at myself and quickly cover my chest with my arms. I know I should turn around and walk away but instead I blurt out, “Monica, you’re naked shagging on top of the kitchen counter, and I have to eat off that.”
They both stare at me and frown and start to detangle themselves from each other. I put my hand up which freezes them both in place. “Stop right there, I came to get some water, let me quickly grab one from the fridge. I have seen enough of you both for one night, thank you, and I don’t need to see any dangling bits.”
Monica giggles and I rush to the fridge to get my drink and then quickly run out of the room to hear them both mumble a sorry. I'm not looking where I am going and run straight into a hard body and drop my water. The figure standing before me bends and picks it up. My body shakes a little and my heart skips a few beats as I think it’s Juan, but then I realize I don’t detect the connection, so that leaves only one other person.
Saul straightens his frame and reaches out his hand, intending me to take the water from him. My face shows confusion as I suddenly think something is wrong as there is no other reason for him to be here, so I ask him, “Is it Juan? Is he ok?”
Saul tilts his head to the side and peers at me questioningly, “You do still care for him then?”
I take the water from him and unscrew the top and take a big swallow. I notice his eyes have widened and then he diverts them gaping at something across the room. Monica and Hans chose this moment to saunter out of the kitchen dressed and holding hands.
Monica nudges me, “You’re still flashing your tits Peppa.”
Oh shit. My face flushes every shade of red and once again my arms cover up what shouldn’t be on display.
Hans hands me a blanket that decorates the sofa and I turn away from everyone and wrap it tightly around me. Monica is giving Saul the stink eye when I turn back around. I pat her on the arm and tell her to go to bed and that I will be ok.
Saul kept his eyes firmly focused on them until they left the room and then takes a deep breath. “Bloody wolves, don’t they realize how much they stink.”
I ignore his comment and ask again, “Saul, is Juan ok?”
He sighs, “Not really. He’s hurting, the same as Noah and yourself. I love my brother Peppa and he loves you deeply, but I will not let him throw his life away over some human, no matter if you are Entwined.”
For some reason Saul makes me feel guilty, and it must have shown on my face or I gave off a vibe. He puts his arms around me and draws me into his body. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to sound so harsh. I’m really worried about him. That’s why I’m here, he has disappeared and I was hoping this is where he would be.”
I shiver with fear as a chill sweeps through me. I can sense the hair on the back of my neck rise.
Saul must have felt my reaction as he shifts slightly and tilts my head to focus on him. “It will be ok, I promise, you all need space to deal with what has happened and I guess this is his way of doing that. He wouldn’t do anything stupid, he loves you too much for that.”
Saul’s phone beeps and he pulls it out of his pocket and reads the message. “Thank fuck for that.” He glances down at me and smiles. “He has turned up at Jade’s, I better go and talk to him. You should do the same when you are ready.”
I’m lost for words as relief and the comfort of knowing Juan is safe and has Saul and Noah to look after him floats through my mind. He steps away from me and says, “Let me leave you with this, and believe me it is true. Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” He nods his head and I nod back and he’s gone in a blink of an eye.
The next day I sleep for most of it. I'm awake for most of the night, my head full of the last couple of weeks. What hurt the most is Juan is the one who keeps me strong. He is my rock when everything else is crumbling around me. I even tell myself, I should have walked away that Friday night then none of this hurt and betrayal I feel would be consuming me. You’re kidding yourself Peppa, you love those men and you know it. I do love them but I don’t have to tolerate being lied to. I start groaning when someone starts saying my name and keeps telling me it is time to wake up.
I mumble and drool into my pillow, “Sod off, there’s nothing to get up for.” Water is splashed into my face and I sit up with a start yelling at the offender, “What the hell Monica?!”
My words are cut off when Monica gets right in my face looking very peeved, “I would shut up if I were you. Right now, I don’t know whether to kill you or slap you about a bit.”
Oh crap. I scoot back out of her line of fire and rest my back against the headboard. She throws herself flat on her back on my bed, her arm thrown over her face covering her eyes and she starts to cry. Concern for my best friend leads me to crawl over to her and to pry her arm away from her face and wipe her tears away. Her eyes remain closed.
“Monica what’s wrong? Is it your sister, the baby?” She shakes her head to mean no and I let out a sigh of relief. I stroke her face, “I can’t help you if you don’t speak to me and tell me what happened.”
She takes a big breath and turns to stare into my face, “Hans is gone, he left. He quit the band for good this morning.”
My face scrunches up with uncertainty, “I don’t understand, we knew he was going
to do that so why leave?”
She huffs, but a nervous laugh comes out to. “Probably because the man I love told me he is a fucking werewolf and my best friend knew about it.” She peers at me accusingly and I close my eyes. The bed shifts and I open my eyes to watch her push herself up into a sitting position.
“Monica, please, I know it’s a shock. I was the same when Juan told me. But if you love him, don’t let it stand in your way. He’s a good man. Just because he changes into a werewolf doesn’t mean he’s not the man you have fallen in love with.” Her body twists to face me and all I see is bafflement, I reach out and take her hand in mine.
We stare silently at each other for a minute until Monica breaks it, “Hans said I should speak to you, as you will know what to say. You should have told me about him and Juan.”
I shake my head, “There is so much I have wanted to tell you, especially about Juan, who is a vampire by the way.”
A look of shock crosses her face, I guess Hans didn’t tell her that part. “He won’t hurt you or try to suck your blood if that’s what you’re worried about and Monica it really isn’t my place to tell you about Hans, but I’m glad he has opened up to you.”
I watch as fear, confusion and then anger explode over Monica’s face and then inside of her as she pulls her hand out of mine and angrily pushes herself away from me and off the bed. My heart aches for her as I know the turmoil of Hans’ revelation will be ripping away at her heart.
She paces the room mumbling to herself, “We are told that they don’t exist, but here I am being told that they do, that my lover is a werewolf and yours is a vampire. How do you live with that?”
A tear escapes my eye. “It’s hard, especially now that I have two vampire lovers.” She stops dead in her tracks. The tears fall freely now, “All I can say is, if you love him, you will accept what he is. You need to ask yourself if you can look past the beast and see the man who makes you happy and loves you back, because he does Monica.” I break down then as my heart breaks for Monica and myself, we are two women who find ourselves involved in the world of the unknown and let’s face it, it’s pretty scary.