‘You love me?’
‘I’ve almost said as much, haven’t I? It’s just the words sometimes seem inadequate for what I’m actually feeling. But I do. I love you Grace and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So stay in Conwenna with Hope, Amy and Tom and me. The thought of life without you now is too bleak to contemplate.’
She nodded, taking in the way his eyes roamed her face and how good his fingers felt laced between hers.
‘What about Linda, though? I’d hate for you to turn around in a few months’ time and compare me to her. I’ve thought a lot about this over the past week. She’ll always be perfect in your eyes and in the children’s, and I can’t compete with a… a dead woman.’
‘There’s no competition here at all, Grace. I loved Linda but she wasn’t perfect. No one is. Amy has memories and I’ll always do my best to keep them alive for her. As for Tom, he was a lot younger, but I will do what I can to help him remember her too, because that’s my duty as their father. Linda will always be their mum. She loved them deeply and I don’t want them to forget that. I won’t let them forget that. But we have a future ahead of us and my children are crazy about you. Amy and Tom want and need you around now, Grace. Amy hasn’t taken off that scarf you bought her and I even found it on her pillow next to her last night.’
Grace blinked hard. ‘That’s so sweet. I love them too.’
‘I’m not saying that life with two children will be easy, because it certainly won’t, but I promise there’ll be many good times and that we’ll have fun. We’ll have ups and downs, but isn’t that called living?’
Grace nodded. ‘I want ups and downs. I don’t want to live without feeling any more, Oli.’
‘So stay. Live with us. See what the future brings.’
‘I will.’
‘Are you sad at the thought of… leaving anyone behind in Cardiff?’
‘There is no one.’
‘No friends?’
She shook her head. ‘Growing up, I focused on my family. Sam was often unwell and I spent as much time as possible with him, reading to him, playing cards with him and watching movies with him. We’d talk for hours. He was my brother, but he was also my best friend. I know lots of siblings don’t get on but we did. Whether it was because we knew he wouldn’t have long or not, I don’t know, but we were so close.’
‘He was lucky to have you.’
‘Sometimes I get angry, you know? At Cystic Fibrosis. My parents do too and they’ve carried so much guilt about it. They were both carriers and after they had Sam and he was diagnosed, they decided not to have another child in case it happened again. They loved and adored Sam but were terrified of losing him. Then I came along in spite of their decision.’
‘As if you were meant to exist.’
‘That’s what Sam always said. I made my own way into the world despite everything that should have prevented it.’
‘So you could have been ill too?’
‘Yes. There was a one in four chance. But I was clear. I could be a carrier, which is why I’ll never have children, but I don’t actually have it.’
‘Did you feel guilty about that?’
‘Every day of my life. It seemed so unfair that Sam had it and I didn’t.’
‘Did he ever say that?’
‘Once. Not to me but to my mum and I overheard him. He was feeling particularly poorly on his sixteenth birthday and he said that life was cruel. He asked her why it was him who was ill, and why he couldn’t have just one day where he didn’t have to suffer. But as far as I know, he never said it again. He’d have known how much that would have hurt them and how bad they felt anyway.’
‘That’s a lot for you to carry around with you, especially when you were growing up.’
‘But I always felt that I could carry it because I wasn’t the one who was suffering. I didn’t feel sorry for myself because that would have been awful… how could I pity myself when my brother was the one who was ill?’
‘I felt guilty after Linda was diagnosed with cancer. She was pregnant and I asked myself a million times why it couldn’t have been me. I could have started treatment right away and she could have lived. But she refused treatment, in spite of my encouragement. She wouldn’t risk the baby. I pressed her, said that we could have more children and I’d never be able to replace her, but she refused. And now… when I look at Tom, I’m so glad. I can’t believe I ever suggested that he wasn’t as important as her because those children are my world.’
‘Oli, we’ve both carried guilt and grief around for so long.’
‘The counselling helped a bit, but letting go is hard.’
‘It is harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive someone else. But really, neither of us is to blame.’
He shook his head.
‘You know… Sam could have had a transplant but he refused it. He said he was tired of fighting, and couldn’t bear to go through all that if it just ended up with him not getting any better. I tried to persuade him to have the operation when a donor came up but he wouldn’t even consider it.’
‘So, he was as stubborn as Linda in that respect.’
‘Yes, even though it was for different reasons.’
‘Did you ever… fall in love then?’
‘No. There was a guy… a while back. I’d known him from school and we went on a few dates but I couldn’t really get into it, if that makes sense? I mean… I had a few… flings, but never anything serious because I was terrified that they’d want more. And I couldn’t give them more.’
‘And that guy?’
‘He proposed. Said he’d always fancied me and wanted to approach me. Although I think he was lying, because I didn’t remember him paying me any attention in school. To be honest, I think he liked the fact that I was an author and he fancied himself as a kept man.’
‘So he proposed?’
‘It was ridiculous. We’d been on about six dates, then he took me to a restaurant and pulled out a ring.’
Oli grimaced.
‘I know. He gave me this spiel about how he adored me and how I was his perfect woman and blah blah…’
‘Right. So proposals turn you off.’
‘His did because I’m sure he was just after my money. He cottoned onto the fact that I was earning and he wasn’t. I think he saw me as a vulnerable woman who’d make a great meal ticket.’
‘Give me his address and I’ll go round there.’
Grace laughed. ‘He’s really not worth it. Besides, two weeks later he was with another woman, so I don’t think I broke his heart.’
‘I can’t stand to think of anyone coming after you like that.’
‘He was harmless enough. My parents were a bit disappointed as they hoped he might be the one, but they didn’t know him very well, and if they had, they’d have warned me off him.’
‘So he bit the dust then?’
‘Yes. I walked right out of that restaurant and didn’t look back.’
Grace moved closer to him and wrapped her arms around his waist.
‘Oli… I love you.’
He lowered his head and kissed her gently.
Two seagulls screeched overhead and a boat out on the water honked its horn. The sea breeze washed over them, sharp and briny, a reminder of where they were, and Grace’s heart soared.
‘I also love it here.’
‘I love having you here.’
‘Well, in that case, I’m never going to leave.’
Oli lifted her up then and squeezed her so tight, she gasped.
‘Good. Because, Grace Phillips, I’m never letting you go.’
Epilogue
Grace finished typing a sentence, saved the document then closed it. She stood up and stretched. Another book was finished and ready for Louise to check before she sent it to her agent.
There was an enormous sense of satisfaction from finishing a book, even when she knew it would need to go through several rounds of edits and copyedits. It was like the first r
ung on a ladder, a step in the right direction, and Grace knew that she could enjoy the summer holidays with her family without worrying about meeting her September deadline.
She looked around her writing room and smiled. Oli had enlisted Simon’s help to build Grace a writing space in the pretty cottage garden. It was, essentially, a wooden summer house, with its circular floor and French doors that overlooked the garden, but they’d built floor to ceiling shelves inside it to cover the walls, bought a beautiful antique writing desk complete with a comfortable chair, and even added a squishy sofa, so that Grace could read if she tired of writing and wanted some peace and quiet. Of course, the sofa was occupied most of the time by Hope – as it was now – the faithful greyhound was never far from Grace’s side.
Hope had made a good recovery and had turned out to be the sweetest, most gentle hound. Oli had cautioned that she might need some rehabilitation, but Hope had responded so well to living with Grace and her parents, that Neil and Elena had said it wouldn’t make sense to take her back to the sanctuary. Besides, Oli was experienced with rescue dogs and he was on hand for any issues they might face with Hope, but none had arisen. She still occasionally stole food from the kitchen, even though she was well fed, but they all learnt to accept that it was a throwback to the life she’d lived before. And she was a friendly, happy dog. Hope needed to know exactly where Grace was at all times, but Grace knew that she wouldn’t want to leave Hope for an extended period of time anyway. She also knew that her parents would be happy to dog sit, so Hope would never be left completely alone and they wouldn’t need to worry over separation anxiety, as it seemed that Simon was her second favourite person.
The doors to the summer house were wide open and the summer breeze filled the space, carrying the beautiful scents of the roses that climbed the exterior of the summer house, as well as the sweetness of the honeysuckle that grew on the pergola just outside the cottage. Everything was in full bloom: Grace and Oli had worked hard that spring to create a garden that they could enjoy together. They’d also bought some new furniture for the cottage that they’d chosen together, and put everything of Linda’s that the children had wanted to keep into a local storage facility. It was important, they’d agreed, that Amy and Tom keep everything of Linda’s that they wanted to, and even though Tom was still a bit young, they’d put some things aside for him just in case.
Grace had moved in with them in the spring. She’d stayed at the cottage a few times a week, while they all got to know one another properly, and soon it had seemed the natural next step for Grace to move in. She’d returned to Cardiff twice with her parents to collect her belongings and to sign off on her rental flat, but she’d been so glad that she wasn’t going back there to stay permanently. Her old flat in the Welsh capital seemed so small and clinical, not at all like the cottages in Conwenna Cove that were full of character and life. She knew that if she’d returned to Cardiff to live, she’d have spent her life wondering what if… and that thought was unbearable when she now knew how much she could have. It wasn’t that she didn’t like the Welsh city, because she did and she’d always have fond memories of her childhood there, growing up with Sam, but she had nothing left there any more; her life was in Conwenna Cove, with Oli, Amy, Tom and Hope. As well as her parents who were thoroughly enjoying their time in the pretty coastal village.
Grace knew that being in Cornwall had helped her and her parents to heal. Letting go of Sam on New Year’s Eve had been a big step for all of them, and she felt that he was finally at peace too. Knowing that he’d been sitting in that urn had unsettled her for a long time, but the thought that he was free, that his atoms were out on the sea carrying him to foreign climes, comforted her. He was being absorbed by the world around them and that meant that he’d always be close. And, of course, she’d always carry him in her heart.
She walked out into the garden and Hope leapt off the sofa and followed her.
‘I guess the rest of the day is ours to do with as we please, Hope.’
The greyhound dropped into a bow, wagging her tail in wide arcs.
‘Are you done now, Grace?’
Tom ran into the garden and stopped right in front of her.
‘Yes, Tom, all done.’
‘Can we go to the beach?’
She looked down at him and took in his big happy smile and warm brown eyes. Her little boy.
‘Yes, Tom, we can. Have you got sun cream on?’
‘Yes! Daddy covered me in so much that I was white.’ He shivered and Grace smiled. Tom hated having sun cream on, to the extent that they sometimes had to pin him down and cover him with it as he wriggled and squirmed. It always ended up with them all laughing and covered in the sticky white sunblock.
‘It’s all rubbed in around your ears and the back of your neck?’ Grace peered around him to check.
‘Yes.’
‘Promise?’
‘Promise.’
‘Okay, well grab your cap and your sunglasses and I’ll go and get ready.’
Grace and Hope went into the cottage and she headed upstairs to change while Amy made sure that Hope had a drink.
‘There you are!’ Oli met Grace at the bedroom door and swept her into a hug. ‘Book all done?’
‘Yes. Such a relief. So now I’m all yours.’
‘Hmmm. I like the sound of that.’
He kissed her softly and she melted against him.
‘Hey, stop it. We have to get ready.’
‘I’ve packed everything we need including the picnic, so you get you bathers on and we’re good to go.’
Ten minutes later, Grace padded down the stairs to find her family waiting in the hallway, the three of them wearing baseball caps and sunglasses while Hope wore a bright pink bandana around her neck.
‘Grace did you put sun cream on?’ Tom asked, as he gazed up at her.
‘I did.’
‘And where’s your hat?’
‘On the peg.’
She reached for the floppy straw hat and put it on. ‘Don’t worry, Tom, I’m taking no chances.’ As a redhead, she always covered herself in sunblock and wore a hat and glasses to protect herself from the sun.
‘Have you got your swimming costume on?’ Tom asked.
‘Yes, it’s under my dress.’
‘Yay!’
Grace laughed. She’d always been a bit self-conscious about her body but having children was a great leveller. For one, she wanted Amy to grow up happy with herself and who she was, so Grace had to be a good role model. Secondly, there was Tom, with his infectious enthusiasm for life that meant that Grace had to take part in everything, and that included swimming in the sea. Then, of course, there was Oli’s constant reassurance that he loved her and her figure, and that he found her incredibly beautiful. If he thought she was so lovely, then that was all that mattered. The combination had meant that she now lived life to the full, unhindered by self-consciousness, or by society’s projections of female perfection. She had a family and she was loved for who she was. And that was something so precious that she never ever forgot to revel in it.
They headed out of the front garden and walked down to the cove, carefully negotiating their way down the path to the sand. When they got there, Simon and Louise were already all set up near the rock pools, with deck chairs, blankets and a barbecue smoking away. They also had a large cooler that Grace suspected contained food for the barbecue and plenty of drinks.
The sun was high in the sky, so she helped Oli to set up the two sun umbrellas they’d brought with them, then they did a quick top-up of the children’s sun cream.
‘Can I go in the sea, Daddy?’ Tom asked.
‘You certainly can. I’ll come too. Grace?’
She looked at her parents who nodded. ‘If Mum and Dad don’t need any help?’
‘Food won’t be ready for a while so you go on, love,’ Louise said.
‘Amy, are you coming in?’
‘Yes!’ Amy stripped off her shorts and t-shirt a
nd took Tom’s hand while Grace removed her sundress and hat.
‘Hope, are you coming in?’ Grace asked the dog, but Hope was taking a lot of interest in what Simon was placing on the mini barbecue. ‘I guess not. Keep an eye on her, Dad?’
‘Of course. And I promise not to give her any sausages. Right, Hope?’ He gave the dog an exaggerated wink.
‘Come on, then.’ Grace took Oli’s hand and they ran down to the sea with the children.
As she stood at the water’s edge and it lapped at her toes, she breathed deeply. The cove was so beautiful with its soft white sand surrounded by craggy grey cliffs. The waves lapped at the shore and seagulls cried overhead, while from all around her came the sounds of people enjoying their day. It wasn’t yet high summer, so Conwenna hadn’t been overrun with tourists, and even in peak season the cove always stayed quieter than other beaches along the coastline, as if it was a secret belonging to the locals. It meant that Grace and her family had enjoyed many days there together, in spring when the weather still called for layers and sometimes waterproofs and now in the heat of July, when a dip in the cooling water was very welcome.
Tom ran into the water first then Amy followed, and they both gasped as the cold water covered them.
‘You’re next.’ Grace gave Oli a playful push.
‘Oh, really?’ Oli raised his eyebrows. ‘I’m not going in alone.’
He turned and held out his arms.
‘Come on.’
‘No. I need to get acclimatized to it first. See.’ She dipped her toes in the water and goosebumps rose all over her body.
‘It’s better to do it in one go. You know that by now.’
Oli shook his head then dived at her and scooped her up.
‘Put me down!’ Grace kicked her legs.
‘Go on, Daddy, throw her in!’ Tom shouted.
‘No! Please don’t, Oli.’ Grace clung to his neck.
‘No, Tom, I’m not that mean.’ Oli kissed Grace’s cheek. ‘But we are going in.’
He lunged forwards and carried them both into the water until it reached his chest and covered Grace’s body too.
‘It’s freezing!’
Christmas at Conwenna Cove Page 22