‘Why should that make a difference to me?’ Evie said.
Celeste studied her sister’s young face, wondering at her innocence. ‘Aren’t you scared?’ she asked her.
‘Of what? Giving birth?’
‘No,’ Celeste said. ‘Of turning into Mum.’
Evie frowned. ‘I loved Mum,’ she said. ‘I know she had her faults. Everyone does. And I know you had issues with her, but why should that affect me now? Anyway, if anybody’s likely to turn into Mum, it’ll be you, not me.’
‘Don’t say that,’ Celeste said.
‘But you’re just like her – spending hours in that study and never really knowing what’s going on with us.’
‘Evie!’ Gertie said in warning, but Evie wouldn’t be stopped now.
‘What?’
‘I am not like Mum,’ Celeste said, her dark eyes suddenly filling with tears and her voice wavering as something inside her suddenly cracked. ‘Don’t you ever say that to me again!’
‘But you said –’
‘You have no idea what I went through with her!’ Celeste cried. ‘What I’m still going through. No idea at all. She made me feel – so –’
‘What?’ Evie said, her voice still filled with fury.
‘Useless,’ Celeste said, the tears coursing down her face. ‘I could never do anything right. I was always, always wrong and it hurts so much to hear you say I’m not doing a good enough job too.’
‘But I didn’t,’ Evie said.
‘You’re so critical of me, Evie.’
‘Celly, I’m not. I just – I don’t like you shutting us all out. You’ve always done that and I hate it.’
‘Because that’s what Mum did to me,’ Celeste said, wiping her eyes with a tissue that Gertie had passed to her. ‘She never let me get close to her. She never wanted to know me.’
The room was silent for a moment. Evie was the first to speak.
‘She never wanted to know me either,’ Evie said.
Celeste frowned. ‘But you two were so close,’ she said.
Evie shrugged. ‘No,’ she said. ‘Not really. I thought we were, but it wasn’t closeness, exactly. It was something else.’
‘What?’ Gertie asked.
‘Her vanity, I think,’ Evie said. ‘She loved to dress me up and parade me about. I was like a doll to her. A pretty little girl to spoil. But it was never love. I’m beginning to see that now.’ She turned briefly to Esther, who gave her a little smile and patted her hand.
Celeste looked across at Evie and the two sisters exchanged a look, and a new understanding seemed to dawn between them.
‘She made life pretty tough for all of us,’ Gertie said.
Esther, who’d been watching the scene before her, cleared her throat and, squeezing Evie’s hand, spoke.
‘Your mother was a very difficult woman to get on with,’ she told them. ‘She was ambitious and stubborn and, yes, she could be cruel. I was a victim of that cruel tongue of hers on more than one occasion and I can only imagine what Celeste and you two have gone through, but I also believe that she did love you. In her own way.’
‘Do you?’ Celeste said, her eyes still shiny with tears.
Esther nodded. ‘I do.’
‘I’m not so sure,’ Celeste said, her voice full of bleakness. ‘I never felt it.’
Gertie reached her hands across the table and took Celeste’s.
‘I’m sorry,’ Evie said. ‘I didn’t mean to make you cry.’ There were tears in Evie’s eyes too now.
‘It’s okay,’ Celeste said.
‘I guess we’ll never really know what we all went through with Mum.’
‘We will if we talk about it more,’ Celeste said.
Evie gave a tiny smile. ‘I’d like that.’
Celeste took a deep breath. ‘I didn’t mean to sound so disapproving of your plans for the baby. I’m thrilled for you. I really am. It’s just –’
‘What?’ Evie asked, her voice gentle now.
‘I just can’t imagine having your optimism,’ Celeste told her. ‘Not after everything we’ve been through as a family.’
‘Well, perhaps this baby will make things better,’ Evie said simply. ‘Maybe it’s time to make things right.’
They all exchanged looks, softer this time. The fight seemed to have gone out of them.
‘You mean play at happy families?’ Celeste said.
‘Why not? It would make a nice change, wouldn’t it?’ Evie said.
Celeste couldn’t argue with that, but the enormity of the situation still hadn’t really sunk in. A baby. Was Little Eleigh Manor really ready for a baby? A little child toddling around the crumbling rooms and tumbling into the moat? And babies were expensive, weren’t they? As it was, the three of them barely had enough money to take care of themselves. But Celeste had the good sense not to voice these qualms.
‘Do you know who the father is?’ Gertie asked.
‘Of course I know,’ Evie said, frowning at her sister.
‘It’s Lukas, isn’t it?’ Gertie said. ‘I’ve seen the way he looks at you.’
‘Even I’ve seen the way he looks at you,’ Esther said, and everyone laughed, instantly lightening the mood.
‘Does he know?’ Celeste asked.
‘No,’ Evie said, looking down at the kitchen table and drawing a little circle with her fingertip around a rough knot.
‘So you’ve only told Esther?’ Celeste asked.
‘Don’t start again,’ Evie said.
‘I wasn’t starting,’ Celeste said. ‘I’m just trying to get things clear, that’s all.’
‘I think she should tell him,’ Esther said, and everyone looked at her. ‘I know I’m not family –’
‘You’re family to me,’ Evie said and, once again, the two women exchanged a look that made Celeste feel like an outsider.
‘But you should tell him,’ Esther finished.
The four women around the table looked at each other in turn.
Gertie nodded. ‘He’s a sweet guy,’ she said. ‘He should know.’ She then turned her gaze to Celeste, as did Evie and Esther.
Celeste cleared her throat. ‘I agree,’ she said. ‘He should definitely know.’
Evie sighed. ‘It’s not what I wanted,’ she said.
‘What did you want?’ Gertie asked, leaning forward slightly as if trying to get closer to the truth.
‘I wanted something of my own. Something that nobody could take away from me.’
‘You think he’ll try and take the baby away from you?’ Gertie said.
Evie shrugged.
‘You’re thinking of Betty, aren’t you?’ Celeste said.
‘Who’s Betty?’ Esther asked, and Celeste couldn’t help feeling just a little smug that she knew something about her sister that Esther didn’t.
‘Betty was Evie’s kitten. It was a dear little thing. Totally white but with a tiny patch of black over her left eye,’ Celeste said. ‘She was given to Evie by one of our gardeners, I think. His cat had had a litter and he was desperately trying to find homes for the kittens. Well, Mum had always hated cats so we decided not to tell her about it and kept it hidden in the north wing.’
‘We did a really good job too,’ Gertie piped up. ‘We fed it and let it out in the garden where we knew she wouldn’t be seen.’
‘But then I came back from school one day and she’d gone. We looked everywhere for her and finally had to ask Mum,’ Evie said. ‘I’ll never forget the look of triumph on her face when she said she’d discovered our little secret and that she’d punished us for not telling her. I just couldn’t understand it.’
‘But that’s crazy,’ Gertie said. ‘You can’t not tell a father he has a child just because Mum got rid of your kitten years and years ago. Lukas isn’t Mum, for a start.’
‘It’s a her?’ Celeste said.
Evie nodded. ‘I think so,’ she said. ‘I don’t know for sure but I think of it as a her,’ she said, resting a hand on her belly. ‘Anyway, it’s not just the kitten. Mum used to come into my room all the time. She’d sometimes take things too.’
Esther frowned. ‘Like what?’
‘Like a little glass vase I once bought with my pocket money at the church fete. It wasn’t very special, really, but it was this amazing green colour – almost luminous. I loved it so much. Well, Mum obviously did too, because one day I discovered it sitting on the hall table with a handful of roses in it. “It’s selfish of you not to share it,” she told me. “Now everyone can enjoy it.” I never got it back,’ Evie said. ‘I never really felt like anything was mine with her around. I’d come home from school and wonder what would be missing or what she would have been snooping through.’
They both turned to Celeste. ‘Did she ever take anything of yours?’ Evie asked.
Celeste took a deep breath. ‘My sanity? My will to live?’ she said and they all exchanged sad smiles.
Gertie squeezed her hand.
‘You know she had a condition? A personality disorder,’ Celeste said.
Gertie looked thoughtful. ‘I suspected something like that.’
‘Julian told me about it and I’ve been reading about it on the internet. His brother has the same condition,’ she said, turning to each of her sisters.
‘You sure she wasn’t just weird?’ Gertie asked.
‘Some forms of weird can be diagnosed, and the more I read up on it, the more I realise that there are so many people out there that we may never be able to get along with but that we can at least begin to understand,’ Celeste said. ‘I think that’s important – to realise that the fault doesn’t lie with us and that there was very little we could have done to change her.’
Evie’s eyes were full of tears. ‘I’m sorry for what I said about you, Celly.’
Celeste nodded. ‘It’s okay,’ she said, getting up from the table. ‘Look, it’s late. We should be in bed – especially you, Evie. You’re sleeping for two now.’
Evie gave a weak smile.
‘Good night. I’m sorry we disturbed you, Esther.’
‘Don’t you worry,’ Esther said. ‘I wouldn’t have missed this for the world.’ And then she gave Celeste the first smile she had ever received from her. Celeste blinked in surprise. It was definitely time to go to bed.
‘Celly,’ Gertie said a moment later as she followed her sister and Frinton into the hallway.
‘Yes?’ Celeste turned to face her.
‘What you said in there – about us turning into Mum. That really worries you, doesn’t it?’
‘More than anything in the world,’ she confessed.
‘Me too,’ Gertie said.
‘Really?’
‘Of course,’ she said. ‘What daughter never fears turning into her mother? I can’t think of any!’
Celeste smiled. ‘When did you know?’
‘What? That Mum wasn’t quite right?’ Gertie said. ‘I’m not sure. It kind of sneaked up on me. I mean, it’s hard to really gauge these things, isn’t it? Because everything in a family seems normal when you’re growing up. But I suppose it was when I was reading books – books about happy families. It made me wonder if our situation was normal after all. Then Dad left. At the time, I thought it was his fault but I slowly came to realise that he just couldn’t cope with Mum anymore. Heaven only knows what he went through with her, and I know I didn’t bear the brunt of it like you did with her. But there was one thing, one incident, that made me realise she wasn’t quite right.’
‘What was that?’
‘It was that day you disappeared,’ Gertie said.
‘You remember that?’
‘Of course I do,’ she said. ‘Where did you go?’
‘To the woods,’ Celeste said. ‘I wanted to stay there all night but it was pretty cold and uncomfortable.’
Gertie shook her head. ‘I wish I’d known. I would have come looking for you.’
‘I really didn’t want to be found,’ she said.
‘I remember what Mum said at the time,’ Gertie said a moment later.
‘What did she say?’
‘That you were impossible to get along with,’ Gertie said, ‘and that you were spiteful and selfish.’
Celeste swallowed hard. She had heard those words from her mother’s lips hundreds of times, but knowing that they’d been used against her in front of her sisters made her go suddenly cold.
‘That’s when I knew there was something wrong with Mum. It was like being hit by a truck to hear Mum lying like that. I couldn’t believe it but the evidence was right before me. My Mum was telling me this big heap of lies and she expected me to join in with her too!’ Gertie gave a hollow laugh. ‘She really thought I was going to side with her against you.’
‘I’m very glad you didn’t,’ Celeste said.
‘I know it was you who got the worst of Mum’s condition,’ Gertie said. ‘Evie knows that too but she sometimes forgets. I think she’s still really confused as to how she feels about Mum. There are so many mixed up emotions but I’m sure of one thing – she certainly didn’t mean those things she said tonight.’
‘Didn’t she?’
‘No, of course not.’
‘But what if she’s right? I know my faults, Gertie. I know I’m not open or warm and –’
‘Stop it!’ Gertie said, reaching out to hug her. ‘You’re the warmest person I know. Who else would have run home to bail us out of trouble?’
They gave each other a hug in the silent, shadowy hallway, the sound of the clock ticking the middle-of-the-night minutes away.
‘Why didn’t we all talk together like this years ago?’ Gertie said at last.
‘I don’t know,’ Celeste said. ‘It might have helped us cope better with what we were all going through with Mum.’
Gertie nodded. ‘I used to think her behaviour was my fault,’ she said. ‘It was hard not to when she was shouting me down.’
‘Me too,’ Celeste said.
They looked at each other for a long moment.
‘Did you love her?’ Gertie asked at last, and Celeste felt tears pricking her eyes.
‘She made it very hard to love her,’ she said, and Gertie nodded.
‘I know.’
‘I don’t think I ever really knew how I felt about her,’ Celeste said.
‘Do you think she ever loved us?’ Gertie asked, and her face was that of a child’s again, soft and vulnerable. ‘I mean really loved us?’
Celeste sighed. ‘I don’t know. I’m not sure she was really capable of it. There were flashes of pride sometimes – if we managed to achieve things that would reflect well on her – but that’s not the same as love, is it? And she certainly didn’t know about unconditional love. That’s the true love of a parent, isn’t it? To love their children no matter what they do or say or achieve?’
Gertie nodded. ‘Or what they wear?’
Celeste groaned. ‘Exactly. Let’s go to bed,’ she said. ‘I’m exhausted.’
‘Yes, family revelations like pregnant sisters always leave me exhausted too,’ Gertie said and they both laughed.
‘I can’t believe Evie’s going to be a mother,’ Celeste said as they climbed the stairs together with Frinton sprinting ahead.
‘I’m going to be an aunt!’ Gertie said.
They walked along the corridor, passing their mother’s bedroom.
‘What do you think Mum would have said?’ Gertie asked.
Celeste took a deep breath. ‘I think she would have said something damaging and upsetting and shown Evie the door.’
/> Gertie nodded. ‘I think you’re right.’
28.
It was early the next morning when the phone went. Far too early for three sisters who had been up half the night arguing and then bonding. It was Gertie who got to the phone first, immediately regretting her alacrity as soon as she realised that it was their father’s wife, Simone, and she wasn’t in a good mood.
‘Don’t you think I don’t know you did this!’ she cried into poor Gertie’s left ear.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about, Simone,’ Gertie said innocently.
‘The hell you don’t! I don’t know which one of you it was. It was probably all three of you. Thick as thieves you are, as well as thieves! Well, you’re not going to get away –’
Gertie held the phone out to Celeste.
‘I don’t want it!’ Celeste cried, but Gertie flung it towards her all the same.
‘I’ve never known such sneaky, spiteful girls!’ Simone was saying. ‘Your father doesn’t know the half of it. And after all I’ve done for you!’
Celeste guffawed, causing Frinton to bark loudly.
‘Who is it?’ Evie said, coming into the hallway.
‘It’s for you,’ Celeste said, calmly handing the phone to her.
Evie took it from her sister and blanched as soon as she heard the irate voice at the other end of the line.
‘Pardon?’ she said. ‘What did you call me?’
Celeste and Gertie exchanged bemused looks.
‘You ring the police?’ Evie continued. ‘It’ll be us ringing the police and telling them about how you stole the painting from Little Eleigh Manor, along with a whole host of other things that are dotted around your house.’
‘What other things?’ Gertie asked, and Simone obviously asked the same question because Evie continued.
‘Like the candlesticks in the dining room,’ Evie said, ‘and the little glass bowl that was in the hallway. Did you really think we wouldn’t notice, you stupid old woman? Look – don’t call here again, okay?’ And, with that, Evie hung up the phone to a round of applause from her sisters and an excited round of barks from Frinton.
The Rose Girls Page 24