But she’d changed him. She’d turned him from that cynical, detached, lonely man into someone with hope for the future… a future filled with happiness, a loving wife, and fine, healthy children.
And now all his newly found hopes and dreams were gone. Vanished. Shattered. She’d said she couldn’t bear to lose someone else she loved—yet she was willing to lose him. And that left no doubt what her feelings toward him were.
God Almighty, if he didn’t hurt so damn bad, if he wasn’t so racked with pain and anguish, he could almost laugh. The “incomparable, invulnerable” Duke of Bradford brought to his knees by a woman… a woman he’d thought was the answer to all his dreams. Dreams he hadn’t even known he had.
Instead she’d turned out to be his worst nightmare.
Elizabeth stared numbly at the door Austin had just closed and listened to the lock fall into place with a click that echoed in her mind like a death knell.
Just as she wondered if she’d ever feel anything again, pain ripped through her, exploding everywhere, searing her very skin. Clapping her hands over her mouth to contain a cry of anguish, she sank to her knees on the floor.
Never, ever, would she forget the look on his face, the gentle tenderness her words had turned into bitterness; the warmth changed into icy indifference; the caring into loathing.
Dear God, she loved him so much. So much that she couldn’t bear to give him a child who would die. She’d never make him understand that he would blame himself for their daughter’s death, and that his guilt and anguish would destroy him. That he would never recover.
She’d paid with her soul to offer him his freedom. But the cost to her did not matter. An honorable man like Austin would balk at ending their union, would have consigned himself to enduring a lifetime with her and a childless marriage. A celibate marriage. He deserved happiness, a proper wife, children to love. She would have said anything to convince him.
And she had.
A bitter laugh erupted from her throat as she recalled her words. I fancied being a duchess… I cannot have children with you… but I could with someone else. It was my child with you who died.
Those lies had cost her everything. The man she loved. Children. She could never, would never, be with any other man. She’d nearly choked on the words I fancied being a duchess. She’d said them as a last resort, when it became clear that he wasn’t going to accept her decision unless she extinguished every bit of caring he had for her. And now he believed her to be nothing more than a scheming fortune hunter and a liar. The effort of keeping her anguish hidden, of making him believe she’d wanted a title, wanted a life without him, had nearly killed her.
But then he’d made it so much worse with his declaration of love. I love you, Elizabeth. She couldn’t contain the tortured sob that rose from her chest. How much more pain could she bear before she simply shattered? To have longed for the precious gift of his love, to have been given that gift, then to have had to destroy it… to see that love fade from his eyes, replaced by hurt, then anger and disgust… Dear God, how was she going to survive this?
And what if it was all for naught?
What if she were already pregnant?
Chapter 19
Elizabeth snipped fragrant lilac blooms from a leafy bush along the perimeter of the formal garden at Wesley Manor, the country estate just outside London that had been her home for the past three weeks. She tried to concentrate on the task at hand so as not to cut her fingers, but it was nearly impossible.
Three weeks had passed since her confrontation with Austin.
Three weeks since he’d sent her here, sent her away from him with nothing more than a terse note: You will send a message immediately should you see something or when you know if you’re with child.
But after three weeks she hadn’t had a single vision… hadn’t felt anything but heartache. And she still didn’t know if she was with child. Every night she lay in her lonely bed, filled with anxiety, her hands resting on her stomach, trying to sense if a child grew within her, but all she saw was darkness. Unrelenting darkness.
These had been the longest, loneliest three weeks of her life.
Yet the alternative, living in the same house as Austin, facing him every day, trying to hide her misery and live the lie she’d created, would have proven impossible. She was much better off here.
Even so, the anguish that was her constant companion showed no signs of abating. She tried to keep herself busy, to keep her thoughts occupied so as not to torture herself wondering what he was doing. Or whom he was doing it with.
But no matter how many flowers she picked, how much lilac water she distilled, how many hours she spent reading or roaming the grounds, nothing eased the ache in her heart. She tried to console herself with the knowledge that her actions had spared Austin the torment of losing a child and the emptiness of a cold marriage bed, but nothing could erase the agony that clawed at her every time she pictured his face.
A memory of him filled her mind and turned her blood cold. Him staring at her, as he had in those final moments, with loathing in his eyes.
Hot tears spilled from her eyes and she impatiently wiped at them with her gloved fingers. She’d promised herself that she wouldn’t cry today. How long would it take before she could make it through an entire day without crying? She almost laughed. Dear God, how long before she could make it through an entire hour without crying?
“There you are,” came Robert’s jolly voice from behind her. “Caroline and I had nearly given you up for lost.”
Dismay filled her and she quickly swiped at her eyes. Adopting what she hoped was a cheerful expression, she turned and smiled at her approaching brother-in-law.
Robert saw her face and his footsteps nearly faltered.
By damn, she’d been crying again. In spite of her smile, there was no hiding the red-rimmed eyes that spoke so eloquently of sleepless nights and profound sadness.
A spurt of anger shot through him. What the devil was wrong with his brother? Couldn’t Austin see how miserable she was? No, of course he couldn’t—he was in London. Three weeks ago, Austin had asked him to accompany Elizabeth, Caroline, and their mother to Wesley Manor, explaining that he didn’t want them to return to Bradford Hall until the case of the Runner’s death was solved.
But Robert knew something was seriously wrong between his brother and Elizabeth. He’d visited Austin yesterday, and based on their time together, Robert knew his brother was just as miserable as Elizabeth, if not more so. He’d never seen Austin in such a holy foul mood.
As for Elizabeth, he’d simply never encountered such a dispirited, brokenhearted individual as his sister-in-law. She reminded him of a lovely flower that someone had forgotten to water, so it simply wilted and withered away. Well, he’d had enough of it. Whatever was keeping Austin and Elizabeth apart was about to end.
Pretending he didn’t see the tears still shimmering in her eyes, he made her an exaggerated, formal bow. “How lovely you look, Elizabeth.” Without giving her a chance to reply, he slipped her hand through his elbow and propelled her down the path. “We must hurry, the coach is leaving in”—he quickly calculated how much time Caroline and his mother would need to pack their things—“two hours.” He knew both women would be frantic when he told them, but desperate times called for drastic measures. “We don’t want to hold up the party.”
“Coach? Party? What are you talking about?”
“Why, our excursion to London. Did Caroline not tell you?”
He glanced at her and saw she’d visibly paled. “No. I… I do not wish to go to London.”
“Pshaw. Of course you do. Too many solitary days spent in the country is stifling. We’ll attend the theater, go to the shops, visit the museums—”
“Robert.” She halted, then pulled her hand from his arm.
“Yes?”
“Although I appreciate the invitation, I’m afraid I cannot join you. I hope you enjoy yourself.”
He wondered
if she had any idea how heartbreaking her palpable sadness was. And he guessed why she didn’t want to go. His idiot of a brother.
Heaving a sigh, he shook his head. “A pity you won’t join us. That big, empty town house certainly won’t seem the same without you.”
She frowned. “Empty?”
“Well, yes, what with Austin visiting his Surrey estate for the, er, annual inspection of the crops. Surely he told you.” Annual inspection of the crops? He nearly rolled his eyes heavenward at his outrageous fabrication.
“I’m afraid he didn’t mention it to me.”
Shaking his head, he uttered a disgusted sound. “How like my big brother. Always forgetting these things.”
“How long will he be in Surrey?”
“Oh, at least a fortnight,” Robert lied with a perfectly straight face. “We’ll have a wonderful time. Besides, Caroline will fly into the boughs if you refuse to join us. She desperately needs you as a shopping companion as Mother’s tastes are far too staid. And you’ll be saving me the dreary prospect of having no one to converse with except my mother and sister.” He screwed his face into a horrified expression. “So you see? You simply must come.”
He could almost see her mind working, and relief swept through him when she offered what appeared to be a genuine smile… a small smile, but genuine nonetheless. “All right. Perhaps a trip to London would be a nice change. Thank you, Robert.”
“My pleasure.”
“I suppose I’d best be off to pack.”
“An excellent idea. You go on ahead. I’ll be along shortly.”
He watched her retreating back, waiting until she disappeared into the maze. When he was sure she couldn’t see him, he vaulted over a hedge in an un-lordlike manner that would have sent his mother into a swoon, and dashed pell-mell toward the side entrance of the manor.
He had to inform Caroline and his mother of their imminent trip to London.
Was she pregnant?
Austin sat in his study, staring into the fire, nursing his fourth brandy, trying without success to banish the question that had haunted him for three weeks. Miles stood by the mantel, relating something regarding the latest on dit he’d heard at White’s, but Austin had no idea what his friend was saying. After another several brandies, he would no doubt cease to hear Miles altogether. Perhaps he would cease to feel as well.
He’d spent the last three weeks tracking down two soldiers who had served with William, but as they had a year ago, both men stated that they saw him, like so many others that day, go down in battle. He’d also waited, in vain, to receive further instructions from the blackmailer, but none came. Why hadn’t he sought to collect the five thousand pounds he’d demanded? If Elizabeth were here, perhaps she could—
He sliced off the thought, but it was too late. She was embedded in his mind, and no matter how he tried to banish it, the question reverberated through him—was she pregnant? He both longed for and dreaded the answer. If she was, they’d have a child… a child destined to die before she’d really had a chance to live. If she wasn’t pregnant, his marriage was over. A bitter laugh rose in his throat like bile. Hell, either way, his marriage was over.
Tossing back the contents in his snifter, he rose and walked to the crystal decanters by the windows overlooking the street. He poured himself a double, then pushed the curtain aside.
The expansive lawns of Hyde Park lay just across the street, and a line of fine carriages promenaded through the lanes. Fashionably dressed lords and ladies strolled in the late afternoon sunshine, their faces wreathed in what appeared to be happy smiles.
Happy smiles. An image of Elizabeth, laughing and smiling, rose before his eyes, and he swallowed half his drink in one gulp. Bloody hell, how long would it take before she didn’t occupy every corner of his mind? Before his anger, and damn it, his hurt, would abate? Before he could draw a breath without his chest aching with loss? Before he would stop hating her for tearing his heart out, and hating himself for letting her? Damn it, how long before he stopped loving her?
He didn’t know, but by God, another brandy would hopefully speed the process along. He raised his snifter to drain the contents down his throat, but paused as a shiny black carriage pulled by four exquisite matched bays rolled into view. By damn, that looks like one of my coaches. Leaning closer to the window, he saw the distinctive Bradford crest emblazoned on the ebony lacquered door.
Bloody hell! It was no doubt Robert, come back to plague him. He’d suffered through his brother’s company only yesterday and he had no desire for a repeat visit.
“What has captured your attention?” Miles asked, joining him at the decanters. Miles craned his neck. “Isn’t that one of your coaches?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so. Apparently my brother has decided to return for but yet another unannounced visit.”
The coach halted in front of the town house and a footman opened the door. Austin’s mother alighted.
“What is she doing here?” Austin asked. No doubt another shopping excursion. He suddenly stilled, his stomach clenching into a hard knot.
Could his mother or Robert have a message from Elizabeth? The disturbing thought had no sooner crossed his mind than Elizabeth alighted from the coach. His fingers tightened around his snifter and the elaborately cut glass dug into his skin.
“Bloody hell, what is she doing here?” But even as Austin growled the words, his mind whirled. Did she know if she carried his child? Only three weeks had passed. If she knew this quickly, she most likely wasn’t pregnant—or was she? Or maybe she’d come because she’d had another vision of William? He looked out the window and fought the urge to press his nose to the glass like a boy at a sweet shop, eager for a glimpse of her.
She was dressed in a peacock blue traveling suit, with a matching bonnet. Loose auburn tendrils framed her face and he immediately recalled the feel of her soft hair sifting through his fingers. Even at a distance he could see the circles shadowing her eyes, a telltale sign of sleepless nights.
The footman reached a hand into the coach and helped Caroline alight.
Miles drew a sharp breath. “What the hell is she doing here?” he asked, elbowing past Austin to get a better view.
Austin contemplated his friend with surprise. “She’s my sister. Why the hell shouldn’t she be here? Besides, you know my family. They travel in packs. Like bloody wolves. I’d wager any sum that my brother is about to make an appearance.”
As if on cue, Robert emerged from the coach, a huge grin lighting his face. Damn it! What was Robert up to now? And why had Elizabeth come here instead of sending a message? Turning away from the window, Austin slammed his snifter onto his desk and stalked toward the door.
“Austin! How wonderful to see you!”
Her mother-in-law’s words jerked Elizabeth’s head around. Striding down the corridor toward the foyer, anger evident in every taut line of his body, was her husband.
Dismay washed over her. Good heavens, what was he doing here? Why wasn’t he in Surrey?
She stood frozen in place, her eyes riveted on him, and tried to hold back the swell of love and longing that hit her, but it was a hopeless task. Dear God, she’d missed him so much!
But it was clear from his expression that he had not missed her. In fact, as he strode into the foyer, he completely ignored her.
He bent down and accepted a kiss from his mother. “This is unexpected,” he said in a tight voice. “I trust all is well?”
“Oh, yes,” the dowager said with a smile. “Caroline, Elizabeth, and I had a hankering for the shops. Robert kindly offered to escort us to Town.”
Austin turned a narrow-eyed glare on his brother. “How dutiful of you, Robert.”
Robert’s smile could have lit the entire room. “No trouble at all. Always happy to accompany a coach filled with lovely ladies.”
Austin cocked a brow at Caroline. “Didn’t you shop enough when you were here several weeks ago?”
A gay laugh trilled from Ca
roline. “Oh, Austin, how amusing you are! You should know that a woman can never spend enough time in the shops.”
Elizabeth stood in an agony of embarrassment. Her husband had yet to so much as acknowledge her presence. An awkward silence ensued. Heat crept up her neck and she wished she could simply sink through the floor. Just when she thought he meant to walk away without greeting her, he turned and stared directly at her.
The icy fury shooting from his gray eyes chilled her to the bone. And although he stared directly at her, it seemed as if he were looking through her, as if she weren’t really there.
Any hopes she may have secretly harbored that time would soften him toward her died with that single look. How on earth was she going to survive this visit? Not being with him, agonizing over what she’d lost, was a pain she could barely stand.
But seeing him look at her like this, with all the warmth and caring extinguished from his eyes, inflicted a piercing ache that weakened her knees.
But she’d done what she’d had to do. For him.
Determined not to let him see her inner torment, she forced herself to offer him a smile. “Hello, Austin.”
A muscle ticked in his clenched jaw. “Elizabeth.”
She tried to moisten her parched lips, but her mouth had gone dry. “I… I thought you were in Surrey.”
His glacial expression could have frozen fire. “Surrey?”
“Yes. For the annual inspection of the crops…” Her voice trailed off into an agonizing embarrassed silence as he simply stared at her.
“Do you have something to tell me?” His clipped question hung in the air between them.
She felt the weight of everyone’s eyes on them, watching their tense exchange. Humiliation washed over her, and if she’d thought her legs would cooperate, she would have run from the house. “No,” she whispered. “Nothing.”
She was saved from enduring further attempts at conversation when Miles joined them. He greeted everyone, but Elizabeth noticed that his bow to Caroline was stiff and that Caroline steadfastly looked at a place over his shoulder.
Jacquie D'Alessandro Page 23