She felt bone-weary. A long hot shower would do wonders.
Jayce sat down at her computer and pulled up the form, starting to type. She usually kept her reports to the point. It was hard to keep her thoughts from straying. She was no psychiatrist, but it would be hard to miss Simmons’ superiority complex, his idea that he was above the law, because of his profession and status, because he was a man. The memory made her shudder. Gillian Thorne’s death, in his opinion, had been an unfortunate, but at the same time acceptable turn of events. A casualty. She tried to focus on the page in front of her. This wasn’t about her interpretation, but the facts.
“You could have waited with that until tomorrow.” Chomsky’s tone was half scolding, half sympathetic.
“I know. I wanted to get it done.”
“How are you doing?”
“I’m fine.”
“Finney.”
Jayce turned her chair around to face her supervisor. “I mean it—and I would get out of here even sooner if no one interrupted me.”
Lieutenant Chomsky laughed. “Not very subtle. I’d like to see you in my office for a moment.”
“That’s not going to make me leave sooner.”
“Humor me, please?”
Jayce saw no choice but to follow Chomsky into the privacy of her office, not sure she was up for this conversation yet, whatever it would be.
“Would you like a coffee?”
“Sure, why not? I could use something pleasant. Look, Lieutenant, I’m sorry. I didn’t know Emma was going to take that job.”
“That’s not what I meant to talk about. It was her decision, and besides, I’m glad she contacted your partner. It made things easier, but you know that already. Good job, detective. I know this wasn’t easy for you.”
Jayce shrugged. “It was a job. Since we’re here, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about as well. I was hoping in the future that there might be…others who get the chance. I’m not going to let you down if you really need me, but—that’s where I stand.”
“I’m aware,” Chomsky said. “I’ll definitely take that into consideration the next time an occasion like this arises. So, how are you?”
“You’re not being subtle either.”
“That wasn’t my intention. You can come back for the report tomorrow, but this, I want to know.”
“I’d like to finish my report. I’ll be back at work on Monday. Don’t worry. I am fine.”
“All right then. I won’t keep you from it any longer. I’ll see you Monday.”
Jayce wasn’t able to make her getaway in time. Ray and Tanya arrived the moment she turned off her computer, and Daniel only a couple of minutes after them. She had no choice but to stay for more shoulder patting and congratulations, getting more antsy with each passing minute. The presence of her friends, usually welcome, felt crowding to her. She couldn’t wait to go home to her apartment where Emma would find the right words, and be silent if Jayce needed her to.
“What a creep,” Tanya said, shaking her head. “I can’t believe they covered for him for so long. No one deserves this.”
“I agree, but I think I really deserve my weekend now. See you guys tomorrow night.”
“You’re not coming with us for a drink?” Ray asked, disappointed. “I thought we had something to celebrate. Why don’t you call Emma and have her come?”
“No. Thanks.”
“Drinks are on us,” Tanya offered.
“Another time. My couch and Netflix are waiting for me.”
“And Emma, I hope?”
“None of your business, but yes. Have a good evening. Bye.”
She caught Daniel’s concerned gaze, but at least he wouldn’t prod. A few minutes later, Jayce sat in her car, leaning back into her seat with a deep breath, glad she had finished her paperwork. Words could go a long way to contain reality. Containment mattered.
She drove home, forcing the events of the past days out of her mind best she could, focusing entirely on the traffic. When she opened the door to her apartment, the scents coming from the kitchen made her smile, and realize how hungry she was. It was time to let someone else prove themselves. She had done her share.
“Hey. You’re home.”
Emma laid the spatula aside and came to greet her with a kiss, holding on for a moment. Keep it together, Jayce reminded herself. She didn’t want Emma to get the wrong impression, or to ruin her plans for the evening.
“Yes, and dinner’s on the stove. That’s amazing. Thank you.”
“It was the least I could do.” Emma smiled, but her gaze was haunted. “Sit. I plan to spoil you for the next two days.”
“That sounds great. Let me take a quick shower and change though. I can’t wait to get out of these clothes.”
“Sure. I’ll keep it warm, and we can eat whenever you’re ready. You’d like a beer?”
“You thought of everything.” Jayce wanted to say how much she appreciated Emma’s contribution, but all of a sudden having a moment to herself became urgent. She hadn’t lied to Chomsky. She’d be okay. She needed a bit of time to cleanse her mind of all the could-have-been’s, then she would go back and give Emma all her attention. “You’re going to stay over?”
“If you want me to?”
“I do. I’ll hurry.”
In the bathroom, Jayce stripped down and stepped into the shower stall, sighing in relief when the warm water came down on her body. It was a first step, if nothing else. Forward. She wasn’t going to be drawn back into the past, not by anything that happened. The tears came anyway.
* * * *
Emma understood more than anyone that Jayce needed her own little rituals. It wasn’t something they had talked about beforehand. It certainly made sense to Emma, who knew what it was like having to adjust to a different reality. Safer, yes, but with memories that carried a weight.
She wanted to give Jayce the time and space she needed, if it was this evening, this weekend, or however long it might take.
She also knew what it was like to cry alone, because there was no one who cared, or they were too busy taking care of themselves. It had felt terrible at the time. She wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Dinner was on low heat, the beer she’d bought earlier this week, chilling in the fridge.
Emma knocked on the door carefully and then went inside the bathroom. Without hesitation, she went into the stall with Jayce and wrapped her arms around her.
“I know this was bad, but you’re not alone,” she whispered.
Jayce leaned into her. “I don’t know where this came from. We’ve both been through worse.”
“It adds up.”
“Yeah. Sucks, doesn’t it? Wait. You’re still wearing clothes.”
Emma looked down at herself. “I guess so. I didn’t want to waste another moment.”
Jayce laughed, wiping her face with her hand. “I suppose this was kind of urgent. Thank you. For everything. I swear I’ll make it up to you, but right now, I’m starving. The food wasn’t the greatest.”
“It hardly ever is in places where they lock the door behind you. Come. Let’s put on some clothes and eat. I want you to know this is okay.”
“I know.”
To Emma’s relief, dinner wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable in any way, their reassurances for each other more than an exchange of words, their connection deeper than ever before. If it was up to her, she’d prefer if Jayce never went into that kind of situation again, but Emma was able to identify her own better and worse choices as well. Meddling with Jayce’s job could have gone either way. She was glad it had been helpful, this time.
“Have you decided yet whether you want to stay on with the clinic? They have lots of changes coming and probably need the staff.”
“Kitty would like me to run the store while she and Daniel are on vacation. Since she’s planning to open another one, that could become a permanent position.”
“Wow,” Jayce said. “That sounds like I was gone for months. It’s a great ide
a. Congratulations. I imagine that makes it harder for you to choose though.”
“Not really.” On the table, she laid her hand over Jayce’s. “It’s true, I am interested in psychiatry, but I love working in the store too. It would come with a pay raise. When I applied for the clinic…” It made her self-conscious to say it out loud, but then again, it was the truth after all. “I wanted to be close to you. I was so afraid for you.”
“I know. It’s over now.”
“Thank God. Even seeing Maxine wasn’t so bad in comparison. I think all this time, I made her more powerful in my mind. She can’t mess with my life anymore. I am grateful she told the truth, even though it was more for her than for me.”
“That sounds accurate. I got the impression that pretty much everything she does is more for her than for anyone else,” Jayce said dryly. “I really don’t feel like doing dishes tonight. How about we have another beer and watch some mindless TV?”
“I’d love that, but let’s have dessert first.”
“I’d love to have you around all the time.” They both got up, Emma to retrieve the vanilla mousse with raspberries from the fridge, Jayce, to wrap her arms around her and kiss her neck.
“I’m afraid this is store bought,” Emma confessed, aware of the breathless tone of her voice.
“That’s not what I’m talking about.”
“Let’s take it one day at a time. I’m not going anywhere, not unless you want me to.”
“You promise?”
“Yes. I do.”
As they sat on the couch, comfortably entwined, Emma had to admit she’d given the question some thought. Having her own apartment was important to her, or at least it had been in the beginning, after leaving the halfway house. Independence, a space of her own, it mattered—it mattered even with Jayce in her life, because as much as she loved her, she couldn’t ignore their individual histories that had brought them together. Life was good the way it was. Maybe something was about to change, and that might not be a bad thing. When they were both ready, they would return to this conversation.
The thoughts came back to her later that night, with Jayce sleeping next to her, and the realization sinking in that aside from the assignment, they had been spending more nights together than apart. Regardless of her need for space, the closeness made Emma feel safe, and maybe it was something she could give to Jayce as well, especially now.
Was this a sign as to where they could, or even should, go from here? For a moment, she allowed herself to daydream, Jayce doing her work without having to slip into the life of a made up stranger, herself, managing the store. Moving in with someone hadn’t worked so well for her the last time, but that was Maxine, in another life.
Maybe waiting for the right moment was overrated. She would talk to Jayce this weekend, get a feel for where she stood on the subject. They could even find a new place together.
Emma didn’t ever want to put off something this important when her life was finally in the present, when she knew she was already home.
* * * *
A dinner at Daniel and Kitty’s was always relaxed and cozy, even with cops at the table who couldn’t resist a little shop talk. There was a time when Emma had been hesitant about meeting Jayce’s colleagues, wondering how they would react to her past. Daniel, Tanya and Ray had made her comfortable even before Maxine decided to change her statement and thus opened the door for Emma to clear her name. That was something she would never forget.
“I was going to ask you about your decision tonight,” Kitty said to her, “but I’m afraid you and Jayce might need that vacation first.”
“That’s a wonderful thought.” Emma had been so used to longing for things she couldn’t do or have that she’d almost forgotten about the money in her bank account. She wasn’t going to spend it frivolously, but a small trip was well within in the budget.
“Oh, damn, now I gave you the idea,” Kitty joked. “Look, I’m really sorry. I never meant to put pressure on you. Of course it’s your decision, and if you want to pursue another career, that’s up to you.”
“I know, and thank you. I don’t think I will. I understand not every place will be as crazy as this one, but…There was pretty much one reason why I applied.”
“And she did a great job. Maybe you’d like to try for the academy?”
“No, thanks.” Emma laughed at Jayce’s suggestion. “I’m around cops all the time as it is. I’d like to stay with the store. I don’t know what I was thinking. I love the work.”
“I’m so glad.” Kitty reached for the wine bottle and poured each of them another glass. “Here’s to the new store manager—and the cruise my husband has been promising me forever.”
“I see I can’t get out of that now. Then we have to do it, I guess.”
Glasses clinked together, and amidst all the happiness, Emma couldn’t help remembering last night’s musings. Was it too early? What if she missed that window? What if—the scariest thought of all—she had misinterpreted all the signs?
“Jayce, can I talk to you for a moment?”
Jayce didn’t hesitate, obviously sensing that whatever Emma had on her mind, couldn’t wait any longer. They retreated to a farther corner of the room, next to the big window.
“I understand I didn’t do everything right,” Emma began. “I mean, it turned out all right, and I’m glad I was there to call them, but…I should have talked to you, and I shouldn’t have been so dependent.”
“Come on. It’s all good. I know I gave you a hard time about it, but I was glad you were there. That gave me the idea for a good bluff, and it worked. Kind of.”
“I know. I want you to know what I’m telling you next, is something I have thought about for a while, and it’s not another rash decision, because I’m scared, or anything…”
“Emma. Will you tell me what’s going on?” Jayce sounded equally concerned and amused.
“I love cooking for you every once in a while. I’d like to do it more often, and that would be easier if we actually lived together. If you want to. If it’s okay that Elvis will be there too, and I…”
Jayce interrupted her ramblings with a kiss which was as good an answer as any words could be.
“Yes,” she said. “Yes, I think that’s a great idea.”
4. Close Quarters
During those long nights in prison, Emma had often dreamed about the beautiful things she would surround herself with once she got out. At the time, most of these things seemed forever unattainable, but dreaming and envisioning her future had kept her sane.
All of it and more had come true, she realized with excitement when she stepped into the sunlit kitchen that morning, the scent of fresh coffee tempting her from her sleep.
“Hey. You’re awake.”
Jayce, still dressed in a tank top and PJ bottoms, pulled her into a close embrace. The affectionate greeting was soon interrupted by the insistent meows directed at them. Elvis the cat sat on one of the chairs, demanding attention.
Jayce sighed. “Come on, I fed you already. Now it’s the moms’ turn.” She had set the table for a leisurely breakfast, including two glasses of champagne.
“That’s beautiful, but I can’t drink. I need to work later.” Emma didn’t mind. The cozy scene was every bit a reminder that she didn’t have to fantasize about the ideal life any longer. She had it.
“It’s in a few hours. We never really celebrated your promotion.”
“I thought we did.” Emma couldn’t help but smile, amused that Jayce actually blushed at her words.
“There’s more than one way to do that, right? Come, sit. You must be hungry after all that earlier...celebrating.”
It was Emma’s turn to blush. She had finally arrived at a place where she knew that whatever good had come into her life, she deserved it. She had paid her dues in advance to be able to live a quieter life now, with the woman she loved, a job she enjoyed going to every day. Elvis jumped from her chair to Emma’s lap where she curled up, pu
rring happily.
She caught Jayce’s affectionate gaze on her. Moments like this, she could easily cry from sheer happiness, but of course she wouldn’t. That would be ridiculous.
“There’s a new girl at the store today,” she said. “My first training assignment.”
“You’ll do great. Kitty is lucky to have you.”
“I think I’m the lucky one…if it wasn’t for you, I could have never made it this far.”
“I don’t know about that. You’re one of the most resourceful people I know…but let’s not get gloomy. You earned this. I’m proud of you.”
“I’m happy.”
It meant everything, coming from Jayce who had seen her own share of professional and private challenges—but she was right. For a long time after her release, Emma had been ducking, waiting for the other shoe to drop. What she’d learned in those days was that it did anyway—and the best that she could do was to be ready, to surround herself with as much good as possible.
Now, after winning the lawsuit against the city, and being promoted manager in Kitty’s greeting card store, her financial future was more secure that it had been in a long time. She was living with Jayce now, and she had found good friends. Whatever happened from here, she was able to deal with it.
“I don’t have that much time, but maybe you’d like to come in the shower with me?” she suggested.
“I’d love to.” Jayce’s tone was warm, suggestive. It reminded Emma of a time when they hadn’t known each other that well, when their association could have been dangerous for one another, and the space around them had been rather claustrophobic. They had once made love on the small single bed in the halfway house. All of this had changed.
Life was beautiful.
* * * *
When Emma arrived at the store, sixteen-year-old Keisha was standing by the front door, looking eager to start her shift. She was going to work on the weekends mostly. Emma had shown her around already after her interview. Today, she would shadow Emma. Besides the usual work, they would also finish the decorations for the upcoming Pride celebrations.
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