“True. So dinner it is.”
“Daniel told you to look after me.”
Kitty looked a little hurt at that. “He’s worried about you, but so am I. We just want to know you’re okay.”
“I will be.” Jayce kept her gaze straight ahead, willing to make both of them believe. The notion that she might never return to the career she’d once taken for granted, terrified her, but neither Kitty nor Daniel needed to know that.
“Yes, and I want you to know we’ll always be here for you if you need anything. I promise.”
To her dismay, Jayce found that Kitty’s words made her tear up. She would chalk it up to the pain, or the painkillers, whatever.
“I’m grateful for that. Right now, to be honest, I could use a drink.”
The doctor had advised her that she shouldn’t combine those pills with alcohol. Jayce was fairly certain that she knew her limits, and she didn’t do it often anyway. There was a reason why she hadn’t spent much time with friends lately. A beer or two would help take off the edge. Kitty would drive her home. No harm done, right?
It didn’t exactly happen that way.
“You should put yourself out there more often,” Kitty said when Jayce returned to the table after insisting she’d pay for their beers. “I wish I could pick up women like that.”
Jayce laughed, even though she’d had to concentrate hard not to spill any of the beverages. The glasses were heavy, the place more crowded than she remembered. At least the burger and fries they had were still as good as in her memory.
“There is so much wrong with what you just said. First of all, you don’t want to pick up women. Second of all, that’s not what happened.”
“Do you have her number or not?”
“I sure do.”
It was something, but she wouldn’t call the woman who had chatted her up while waiting for drinks.
“I knew it!” Kitty said, a tad too loudly. “Besides, I made you laugh, so it’s all worth it. Are you going to call her?”
“I don’t have time to date, not once I’m back on the job.”
“You are back on the job.”
“Not yet. Not really.”
Jayce didn’t care for being reminded of the less comforting possibilities. She liked the challenges that came with her normal job, and she liked her apartment. If she couldn’t get beyond the part-time gig, both were likely to change. Jayce couldn’t fathom any more change at this point. For sure she couldn’t imagine anyone looking for a flirt in a bar would want to be burdened with her current problems.
“It’s fine. I could use a little flattery. I don’t think I’d have the energy for anything else yet.” If this was a little TMI for Kitty, she didn’t let on.
“I understand. But you should be proud of what you’ve achieved. Your recovery is going well…and damn, we’re all so glad to have you back.”
Jayce guiltily remembered the many hours Kitty had spent at her hospital bed.
“Me too. You have no idea.”
Kitty had chosen a bar with fairly comfortable seating arrangements, but even so, her back and legs were making themselves known. Jayce hated to be reminded of all the progress she hadn’t yet made. She didn’t want to cut short the first evening out with a friend she’d had in months.
“I think it’s time to call it a night.” Kitty, ever observant, had picked up on her fidgeting. “We have to do this again soon.”
“Come on, you heard Chomsky. She basically told me to come in late.”
“I know, but…”
“You’re the one who said I needed to get out. I am out. I’m enjoying myself. One more drink, okay?”
“Are you sure?”
These days, Jayce was sure of few things, but she nodded.
“All right then,” Kitty relented.
* * * *
The evening had gone fairly well. Jayce paid for it in the morning, feeling hung over and in pain the moment she woke up, knowing she’d be late for work. She had planned to fill her new prescription at the end of the week, but realized she would have to run that errand during her lunch break, as there were only two pills left. She hoped she’d make it through the morning.
Daniel was at his desk when she arrived. Jayce was overly aware of the worried glances he kept stealing.
“What?” she snapped.
“I was going to get a coffee. You want one?”
“Sure,” she said, mortified at her tone. “Thanks.”
A few minutes later, he returned with two paper cups, setting one in front of her.
“I might have to have a talk with my wife about keeping you up all night. You okay?”
“I’m fine.” Jayce didn’t know how convincing that sounded, but keeping her voice level was all she could do. Fine was a bit of an overstatement. She’d be better once she’d make that run to the pharmacy. She had to admit that one or two of the beers had been too many. Whom did she want to prove anything to? She hadn’t been much of a drinker before the accident. When she was off the pills, soon, there’d be enough time to kick back a few with friends. “Don’t say anything to Kitty. I guess I was a bit too enthusiastic about going out for the first time since…” She didn’t say it out loud. She didn’t have to.
“I get it. It’s not ideal right now, but let me tell you, there’ll be enough work left once you’re up to it.”
“I can’t wait.”
“Meanwhile, would you like to come to dinner Saturday night? You could bring someone if—”
Jayce laughed. “Tell Kitty I was serious. I wasn’t going to call her back.”
A few hours later she returned, far from having the rest of the week settled. The pharmacist had refused to fill her prescription until she could talk to the doctor, who was off for the day. Unnerved, Jayce had left and gone to another pharmacy where she bought the strongest over-the-counter meds she could find. It wasn’t what she’d hoped for, but there was nothing else she could do until she’d talked to Dr. Marten and explained the situation to her. It was important that she returned to a normal life as soon as possible. There was a limit as to how much pain she could tolerate meanwhile. Dr. Marten, a professional herself, had to understand that.
* * * *
“What are you saying? This is crazy.” Jayce shook her head in disbelief. “You know me, my complete medical history. I am not addicted to anything. I need another prescription. This is probably the last one. I might be going back to work full time next month.” She halted, aware that this rambling statement wasn’t how she’d wanted to explain herself to the physician.
Dr. Marten looked too serious for her liking. Jayce sensed that she wasn’t going to give in easily.
“That’s good news, but remember we said we were going to phase it out over the past few weeks? Was there any time when you were able to lower the dose? Did anything out of the ordinary happen?”
“I sit at a desk for hours. That’s very much out of the ordinary. The weekends are better.” Jayce felt her face heat as they were nearing the inevitable conclusion. She still slept a lot on the weekends, her condition not even close to where it had been before the crash. Well, actually not an accident in the truest sense of the word. “Someone tried to murder me and almost succeeded. I’m still in pain.”
“What about the pain management classes? Do you practice your exercises regularly?”
For a moment, Jayce stared at her blankly. She didn’t want to admit that she’d skipped the last three classes. It wasn’t so much that she didn’t believe in their worth. Jayce didn’t know for sure why she’d let them lapse. Perhaps it was too early to start believing in mind over matter again. Matter, at the moment, demanded all of her attention.
“Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to argue with you, or tell you how to do your job. It’s just that I need to do mine. Help me out, Doc. One more time, and I swear I won’t miss any more classes. They have been helpful actually.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” Dr. Marten said. “Still, I’d like
you to start going with a smaller dose, and make an appointment with the therapist before you leave. I know it sounds scary, but I promise you this will work. I’ll fill your prescription, but I want you to spread them out as much as you can.”
Jayce thought of the over-the-counter painkillers in her medicine cabinet. The combination of both might work. Dr. Marten had a point. She’d need a clear head when she went back out in the field. She had survived the car wreck. She could handle this.
* * * *
Things had to get worse before they got better, didn’t they? If Jayce hadn’t been the pragmatic person she was, she might have concluded that someone was stealing the pills right out of her pocket. This couldn’t be happening, not when Chomsky was gradually starting to reintegrate her into the tightly knit work group. Jayce was officially back in every meeting. Two long weeks until her return to full-time work. Jayce equally longed for and dreaded that day.
In the women’s restroom, she stood leaning against the wall of the stall, staring at the empty bottle of pills, trying to remember where all of them had gone. She had seen the therapist and gone to the classes, but her mind was blank. The pain was just there on the periphery of her conscious, ready to hit her full force anytime soon.
“Jayce, you okay? Chomsky moved up the meeting,” she heard Tanya’s voice.
“I’ll be there. Thanks!” She closed her fingers around the small plastic bottle, thinking that she’d have to find a solution, and soon. Jayce unlocked the door, washed her hands and joined her colleague in their supervisor’s office. She hoped the new case would at least distract her for a little while.
It didn’t do the trick.
Chomsky asked her to stay behind afterwards.
“What would you think if we delayed your return to full-time, just for another few weeks?”
“Why? I expect the doctor to give me the go-ahead soon, and frankly, I need to get out from behind that desk at some point. It’s starting to drive me crazy…no offense,” she offered.
“None taken. If the doctor says you’re ready, and you think you are, we’ll go from there. I want to make sure we don’t rush anything. I need you to be 100%.”
“I am. I swear.”
“Good. This case is turning out to be bigger than we thought, and there might be an opportunity for you soon.”
“Thank you. I appreciate your honesty. I assure you, I can handle it.”
“That’s the best news I’ve had in a while,” the lieutenant said warmly. “Welcome back, Finney. You gave us all quite a scare.”
“Not on purpose,” Jayce mumbled before she left the office.
* * * *
There were better days. She was starting to believe that her old life was within reach. Then came the day where she nearly had an accident on the way to work after a pain-filled and sleepless night. She’d nearly lost count of how many pills she’d taken, begged the pharmacist to help her out.
Even in the dire state she was in, Jayce could sense the young woman’s discomfort clearly. Pity. Discomfort was nothing in comparison to what she’d been through in the past few weeks. Who could live like this?
“Look, I have somewhere to be.” That wasn’t true, but who cared at this point? “Why don’t you do your job?”
“Ma’am, this prescription has already been filled. Please talk to your doctor. If you don’t leave, I’m afraid I have to call the police.”
Jayce left without further argument, a sense of dread and shame piercing the cocoon of medication.
Not much later, she sat at her desk, replaying those scenes in her mind, the uncomfortable truths that came with them. Not only had she almost done something illegal, she had also endangered another person’s life. That wasn’t what she had signed up for, worked so hard for every day. Protect. Serve. She couldn’t even protect herself.
“Detective Finney. A word?”
Jayce braced herself. She rose, resigned to the fact that she had screwed up, badly, and there were steps she’d have to take. There could be dire consequences. She was tired of pretending. She followed Lieutenant Chomsky into her office and accepted the offered seat.
“It’s fine. I know what you’re going to say.”
“No you don’t. But I need to know what we’re dealing with here. Are you getting the help you need?”
Jayce wasn’t sure how to answer the question. Did she need help? Was she getting any, and did she even know how to ask for it? In any case, confiding in her supervisor could get her in trouble, potentially fired. Maybe that was already on Chomsky’s mind, and she was easing her into the dire subject gently.
Breaking down crying would not be an appropriate reaction either, though for a brief, desperate moment, Jayce considered it.
“I’m working hard,” she said.
“I can see that, but that’s not the question. You’re one of the best cops I’ve ever worked with, and I’d like to continue working with you.”
“Thank you. Same here. If that’s all—”
In a heartbeat, worries and shame had won over her desire to do the right thing. She couldn’t tell Chomsky any of it, could she? There had to be another way.
“Finney, please, cut the bullshit. We’re going to need a plan, and I think you know that.”
This was perhaps when the true magnitude of her problems registered with her. They weren’t going to end so soon.
“Yes. I do. I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”
“I know. It’s not an easy thing to do, but I promise you, we will find a solution. As long as you want to stay on the force, and in this department.”
There was nothing that Jayce wanted more.
* * * *
She slept badly, those nights coming back to her time and again, the doubts, the fear that she might never able to do her job again, go back to her life the way it was before. Eventually, Jayce made peace with the fact that she couldn’t turn back time. She beat the odds and convinced a reluctant lieutenant to let her back on a months long undercover assignment, first in a women’s prison, then in a halfway house to track the flow of drugs.
The nightmares always followed suit, sometimes of the car crash, something of the abyss of addiction. Jayce refused to let them dictate her life. And sometimes, she dreamed of those gentle hands making everything more bearable.
* * * *
Present
Emma’s hand shook a little as she disconnected the call, her heart beating fast. Kitty would be so thrilled about the chance to sell the exclusive designer collection of pens in her store. It was Emma who had sealed the deal for her, even though her mind was on so many other things these days. Okay, to be fair, her thoughts mostly revolved around imagining the wedding, and praying that Jayce was safe. She tried to tell herself that they’d been through this before, and Jayce knew how to do her job. It was hard to distract herself, even at work. Especially this time.
Now, however, she couldn’t stop smiling.
She couldn’t wait for Jayce to be back home, to share the good news. Even though their workdays were so different, they were always interested in each other’s. Emma’s job might not dramatically improve people’s lives, but the cards and gift she sold were tied to important occasions. Like weddings…
Today’s achievement was important to her for many reasons. She had successfully negotiated the deal without conjuring up the past, wondering if the person on the other end could be aware of her story, or parts of it.
The settlement money had made little difference, but time had. Emma cast a look at her watch, realizing it was five minutes past time to close. There was no customer in the store, so she went to the front door and locked. She had barely turned around when there was a sharp rap against the glass. Spinning around, Emma wondered if she should make an exception, since there wasn’t much to do for her at home.
She was happily surprised to see Kitty. That was even better. She could tell her about the news right away. Emma unlocked the door again, blurting out,
“It’s
great you’re coming by. We have something to celebrate! I would have called you later. I got off the phone with—”
“Emma.”
Kitty didn’t sound happy, and it wasn’t until then that Emma realized Daniel was with her. The somber expression on his face sent a chill down her spine. This could only mean one thing.
“No.”
“Emma, it’s going to be okay,” he said, but that wasn’t all she heard. Between the lines, there were undertones confirming some of her worst fears. If okay was a state sometime in the future, it meant that Jayce wasn’t. For sure, Emma wasn’t either.
“No,” she said again. Apparently, that was all she was capable of.
Daniel took her by the shoulders and made her face him.
“Jayce’s cover got blown. She was shot, but she’ll be all right. I’m telling you the truth.”
Emma stared at him, struggling to process his words, part of her still wanting to deny that this was reality in the first place.
“How? What happened? Oh God, I need to go to the hospital.”
It was starting to sink in, the situation drastically altered from a moment ago.
“I’ll drive you,” he said, and Kitty nodded.
“I’ll close up here and catch up with you later.”
Emma made herself move, still caught up in a nightmare of her worst fears as she picked up her purse and keys. She’ll be okay. For now, that was all she had to hang on to.
“Tell me everything,” she said, barely choking back tears.
* * * *
Emma wondered what Jayce was seeing in those dreams that had her restless, robbing Emma of her sleep too. She had an idea. At least, every time she got up to touch her, Jayce seemed to quiet under her hands, slipping into a more restful sleep. Emma sat back down and continued to watch over the woman she loved, grateful that they both still had a future together, something neither of them could have imagined only a few years ago…
* * * *
Emma lay in her bed, shivering, unable to get warm. She longed for quiet, around her, and in her mind, but quiet was something this place never offered…
Jayce & Emma Page 24