by SJ West
I look at Slade. “Why didn’t you tell one of us? We could have helped you.”
“What good would that have done?” he asks me. “There was only one way to stop the pain, and I knew that.”
“Still, you should have told somebody,” Mason says, looking distraught over Slade’s refusal to confide his secret to one of his fellow Watchers. “You shouldn’t have gone through that alone. If you had told us, we would have stopped you from making a deal with Lucifer.”
“In his defense,” Helena tells us, “he did try to cope with the pain for a very long time. He suffered through it without anyone knowing, up until about a year after the Tear was sealed. Then he eventually succumbed to temptation, like most people do.”
The scene changes again and we see Slade and Lucifer sitting at a small table outside a café in Venice, Italy. A gondola is passing by on the canal as Lucifer leans forward in his wooden fold-up chair.
“I have to say,” Lucifer tells Slade, “I thought you would have come to me before now. Very few people make it this long without either going insane or giving up their soul. What took you so long, Slade?”
“I thought I could deal with the pain on my own,” he admits. “I wanted to help the others find a way to close the Tear, and I’ve done that. I hoped one of you would have killed me by now.”
Lucifer grins, confident he’s about to add another Watcher soul to his collection.
“I told my brothers not to touch you,” Lucifer informs him. “Why would I destroy someone who is so ripe for the picking?”
“I thought it might be something like that,” Slade replies, looking like a man who is trapped in a situation that has only one way out. “That’s why I’m here. I’m damned either way. You’ll never lift the curse, and I can’t go another day living like this. So take my soul, you bastard. Just stop this unending pain.”
Lucifer studies him for a moment. It’s almost like he’s drinking in Slade’s suffering one last time before it ends.
As Lucifer sits back in his seat, he declares, “Done.”
The Slade in the memory takes in a large gulp of air. If you didn’t know any better, you would have thought he’d been holding his breath for days and only now allowed himself to breathe. I know the truth of the matter. I know what it feels like to live with so much pain you wish you could die from it and even the simple act of breathing hurts. This is his first breath as a free man, yet he only traded in one pain for another that will never end. Slade is luckier than most. It’s unheard of to escape Hell and be given a second chance to redeem your soul. I may never fully trust Slade again, but I don’t begrudge him this opportunity to put all of his wrongs right.
I can see the toll reliving this memory is having on Slade, and against my better judgment, I decide to deflect Helena’s attention onto another target.
“Why don’t you do what you really came here for, Helena?” I ask. “I’m feeling a little left out. It seems like I’m the only one you haven’t tortured with a bad memory.”
She smiles at me. “Oh, I saved the best for last. Didn’t you know that’s the way you’re supposed to play the game, Malcolm? Your secret has been itching to be shown for centuries. I have to admit I didn’t think even you could be so cruel to someone you love.”
I know which memory she’s talking about, and I’ve made my peace with it. I can only assume she hopes to drive a wedge of doubt between Anna and me by showing it. That has to be one of the reasons she’s allowing her to watch.
“Anna knows me,” I tell Helena. “She knows what I went through, and she’ll understand what I did.”
“That sounds awfully naïve of you, Malcolm. What woman would want a man who could be so heartless?”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I tell her. “What I did, I did out of love.”
“Love?” Helena scoffs. “Well, why don’t we show the others what we’re talking about and see if they agree with your view of the event?”
Helena changes the scene around us to the cave Sebastian and I lived in for most of his childhood. I’m sitting in an armless wooden chair before a small campfire. Sebastian is lying on a blanket across from me in a deep sleep. His body looks about two years old, but he was much older than that by this point. Part of the curse heaped upon the children of the Watchers was a slow aging process.
There is a dead look in my eyes as I stare at my son. I remember the hopelessness I felt in this moment, and I know I’m about to make a decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
As the fire crackles, you can see a determined look take hold of my features the longer I gaze at Sebastian. I remember this night clearly. How could I not? I knew he was about to transform into a werewolf, and I also knew there was only one way to end his suffering. I had been sitting in that chair for a while, trying to decide if I loved my son enough to do what needed to be done.
I turn my gaze away from the scene and look at Anna as she sits on the other side of the window. She appears confused by what she’s watching. I know why Helena has chosen to show this memory. She wants to place doubt in Anna’s mind about how I will be with our own children.
I hear the chair in my memory creak as I stand from it. As I watch the events from my past unfold, I begin to worry that Anna won’t understand my next actions. What if it’s something she can’t rationalize or forgive me for? She knows me better than anyone ever has in my life. I have to believe she’ll figure out the motivation behind what she witnesses next.
Neither Mason, Jered, nor Slade knows what’s about to happen. I’ve never shared this memory with anyone because I was too ashamed to admit my own weakness.
We all watch as memory-me walks over to the cot I used to sleep on while Sebastian and I called this cave our home. I guess it wasn’t really a home. It was more like a prison for the both of us. The Watchers who tried to protect their children from their werewolf alter egos chose remote places like this one to live in. We couldn’t risk taking our progeny into populated areas while they were so young. If we did, we would be dooming their souls, because they wouldn’t be able to control their bloodlust. They simply weren’t old enough to understand the consequences of their actions. At this age, killing in their wolf form was a natural thing to do. Whether their prey was animal or human, it didn’t matter. Meat was meat to them.
After living this way for so many years, I finally came to the conclusion that there was only one way to end Sebastian’s torment.
I watch as memory-me pulls out a knife from underneath the pillow on the bed. I test its blade by pressing my thumb against its edge and drawing blood. It was sharp enough to do the deed in one quick slice. In the memory, I turn my head to look at Sebastian.
“No,” I hear Jered say beside me in disbelief. It’s almost as if he believes saying it out loud will stop what’s about to happen in my memory.
He turns his head away from the scene to look at me. He doesn’t say anything, but I can see the incredulity in his eyes.
I dare to look over at Anna and see a mirror of Jered’s expression on her face. Can she ever forgive the man I was back then for contemplating perpetrating such a horrific deed against his own son? Will she ever be able to erase the next few images from her mind?
I look back at the memory and watch as I walk over to Sebastian and kneel down beside him. With a gentle hand, I lift his head up by the chin to give me better access to his neck. I place the edge of the knife against the throbbing vein in his throat. The hand with the knife begins to shake uncontrollably. Tears begin to fall down my face as I realize I’m too weak to carry out my plan. I throw the knife into a corner of the room with a growl of rage. I’m mad at myself for being selfish. I thought the only way to free Sebastian of the curse my sin burdened him with was to end his life and release his soul. It was still unblemished, and I feared I wouldn’t be able to keep it that way until he could die a natural death.
I force myself to look back over at Anna, hoping to see understanding in her e
yes. Instead, I see utter loathing as she stares at me. I begin to walk over to the window, but Anna shakes her head at me, telling me it’s no use. I see her place both her hands on her protruding belly as if she’s guarding our children from me. If the babies thought I couldn’t protect them before, what do they think of me now, knowing that I almost murdered my first child?
“Please understand,” I beg Anna, even though I’m sure she can’t hear my plea. She isn’t really there. I’m only seeing a projected image of her.
I watch as Anna stands from the chair. With disgust still in her eyes, she walks away from the window, taking my heart with her.
“Poor Anna,” Helena croons. “She thought she found the man of her dreams, but now she knows the truth about you, Malcolm. You’re willing to kill to clean up your mistakes, even if it’s your own flesh and blood.”
“She just needs some time to think,” I say, coming up with a plausible excuse for Anna turning her back on me. “She’ll forgive me. I didn’t go through with killing Sebastian.”
“True,” Helena begrudgingly agrees, “but the fact that you even contemplated such a deed is probably weighing heavily on her heart. I mean, there’s no guarantee that your little cherubs will come out normal. The odds are not in your favor on that one. In fact, since their souls are the seals, I wager they’ll be prone to the dark side of life.”
“Why would you think that?” Mason inquires.
“The seals have absorbed an exorbitant amount of hate since they were created. That’s what they were made for: to help maintain the balance between good and evil in the universe. I can assure you there has been more hate than goodwill perpetuated by humanity. It seems logical to assume that the babies will be more prone to hating than loving. Good luck keeping those two in line, Malcolm. Well, that is if Anna even lets you near them after witnessing your little memory.”
“Don’t listen to her,” Slade tells me. “For all we know, that wasn’t Anna in the window at all. It was probably just an illusion of her.”
“Oh, I assure you, Anna was sitting behind that window.” Helena looks at Mason. “Isn’t that right, Mason? You can tell whether or not I’m speaking the truth, can’t you?”
Mason hesitates before saying, “She’s telling the truth.”
“I still don’t believe it was Anna,” Jered adds. “She wouldn’t turn her back on Malcolm no matter what she saw. Her love for him is stronger than that.”
“Who would have thought you Watchers would be such hopeless romantics?” Helena laughs cruelly. “Well, I guess it really shouldn’t come as that much of a surprise to me. After all, you did give up Heaven to bed the women you fell in love with on Earth. I guess it makes sense in a twisted sort of way.”
“I won’t believe anything you show me until I’m with Anna in person,” I tell her, taking stock in the hope my friends are giving me. “I know she loves me. She wouldn’t lose her faith in me so easily.”
“You can believe whatever helps you cope with her abhorrence of you. I, for one, don’t—”
Helena abruptly stops speaking. She closes her eyes and shakes her head.
“I should have tied that little angel to the bed,” she growls angrily. When she opens her eyes, I see the insane expression of a murderer.
“Who are you talking about?” I ask.
“Lucas,” she snarls. “It appears he took it upon himself to find Anna some help during her labor. I was enjoying your pain so much I became distracted and didn’t realize he’d snuck out of the room.”
“Labor?” Jered asks in surprise. “She’s having the babies now?”
“I hope so. Otherwise there’s a certain doctor in Nimbo who will be feeling my unhappiness the next time I’m there.”
“Jess is with her,” Mason says with a smug smile. “I knew she would find Anna no matter where you put her.”
“Well, guess what? Lucifer is with her, too, and from what I understand, my father and your wife had quite the heart-to-heart discussion about their relationship on Earth. Now, if you would all excuse me, I have to stop my father from taking away my prize.”
Helena vanishes but not before leaving us all with a parting gift.
The pain I experienced the first time I came to Hell fills my body once again, forcing me to my knees. I know I’m not the only one who feels the weight of guilt, as both Jered and Slade fall to their knees as well, holding their head between their hands. Only Mason remains unaffected by what’s happening. He comes to my aid first.
“You have to fight her, Malcolm,” he implores me. “You’re a good person. You always have been. Everyone makes mistakes, and you have done more than enough to make up for yours. Our Father has forgiven you for the sins you committed. It’s time you finally let go of your guilt and truly forgive yourself for what you did. You have to do this for yourself. Doing it for anyone else won’t work.”
“I can’t … let … go …” I grimace, feeling suffocated by my own remorse. All I can see is Anna’s face filled with contempt for me. Even if what Slade said is true—that it wasn’t really Anna behind the window—the image of her hating who I was is permanently seared into my brain.
“You have to,” Mason implores me.
I know Mason’s right, but how am I supposed to learn how to forgive myself now when I haven’t been able to work that miracle for well over a thousand years? There is no way.
As hopelessness descends, the pain I feel grows worse. I’m trapped in a torment of my own making, and I fear there won’t be any way for me to escape Hell this time.
Chapter 14
(Anna’s Point of View)
While I watch Malcolm’s worst memory play out, my whole body begins to ache with misery. What dire circumstances led him to believe that killing Sebastian was the right thing to do? I know my husband as well as I know myself. He must have thought ending his son’s life would release Sebastian from the mental anguish and physical pain of transforming into a werewolf every night. I know how guilt-ridden Malcolm felt for cursing his son to such a fate, and I know he would have done anything for Sebastian to end his suffering.
When Malcolm throws away the knife he’s holding and begins to cry, I wonder if he’s weeping because he couldn’t go through with it or because he almost did. Either way, all I want to do is take him into my arms and tell him everything will be all right. When the present-day Malcolm looks over at me, I reach out my arm and press my hand against the cool glass, yearning to tell him that what I just saw doesn’t make me love him any less. He begins to walk over to me but abruptly stops for some reason. I see his lips move as he says something to me, a pleading look in his eyes, but I can’t make out his words. I watch as his gaze lifts, as if I’ve stood up, and then follows some phantom image to the left.
He turns his back to me as if he can’t see me anymore. Confused by Malcolm’s behavior, I try to figure out what he and the others are saying, but I’m not a lip-reader. I can’t decipher what’s being said between them.
“Anna,” I hear a familiar and relieved voice say behind me, drawing my attention away from what’s happening outside my window.
I gasp in surprise and feel my heart flood with hope when I see Jess and Lucifer enter the room. Lucas stands by the open doorway with a look of pride on his face. Luna is sitting contentedly beside him as he pets her on the head.
“I found you help, Mommy,” he says as my saviors rush over to me.
“He sure did,” Lucifer tells me with a smile. “Somehow he knew exactly where to find us.”
“I saw you in a vision,” Lucas tells us. “I’m not sure how, but I knew I could get to you if Helena stayed busy. Since she went to torture my dad, I figured it was a good time to go find you.”
“I didn’t even see you leave,” I say guiltily.
“I was ninja stealthy,” Lucas says with pride, mimicking these ninjas by holding his arms out and walking in an odd sideways manner. I’m not sure what a ninja is. I can only assume it’s a down-world thing.
I feel one of the babies kick me hard, causing me to let out an involuntary gasp of pain.
“What’s wrong?” Jess asks with worry, kneeling before me. “Is something wrong with the babies? If I didn’t already know you’re a month away from having them, I would say you’re in labor from the way you look.”
“I am in labor,” I grimace. “Helena gave me some kind of medicine to start it early. She’s determined to get her hands on my children.”
“Why?” Jess asks, looking from me to Lucifer. “Can she steal their souls to absorb the last two seals?”
“No,” he says absolutely. “Souls can only be given to her. Move, Jess. Let me pick Anna up, and we can take her out a fissure.”
After Jess moves out of the way, Lucifer easily lifts me out of the chair and into his arms, cradling me to him like I’m the most precious thing in the world. Lucas walks over to Jess, Luna following him, and takes one of Jess’ hands.
“I can’t leave Malcolm and the others,” I protest.
“They would all agree with me that getting you out of here before these babies are born is the most important thing right now,” my father assures me. “I refuse to have my grandchildren born in Hell.”
“You used to like it down here,” we all hear Helena say angrily. “I used to be your one and only sanctuary, Father.”
“Stop calling me that,” Lucifer orders curtly as he stares daggers at Helena, who is now standing by the open doorway, blocking our exit. “I don’t know how many times I have to say that you are not my child, Helena. You’re my creation gone wrong.”
“Oh, so now I’m a mistake?” Helena practically screams. “Maybe you should have thought things through a little bit more before you created me from your own soul! You brought Seraphina and me into the world the exact same way. How are we any different from one another?”
“I loved her,” Lucifer declares. “I never loved you.”
Lucifer begins to walk toward the doorway with me securely in his arms.