by E. F. Benson
She turned from the window and the empty garden, wishing that the rain would be renewed, so that there would be an excuse for her to go to Mr Turner’s in a shut cab. As it was, there was no such excuse, and she felt that it would require an effort to walk past the club window, and to traverse the length of the High Street. Female Riseborough, on this warm sunny morning, she knew would be there in force, popping in and out of shops, and holding little conversations on the pavement. There would be but one topic today, and for many days yet; it would be long before the autumn novelty lost anything of its freshness. She wondered how her appearance in the town would be greeted; would people smile and turn aside as she approached, and whisper or giggle after she had gone by? What of the Mayor who, like an honest tradesman, was often to be seen at the door of his shop, or looking at the ‘dressing’ of his windows? A policeman always stood at the bottom of the street, controlling the cross-traffic from St Barnabas Road. Would he be that one who had helped to further her movements last night? … She almost felt she ought to thank him … And then quite suddenly her pluck returned again, or it was that she realized that she did not, comparatively speaking, care two straws for any individual comment or by-play that might take place in the High Street, or for its accumulated weight. There were other things to care about. For them she cared immensely.
The High Street proved to be paved with incident. Turning quickly round the corner, she nearly ran into Bill, the policeman, off duty at this hour, and obviously giving a humorous recital of some sort to a small amused circle outside the public house. It was abruptly discontinued when she appeared, and she felt that the interest that his audience developed in the sunny October sky, which they contemplated with faint grins, would be succeeded by stifled laughter after she had passed. A few paces further on, controlling the traffic of market day, was her other policeman Bill, who smiled in a pleasant and familiar manner to her, as if there was some capital joke private to them. Twenty yards further along the street was standing the Mayor, contemplating his shop window; he saw her, and urgent business appeared to demand his presence inside. After that there came General Fortescue tottering to the club; he crossed the street to meet her, and took off his hat and shook hands.
‘By Jove! Mrs Ames,’ he said, ‘I never enjoyed a meeting so much, and my wife’s wild that she didn’t go. What a lark! Made me feel quite young again. I wanted to shout too, and tell them to give the ladies a vote. Monstrously amusing! Just going to the club to have a chat about it all.’
And he went on his way, with his fat old body shaking with laughter. Then, feeling rather ill from this encounter, she heard rapid steps in pursuit of her, and Mrs Altham joined her.
‘Oh, Mrs Ames,’ she said. ‘I could die of vexation that I was not there. Is it really true that you threw a glass of water at Mr Chilcot and hit the policeman? Fancy, that it should have been such a terribly wet night, and Henry and I just sat at home, never thinking that five minutes in a cab would make such a difference. We sat and played patience; I should have been most impatient if I had known. And what is to happen next? It was so stupid of me not to join your league; I wonder if it is too late.’
This was quite dreadful; Mrs Ames had been prepared for her husband’s anger, and for pride and aversion from people like Mrs Altham. What was totally unexpected and unwelcome was that she was supposed to have scored a sort of popular success, that Riseborough considered the dreadful fiasco of last night as an achievement, something not only to talk about, but a kind of new game, more exciting than croquet or criticism. She had begun by thinking of the Suffragette movement as an autumn novelty, but leanness came very near her soul when she found that it now appeared to others as she had first thought of it herself. She had travelled since then; she had seen the hinterland of it; the idea that rose up behind it, austere and beautiful and wise. All that these others saw was just the hysterical jungle that bounded the coast. To her this morning, after her experience of it, the hysterical jungle seemed - an hysterical jungle. If it was only by that route that the heights could be attained, then that route must be followed. She was willing to try it again. But was there not somewhere and somehow a better road?
It was not necessary to be particularly cordial to Mrs Altham, and she held out no certain prospect of an immediate repetition of last night’s scenes, nor of a desire for additional recruits. But further trials awaited her in this short walk. Dr Evans, driving the high-stepping cob, wheeled round, and dismounted, throwing the reins to the groom.
‘I must just congratulate you,’ he said, ‘for Millie told me about last night. I’ve been telling her that if she had half your pluck, she would be the better for it. I hope you didn’t catch cold; beastly night, wasn’t it? Do let me know when it will come on again. I hate your principles, you know, but I love your practice. I shall come and shout, too!’
This was perfectly awful. Nobody understood; they all sympathized with her, but cared not two straws for that which had prompted her to do these sensational things … They liked the sensational things … it was fun to them. But it was no fun to those who believed in the principles which prompted them. They thought of her as a clown at a pantomime; they wanted to see Dan Leno …
She was some minutes late when she reached Mr Turner’s house, depressed and not encouraged by this uncomprehending applause that took as an excellent joke all the manifestations which had been directed by so serious a purpose. What to her was tragic and necessary, was to them a farce of entertaining quality. But now she would meet her coreligionists again, those who knew, those whose convictions, of the same quality as hers, were of such weight as to make her feel that even her quarrel with Lyndhurst was light in comparison.
The jovial Turner family, father, mother, daughter, were in the drawing room, and they hailed her as a heroine. If it had not been for her, there would have been no ‘scene’ at all. Did the policemen hurt? Mr Turner had got a small bruise on his knee, but it was quite doubtful whether he got it when he was taken out. Mrs Turner had lost a small pearl ornament, but she was not sure whether she had put it on before going to the meeting. Miss Turner had a cold today, but it was certain that she had felt it coming on before they were all put out into the rain. None of them had seen the end; it was supposed that Mrs Ames had thrown a glass of water at a policeman, and had hit Mr Chilcot. They were all quite ready for Sir James’ next meeting; or would he be a coward, and cause scrutiny to be held on those who desired admittance?
Mrs Brooks arrived; she had not been turned out last night, but she had caught cold, and did not think that much had been achieved. Mr Chilcot had made his speech, apparently a very clever one, about Tariff Reform, and Sir James had followed, without interruption, telling the half empty but sympathetic benches about the House of Lords. There had been no allusion made to the disturbance, or to the motives that prompted it. Also she had lost her Suffragette rosette. It must have been torn off her, though she did not feel it go.
Mrs Currie brought more life into the proceedings. She could get four porters to come to the next meeting, and could make another banner, as well as ensuring the proper unfurling of the first, which had stuck so unaccountably. It had waved quite properly when she had tried it an hour before, and it had waved quite properly (for it had been returned to her after she had been ejected) when she tried it again an hour later at home. Two banners expanding properly would be a vastly different affair from one that did not expand at all. Her husband had laughed fit to do himself a damage over her account of the proceedings.
A dozen more only of the league made an appearance, for clearly there was a reaction and a cooling after last night’s conflagration, but all paid their meed of appreciation to Mrs Ames. Their little rockets had but fizzed and spluttered until she ‘showed them the way’, as Mrs Currie expressed it. But to them even it was the ritual, so to speak, the disturbance, the shouting, the sense of doing something, rather than the belief that lay behind the ritual, which stirred their imaginations. Could the cause be bette
r served by the endurance of an hour’s solitary toothache, than by waving banners in the town hall, and being humanely ejected by benevolent policemen, there would have been less eagerness to suffer. And Mrs Ames would so willingly have passed many hours of physical pain rather than suffer the heartache which troubled her this morning. And nobody seemed to understand; Mrs Currie with her four porters and two banners, Mrs Brooks with her cold in the head and odour of eucalyptus, the cheerful Turners who thought it would be such a good idea to throw squibs on to the platform, were all as far from the point as General Fortescue, chatting at the club, or even as Lyndhurst with the high-chipped bacon and the slammed front door. It was a game to them, as it had originally presented itself to her, an autumn novelty for, say, Thursday afternoon from five till seven. If only the opposite effects had been produced; if they all had taken it as poignantly as Lyndhurst, and he as cheerily as they!
He, meantime, after slamming the front door, had stormed up St Barnabas Road, in so sincere a passion that he had nearly reached the club before he remembered that he had hardly touched his breakfast or glanced at the paper. So, as there was no sense in starving himself (the starvation consisting in only having half his breakfast), he turned in at those hospitable doors, and ordered himself an omelette. Never in his life had he been so angry, never in the amazing chronicle of matrimony, so it seemed to him, had a man received such provocation from his wife. She had insulted the guests who had dined with her, she made a public and stupendous ass of herself, and when, next morning, he, after making such expostulations as he was morally bound to make, had been so nobly magnanimous as to assure her that he would patch it all up for her, and live it down with her, he had been told that it was for him to apologize! No wonder he had sworn; Moses would have sworn; it would have been absolutely wrong of him not to swear. There were situations in which it was cowardly for a man not to say what he thought. Even now, as he waited for his omelette, he emitted little squeaks and explosive exclamations, almost incredulous of his wrongs.
He ate his omelette, which seemed but to add fuel to his rage, and went into the smoking room, where, over a club cigar, for he had actually forgotten to bring his own case with him, he turned to the consideration of practical details. It was not clear how to re-enter his house again. He had gone out with a bang that made the windows rattle, but it was hardly possible to go on banging the door each time he went in and out, for no joinery would stand these reiterated shocks. And what was to be done, even if he could devise an effective re-entry? Unless Amy put herself into his hands, and unreservedly took back all that she had said, it was impossible for him to speak to her. Somehow he felt that there were few things less likely to happen than this. Certainly it would be no good to resume storming operations, for he had no guns greater than those he had already fired, and if they were not of sufficient calibre, he must just beleaguer her with silence - dignified, displeased silence.
He looked up and saw that Mr Altham was regarding him through the glass door; upon which Mr Altham rapidly withdrew. Not long afterwards young Morton occupied and retired from the same observatory. A moment’s reflection enabled Major Ames to construe this singular behaviour. They had heard of his wife’s conduct, and were gluttonously feeding on so unusual a spectacle as himself in the club at this hour, and reconstructing in their monkey minds his domestic disturbances. They would probably ascertain that he had breakfasted here. It was all exceedingly unpleasant; there was no sympathy in their covert glances, only curiosity.
No one who is not a brute, and Major Ames was not that, enjoys a quarrel with his wife, and no one who is not utterly self-centred, and he was not quite that either, fails to desire sympathy when such a quarrel has occurred. He wanted sympathy now; he wanted to pour out into friendly ears the tale of Amy’s misdeeds, of his own magnanimity, to hear his own estimation of his conduct confirmed, fairly confirmed, by a woman who would see the woman’s point of view as well as his. The smoking room with these peeping Toms was untenable, but he thought he knew where he could get sympathy.
Millie was in and would see him; from habit, as he crossed the hall he looked to the peg where Dr Evans hung his hat and coat, and, seeing they were not there, inferred that the doctor was out. That suited him; he wanted to confide and be sympathized with, and felt that Evans’ breezy optimism and out-of-door habit of mind would not supply the kind of comfort he felt in need of. He wanted to be told he was a martyr and a very fine fellow, and that Amy was unworthy of him …
Millie was in the green, cool drawing room, where they had sat one day after lunch. She rose as he entered and came towards him with a tremulous smile on her lips, and both hands outstretched.
‘Dear Lyndhurst,’ she said. ‘I am so glad you have come. Sit down. I think if you had not come I should have telephoned to ask if you would not see me. I should have suggested our taking a little walk, perhaps, for I do not think I could have risked seeing Cousin Amy. I know how you feel, oh, so well. It was abominable, disgraceful.’
Certainly he had come to the right place. Millie understood him: he had guessed she would. She sat down close beside him, and for a moment held her hand over her eyes.
‘Ah, I have been so angry this morning,’ she said; ‘and it has given me a headache. Wilfred laughed about it all; he said also that what Amy did showed a tremendous lot of pluck. It was utterly heartless. I knew how you must be suffering, and I was so angry with him. He did not understand. Oh no, my headache is nothing; it will soon be gone — now.’
She faintly emphasized the last word, stroked it, so to speak, as if calling attention to it.
‘I’m broken-hearted about it,’ said Major Ames, which sounded better than to say, ‘I’m in a purple rage about it.’ ‘I’m broken-hearted. She’s disgraced herself and me - ’
‘No, not you.’
‘Yes; a woman can’t do that sort of thing without the world believing that her husband knew about it. And that’s not all. Upon my word I’m not sure whether what she did this morning isn’t worse than what you saw last night.’
Millie leaned forward.
‘Tell me,’ she said, ‘if it doesn’t hurt you too much.’
He decided it did not hurt him too much.
‘Well, I came down this morning,’ he said, ‘willing and eager to make the best of a bad job. So were we all: James Westbourne last night was just as generous, and asked the reporters to say nothing about it, and invited me to a day’s shooting next week. Very decent of him. As I say, I came down this morning, willing to make it as easy as I could. Of course, I knew I had to give Amy a good talking to: I should utterly have failed in my duty to her as a husband if I did not do that. I gave her a blowing up, though not half of what she deserved, but a blowing up. Even then, when I had said my say I told her we would live it down together, which was sufficiently generous, I think. But, for her good, I told her that James Westbourne said he saw she was unwell, and that when a man says that he means that she is drunk. Perhaps Westbourne didn’t mean that, but that’s what it sounded like. And would you believe it, just because I hadn’t knocked him down and stamped on his face, she tells me I ought to apologize to her for letting such a suggestion pass. Well, I flared up at that: what man of spirit wouldn’t have flared up? I left the house at once, and went and finished my breakfast at the club. I should have choked - upon my word, I should have choked if I had stopped there, or got an apoplexy. As it is, I feel devilish unwell.’
Millie got up, and stood for a moment in silence, looking out of the window, white and willowy.
‘I can never forgive Cousin Amy,’ she said at length. ‘Never!’
‘Well, it is hard,’ said Major Ames. ‘And after all these years! It isn’t exactly the return one might expect, perhaps.’
‘It is infamous,’ said Millie.
She came and sat down by him again.
‘What are you going to do?’ she asked.
‘I don’t know. If she apologizes, I shall forgive her, and I shall try to forge
t. But I didn’t think it of her. And if she doesn’t apologize - I don’t know. I can’t be expected to eat my words: that would be countenancing what she has done. I couldn’t do it: it would not be sincere. I’m straight, I hope: if I say a thing it may be taken for granted that I mean it.’