“Listen to me, honey, I want you to go and have a great time and not worry about me. I’ll be fine, I promise. I know I’ve told you before but I’m going to tell you again. If anything happens, make sure you use protection.” I wanted to laugh aloud but I kept a straight face. I loved embarrassing him, even though I meant every word I said.
“Mom!” His face turned red, as always. Graysen never liked to talk about sex with Austin, but I was determined that he would not become a statistic. I also liked to watch his reaction.
“I’m serious Austin; do you have condoms in your wallet?” Bless his heart, he looked horrified. You would think he would be used to it by now.
“Yes, Mom!” He looked away, embarrassed.
“They haven’t expired have they? Maybe you should check.”
“Oh, God, just please stop!” he groaned and I laughed. “You know, we don’t have to talk about this every time I have a date.” I laughed more, I couldn’t help it. No, I didn’t have to remind him but I wanted to make sure he was always prepared and I liked watching him blush. “Do you ever regret it?” he asked with sincerity and without looking at me.
“Regret what?” My smile faded and I was confused.
“Getting pregnant at seventeen.” I didn’t know why but this was something we had never talked about before. Did I regret it? That was an easy answer. Never!
“No, I don’t. Don’t get me wrong, we had a hard go of it in the beginning, but I wouldn’t change a thing,” I said, meaning every word of it.
“You never talk about you and Dad, about when you met, or about having me.” Huh, I realized I hadn’t. I didn’t mean to keep it from him; I just never thought he cared about it.
“Would you like to know?” I watched him for any signs that we shouldn’t venture into this new territory.
Letting out a breath, he said, “Yeah, I would.” I decided I needed a cup of coffee and to sit down if we were going to talk about this. Grabbing a filter and the coffee from the cabinet, I readied the pot and then put creamer in my cup. I had known that this would happen one day. Yes, it still hurt to talk about him, but I decided a long time ago that I would do whatever Austin needed me to. Pouring my cup full, I turned to him.
“Let’s go sit down.” Walking into the living room I sat on the couch, while Austin took a seat in the recliner. “I met your father when I was thirteen; we had just started high school together. He asked me to be his girlfriend and of course I said no.” I sat there smiling at the memory. “To be honest, I wasn’t that interested in boys then. He didn’t care, though. He still called me at night and we sat together when we were in class. He became my best friend.” Taking a sip of coffee, I let the memories flood my mind. “Then one day it all changed. I was fifteen and in the tenth grade. We were at a school dance and the girl he was with left him for another guy.”
“Seriously, she dumped him during the dance?” he asked, and I could tell he was hanging on my every word. I should have talked about his dad more before now, but the memories were just too painful before.
“Yeah! Can you believe it? She had some nerve. When I found him standing alone, I took his hand and led him to the dance floor, where we had a great time. Then about an hour later, she came back because the guy didn’t want much to do with her, or something like that.” Shaking my head at that particular memory, I continued, “And Graysen stayed with her the rest of the evening.”
“What! Why would he do that? If some chick dumped me during a dance, I sure as hell wouldn’t take her back.” I smiled at his outrage on my behalf, even if it did happen almost twenty years ago.
“Language.”
“Sorry.” He didn’t sound it.
“On Monday, he told me he shouldn’t have done that and wished he had stayed with me. That’s how we started dating. It started out great at first and I fell head over heels in love with him. Don’t get me wrong, we had our problems, a lot of them, but when you love someone, you work it out.”
“Like what?”
“One of the biggest problems that I recall was his mother.”
“Really, Mamaw didn’t like you two being together?” he asked with disbelief.
“No, she didn’t.” I took another sip of coffee while my mind went to Sandra, my mother-in-law. After Graysen passed away, I didn’t visit and she never came around much. She never took an interest in Austin or anything he did. When Graysen was alive, she wanted us to visit all the time, but at her convenience. “We’re getting off-topic,” I smiled. “We dated the rest of the way through high school and married soon after we graduated.”
“And you didn’t have me until after graduation?” He looked so interested.
“Right. I was seventeen when I graduated and I had you right before my eighteenth birthday.” My baby was born in October and I turned eighteen in November. It was hard to have a baby so young, but he was so worth it.
“Can I ask you something personal?” Not caring how embarrassed I might be, I would tell him anything at this point.
“You can ask me anything,” I said honestly.
“How long did you date him before you two had sex? I mean, I know you did, because you got pregnant, but…” Shit! I was used to embarrassing him, but this really was personal. You can do this… you can do this, I chanted in my head.
“It’s okay, Austin.” Exhaling slowly, I gathered my thoughts. “We dated for a year before we had sex, but I knew I loved him the first time we kissed. I know that sounds crazy but it’s true. We were at another dance and when he kissed me, I got butterflies in my stomach and everyone else in the room disappeared. I had kissed a few boys before, but none of them made me feel that way.” I knew this would be hard, but I’d never thought I’d be sitting here talking about my sex life with my son.
“So you were sixteen the first time,” he mused. “And you must have gotten pregnant soon after.” I could tell he was thinking, so I sat silently and waited. “Did you know that you probably couldn’t have kids?” That wasn’t what I expected.
“I didn’t have a clue and I had no reason to think I couldn’t at the time. I guess I just got lucky.” I gave him my best smile, because I did feel lucky.
“Yeah, right, I’m sure that’s what you thought at the time, when you were in school and pregnant. So then what happened?”
“Okay, so maybe I didn’t feel so lucky then, but that was because I was so scared.” He laughed. “But I did love you instantly and we decided to get married as soon as we graduated. We had already talked about getting married eventually, so when you came along we just moved up the timetable. Grandma and Grandpa took it well and I knew they would help us.”
“What about Mamaw and Papaw?”
“His parents didn’t take it well at all, but we knew they wouldn’t. They worried more about what everyone would think of them so they didn’t tell anyone. At graduation, I was only four months along and you couldn’t even tell I was pregnant. Graysen joined the military. We got married two weeks later and then moved away.”
“Did Dad know that you were sick before you got married?” Tears came to my eyes. I tried to stop them, but one escaped anyway. “I’m sorry, Mom. I shouldn’t have asked.”
“No, no, it’s okay, honey. Really. I don’t know if he did or not, because we really never talked about it. He knew that I was sick a lot growing up and that I got sick very easily, but that was it. When we moved away, my new doctor didn’t like the fact that I got sick so often and decided to send me to a specialty hospital. That’s where I was diagnosed. Later, when I got really sick, I always felt bad, you know? Like Graysen deserved a better wife, one who didn’t get tired so easily, someone who was healthy.”
“Stop that!” he admonished. I saw his eyes glisten and instantly regretted being so honest. “Dad loved you, no matter what. I’ve seen my friends’ parents, and none of them act half as in love as you and Dad did.”
“Thanks. When you love someone, you want the best for them. But sometimes I felt more like a b
urden.” I thought back to all the times I’d been in the hospital and left Graysen with Austin at the house. He had taken care of Austin, made sure the house stayed clean and stayed with me as often as he could. He sometimes wore himself out running back and forth. I always felt guilty for not being able to be the wife I wanted to be, the wife he deserved. Always running out of energy and being so tired, even when I wasn’t sick. Looking back at Austin, “Is there anything else you want to know?” I asked, smiling.
“I can’t think of anything right now.”
“Good, I have a question for you, then.”
“Okay,” he said slowly. I could see the dread in his eyes.
“We talked about my first time so… have you had sex before?” He turned blood red.
“I am not talking to you about this!” I saw the urge to flee in his eyes and I almost laughed.
“Not saying no means yes.” He was shaking his head his eyes closed, as if he were trying to erase the last sixty seconds of his life.
“Can we talk about it later, cause’ I think I need to get ready for the football game,” he said, still looking down, but now smiling and it made me glad that we talked.
“Of course honey, anytime you want.” I stood at the same time he did.
“Thanks Mom. I love you.” He hugged me and my heart warmed. He looked and acted so much like my Graysen. I only wished he could have seen him now, so grown up and such a good man and son.
“I love you too honey. Now, go get ready, and have a good time tonight.” He walked away. “And don’t forget the condoms, but don’t have sex!” I called to him as he walked down the hall shaking his head again. I didn’t tell him that I already had plans.
Placing new flowers on the freshly-mowed plot, I lay down beside Graysen’s grave. “Hi sweetheart. A lot has happened that I wanted to tell you about. Austin is in his senior year and misses you like crazy. He just turned eighteen and has a date tonight. I haven’t met any of the girls yet, so maybe that means he isn’t serious about one. I still can’t help embarrassing him.” I laughed a little, just thinking about it. “You would be so proud of him, Graysen. He reminds me of you at that age, your looks and your mannerisms.” Sighing, I reached out to touch the grass over him. “I miss you so much, sweetheart. I can’t believe you’ve been gone for two years.” I wiped the tears from my eyes. “They sentenced the guy that hit you that night, but I don’t know exactly what happened. Mom said he got five years, but I didn’t attend the hearing. I hope you understand. The only way I can be a good mom is not to dwell on the drunk driver. Austin needs me, without him I would have joined you. Life is so unfair.” I just lay next to his grave, next to my soul mate. I missed him so much every day that sometimes it was almost unbearable. I would never let Austin know that, though.
Two hours later, I knew I needed to get up. The wind was nipping at me and the last thing I needed was to be sick…again. With Thanksgiving just around the corner, I didn’t want to be in the hospital. The one thing I always told myself to make myself feel better was that, no matter how bad I felt, there was always someone out there who felt worse.
Pushing up from the ground, I rubbed his headstone. “I need to go home sweetheart. I love you and miss you, every single day! I’ll see you soon.” I got to my feet and headed toward my car. It wasn’t fancy just a Subaru Outback. He bought it for me before he passed because the winters here could be hard. We lived on a dirt road in southwest Virginia, with trees surrounding our three-bedroom ranch house. We had bees to make honey because he read it was really good for my immune system. Graysen always tried anything he could to make sure I was healthy, and it only made me love him more.
Driving home, I needed to get my mind in a better place before Austin arrived. I didn’t want him to think that the first time he left me alone for a date I fell apart. He needed to go to college, to just live and make something out of himself. He was very smart and a straight A student. He was also musically talented, like his dad, and had been taking guitar lessons for four years. The last thing I wanted to do was hold him back.
Arriving home, I poured myself a glass of wine and curled up on the couch with a blanket and a book. I loved reading, so I would use that to pass the time until Austin came home. Even though he was eighteen, I still worried about him. A drunk driver killed Graysen and I just needed to know that my son was safely home before I could rest.
A little after midnight, I heard the front door. Austin quietly let himself in and after hanging the keys up, he walked into the living room. “Hey, Mom, I’m home.” He came over and took a seat on the other end of our cream-colored leather couch. Looking at him sitting there, I couldn’t help but be proud. He was six-feet-two and weighed around 200 lbs. He had started working out last year and it showed.
“Did you have a good time?” I asked, putting my book down.
“I did.” He grinned.
Laughing I said, “I can tell by the look on your face that I don’t want any details.” He laughed aloud. “I think I’m going to go to bed. I’m glad you’re home honey.” Standing, I kissed his forehead and headed to my bedroom.
“Goodnight, Mom. See ya in the morning,” he called out.
The next morning Austin found me in the kitchen, sitting at the bar, sipping on my coffee. I smiled as he walked through still rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “Morning. Sleep well?” I almost laughed at his disheveled look. I don’t know what he did last night but I assumed he had thought about Kaitlyn all night and hadn’t slept much.
“Not really.” He grinned. “What do you have planned for today?” he asked while grabbing his own coffee.
“Nothing really, why?” I watched him as he came over and sat down at the breakfast bar beside me.
“Let’s go fishing.” That came out of nowhere. “Like we used to.” When Graysen was alive, we would take our one-man pontoon boats and float the river. I loved it. We had three of them but after Graysen died, we quit going.
“Okay, but we may have to buy more fishing rods. Let me do all my morning meds and we’ll go. We can stop by Walmart and buy what we don’t have.” His beaming smile warmed my heart.
“Good. While you get ready I’ll go load the boats and see what we need.” We finished our coffee and then went our separate ways.
Austin had the boats loaded on top of the Subaru. What fishing supplies we had were in the back along with his bicycle. We stopped by the store and picked up two new rods, along with hooks, sinkers and a container of night crawlers. We were set!
We chained Austin’s bike to a tree near the end of our float, so he could ride up the road and get the car when it was over. Driving on down the road, we found our familiar spot and unloaded the boats. After readying our supplies, we were on the river with fishing poles in hand.
“Thanks, Mom,” he said solemnly, without looking at me.
“You’re welcome.”
Floating the river was a great idea. Being on the river had a calming affect for both of us. It made us think of Graysen, but instead of internalizing it, we talked about him a lot. I never realized the depth to which his death affected Austin. I knew he had taken it hard, but it’s easy to get caught up in your own grief. Once again, I felt thankful that we had both gone to counseling and that we had such a close relationship.
The End!
I hope you enjoyed Finding Megan, and if you did please let me know by leaving a review. Be sure to check out the first book in the series.
Hannah
Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Epilogue
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Hannah Davenport, Finding Megan (The Kiser Series Book 2)
Finding Megan (The Kiser Series Book 2) Page 15