by Hudson Lin
“What? What’s wrong?” He leaned toward his computer screen, willing one of them to start talking.
Frank cleared his throat. “Well, son.” He paused to pull his glasses off.
Oh shit—this looked really bad. Ben braced himself.
“I went in for my annual health exam a little while ago, and, uh, the blood work came back with something funny.”
“Something funny?” Ben frowned. What was this, some kind of joke?
“Yes, well, my PSA level was above what Dr. Janick was comfortable with, so they had me undergo a biopsy.”
Ben’s head spun. PSA level? Biopsy? “Wait, I don’t understand anything you just said. Can you start at the beginning, please?”
Frank cleared his throat again, but Maureen jumped in before he could speak. “Your father has prostate cancer, dear.”
Cancer. Prostate cancer. Ben understood the words, but they didn’t make any sense to him. “What?”
“The original blood tests showed elevated levels of prostate-specific antigen. It’s some sort of substance produced by the prostate, and doctors use it as a test for prostate cancer. Since your father’s had an enlarged prostate for years, Dr. Janick has been monitoring his levels. They were high this time, so he had a biopsy, and they confirmed it. But they caught it early, just stage one, and Dr. Janick says it’s very treatable.”
Ben didn’t catch everything his mom said, but he latched on to the most important part. They caught it early. It’s very treatable. “When… when did you find out?”
Another shared look. Ben wasn’t going to like the answer.
“Several weeks ago,” Frank said.
“Several weeks? And you waited until just now to tell me?” Ben’s voice rose in volume, but he didn’t care. How could they keep something like that from him for weeks?
“We weren’t going to tell you until you came home,” Maureen shot back.
“What? Why?”
“We didn’t want to worry you,” she explained. “But then your father thought it might not be fair to keep it from you for so long.”
“Damn right!” Then sorry when his mom raised an eyebrow at him for cursing. “Do the others know?”
They nodded in unison before Frank spoke. “Yes, that was the other reason. We wanted you to hear it from us in case any of your siblings let it slip.”
“Wonderful. So I’m the last to know.” Because he was on the other side of the planet. Because he wasn’t there when big things were happening—important, life-threatening things.
“We’re sorry.” Maureen didn’t sound nearly as sorry as Ben would have liked. “But we’re focused on treatment right now, and Dr. Janick is very optimistic.”
“So what’s the treatment?”
“He likes the radiation option the best,” Frank said. “I think that’s what we’re going to go with.”
“What does that entail? And what are the other options?” Ben opened an internet browsing window, and typed in prostate cancer treatment.
“I’d have to go to the hospital every day for treatment. But he said it’s noninvasive. I’d just have to lie on a bed, and they hit me with some lasers. The whole thing takes fifteen minutes or something like that,” Frank explained, but Ben only half listened—he was busy bookmarking articles on prostate cancer.
“Ben. Ben!”
He switched back to the call window. “What, Mom?”
“You can do your research later. The point is that the treatment takes about three months, and he starts next Monday. Side effects should be minimal, so we’re all just staying positive, okay?”
Ben sighed. What he wouldn’t give to be home right then. “I should go home early. There’s only a few weeks left. I’m sure they’ll be okay if I leave early.”
“No, don’t do that—”
“There’s no need—”
His parents spoke at once. “That’s not why we wanted to tell you.” Maureen picked up the thought. “Like you said, you only have a few weeks left. You should finish your time in Hong Kong, make the most of it while you have the chance.”
“And I feel fine, son, really I do. I don’t feel tired or sick or anything. There’s not really anything you could do if you came back now, anyway,” Frank added.
“And besides.” Maureen smiled. “Don’t you want to spend the rest of your time with Sai?”
Sai. Shit. He had totally forgotten about Sai—and the conversation they had about Ben moving permanently to Hong Kong. Not that he could bring up that topic with his parents right then. He forced a smile but knew it was unconvincing.
“Yeah, okay.” He couldn’t have sounded less enthusiastic if he tried and then felt guilty about how unfair that was to Sai.
“We’ll be fine, dear. You enjoy yourself and don’t worry about us. We’ll speak again before you come home, okay?”
Ben nodded at his mom’s words, and then they said their goodbyes. He pushed his laptop away and crawled into bed, burying his nose in the pillow Sai used. So much for all their grand plans. It had seemed so perfect over the weekend. He would apply for the open position at work; he and Sai could find their own apartment. Maybe he could eventually convince Sai to quit his soul-draining job. Happily ever after, right around the corner. And now it was gone, dashed over the course of one internet call.
Chapter Fifteen
Tuesday, November 14
BEN SCANNED the crowded restaurant, and it took him a minute to spot Winston, Jacques, and the group of friends they’d all gone to Macau with. It was Amy’s birthday, and apparently they had a tradition to go out for hot pot dinner every year. Ben felt privileged to have been invited this time, but as he approached the table and saw Sai hadn’t yet arrived, he wondered if it had been a good idea to show up by himself. Two and a half months in a foreign country, and he still wasn’t quite used to being the odd person out.
“Hi, Amy,” Ben greeted the petite woman.
“Hi, Ben!” She rose from her seat to give him a hug. “Thank you so much for coming!”
“Thanks for inviting me. Happy birthday.” He handed her the gift-wrapped scarf he had picked up during his lunch break.
“You shouldn’t have! Thank you so much!” She took it with a smile. “And we’re delighted to have you here. You’re a wonderful replacement for Sai.”
She winked at him, but Ben didn’t want to be a replacement for Sai. He wanted to accompany Sai. Jacques waved him over to an empty seat. There were already pots of soup boiling away on the large round table. They were called “yin-yang” pots, Sai had explained once when Ben asked about the round metal bowls with a divider down the middle, designed to keep two different flavored soups from mixing together.
“No Sai today?” Jacques asked.
Ben shrugged. “He’s supposed to be here. Said he was leaving work soon when I spoke with him last.”
Not that that had meant much this past week. Since returning from Thailand, Sai had been inundated with work. A news story had broken about the social circle in which the parents of many of the people around the table were a part of, including Winston’s parents, the Leungs, and Sai’s parents. There had long been rumors of corruption and bribery, the bending of regulatory rules, government lobbying that bordered on illegal. A group of enterprising journalists had allegedly dug up evidence to substantiate the rumors, and now Sai was in charge of damage control.
He didn’t come home those first couple of nights. And when he did, he was so drained and exhausted that Ben didn’t have the heart to tell him about his dad’s prostate cancer. Sai had enough problems to juggle. He didn’t need Ben’s problems too.
Home. Funny how he thought of his apartment in Hong Kong as home—a home he shared with Sai. It was a nice sentiment, but that’s all it was, really, wasn’t it? A sentiment. Because Ben’s real home was half a world away, and he’d be returning to it in two weeks. That was all the time they had left. Two short weeks.
He heard his name mentioned but didn’t register the question
that came before it, or who did the asking.
“Sorry? What was that?”
It was Amy. “I was just asking if you’ve had hot pot before.”
“Oh, no, I haven’t.”
They proceeded to explain it to him. The concept was simple: they ordered plates of raw vegetables and meat, cooked it in the shared pot of boiling soup, and then dipped the food in custom-made sauces.
Under normal circumstances, Ben would be fascinated—it reminded him of Swiss fondue. But with his dad’s health and the dwindling time he had left with Sai, he couldn’t muster his usual enthusiasm. His dinner companions must have noticed because, after failing to engage Ben in conversation a few times, they left him alone to stew in his own thoughts.
Sai showed up halfway through dinner, sporting what was becoming his signature look: haggard with a dash of defeat. His friends gave him a hard time as he went around and greeted everyone, but when he took his seat next to Ben, all Ben got was a sad smile.
Ben returned it as his heart broke for the future they had dreamed of that was now out of their reach.
“Is everything okay?” he asked, not really sure what kind of answer he was looking for.
Sai shrugged, looking as unsure as Ben felt.
The dinner continued until Amy and her husband had to leave to relieve their nanny. The rest of them stayed behind, food devoured, just to keep chatting. Sai kept glancing at his watch, and Ben knew he had to find a moment alone before Sai slipped away again.
“Do you need to go back to the office?”
Sai had the decency to look guilty. “I should.”
“I can go with you.” That would give them an opportunity to talk.
Sai hesitated before finally relenting. “Are you okay with leaving now?”
“Sure.” Ben nodded. They made their excuses and headed outside.
The restaurant wasn’t that close to Sai’s office, but Sai surprised him by suggesting they walk.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so busy this past week.”
Ben appreciated the apology, but it only made him feel sadder. “You have a lot on your plate.”
Sai lifted his head, and Ben followed his gaze up to the flashing Chinese signs that lined both sides of the street. “It’s worse than what the newspapers have reported,” he said so quietly that Ben almost didn’t hear it.
“The corruption?”
Sai nodded. “These people are smart. They know how to cover their tracks and make sure there is no paper trail. I wouldn’t have even known where to look for it.”
“So then how do you know?”
A pause, and then Sai pressed his lips into a firm line and dropped his head. Maybe Ben didn’t want to know the answer to his question.
“But these are your parents’ friends, your parents too?” He couldn’t quite wrap his mind around the fact that such corruption existed so close to him.
Sai nodded again and drew in a shaky breath. He looked so hopeless that Ben debated whether he should bring up his dad’s cancer at all. But the longer he put it off, the worse it would be when he finally had to leave.
“My dad has prostate cancer.”
“What?” Sai stopped short.
Ben paused a few paces ahead. “My dad has prostate cancer,” he repeated.
Sai’s mouth gaped, and he dropped his head down for a moment before he seemed to pull himself together. He set his shoulders into a stronger line, and he lifted his chin with an air of determination.
“I’m so sorry, Ben.”
Ben nodded as they stood on the busy sidewalk, chaos all around their little bubble of silence.
“What is your father’s prognosis?” Sai’s voice was soft and gentle.
“They caught it early. It’s treatable.” That was the mantra Ben had been repeating to himself all week. “He started treatment yesterday. Says it’s completely painless, so that’s good.”
The silence dragged on before Sai spoke again. “So I presume you will not be applying for that open position at your company.”
A lump formed in Ben’s throat, and pain blossomed in his chest, right where his heart stumbled over itself. “No.” He could barely get the word out.
Sai nodded his agreement. “No, of course. You couldn’t. You shouldn’t.”
A few moments later, Sai started walking again, and Ben fell into step next to him. They continued in silence for some time. After all, what was there left to say? Nothing, and everything.
So many thoughts floated around inside Ben’s head. Like how much he loved Sai and how much he wished their circumstances were different. The romantic in him held out hope that they could still find some way to be together, but a trans-Pacific relationship wasn’t realistic. All he could do was try to cherish the time they had left.
They paused at the intersection that would take them in opposite directions: Sai to his office and Ben back to his apartment.
“I’ll see you later tonight?” Ben asked, though he didn’t expect much of an answer.
“Yes, I’ll be home soon,” Sai replied.
Ben’s heart broke at those words.
Sunday, November 19
BEN LOOKED even younger than his twenty-nine years when he was asleep, blond hair tousled, long lashes fanning across his cheeks. His bottom lip stuck out in a little pout.
At four in the morning and considering he had fallen into bed barely three hours ago, there was no rational reason for Sai to be awake—except he really wanted to watch Ben sleep. A week and a half was all they had left. He had known this was coming, saw the signs the first few times he had met Ben and all the caution signals since then. But all the warnings in the world were useless against the pull Ben had on him.
A little frown marred Ben’s brow, and he twitched as if reacting to something in his dreams. “No,” came the softly muttered word, and Sai hoped that it wasn’t a sad dream. “Sai.” Ben shifted in his sleep, swinging his arm out as if reaching for something.
Sai’s heart thudded in his chest, so heavily that he was positive it would leave bruises. Ben dreamed about him. Joy and guilt clashed, and he didn’t know what to feel as he pulled Ben close. Ben snuggled deep and settled back to sleep.
An errant thought had bounced around his mind ever since he learned about Ben’s father. There was no way Sai could ask Ben to stay at the moment, but what if Sai went with him instead?
Canada, where he didn’t know a single soul, he’d have to retake the local bar exam, and the winter was so cold that Sai shivered just thinking about it. If he really loved Ben like he said he did, could he leave everything behind and follow Ben to the other side of the world? The romantic answer would have been yes, but Sai had never considered himself a romantic.
It wasn’t simply that his life was in Hong Kong, but rather Hong Kong was in his blood. Leaving his home to go to school all those years ago had been one of the hardest things he’d done in his life. He had never fully adjusted to living abroad and he had promised himself he would never do it again. What would happen to them if he went to Canada and hated it?
Sai tightened his arms around Ben, and his heart squeezed painfully when Ben nuzzled his shoulder.
He couldn’t ask Ben to stay. He couldn’t go with him. He had to let him go.
SAI SPOTTED Ben in the corner booth and brought their tray of food over. He was surprised when Ben admitted he hadn’t had a Hong Kong breakfast yet, and the first place Sai thought of was McDonald’s.
Ben eyed the bowls of macaroni floating in soup, complete with a questionable slice of processed meat and a fried egg. “This is a Hong Kong breakfast?”
Sai laughed out loud; he couldn’t help it. Ben was more than adventurous with local cuisine, and this was what he objected to?
“It’s good. Trust me. When have I ever let you down?” Sai asked and then second-guessed himself. “With food.”
Ben took a deep breath as if to fortify himself and then lifted a spoon of macaroni with soup to his mouth. A few quick chews and a swa
llow later, Ben was a convert. “It’s pretty good. Definitely weird. But good.”
“See? I told you.”
Just as Sai picked up his own spoon to dig in, his phone vibrated loudly on the table. They both stared at the device as it bounced against the hard surface. He didn’t want to answer it; he had forbidden himself to do any work today.
“You should pick it up,” Ben said, and Sai loved him all the more for it.
He tapped the ignore button and slipped the thing into his pocket, where they could pretend it didn’t exist.
“What if it was important?” Ben asked, head down, spoon toying with his food.
“You’re important.”
The startled look that melted into love in Ben’s clear blue eyes when he glanced up was all the reward Sai needed for being disciplined about his phone.
Ben put his spoon down and folded his hands on top of the table. Sai got the distinct feeling he was about to get a lecture.
“Can you explain something to me? I’ve been trying to understand this, and I just can’t wrap my mind around it.”
“Sure.” But Sai wasn’t sure at all.
“You obviously hate your job. And I don’t mean the law, because you seem to like the law well enough. But these people you work for, they’re bad people.” Ben raised a hand at Sai’s protest. “Look, I know they’re practically like family, but just because they’re family doesn’t mean you have to have unwavering loyalty to them.
“I mean, you’ve said yourself that their ethics are questionable at best and that it makes you sick to have to do some of the things they make you do. So why do you keep doing it? Just because they have no morals doesn’t mean you can’t have morals.” Ben sat back from the table, hands thrown in the air in surrender. “Sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just….” He dropped his hands with a sigh. “I wasn’t going to say anything. But I can’t leave without saying something.”
Sai agreed with everything Ben said. It was all true. He had berated himself with those same arguments many times before, but it was the last thing Ben said that caught his attention.