“T, let’s just go. She already dead,” I said to my sister as she waved me off, and I left the room with my head down.
Jerrod was right there to hold me when I came out and told me it would be okay. I sat there dazed at the table beside him for a few minutes, and just stared at the door. Then suddenly, I heard my mother make a low, deep howl followed by loud gurgling noises and I knew she was gone. Jerrod was up and on his feet at that second, as he told me to get up and get ready while he ran out to get the car, which he had stashed in the woods. I stood up numb and walked over to the bedroom door on shaky legs, as my sister suddenly snatched open the door covered in blood.
I peered over her shoulder to see my mother’s body lying in a puddle of blood with the head missing. I turned my head and covered my mouth to keep down the food threatening to come up, as I spotted her head at the foot of the bed. I watched my sister walk by me nonchalantly and poured gas throughout the house, as I followed close behind. When we got to the door, I stopped as Terricka stopped and looked back one last time before taking out some matches. I couldn’t help but think that my sister looked like a mini version of my mother, as she threw the gas can back into the living room and took a cigarette out of her pocket, lighting it before she inhaled the smoke deeply. I watched as she blew smoke rings carelessly and acted as if we were waiting on a bus.
“Terricka, I can’t believe you did it. You ACTUALLY killed our mother. Do you think you can really live with that?” I asked my sister, as I walked past her out of the house and on to the porch.
I watched as Terricka hit the cigarette deeply and savored the smoke as she thought about an answer. Suddenly, she responded with the answer I feared most.
“Hell yea, I killed that bitch and I would kill her again. She deserved that shit Tisha and you know it. I know that was fucked up, but so was all the shit she did. Maybe I’m evil because I don’t give a fuck. Or MAYBE, I’M JUST LIKE MY MAMA!” my sister said as she threw the lit cigarette over her back into the gas trail and sent all of our troubles up in flames.
Chapter 13
After the deed was done, Terricka, Jerrod, and I loaded back into his car and disappeared into the darkness as thick black smoke filled the air. I made Jerrod stop at the corner right down the street from the house, so that I could watch it burn in the rearview mirror. I felt like the curse put upon our family long before I was born was lifted, as I watched the house my mother experienced her own pain in burn away. I couldn’t help but to feel sad as I thought about what my mother had to endure and what would happen to me and my sister’s soul for the sins we had done.
I hoped that my sins would never find their way to my daughter and ruin her life, like my mother’s had ruined mine. I couldn’t stop my emotions from bursting forward as I cried on Jerrod’s shoulder, and he held me tightly and reassured me.
“Everything is going to be alright Tisha, I promise you. I will never leave or forsake you. Everything you’re going through, we will go through together. I told you if that time ever comes, I would take this charge and be satisfied knowing that you are safe. So, stop worrying baby. This was meant to be Tisha. Now, rest your head,” Jerrod said before he kissed me on the forehead while he pulled me closer to him.
Before I laid my head on his shoulder, I looked up to see him looking at Terricka in the rearview mirror. When I saw him nod his head, I knew that he was just confirming with her that he had me and everything would be alright. The only thing was, I couldn’t stop my heart from racing or ignore that dull, nagging feeling in my stomach. I couldn’t help but feel everything wasn’t alright and that soon, everything would come crashing down around us.
Despite that horrible feeling in my stomach and the ache in my heart, I laid my head on Jerrod’s shoulder and fell asleep as I listened to the sound of him breathing. I didn’t stay sleep long though because my dreams were invaded by vivid visions of what we had done to our mother. I couldn’t help but to keep seeing her face as she begged for her life. The image of her body lying in a puddle of blood, blood that was still on my hands, didn’t help either.
I woke up screaming, just as Jerrod pulled into the Overlook and Buddy hopped into the car. Jerrod had to shake me for a couple of minutes as he yelled my name before I came to my senses. When his face became clear and I realized it wasn’t all just a bad dream and we had actually killed our mother, I couldn’t stop the violent shakes that started in my ankles and slowly worked their way up my body. I shook uncontrollably in Jerrod’s arms as I cried and he held me tight. I could hear my sister as she sighed in the backseat and wished I would just shut the fuck up.
“Maine, kill that shit Tisha. We discussed this already. You have to let it go. What’s done is done. Now, we just gotta make sure you keep yo fucking mouth closed. This ain’t no time to grow a fucking conscious. Hell, Denise sholl never had one,” my sister said as her words cut my heart like a knife.
I knew what she was saying was true, however, the harshness and severity in Terricka’s voice made me feel alienated, like I was all alone, with not even her to understand me. I quickly sucked up my tears and pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind as Buddy asked what had happened. I sat there still in Jerrod’s arms as he cranked up the car and prepared to pull off while Terricka told the story.
My sister’s voice was so cold and careless as she described my mother’s murder, like she was telling a story she had seen on t.v. For a second, I didn’t even recognize her as I turned around to look at her face and she lit the blunt Buddy had behind his ear.
“Terricka, I know we’re all stressed right now, but you don’t need to be smoking. You’re pregnant, T. What about the baby?” I asked as I looked at my sister and watched her eyes turn fire red.
Terricka hit the blunt deeply and savored the smoke in her lungs for a few seconds before she blew out the smoke to reply to me. When she opened her mouth and spoke, it was like my broken bridge had finally fallen down as I realized my sister and I would probably never be the same again.
“Look here, little high and mighty bitch, mind yo own fucking business,” Terricka said as Buddy sat forward and interrupted her.
“What did she just say Terricka? You pregnant?” Buddy asked with a happy but surprised look on his face.
I watched as he reached over to touch my sister’s stomach and she rudely pushed him away. I couldn’t understand why she was being so evil when he was so happy to be a dad.
“Bitch, you talk too much. I didn’t even want this nigga to know I was pregnant yet, but since your old talking ass has let the cat out of the bag, yeah I’m pregnant. I still haven’t decided whether or not I want to keep it, which is why I wasn’t going to tell you yet. Thanks to my sister and her sudden dose of fucking morality, I guess I don’t have that choice anymore. Thank you, TISHA. I know not to ever tell yo ass shit again,” Terricka said as she spat her words like venom and crushed my heart with each word.
I sat there stunned with tears in my eyes as Jerrod held me, while Terricka and Buddy argued in the backseat. By the time we made it to Raleigh at Buddy’s brother’s house where they were staying, I wondered if I would ever be close to my sister again. She wouldn’t even look at me as she got out of the car, slammed the door, and stomped up the stone walkway. Buddy stopped by the passenger window to talk as Terricka yelled for him to come open the door.
“Maine Tisha, don’t even sweat the shit she said. Everybody on edge right now and for the last month, she been acting really bitchy. I guess we all know why now. You did the right thing though Tish, regardless of that shit she saying. I deserve to know and have some input on what happens to the baby I helped create. I don’t know what’s going on with your sister right now, but everything will be alright. Once all of this shit blows over, we’ll all be back to how we used to be. Okay?” Buddy said as he hugged me through the window, then reached over me to give Jerrod some dap.
I could do nothing but shake my head yes as I sat there numb and stared at my sister, who was still st
anding by the door. Terricka still wouldn’t look directly at me until Buddy got on the porch and had unlocked the door to let her in. Just before she stepped in, she turned to look at me before mouthing the words, “Sisters No More” and stepped inside. I felt all of the energy I had inside of me disappear when she slammed the door and I realized I had just lost the last link I had left. I cried and shook in Jerrod’s arms for minutes as I mumbled that I had nothing and no one left.
“You still got me baby, Sha, and you have A’Miracle too. You still have Terricka, she just needs a little time right now. We all do. Just rest my queen. I promise everything will be okay. I promise!” Jerrod said and I hoped with all of my heart that he was right.
I slept for what seemed to be an eternity, but was actually only twenty minutes, wrapped up in my thoughts and kept company by all of the violent images of my life. Jerrod woke me up with light kisses to my face as he told me we had arrived at home. I slowly opened my eyes and tried to shake off the heavy, sorrowful feeling in my heart as I stared around at what would be the place I would live my new life. After being pushed from one place to another all of my life, it felt good knowing that I would finally have roots.
“See baby. I told you everything would be alright. Not only did I get us this car, but I bought this house and all of the furniture in it. We are going to have a HAPPY life, future Mrs. Shartisha Hill, and nothing or no one will ever take that happiness from us. Now we are going to leave all of the ugliness we’ve had in our lives behind at this moment and only focus on us. It’s bout time we become priorities Tisha and regardless of what the world has shown you, you do deserve happiness, and that’s what I’m going to give you. So, sit yo sexy ass up in your seat and get ready to see the home daddy set up for you,” Jerrod said jokingly as he kissed me on the lips lightly before he jumped out of the car.
I sat there numb, still weighed down by my troubles as the man of my dreams, the father of my child, my everything walked around the car to open the door for me. The cold January air hit me so hard, I began to shiver as I stepped out next to Jerrod. In an instant, he dashed into the backseat and grabbed a heavy bubble coat and wrapped it around my shaking body.
“Oh baby, you cold. I’ll warm you up. I’ll always take care of you Tisha because I love you,” Jerrod said as he wrapped his arms around me from the back and kissed my neck.
I felt a tingle race up my spine the instant Jerrod’s lips were on my skin as I tried to concentrate on taking in my surroundings. I couldn’t help but feel a bit overwhelmed with love as Jerrod continued to hold me tightly and I saw that he had indeed gotten a house fit for a queen. I felt breathless as I stared at the beautiful two-story stone house, nestled in the heart of Germantown, that had a huge metal gate with an angel face carved into the top.
“Look around you, baby. This is a long way from that apartment in Breezy Point. This is the house a woman like you deserves, if not more. We even got our own angel watching over us. This is the beginning of our new life. This house is my gift to you, in hopes of a fresh start. I want to give you the world Tisha, and I will. Just watch. Now, let’s get in this house,” Jerrod said as he kissed me again, while he walked me to the door and a single tear rolled down my face.
When I stepped inside of the house, I was taken aback by the simple yet beautiful black, white, and red décor with furnishings to match. Jerrod had thought of everything from the giant life-sized picture of us over the over-sized black sectional, to the matching coasters on the table.
“Welcome home baby,” Jerrod said as he grabbed me in his arms and kissed me deeply before he dragged me through the house for a tour.
I walked with Jerrod quiet and happy, but too numb to even enjoy it. We went through the downstairs and the four bedrooms and three bathrooms upstairs quickly, as Jerrod talked the entire time, and I fought the horrible visions in my mind. By the time we made it to the master bedroom, I was emotionally spent and felt like my heart would explode. The internal fight between my good and bad side raged on before there was a chaotic climax, which pushed my emotions to the surface. I was so overwhelmed; I couldn’t even speak to ask for help as Jerrod dashed into the master bath to start the whirlpool tub.
Tears streamed down my face hard and fast as my body began to tremble again, and I felt light headed. I had to quickly stumble over to the king sized bed with Polo bedding to sit down before I hit the beautifully polished hardwood floor. Jerrod noticed what was happening as he walked back into the room and quickly dashed over to me.
“Tisha, what’s wrong baby? Baby, it’s gonna be okay. I’m going to run you a bath and let you get in, then I’ll order us something to eat. After that, it’s rest for you baby. You just need to lay in my arms and let me love all the pain away. Come on baby,” Jerrod said and then kissed my head.
I felt some of my sorrow fade away as Jerrod kissed down my forehead to my lips while he looked me deeply in the eyes. His love burned so strongly behind those beautiful, brown eyes, I could feel it as it fought the sadness inside of me. I kissed Jerrod deeply and held him tight as he gently lifted me to my feet. We stood there still and quiet for a few seconds as we just enjoyed the loving embrace. Jerrod broke our trance by kissing me once again, while he held my face in both hands and looked at me with that same loving gaze.
“You have to let it go, Tisha. If not for you and me, for A’Miracle. It’s going to be okay. I got you forever!” Jerrod said before he led me into the bathroom by my hand.
The master bathroom was beautiful with the gray and black tile floor, double sink with huge wall-to-wall, lighted vanity mirror, and separate whirlpool tub with a two-person shower on the side. The smell of lavender filled my nose as I walked over to the mirror and looked at my battered and swollen face. My eyes looked as vacant as I stared at myself and barely recognized the girl who stared back at me. I ran my fingers over the cuts and bruises on my face as tears continued to roll down my cheeks and over my fingertips, and I wondered when I would be able to look at myself in the mirror without visible scars and an invisible pain.
Jerrod was by my side, as usual, hugging me tightly before he began to gently take off my clothes. I stood there trembling slightly as he took off my shirt and bra, before moving to my pants. When he got to my pajamas, I remembered the tapes I had hidden inside and quickly reached to pull them out. Jerrod stopped and watched me as I turned the tapes over in my hand and concentrated on the word Fun written on one side. I felt rage begin to burn inside of me, almost overshadowing the sadness as I remembered what was on the tapes.
“Tisha, TISHA! What’s on those tapes?” Jerrod asked me loudly as he broke the trance I was in.
I turned to him slowly with the tapes in hand as I shook from anger and not fear.
“I got these tapes out the basement of my mama’s house. That’s where they had those kids and they… And they…,” I said as I began to fume and growl like an angry lioness.
I felt nothing but malice in that moment, as I remembered all of the awful things my mother had done. Not only had she violated, abused, and misused her own kids their entire lives, she also put that hurt on someone’s else’s kids for her own gain. All of the remorse I felt right after my mother’s death began to slowly disappear as I continued to hold the tapes while I looked at Jerrod and the visions of the kids tied up played in my mind.
I quickly began to tell Jerrod the story of how I discovered the kids and what the tapes would show, but hearing something so awful happening to kids right after he had a daughter of his own was too much for him to bare.
“That’s okay baby, we don’t have to talk about it. Give them to me. After your bathe, you can watch them as I go to get our food. Just let them go now, Tisha,” Jerrod said as he pulled the tapes from my hands with a little force.
I didn’t even realize how tight I had the tapes gripped in my hand until Jerrod snatched them away, but once they were gone, so was some of my anger. I slowly continued to take my pajamas and panties off as Jerrod took the tapes
into the bedroom and laid them on the bed. Just as he walked back into the room, I stepped into the tub and submerged my body in the sweet smelling, warm water. I felt relaxed but still a bit angry inside as I let my head rest on the side of the tub, and Jerrod sat down to stroke my hair.
I felt completely numb as I laid there in the water and Jerrod sprayed me with water to wet my hair. I closed my eyes as he put shampoo in his hands and lathered my scalp. It felt so good to have his loving hands on me as he washed away my worries. For the rest of the time, Jerrod washed my hair and body as he told me how much he loved me. I was able to enjoy it without any hurt, anger, or worry.
By the time I got out, Jerrod dried my body, and I slipped into the white, cotton baby doll gown he had waiting, I felt almost normal. That feeling didn’t last though because the second I walked into the bedroom and saw the tapes lying on the bed, that dormant rage that was inside of me burst forward like a fucking wilder beast. Jerrod could sense the change in me as he walked out of the bathroom and quickly grabbed his keys off the dresser. He looked at me with an almost nauseous expression as he pleaded with me with his eyes and hoped I would not ask him to watch
“Go ahead and get the food baby. I know you can’t watch it but I have to. I don’t know why, but I have to,” I said to Jerrod as he nodded that he understood.
I stared at him as he walked over to me and kissed my forehead before he repeated how much he loved me. I said that I loved him too, as I kept my eyes on him and he walked out of the room. Although he was gone, I sat on the bed motionless with the tapes still in my hands. When I heard the front door close, I knew that he was gone, so I got up to stick the first tape into the vhs/dvd combo. I grabbed the remote and plopped down on the bed as I breathed like an overweight pig.
SINS OF THY MOTHER 3 Page 14