I slipped Dad’s phone into my purse. I motioned to Holly to follow, and we headed in the direction of the toy store. We passed Sarah a second time—I could tell she was looking back at Mom. I was relieved when she started following Holly and me.
We were a few yards from the toy store when I spotted Jen and Mrs. Harris. Oh, boy, I thought. What now? Will Sarah keep her distance until after we pass Jen’s mom?
Holly and I quickened our pace and finally reached the two of them.
“Hi, Jen,” I yelled out. “Hi, Mrs. Harris.”
“Hello there, girls.” Mrs. Harris leaned over to Kris and gave her a delicate kiss on her forehead. “Hey, Kris, how’s my little girl?”
Mrs. Harris adored Kris so I figured I’d better cut this exchange short. Just as I was planning my strategy, Jen’s mom tucked her hands under Kris’s arms and tried to remove her from the stroller.
“Mrs. Harris, Mom’s waiting for you—that way,” I pointed.
“Oh, well, I’d better go then.” She released her grip on Kris. “Jen, you want to hang out with the girls then? Sandy, I’m surprised your mom let you have Kris.”
“Dad gave me his phone just in case.”
“Okay, we’ll see you later. Jen, let’s meet at the food court at 11:15 or so.”
“Okay, Mom,” Jen agreed.
Finally! Mrs. Harris left us to look for Mom. I could see Sarah watching her as she passed by. When Sarah looked our way, I motioned for her to let her know we were going into the toy store.
As far as I could tell, the hard part was over. Sarah had seen Mom so my promise to her was complete. The two had not actually made contact which was my second essential objective. And best of all, Mom still didn’t know a thing. I sighed deeply and wheeled Kris into the toy store. Holly and Jen were right behind us.
“Whew, that was close,” I said.
“But it worked out,” Holly said.
“What should we do now?” Jen wanted to know.
Just then we saw Sarah enter the store. She saw us immediately, so I motioned her over. I could see that she was as happy as I was that our plan had turned out so well. The first thing she did when she reached us was throw her arms around me and hug me so tightly, I could hardly breathe.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you, Sandy,” she said. “Your mom is beautiful. I can’t believe this is happening.”
Me neither, I thought. But now, I wanted it to be over, for her to leave right away. Obviously, however, this wasn’t her plan.
“Is this Kris?” she asked. “She’s so cute. Would it be okay for me to hold her?”
“I don’t know, Sarah,” I said nervously. “Mom and Dad could be coming this way at any minute.”
“Please, Sandy,” she said.
“Well, if you hurry….”
Sarah lifted Kris and settled her on her hip. My baby sister was definitely obliging—she loved attention and was happy to be held at any time by just about anyone. She nuzzled her face into Sarah’s shoulder and the molded image of my two sisters began dancing in circles right there in the middle aisle of the toy store.
Jen started searching for her camera. “Kodak moment,” she announced.
The four of us sisters huddled together for our first picture together. If Mom only knew….
And then the unthinkable happened. Holly saw him first.
“Oh, God,” she said under her breath. “Sandy, Dad’s looking into the toy store.”
I hardly had a chance to respond when I saw Dad casually walking through the double doors at the front of the store. I was so stunned I could hardly breathe. And I certainly didn’t have another minute to devise a plan.
Within seconds, he was standing in front of us. “Find anything you like?”
Holly was more collected than I was and spoke first.
“Oh, Dad, we don’t play with toys anymore.”
Jen, the life saver, added, “Yeah, we’re just here so Kris can look at the toys.”
I couldn’t feel my legs from my knees down. I still couldn’t breathe, but now I couldn’t talk either. How in the world should I introduce him to Sarah, or should I even do that? My mind was spinning.
I finally managed to get my first words out, but I felt they were strangling me as I spoke.
“Where’s Mom?”
“She’s with Jen’s mother at Valigura’s,” he answered. He then turned to Sarah. “And who’s this?”
I nearly died right then and there. If I could have managed fainting, I would have. Again, Holly saved me.
“This is Sarah, Dad,” she answered.
“Good to meet you, Sarah,” he said. “You must be a student at the high school.”
“I’ll be a senior this coming year.”
“Hanover High?”
“No,” she replied. “Sunset Valley. I always come over here to Hanover to shop at the mall.”
“Oh, sounds good. Well, it’s good to meet you.”
I could have sworn that I detected a puzzled look on his face that lasted just a little too long. He looked away, paused briefly, and then offered to take Kris out of Sarah’s arms.
“I’ll take her if you girls want to walk the mall,” he offered.
I searched his face for clues as to what he might be thinking. Would he ask me later where Sarah and we girls had met? Or would our encounter be totally forgotten once we got home?
We stayed at the mall for another hour or so talking with Sarah. Jen took a few more pictures. Finally Mom called and told us to meet her at the food court. While there, Mom noticed that Kris’s nose was running, so we cut our lunch with Jen and Mrs. Harris short and we left to find our car. Thankfully, Sarah had made good on her promise to stay out of sight.
As soon as we reached the house, Mom bolted from the car and rushed upstairs to find a thermometer because she was certain Kris had a fever.
Dad told Holly and me to wait with him while he pulled the car into the garage. As soon as the car was parked and turned off, Dad started right in. He didn’t even turn around to look at us before he started asking questions.
“Who’s this Sarah, and how long have you known her?”
Holly and I looked at each other. I figured I should be the one to confess if the conversation got that far, so I answered his question.
“She lives in Sunset Valley, Dad. We haven’t known her for very long.” Safe answer, I figured.
I didn’t want to lie to him, but at this point, I wanted to avoid offering him too much information. Frankly, though, his next question had me trapped.
“How is it that you know her?”
When he turned around after asking that question, I knew we were in trouble. Holly knew, too, so in true Holly fashion, she blurted out the truth.
“She’s our sister, Dad,”
Dad looked as though the wind had been knocked out of him, and all of a sudden, I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t want to explain how we knew about her, and he didn’t ask. In fact, the conversation died right there. Dad got out of the car and walked into the house without saying another word. Holly and I followed knowing full well that this conversation wasn’t really finished.
I went straight to my room, and Holly went to hers. By the time I got to my bed, I was in tears. I couldn’t exactly read Dad’s reaction in the car. Certainly he was shocked that we knew Mom’s secret, but was that all? Did he feel as though we had deceived him and Mom by making contact with Sarah without their knowledge? Was he angry with us? What was he going to tell Mom? I wondered if we should have told him the whole story. I just didn’t know what to think. That night, I was certain that I could classify this day as the worst time of my life.
But I was wrong.
Chapter 16
The next morning I woke up at around 5:30 and was immediately aware that someone was already fixing breakfast. Odd, I thought. We’ve never been early risers, but I figured Kris had had a bad night and Mom wa
s just trying to get her to eat.
I was surprised then when I saw only Dad and Gran in the kitchen. What’s Gran doing here, I wondered.
“Where’s Mom?” I asked them both.
Gran was tending to the bacon I had smelled from all the way upstairs and Dad was setting the table.
“At the hospital,” he answered. “By two this morning, Kris’s fever was pretty high. Almost 103. Her cardiologist wanted us to take her in.”
I wasn’t really concerned at that point because Kris was no stranger to the medical community. She was seeing a cardiologist and general practitioner frequently. She had had more medical appointments within the previous six months than the rest of the family combined. Even though she had a myriad of physical problems, none of them compared to the severity of her heart condition. This was a dark cloud that never went away, but it had never been bad enough to necessitate a trip to the emergency room.
“How come you’re not with Mom?” I asked. “Kris will be scared, Daddy.”
“As soon as I talk with you and Holly, I’m going to the hospital.”
“Is it bad? Is something wrong, bad wrong, with Kris?”
Dad placed the last fork with great deliberation to the side of the plate at the head of the table.
“Sandy, let’s wait for Holly.”
“No!” I yelled. “Tell me now. What’s wrong with her?”
Gran turned off the range and slid the pan of bacon to a cool burner. By the time Dad was at my side, she was, too.
“Sandy,” she said, “Kris is really sick. The fever could cause problems for her heart. We’re just going to have to wait and see.”
I knew she said something more, but I can’t remember what it was. Perhaps I stopped listening—I’m not sure. Wild images were dancing in my head. All I could think of was Kris in the hospital, terrified and without me.
“I want to go, Dad,” I begged.
“Maybe if her fever breaks. Until then, you and Holly will have to stay here with Gran.”
“No, Daddy.”
“It could get complicated,” he insisted.
“I won’t be in the way. I promise.”
I could see tears welling in Gran’s eyes.
“She should go,” she said.
I looked at Dad’s face for an affirmative sign, but it took awhile to see one.
“Go get dressed, and don’t wake Holly,” he finally said.
I dashed out of the kitchen and up the stairs. The clothes I wore the previous day were still draped over the computer where I had left them. I hurriedly put them on and was back in the kitchen in less than three minutes.
Dad was leaving instructions with Gran so I grabbed his keys and left to start the car. It wasn’t long before he slid in the driver’s seat and we were on our way.
The drive to the hospital was a short silent blur. We didn’t have much time to talk and I’m sure Dad didn’t feel like carrying on a conversation any more than I did. As soon as he pulled into the parking space at the hospital, he turned off the car and touched my hand.
“Don’t say anything to your mom about Sarah,” he said. He looked me squarely in the face and added, “She doesn’t need that right now.”
I nodded my head slightly knowing that there would be no opportunity for discussion. We both left the car and hurried to the hospital’s front door. Upon entering, we saw an information desk where a smiling receptionist greeted us.
“Are you looking for a patient?” she asked.
“Kris Robeson,” he answered.
She scanned her computer screen and finally found Kris’s name.
“She’s on the second floor. Room 212.”
Dad grabbed my arm without saying another thing to the receptionist and we both headed for the elevators.
“If she’s in a regular room, that means she’s not that sick, right, Daddy?” I asked as we entered the elevator.
Dad stopped the doors before they could close completely and he pulled me out of the elevator and into the hallway.
“We have to talk, Sandy.”
He guided me toward a waiting area and told me to sit down. Beads of sweat were forming on his brow and I noticed a mild shaking in his hands. I knew I wasn’t going to like what he was about to tell me.
“What, Dad?”
“You know Kris isn’t healthy,” he began.
The catch in his voice made me think he was on the verge of crying. I wasn’t too far away from tears myself.
“I know about her heart, Daddy. She has Down’s Syndrome. I know about all of that,” I told him.
His following silence and the heartbroken look on his face were as telling as any words could have been. Extreme panic overtook me. I bolted to the elevator doors and pounded furiously on the up button. When the doors didn’t open, I tried to open them myself. I could feel Dad’s hands on my shoulders, but I brushed them off. He was trying to sooth me but I couldn’t hear anything he was saying. He tried to hold me a second time, but I tore away from him and started running. Within a few minutes, I was in the stairwell—he was following close behind. By the time I reached the landing on the second floor, he caught up with me and pinned me against the wall.
“Sandy,” he whispered, “please calm down.”
Suddenly my energy was gone and I slipped down to my knees. He joined me on the floor and took me into his arms. It was the first time I had ever seen my father cry.
“Sandy,” he said, “this is hard, I know.”
“The doctors can’t help her?”
“She’s very sick. We don’t know for sure what’s going to happen.”
“Mom—what about Mom?”
“We’ll talk later, okay? Right now, they both need us.”
I brushed the tears off my face and took my dad’s hand.
“Let’s go,” I said.
Within a few minutes, we were standing outside of Kris’s room. Dad patted my face with his handkerchief and then blotted his own eyes.
“Ready?”
I nodded my head and opened the door.
Right away, I could see Mom sitting in a lounge chair with Kris in her lap. Mom motioned for us to come closer.
“It’s okay to touch her,” she said. “Be careful of the IV line and that little thing on her finger.”
Dad kissed Kris’s forehead and I wrapped her tiny fingers around my thumb. She opened her beautiful blue eyes and for a brief time she looked at me, smiled, and then closed her eyes. I moved the oxygen mask from her face and kissed her tiny lips. When I swept the hair from her forehead, she opened her eyes a second time and extended her hands toward me.
“Can I hold her, Mom?”
“I’m going to put her in her bed. Then I want you to lay down with her.”
“Is it okay to do that?” I wondered out loud.
“She’s used to sleeping with you,” she answered. “I’ll lay down next to her on her other side.”
After Mom had Kris and me situated in the bed, she gently crawled in on the other side of Kris. Like so many times before, Kris buried her little head in my shoulder, draped her arm over my neck, and drifted off to sleep.
It felt good to cuddle with her and pretend for a few minutes that as long as I was holding her, nothing bad could happen. And then I prayed furtively, begging God to change his mind if his intention was to take her away.
Vacillating between hopefulness and despair, I just wanted to take her home. My eyes were tearing and my heart was breaking.
I thought Mom had fallen asleep until she handed me a tissue.
“Here,” she said. “Dry your tears, honey.”
“Mom, what’s going to happen?”
“Only God knows for sure,” she answered.
“Daddy told me—“
“Kris is very sick, Sandy. The doctors want us to be prepared in case something bad happens.”
“She could die?”
Mom propped herself up in the bed and gr
abbed another tissue.
“It could happen, Sandy.”
My mother’s words stunned me. I looked down at our peaceful little baby not daring to imagine our lives without her. I clutched Kris’s body and drew her closer to my own. I stroked her hair, kissed her lips, and whispered whatever I could think of into her ears. There I stayed for the better part of each day intent on staying close, comforting her in every possible way I could, and praying that God would return her to us.
On the eleventh day of her stay in the hospital, our little baby, defeated by an unrelenting fever and an unhealthy heart, left us to join God in Heaven, forever free of the trials of this life. No longer the victim of poor health, unending medical involvement, and certainly a bleak future, our baby was finally whole in Heaven.
Chapter 17
During the following two days, Holly and I were the forgotten two as Mom and Dad made arrangements for Kris’s funeral, received countless visitors, and managed what seemed to be an endless array of food that friends and neighbors brought to the house. Mom’s demeanor was baffling to Holly and me since we knew she was capable of tears, but we weren’t seeing any. In fact, she seemed to ignore the reality that our baby was gone and instead focused on constantly “cleaning up” in preparation for the next slew of visitors. Dad’s behavior was just as perplexing. He mowed the lawn the day after Kris died.
Looking back, it’s now a little easier to understand the “adult” way of handling a tragedy of this magnitude—perhaps their busyness was their way of coping, their way of taking one step after the other, their way of holding on to a shred of sanity when their grief threatened to take that away.
As for me, I confess I had no way to cope and I wasn’t interested in finding one. All I wanted was another minute with Kris—I wanted her back. Our connection with each other was now broken, and I wondered how she would do without me. How would she find her way to Heaven without my help? If only I could take her myself to make sure she gets there safely, I thought numerous times.
Such is the rationale of a fourteen-year-old girl consumed with grief and beleaguered by the incapacity to truly accept the finality of a life so young and so precious as that of our baby. I dreaded the funeral—viewing the body would erase my fantasy that all of this wasn’t really happening.
I was already awake that morning when I heard Mom trying to arouse Holly. Except for their exchange, the house seemed quiet. After a few minutes, I could tell Holly was getting dressed so I decided to do the same. While I was laboring over what I should wear, Holly appeared in my bedroom doorway wearing her blue graduation dress.
Are You My Sister? an adoption story Page 5