by Sera, Drew
Her stressed eyes flew up to the menu again and Anthony and I watched her struggle and worry. Anthony moved closer to her and spoke low so only the three of us could hear.
“Sunshine, get some fries and a Coke. You can’t go wrong.”
“But, I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish everything.”
She looked frightened and on the verge of tears. There was something deeper here to be looked into. I made a mental note of that but right now we just needed to relax her.
“Then whatever you don’t finish, he will,” I said lightly and playfully hit Anthony in the stomach. “He’s like a vacuum for food.”
“I’m offended, Col.” Anthony jabbed back and I rolled my eyes. I finished ordering while Anthony was explaining to Sydney that after he inhales his lunch that he’s coming back for dessert. Hearing her laughter behind me warmed my heart.
Anthony and I got her settled and once she started eating, we did. And as he promised, Anthony ate his food fast. Sydney was still working on her food so I tried to slow down eating mine so she wouldn’t feel pressured and like we were waiting on her to finish. Every now and then, Anthony would steal a fry of hers which would cause a small laugh.
She connected with him and he calmed her. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to train her without him.
“Sunshine, have you had a McFlurry?”
“No, what is that?”
“It’s a wonderful concoction of vanilla ice cream blended with candy.” Anthony raised his eyebrows a few times and then whispered, “M&M’s.” Her eyes lit up and she smiled. “Want one?”
“Oh, no. I couldn’t. I’m full from lunch.”
“Sure you can. We’ll share one.” Anthony stood and looked over at me. “What do you want, man? I’m not getting three spoons so you can forget about sharing the McFlurry with us.”
More laughs from Sydney, which caused Anthony and I to laugh some.
“I’ll have a chocolate shake.”
I can’t express the pure joy that washes over me when Sydney smiles and laughs. To actually hear her laugh was a gift. Soon Anthony was back with my shake and their McFlurry.
“Oh my God! This is so good!” Sydney said excitedly while shoveling the candied ice cream into her mouth.
I noticed Anthony only ate a spoonful for every three or four Sydney had. And I know he left most of the candy pieces for her. He’s never bent over backwards like this for a woman. I was happy to see that there might be hope in him possibly being a Dom for Sydney.
On our way home we stopped in the cell phone store that was close to my house. I needed to get a new phone for Sydney. One with a new number that the bastard didn’t have. She didn’t need to worry about being harassed by him anymore. I got her the latest iPhone just like the one Anthony and I had. I knew she liked them because her phone that we turned over to the police was the first generation iPhone. She picked out the white one and a light blue case for it.
When we got home, I sent Sydney’s new cell phone number to Dwayne and made sure the Matt and Gina had it as well. I downloaded a few apps that I thought she’d enjoy including one that could locate her phone in case she misplaced it. I showed her all of the new options with contacts and games. She enjoyed the iBook’s option. I knew this phone would be good for her and free of Howard.
Chapter 33
Sunday, November 3rd
Colin
It was the first Sunday in November and the weather was nice out and Sydney and I were outside on the patio. I was sitting on the lounger going through some work emails while Sydney was writing in her notebook. I had given her a notebook and told her I wanted her to try to write about her nightmares in it. She ended up catching me off guard though.
“Colin?”
“Yes, baby?”
“When will you start training me?”
I closed my laptop and set it to the side. I knew this was on her mind but I knew she still had more physical healing to do before we started with that. But I had promised her that I’d help train her. To be honest though, I wasn’t sure if she was ready and I wasn't sure if she knew the answers to the tough questions I needed to ask her. I at least owed her this conversation.
“Sydney, I told you that I’d work with you and I will. But I need to be sure you’re ready.”
“I’m ready. I will give it everything I have. I want this badly.”
I kept my eyes on hers and leaned forward. She had to understand that this wouldn’t be easy and that it’d be a difficult road. I motioned for her to come sit beside me and then I took hold of her hands and glanced down at her wrists. I had to choose my words carefully.
“Sydney, I want you to know and understand upfront that this isn’t going to be easy. There are going to be a lot of hard questions you’ll have to answer and you’ll be asked to do a lot of things that you may tell yourself that you simply can’t do. It’s my job to help you realize that you’re far more capable than what you give yourself credit for. In doing so, you’ll be pushed. You will have to trust your Dom to push your limits and know that you will be okay.”
She was still as she focused on me. I was pleased to see how much this meant to her and could clearly see how she was taking this very seriously. She nodded when I stopped speaking.
“You are obviously determined to find a “good Dom.” One that you’ll willingly submit to. Once you do that, it will satisfy and fulfill your need to please your Dom. Make no mistake, it will be hard and painful. When I say that it will be painful, I don’t mean that you’re going to be beaten and turned into a more frightened girl than you already are.”
She frowned and looked down at her feet and began pulling on her fingers that were resting under my hand. One of her many nervous habits. I gave her hand a little squeeze so she’d stop hurting her fingers.
“I’m not frightened of you,” she bravely said. There was no attitude with it, just her saying that I didn’t scare her.
While I was happy to hear that, I was very well aware of the fact that despite her not being afraid of me, there were things that I could say or do during training that would possibly scare her. The sooner she understood that, the better off we’d be. I explained that to her but she still had the look on her face that told me she was strong and resilient. As much as I didn’t want to prove her wrong, I had to. She had to know that during training there will be things that may trigger her fears unintentionally.
I stood up, undid my belt and slid it out of the loops. I stood in front of her and folded the belt in half and pulled the pieces in each hand, causing a loud snapping noise of leather hitting leather. With the belt in my hands, she no longer kept eye contact with me but had her sights solid on the belt. I set the belt down on the lounger next to her and then took my seat on the other side of her.
“Eyes.”
It took her a few seconds but she brought her eyes up to look in mine. I knew she wasn’t afraid of me but this served as a lesson that something could come up that would scare her.
“It’s only an object, Sydney. I know right now, you see that object as something painful and mean. It’s caused you pain before so you naturally associate pain and fear with it. I will help you through those fears. It won’t be instant, but we’ll work on it. But it’s a good example of a trigger. I need to be aware of things that might be triggers.”
She was quiet but nodded and kept her eyes on me.
“Sydney, this is going to be very different from what you've been used to. Submission is not about pain. It’s about you getting your mind to a place where it gives up control to a Dom. The right Dom will do things to your mind that you wish you had the strength to deny wanting. It’s exciting. What is it exactly that you want or that you are expecting from a good Dom.” I maintained eye contact with her.
“I want to be a better sub. If I could learn some etiquette and protocol then maybe I could find a better Dom. I want to find a good Dom because being controlled excites me. I want to please a Dom and know that I genuinely please
d him. It would make me feel good knowing that I actually made him happy. I think that lots of worry I associate with decision making with a Dom could be removed because I would trust him to make the best decisions for me and tell me exactly what he wants and expects. I think a good Dom would tell me exactly what is expected of me. Then I wouldn’t screw up because I’d know. There wouldn’t be anymore guessing. I don’t do a very good job of guessing and it gets me in trouble. Trouble hurts. Disappointments hurt. I’m tired of hurting and not understanding what I’m doing wrong.”
I studied her for a long minute. Many subs that I’ve worked with aren’t able to express what they want or why they need to be trained or worked with. Many don’t even understand it. They just know it's what their Dom wants or said they need. Sydney was able to convey her reasoning to me, though it was warped.
This bastard, Howard, that she was playing with took her interest in kink and showed her nothing about the BDSM lifestyle. He scared her and showed her that BDSM was just a cover for him abusing her. Even after he nearly killed her, she still has a deep-rooted interest in the lifestyle. Brave girl. Thankfully, she sent me that text and I can show her what this lifestyle is really all about. If she was brave enough to walk down this road with me, then I will gladly take the walk with her. We will work around the bandages and any speed bumps that come up.
“I’ll be right back.”
I went inside to my den and found a few of the documents that I have all the BDSM couples or subs that I work with complete. I found my basic “Yes/No/Maybe” list and my “Limits/Fears” list. I quickly skimmed over them and felt they were both appropriate and necessary. It would give me a clear place to start with. I still needed to talk to Matt though before I begin any training with her. I need to know about some physical limitations.
I sat back down next to her and could feel her eyes on me. I looked up at her and momentarily lost myself in her eyes. What is that all about? I’ve worked with many subs and I’ve never felt the pull to them that I feel with Sydney. I’ve known since day one, that Sydney was special and somehow I was drawn to her. I didn’t know or understand why exactly.
“Sydney, I give all the subs that I work with these few forms to fill out. You must be completely honest with your answers though. No sugar coating anything because I’ll be able to tell. It’s a list of some typical things surrounding BDSM play. You are to circle “yes” for anything you’d like to try or have tried, “no” for anything you are certain you don’t want to try or have tried but didn’t like and “maybe” for anything you’re at least curious about. The “Limits and Fears” page is for you to write down anything that comes to mind that you know without a doubt you won’t do or are afraid of. Keep in mind; the fear doesn’t necessarily need to be anything even related to BDSM, but just in general. I need to know these things. Read over them.”
I handed her the two papers and watched her read them from top to bottom. She pulled her bottom lip into her mouth as she read. She finished and looked up at me. There was a shade of pink shyness that had appeared on her cheeks that made me smile. There was something about her innocence that tugged on my heart yet I knew she had a kinky streak in there. I also knew that it hadn’t been brought to term. Howard prevented that from ever happening with him. But I was pretty sure that I’d be able to bring it out.
“I want you to complete these two forms today. Think about them. Ask me questions when they come up. But I’d like you to have them done by bedtime. That’s when I will take them and begin to look over your responses and work on our training.”
“Yes, Sir.”
Mmm. Hearing her address me as “sir” caused me to harden right there. I stayed on the lounger and watched her walk over to the patio table to begin her work on the two pages. I hadn’t even given her instructions on how to address me. She’s naturally respectful.
I told her I needed to go into my office for a while and make some phone calls but told her she’s to come get me if she feels ill or needs anything. I already knew that was an issue. Sydney doesn’t like asking for help or assistance. It took her lying in a pool of blood and inches from death before she sent me a text asking for help.
Sitting at my desk, I dialed Matt. When he answered I went over with him what Sydney and I talked about and how I thought we were ready to move forward with the training. Slowly. Very slowly.
“So the fragile kitten is ready to move forward, huh?”
“Yes and you know how serious I take this. What do I need to be on the lookout for regarding physical limitations?” There was a long pause and then a sigh.
“The obvious, Colin. You see where she’s been injured. You’ve been eating, breathing and sleeping with it for nearly two weeks now. I certainly would steer clear of anything binding. Kneeling is probably okay, but I’d watch the time on that.” There was another pause and I could tell he had something on his mind.
“Say it, Matt.”
“Col, you’ve been working with subs and bottoms for years. Many of them with injuries though not to the extent of Sydney’s. Never once have you called to ask me what you should or shouldn’t do. So why now? What are you worried about? This is your specialty. Why are you second guessing yourself?”
I leaned back in the chair and stared at the ceiling. I didn’t know why. He was right. I’ve never gone to him or Anthony for anything when it came to training and working with subs. But Sydney…she was different. She was so delicate and I didn’t want to cause more harm than help. Matt’s deep laughing brought me back to the conversation.
“I really care about her, Matt. I don’t want to over think something or not think of something and it turns out to damage her.”
“You’ve never struggled before. Colin, all kidding aside, what is it that you want to get out of the training experience?”
There was silence on the other end of the phone and I was struggling with my own feelings. But two things were clear to me without a shadow of doubt. One, I wanted Sydney to be safe, cared for and treated as the special person that she was. Two, I wanted to be a major part of her journey.
“I want her in a healthy and nurturing relationship with a Dom that will take care of her, push her, treat her well and make her feel safe. And I want for her to give that Dom everything she has to give him. I want her happy and I want the same for her that you would ever want for Gina.”
The phone line was quiet but I knew he was still there. When he spoke, his tone was softer.
“You know, in all the years you’ve been doing this, I can’t recall a sub you’ve had such specific, detailed, hopes and aspirations for. I know you’ve wanted them all happy. But Sydney has quickly pulled something very detailed from you before you’ve even started. Which, I find very interesting. So, let me ask you again. What is it that you want?”
Shit. I stared down at my feet and thought. It wasn’t hard to convey what I wanted.
“I want her with a good man, Matt. We know lots of good Doms from Irons and many of them are looking. Evan and Seth both are interested. They’d be good to her.”
“Seth and Evan would be good to her. Provided that the chemistry is there.” I would have been fine with him ending it right there but then he dropped the million-dollar question. The one I wanted so badly to have an answer for but was terrified to ask it. “What about Anthony?”
I laughed. God, how I wished that would happen. Anthony has said over and over though that he’s not interested in a sub of his own. He likes the distance and privacy of playing with different subs and just keeping it in Irons.
“You and I both know that he isn’t interested in that.”
“Have you been blind, Colin? He has bent over backwards for her. Sydney trusts him and leans on him. Before she reaches for him, it’s like he senses her need and is there for her. Oh yeah, and this chemistry thing you talk about, if they had more chemistry, they’d combust.”
“Matt, if I had one wish to come true for Sydney, it’d be for her to be with Anthony. I’d k
now for damn sure that she’d have everything that I wanted for her and that she’d need. And then some.”
We talked more about Sydney and I told Matt that I’d talk to Anthony about helping me with her training. Sydney is going to have times where she’s scared, frustrated, full of questions and uncertainty. I want Anthony to be her sounding board. He’s the best Dom I know and I believe that he truly cares for her. I trust him to help answer her questions and deal with her fears.
Matt, Gina and Anthony were all coming over in a while for the 49ers game. While I was looking forward to the game and my friends, I was more excited over Gina coming over so she and Sydney could socialize. I sent Anthony a text and asked him if he could come over a little early because I had something I wanted to talk to him about.
AG: Yep. Is fragile kitten ok?
CE: She’s fine. Sitting on the patio.
He always asks about her. I hoped he’d be receptive to the idea of helping out with her training. Sydney came inside and she helped me get the munchies ready for the game. I was also having pizza and wings set to be delivered around the time Matt and Gina were going to get here.
Anthony arrived and walked into the kitchen and immediately went over to Sydney with a smile. He kissed her cheek and asked her how she was feeling and felt her forehead.
“I’m good, thanks for asking.”
He winked at her and she went back to carrying out chips and munchie mix out to the great room. When she left the room, he pulled out a small bag of M&M’s from the bag he brought and set it on the island for her. Attached to the wrapper was a post it note with a sun that he had drawn. I looked at him and couldn’t help but smile. He gave me his sideways smile and flipped me off.
“Lets go to my den to talk.”
He nodded and followed me down the hall. I shut the door and he sat in one of the leather chairs opposite my desk.
“Sydney asked me about training her again today. We talked some and I gave her the “Yes/No/Maybe” list and the “Limits/Fears” lists. She’s been working on them all afternoon. She really wants this.”