by Kendall Ryan
Chapter Sixteen
McKenna
With my heart slamming into my ribs, I climbed the stairs to Knox’s room, thinking about the first time I’d come here. Just like I could feel his gaze on me then, I could feel it now. Only this time, I knew what his hands felt like on my skin, what his hot mouth felt like moving against mine.
When I reached his bedroom, I wanted to be brave, to show him what I wanted, since I knew I wouldn’t have the guts to tell him how I felt. Instead, I stopped awkwardly in the center of the room and stared at the big bed.
From behind me, Knox’s warm hand came to rest on my shoulder. The heat from his body licked mine, warming me from head to toe. “Relax,” he breathed behind my ear.
As if on command, my body instantly relaxed. This was Knox. He might have his issues, but he’d never hurt me. I opened my mouth to tell him I was fine, but let out a huge yawn instead. Oops. It seemed my body suddenly remembered the late hour.
“You’re tired.” Knox chuckled, coming around to face me.
I nodded. “I’m sleepy.”
“Go lay down on my bed. I’m going to take a quick shower.”
I obeyed, toeing off my shoes and padding across the room in my socks to crawl into his big bed. I pulled the covers around me and snuggled against his pillow. Mmm. That scent I’d come to love—sandalwood, leather, and male deliciousness—greeted me.
Sometime later, Knox crawled into bed beside me and I opened my eyes to watch him in the pale moonlight position himself on the pillow. He met my gaze and grinned. “Did I wake you?”
I nodded. “I dozed off waiting for you.”
“It’s okay. You can rest, sleepy girl. You’re safe.”
I did feel safe with him. Even the other night, things had only gone as far as I’d wanted them to. In fact, Knox had been somewhat reluctant, leaving me in the shower alone and dressing in the other room. Not that I’d had to convince him too much. His body had responded to the intensity between us just like mine had. His erection had been impossible not to notice. I hadn’t been brave enough to touch him, even though I’d wanted to. In fact, it was all I’d thought about while lying in bed this week.
Knox was still watching me. He hadn’t yet touched me, but he didn’t have to. I could feel the heat from his body as his hot breath warmed a path across my skin. I nestled myself closer and he opened his arms for me, embracing me securely against his body.
“Knox?”
“Hmm?”
Losing my courage, I shrugged. “I’m not tired anymore.” I wanted to ask him about his recovery, if he’d been abstaining from sex, but I knew I wasn’t brave enough to hear the answer.
“What do you want?” He groaned, breathless.
Part of me couldn’t believe I’d found myself in his bed again, tempting him. I shouldn’t be here, even if it was exactly where I wanted to be. I didn’t even know where he stood with his recovery. He kept that information closely guarded.
“Never mind. Maybe we should just sleep,” I said, even though it was the last thing I wanted.
“You see, there’s this girl who’s making it a little hard at the moment.”
When he emphasized the word hard, I giggled. “Knox?” I asked again.
“Yeah?”
I took a deep breath, drawing my courage. “How have you been doing with your addiction?”
He paused for several seconds, a long, awkward silence hanging between us. “I’ve cut back.”
My stomach tightened into a knot. “Why don’t you just stop?”
“Where’s the fun in that?” he teased, poking me in the ribs underneath the covers.
“Recovering from an addiction isn’t supposed to be fun.” I arranged the blankets around me, feeling the sudden need to create a barrier between us.
“Who says I have an addiction? Maybe I just hang out with you on Saturday mornings because I want to.”
“Your counselor, that’s me, says you do, and I bet your brothers too if we asked them.”
“McKenna…”
His tone held a warning, but I pressed on. “What, Knox?”
“I do what I need to do. Are you offering up your services?”
My breathing pattern changed. It was like my body forgot the simple process of drawing in air and releasing it back out. “I’m serious. I’m here, Knox. I believe in you, but…”
I swallowed down a lump in my throat. I couldn’t take it to know he was still the same man he was before we met. I’d shared pieces of myself with him, made myself completely vulnerable, and I needed to know he was meeting me halfway.
“Listen, I’m not saying I’m a hundred percent, or that I’ll never slip up, but I have been trying, McKenna.”
My heart crashed violently against my ribs. It wasn’t a promise, it wasn’t any sort of guarantee, but nothing with him ever would be. I had to decide if I could accept that. My head said no, but my lonely heart was willing to try. I rolled closer, needing to feel the shelter his warm body provided.
Knox was trying. It might not be much, but knowing I’d inspired change in him meant everything. It meant maybe I was doing something right, that my hard work was beginning to pay off. As I lay there with him, warm and secure, I never wanted this moment to end. The vulnerability he showed me, his belief that things would turn out okay, it was all so fragile, but it was all I had.
Wrapping his arm around my middle to snuggle me in closer, his big palm came to a rest on my exposed hip, sending a tiny thrill zipping through me. My entire body buzzed with awareness. I wanted to pretend he was mine, that this was all normal—me and him alone in his bed. I wanted to touch him. We were so close, I could feel the heat from his skin and smell his scent—a combination of body wash and a slight hint of mint toothpaste. The urge to nuzzle into his neck and feel the stubble from his jaw scrape my skin rose up inside me. Instead I remained rooted in place, my breathing growing shallow and rapid as desire for him raced through my system.
I would never be able to sleep in this state. My heart slammed against my ribs, nearly knocking the breath from my lungs. “There’s something I want to try.”
“What’s that?” he asked, his voice strained.
“Do you think I could…touch you?”
He swallowed heavily, his Adam’s apple moving in the dim light. “You want to touch me?”
I knew this was hard for him—being physical without having sex—but maybe it was good for him too. Like stretching before a workout, he had to develop these muscles if he wanted to grow stronger, if he wanted to heal.
“Would that be bad?” I bit my lip, sort of liking the idea of being naughty after being good for so long. I wanted to feel his warmth, to make sure what I felt blooming inside me was real. That he was real.
“I’m pretty sure that would be really bad. One touch from you and I’d probably embarrass myself.”
I pouted, though I was almost positive he couldn’t see my expression. “What do you mean?”
He drew a breath and released it slowly through clenched teeth. “You have no idea how badly I want you. You’re beautiful, smart, talented, kind, and good to your very core. Touching me will only taint you, as bad as I might want it.”
He wouldn’t decide this for me. Knox was a good man, despite his history. I placed my palm flat on his bare abs and felt him tense. “Will you show me?”
“Show you?”
“What you like,” I said, recovering. I didn’t want him to know how inexperienced I really was.
“Fuck,” he bit out. “McKenna, we shouldn’t do this.”
My hand curled into a fist, retracting away from him. “Do you not want to?”
He cursed again. “Trust me, that’s not it. You get my dick so hard, but it’s more than that. You’re more than that.”
My heart soared. Hearing him acknowledge that I was something special to him did strange things to me. And the fact that I turned him on despite my lack of knowledge…it made my heart pound like a drum and my panties grow damp.
&n
bsp; Uncurling my fingers, I flattened my palm against his stomach and again felt his jerky inhale. I let my hand begin to trail south. A dusting of fine hairs tickled my palm as I lightly caressed him. When I reached the waistband of his boxer briefs, Knox sucked in a breath and held it. Not yet brave enough to feel him skin to skin, I brushed my hand against his erection and warmth flooded my panties.
I rubbed the length of his manhood as my heart thundered in my chest. My confidence growing, I rubbed him up and down, feeling bold and powerful. He felt thick and long, and I wanted to see him.
“Kenna…” He groaned, sending a little rush of tingles skittering out over my skin.
As my endorphins kicked in, my inexperience no longer mattered. I felt alive, and I wanted this—to touch this beautiful, broken man, to be part of making him whole again.
My fingers edged into the waistband of his boxers and Knox lifted his hips slightly off the mattress, allowing me to pull them down and free his heavy cock.
Under the faintest glow of moonlight, I admired his body—his strength, masculinity, and the tender way he was watching me. He was making himself vulnerable to me, letting me take control and do things at my own pace. The emotional weight of the moment left me breathless. But then my gaze lowered and my breath caught in my throat. He was huge.
Curling my hand around him, I was surprised to feel how soft and smooth the skin was despite being rock hard and turgid beneath my grasp. As I ran my fingertips up and down the length of him, Knox let out a breathy groan. My core clenched. The idea of him filling me left me warm and achy. My palm slid lightly against him, gently massaging and caressing his considerable length as I savored the feel of him. Lightly rubbing smooth, hot flesh, I watched in fascination as he grew even harder.
Knox wrapped his hand over mine, increasing the pressure of my grip. “Like this.” Our hands moving together, he dictated the pace of our movements until I was rhythmically stroking him from base to tip.
He released a shuddering breath and his head fell back against the pillow. “Fuck, your hand feels good.”
My pace increased as I watched Knox’s reactions. His warm breath puffed past his lips, his abs tensed, and his hand found my free one, intertwining our fingers. He pressed his palm to mine like he was sinking and I had the power to pull him back to safety. He gripped my hand and his dark gaze met mine. He communicated so much with that one look.
Emotion burned inside me. I was discovering him, but this moment meant more than that. We were healing each other in these little moments built on shared trust.
“Shit, I’m going to—” His teeth bit into his lower lip as his body went rigid. He growled my name as he came, milky-white fluid landing on his belly.
While our breathing slowed, Knox reached over the side of the bed for a box of tissues on the floor. He wiped my hand and his belly before curling his arms around me, caging me in. I melted into his embrace, loving the feel of his strong arms. He could hold me hostage in his bed anytime.
“Sorry about the mess,” he apologized, whispering near my ear.
“I didn’t mind.” Watching Knox come apart and hearing his low husky voice growl my name had been worth it.
Meeting my eyes with an intense, passion-filled stare, he leaned closer, resting his forehead against mine. “You didn’t have to do that.”
I knew that. I’d wanted to. “Was it…okay?”
“That was fucking amazing.” He pressed his lips softly to mine in a lingering kiss. “I like you in my bed,” he whispered.
His admission meant the world to me. I kissed him back, my movements slow and deliberate, like every touch mattered.
During quiet times like this, I loved how open and exposed he made himself to me. I knew it was a side of himself he didn’t share with anyone else, and that feeling was addicting.
Chapter Seventeen
McKenna
Last night had been the most incredible experience of my life. I had slept soundly in Knox’s arms all through the night. I smiled remembering our whispered conversation, and the way my heartbeat had thrummed so violently in my chest when I’d touched him. He was beautiful, and he wasn’t broken like he thought.
Then this morning was back to reality. We’d kissed good-bye early this morning. I wanted to go home to shower and change, and most importantly to arrive at our meeting separately. Even if I was breaking all the rules with Knox behind closed doors, I certainly wouldn’t broadcast it in public.
I sat at my little wooden desk at the front of the room, having arrived several minutes early, unable to stop myself from daydreaming about him. The more time I spent with Knox, the less I noticed that hollow ache inside me. I sang in the shower, hummed when I cleaned the dishes, and felt lighter just knowing he was in my life.
But then I realized something even more terrifying than going back to my pre-Knox state. I was falling in love with him. With a deliciously flawed man I was supposed to be helping heal from sexual addiction.
Casting logic aside, I knew this was a dangerous game, and if I played I’d likely be burned. But falling for him hadn’t been a choice. He wasn’t just that haunted, intense man I’d glimpsed at first. He was different around his brothers, lighter, laughed easier, smiled that big smile that showed off his dimple. I liked that version of Knox. And I liked the version of myself when I was with him. I wasn’t the broken shell of a girl I felt like most days. I felt vibrant and pretty and alive.
I wondered if my attraction to him was that our souls shared the same pain and loss. They could feel each other. When we were together I didn’t feel any pain or guilt. I wondered if it was the same for him.
When he entered the room, my heart’s rhythm changed, became erratic. His eyes met mine and while his face remained expressionless, I read the indecision, the confusion on him as clear as day. Did he feel guilty about what happened between us last night? It had been my idea to touch him, to push things further, and as much as I’d enjoyed it at the time, now I felt unsure and guilty.
Amanda patted the seat next to her, one that she’d clearly been saving just for him, and Knox crossed the room toward her.
Watching him and Amanda converse quietly, my stomach tightened and I felt hot. I was warm and flustered, and now I needed to start group.
I sat down in my seat and began the lecture I’d prepared. “Today we’ll be working on openness and honesty with each other. We’ve been meeting for several weeks now, and it’s time we progressed as a group. I’m going to ask each member of the group to share their progress, and this includes admitting to any slipups in a judgment-free, guilt-free environment. We’re all human, and it’s here that we don’t have to hide.”
I consulted the notebook on my lap to be sure I’d touched on all the key points I’d written out for myself. Knox watched me closely, his expression guarded and unsure. Guilt clawed at my stomach. I’d orchestrated today’s entire conversation to flush out what he was too afraid to tell me. I needed to know.
I asked each member of the group to share how many days since their last sexual encounter. As each person spoke and Knox’s turn got closer, my stomach coiled tight and nervous energy shot through my veins. Something was about to happen.
It was Amanda’s turn next, so I forced my eyes from Knox, trying to be a good group leader and listen as she spoke. “I’ve been struggling with a lot of change in my life lately, and I’m not proud of it, but I slipped up last weekend. It’s been one week of celibacy now for me.”
I nodded and gave her a tender smile, and then my eyes swung back over to Knox.
“Same here. One week,” he choked out.
Several things struck me at once and my brain fought to catch up. He wasn’t counting our time together last night, probably because it hadn’t led to sex, and his length of abstinence matched Amanda’s perfectly. They’d exchanged phone numbers one week ago at the end of group and…what? Met up for sex that day? My body broke out in a cold sweat and my heartbeat rang in my ears.
With
my windpipe threatening to close and tears shimmering in my eyes, I jumped from my seat and fled the room. I ran blindly down the hall, tears burning my vision and a rock-solid lump in my chest. It would have been one thing for him to drunkenly mess up with a stranger before we started really seeing each other, but planning a sex date with a member of our group?
I heard my name being called behind me and pushed my legs faster. I couldn’t have anyone see me break down like this. I felt betrayed and humiliated. Why had I ever thought I could do this? Change this man and have something meaningful. I was an idiot. I’d been living in the fantasy of it. Being near Knox had made me feel better about my own life, but all of that had just come crashing to a close.
“McKenna! Stop!” Knox called behind me, closer this time.
I gripped the door handle to the stairwell, threw it open, and ran down two flights of stairs before I collapsed in a heap. I couldn’t breathe, could only feel my heart clenching and dying inside my chest. I huddled against the wall, sobbing uncontrollably while tears and snot streaked my face.
Knox sank to his knees in front of me. “McKenna?”
I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand and drew a short, shuddering breath. “When were you last with someone, Knox?”
“Other than you?” he asked, his brows pinched together as though he was the one angry about something.
I nodded.
He released a deep sigh and looked down. A thick, uncomfortable silence settled between us. My heart slammed against my ribs and with each second of his silence, my doubts only grew.
“She’s pregnant, you know.”
His eyes snapped up to mine. “Who?”
“Amanda,” I croaked.
He didn’t respond at first. He just sat there, silently blinking at me. “I know.”
If he was still doing what he used to, I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t move past it. Selfishly, I needed all of him. I needed him to be stronger because I most certainly was not strong enough for this. He was breaking me apart and I didn’t even think he knew it.
“I thought I could do this. I thought I was strong enough, but I’m not. Not at all.” A hiccup escaped my throat as I realized everything I’d be losing. Instead of constantly beating myself up, I’d focused on fixing Knox. And now I had no idea what good that had done me or where we stood.