by Kris Calvert
“The man you were eating diner with?”
“Yes! I was in the corner at a table with him. Mike!”
I tried to wiggle free from Burt but he wasn’t letting me go. “C’mon, let’s get you over to an EMT. You got knocked off your feet and hit your head pretty hard.”
“We can’t just let him burn,” I sobbed.
“Indie,” he said, squaring my shoulders calmly as the rain came harder and faster. “I saw you eating at your table. You were alone.”
SIX
I threw my messenger bag and the soaked brown bag that still had my dinner onto the dining room table. I began taking my wet clothes off the moment I opened the door. Stripping naked, I tossed the soppy heap in the front room of my tiny house and walked straight to the bathroom. Turning on the hot water, I didn’t wait for the frigid flow to turn warm before plugging the drain with the black stopper. I grabbed a towel off the rack and wrapped my body as I waited for the old tub to fill. I was cold and shivering and couldn’t decide if it was from the rain or if I was just completely freaked out. Two nights ago I found water in the tub—or did I? Tonight I ate dinner with a man that wasn’t there. Or was he? I looked at the tub as it filled with water and thought of my brother. It was hard to relax in the place where he killed himself, and yet I had no choice but to stay in the house. I couldn’t afford to leave.
I dropped the towel and stepped into the warm water. The chill that had gone deep to my bones began to subside. I closed my eyes and waited for the water to cover my entire body before turning the old lever handles off with my feet. It was incredibly quiet. Even the storm had subsided and I closed my mind off to everything around me.
I recounted the past couple of days. Was I losing my mind? Mike was real. He touched me and I felt it. The water in the tub two nights ago was real. I even remember the icy tingle I felt when I pulled the plug. I had to keep my wits about me. I couldn’t afford to go down the road that something was wrong in my head.
I thought about calling Dr. Nabi and just coming clean, but I realized if I told him about seeing Spirit or Mike right on the heels of the tub incident and my frequent nightmares of Jacob what I’d get wouldn’t be advice—it would be a shot of Thorazine and a weekend pass at the psych ward.
I took a deep breath and slid my entire body under the water. The deeper solitude under the seemingly soundproof barrier made me relax a bit more. I held my breath as long as I could and as I released a small bubble of air from my mouth I opened my eyes. Staring at me through the still water was the face of Lewis Thornbury.
I shot up with a gasp and grabbed the sides of the tub only to find I was alone in the bathroom. Wiping my eyes I looked around me, coughing up the water I’d brought into my lungs. I jumped from the tub and wrapped the robe around my shivering body as I slid on the thin layer of water that now covered the tile floor and slammed into the door. Fumbling with the knob I made my way, cinching the waist of the robe as tight as I could. I walked through the house, my heart thumping wildly in my chest. It was quiet. Going from room to room in the tiny house didn’t take long, but I turned on a light in each area and checked all the windows and doors to make sure I was locked in. I realized I was in fact alone. I knew I was alone. What I didn’t know is if I was sane.
The sky was a beautiful gold and pink as the sun began to dip into the horizon behind my favorite tree in the park. I turned around and there he was, just as I knew he would be. Mike.
I nearly skipped to him I was so filled with delight and joy. Just to see his face made me feel secure. Whole. My yellow sundress flowed around me as the Southern evening breeze picked up. I threw my arms around his neck. “Where’ve you been? I was worried about you.”
“I’ve been right here. Always,” he replied with a smile as he pulled my body close to his. His strong arms were like steel around my ribcage—an impervious barrier between me and the rest of the world.
I pulled away and stared into his blue eyes. He wrangled me in emotionally and physically. I was caught—hook, line and sinker.
“Don’t leave me. Promise?” I begged him with my eyes and words.
“I don’t make promises,” he said as he studied my face and pulled me close to his warm body.
“Why?” I snuggled my head into his hard chest. I never wanted to let go.
“I don’t need to.”
“Everyone makes promises. It’s just some people can’t keep them. They don’t know how. But I want you to promise.”
“Indie. I’m here.”
“Good. I never want to be without you.”
He pulled a leather cord from his pocket. The golden charm attached to the bottom glimmered in the sunshine and the glare caught my eyes and caused me to squint. As I began to question what it was he leaned away from my body and slipped it over my head. “You’re never without me.”
As he kissed my head I couldn’t help but smile. I’d never felt so loved. “When I’m with you I feel crazy-happy. Why don’t you smile at me? Why don’t you laugh at my jokes?”
“I do.”
“That’s not true.”
“I’m laughing on the inside,” he replied as he pulled me away and grinned. “You know what you have to do, Indie.”
“I do?” I asked as I dropped my head back into the center of his chest. When he didn’t respond I lifted myself to my tiptoes and tilted back my head as he moved into me. Our lips met and my body nearly buckled from the wave of pleasure. I absorbed his drugging nectar as my lips, pulsing with the inflow of warm blood, grazed across his beautiful mouth. I surrendered to the feeling and let go of all the pain I’d kept so close to my heart.
He pulled away and stroked the hair from my face.
“What is it that you do to me? I feel such love when I’m with you.”
He smiled and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes tightly as white light shot through my mind. I was completely at peace.
Somewhere in the distance I heard the faint sound of what was clearly my name. I didn’t want to let go of the moment. The white light that enveloped me was cozy, like a warm blanket straight from the dryer on a frigid day. The calling of my name rang in my ears and I opened my eyes.
I was still in my robe—my body wrapped around my pillow as I lay across the bed. My phone rang faintly in the other room. I jumped, the cool hardwood under my feet bringing me back from my slumber.
I fumbled with my phone, nearly dropping it. “This is Indie.”
“I’m sorry to bother you in the middle of the night, Indie.”
“No, no of course.”
“It’s Ellie. Her blood pressure is dropping and I think–”
“You don’t have to say another word. I’m on my way.”
I hung up and began to search the bedroom for sweats to quickly dress and get to Ellie Simpson’s home. The eight-year-old girl had been doing better and I hoped she was just having an episode because of medication changes. One sports bra, one t-shirt and a pair of baggy sweats later I was out the door. I’d grabbed my tennis shoes, a jacket and bag on the way, praying the car would start on the first try. I wasn’t disappointed.
I drove like a bat out of hell and tried to shake the dream from my head. Being held in Mike’s arms was so real to me—as real as any other tangible memory I’d ever had. I raced onto the interstate to make it to Ellie, who lived one town over. The night was as dark as I’d ever seen. There wasn’t a star to be had and the light from my headlights wasn’t adequate. I hesitated at every shadow and slowed down at every turn. I hated myself for not putting the hammer down in order to get to my young patient faster.
As I turned into the Simpson’s driveway I saw that every light in the house was on. It wasn’t a good sign.
Ellie’s mother was waiting for me at the door. No doubt she’d heard my car sputter to an end after I turned off the ignition. “I don’t know, Indie. I just don’t know,” she said as tears rolled down her cheeks.
I could see the fear in her eyes. Her tiny daughter lay in t
he other room holding on, the leukemia taking every last bit of life from her. I hurried in and found Ellie’s breathing to be shallow. Immediately taking her blood pressure myself, I feared her mother was correct to be afraid. Ellie Simpson was slipping away.
“Ellie?” I said to her as I put my face close to hers making sure she knew I was present. “Ellie?”
The tiny redheaded girl opened her eyes for a brief moment and gave me a smile. I knew. She knew.
Her mother quickly took her daughter’s hand and as I looked through the three ring binder that served as our ongoing chart a warm glow came into the room. It was no doubt Spirit but I didn’t look away from the little girl who’d captured my heart four months ago and currently wouldn’t leave my gaze.
I took her hand and gave it a squeeze, letting her know it was okay to go. It was okay to follow the light. But she didn’t look past me at the Spirit I knew was in the room. I looked to her mother who wanted reassurance that Ellie wasn’t dying.
“What is it, Indie?” her mother asked. “What’s wrong?”
My face must’ve have given me away. “Nothing.” I pulled up a chair next to Ellie and sat, not wanting to let go of her hand. But as her father stepped into the room, I knew my place wasn’t at her bedside and I immediately relinquished my spot so that he could spend the last moments of his daughter’s life holding onto her precious earthly body.
Stepping away, I took in the entire room and for the first time ever began to look for Spirit. The warm glow and loving feeling was all around, but there was no Spirit present. I checked her vital signs again and made sure she wasn’t in pain.
“How’s her pressure?” her mother asked.
“It’s low,” I confessed. “And her breathing is shallow but her heartbeat is still strong.”
I stood in the back of the room and glanced at the clock on the wall. It was four in the morning, the darkest part of the night. The glow of the room remained and I stayed ever vigilant waiting for Spirit to arrive.
Ellie’s mom read her favorite book to her as her father found a soft brush and began to stroke the few strands of ginger hair left intact from the chemotherapy. It was one of the most beautiful gestures I’d ever witnessed. As she read The Velveteen Rabbit aloud, he calmly continued to brush her hair.
“‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.’”
As dawn approached I felt the warm glow intensify and as the sunlight hit the window to Ellie’s room, so did Spirit.
“No,” Ellie said as she reached toward the end of the bed.
I furrowed my brow as I stepped closer to her. As Ellie’s breathing became more labored she focused her attention on the corner of her room—a distressed look on her face.
And then I saw it too. A dark presence hung near the ceiling—waiting.
I heard the call of a female voice leading the barrage of Spirit into the young girl’s room that now was as bright as a football stadium on a Friday night. I’d never seen so much Spirit in one place. Were they all here for Ellie?
As I felt the warmth envelope my entire being, the dark presence seemed to dissipate.
The positive energy in the room was overwhelming. To Ellie’s parents dawn had barely broken through the new day, but in their daughter’s room a congregation of Spirit was lighting up the universe.
I wondered immediately if Ellie felt it. She opened her eyes briefly and smiled at her dad, then closed them for the final time.
It happened slowly and then all at once the light faded, leaving the room a pale pink. I waited in the back of the room, as her parents knew without asking that Ellie had crossed.
I wanted to hug them. I felt the urge to tell them, she’s not gone. But I knew it wasn’t my place. They would have to come to terms with it in their own time and in their own way. It wouldn’t be fair to dump what I knew of the afterlife on them. The human soul wasn’t made for it.
Ellie’s mom looked at me and nodded. I gave her the best smile I could muster. Ellie had moved on to a higher realm, free from the confines of her earthly life.
I sat in the kitchen with the Simpsons as we went over the plans made months ago. They were distraught and yet seemed calm. They were, I knew, in shock. It would take years to come to terms with everything that had transpired in the past three hours. Even I was trying to make sense of what happened. Never before had I witnessed a dark presence—ever. The fact that it showed itself at the deathbed of a small child was even more unsettling. It was times like this I missed Grandma Indie more than ever. She would have been able to explain it all to me.
“Thank you for everything, Indie.”
“I just wish there had been something more that I could’ve done—that medicine could’ve have done.”
“Indie, you alone were a blessing.”
“Thank you,” I replied, looking down at my folder. I didn’t like thinking I was anything close to a blessing—I felt more like the Grim Reaper and I wasn’t so sure he’d not shown up today. Everywhere I went it was death, death and more death. “It’s been my privilege to care for your daughter.”
“Ellie really loved you. She looked forward to your visits. She said she always felt better when you were with her.”
“That’s sweet. She brightened my day too.”
“I want to show you something.”
I stood as she left the room and began to gather up my things. The funeral home had taken Ellie’s body and it was time for her family to begin their very personal grieving process. I wanted to be out of the way.
“Here,” she said as she passed me the crayon drawing.
The colored-in stick figures showed Ellie holding my hand—my long dark hair and her long red hair flowing in the breeze. She gave herself blue eyes and mine were bright purple. Standing in a field of red flowers we smiled. Tears welled in my eyes and I did my best to hold in my emotion. “It’s beautiful.”
“She said she wanted to make sure she got it just right. Hair, your eyes and your hand necklace.”
“What?” I asked as I brushed a tear from my cheek.
“Necklace. The one that’s shaped like a hand.”
“But I don’t wear–” I stopped in my tracks as I felt the leather cord around my neck with a golden charm attached at the bottom. “I…”
“I’m not ready to part with the drawing just yet, Indie. I’m sure you understand. But someday I’ll make sure you have it.”
“Yes,” I stuttered. “Thank you. Be sure to let the office know about all the arrangements. I’d like to be there.”
“Ellie would’ve liked that.”
I turned and walked frantically out the front door to my car, clutching the charm in my hand trying my best to remain calm. I opened the car door and slid in, immediately jerking the rear view mirror toward me so I could see what I was feeling. There it was, a small ornate golden charm in the shape of a hand hanging from a thin leather cord.
I needed to calm down and as the sun hit high noon in the sky, I knew what I had to do. I pulled out of the driveway, found my phone and dialed.
“Doctor Nabi? It’s Indie.” I could hear the panic in my own trembling voice. “I need…”
“Indie? What’s going on?”
“I need to speak with you. Can I come by your office today?”
“I’m at Presbyterian. Come to the ER. Have them page me when you arrive.”
“Okay.” My voice shook as I tried to think of which way to turn to get to the hospital.
“Indie?” he asked. “Tell me you’re meeting me in the ER. Say the words.”
“I’m meeting you in the ER,” I re
peated.
“See you soon.”
SEVEN
I tore through the parking lot as I swiped my nurse’s badge and pulled into the employee section. I wasn’t an employee of Presbyterian, but because The Path had patients coming from hospitals all over we had easy access. I parked, took a deep breath and looked at the necklace again in the mirror—making sure it was still there and not another figment of my imagination.
The doors to the emergency room opened and I walked to the desk to ask for Dr. Nabi. They were expecting me. “Indie Luce?” the perky girl asked with a smile.
I could barely muster up a word. I looked like I felt—hell, and I was finding it hard to take her cheerful nature. “Yes.”
“Are you looking for Dr. Nabi?”
“Yes.”
“He said for you to go to the ward. He’s signing some charts and can speak with you there. Third floor.”
I nodded and walked away. I knew the ward she was referring to was the psych unit. I’d never been there but anyone who’d graduated nursing school knew it was an interesting place.
The elevator chimed and I thought of my meeting with Lewis Thornbury. I caught my breath, recalling the night before. A cold chill ran through my body and I did my best to shake off the crazy.
As I stepped onto the third floor I took an immediate right and found the locked doors of the unhinged from reality. Far from what they portray in the movies, the psych unit isn’t a scary place to go—unless they don’t want you to leave. I rolled that thought around in my head as I pushed the buzzer and calmed myself. If I acted crazy to Dr. Nabi he’d surely think that I was.
“Yes?” a voice asked through the intercom.
“I’m Indie Luce.” I held up my badge from The Path in front of the camera so that he would know I wasn’t a visitor coming at the wrong time. “Dr. Nabi asked for me to come up.”
The loud buzz rang out and I opened the solid door with the tiny window at the top and stepped onto the ward. I gave the orderly at the desk an exasperated look as if to say point me in the right direction.