Friday came around and Lucy was asked to spend the night at her friend Sarah’s place on Saturday.
I wasn’t totally convinced, but it was a birthday party and Addy’s daughter would be there too. I knew the family was okay, but it still made me feel a little unsettled to leave her with people. The Girl Guide’s camp out had felt different for some reason.
“Sarah has an iPad,” Lucy said on our way to pick out a present. “Maybe we could get her something for that?”
“I don’t really know what we could get for an iPad,” I said. We pulled up to the one department store in our little town. “Does she like Barbies?”
Lucy rolled her eyes dramatically and said, “Nobody like Barbies anymore, mom.”
We walked into the store and headed right for the toy section. There wasn’t a lot but Lucy had to pick up and inspect almost everything they had. It hurt me a little that we’d had to leave her things back home when we’d fled.
I picked up a fluffy plush fox and had a pang of grief thinking of the one we’d left behind. It had been the one thing I’d purchased on my own, saving nickels and dimes until I picked it up one day while getting groceries.
Rolland had been so angry about it; he’d accused me of cheating on him and earning the money on my back. He’d almost destroyed it that night until I’d distracted him with something sexy and gotten his mind off his anger.
I remembered how Lucy had curled up with her plush fox every night for about a year until one day it was gone.
I never did ask Rolland about it, I knew if I did I would be in big trouble. By then I’d realized I had to learn to let things go. Lucy had learned too, and had been too scared to ask what had happened to her little fox.
I stroked the fur of the fox and watched Lucy holding two different toys looking from one to the next.
I set the fox down and realized it was time to let it go again, to move on from that old life and embrace this new one that we were building here.
“What have you got?” I asked her and walked to where she was in deep contemplation over them.
“I don’t know if she would like this one or that one,” she said slowly. She was holding an art set and a pink Disney princess doll.
“How about the art supplies?” I asked. “We could go pick out some paper and more pens.”
“Okay,” Lucy said, “I don’t even know if she likes princesses anymore. The art stuff is a better bet.”
“Sounds good,” I said and wandered through the store with her as we picked out the rest of the present, the gift bag and card.
I swore to myself that I wasn’t going to panic when we got the total, but I did discreetly put my chocolate bar back when I saw how much it was.
I knew my kid-free night would be spent at home; there was no way I had any extra money to spend on myself.
Sometimes being a single mom was damn tough.
Lucy’s happiness when we got home was more than worth it though. She carefully wrote her name on the card and packaged the present slowly until it was totally perfect.
She was adorable, and even though being a single mom was rough, it was worth it at moments like that. Time spent with Lucy when she was giggling and fooling around, telling silly jokes and completely free made my whole decision to leave Rolland the right one.
I’d do anything for my daughter, even if it meant giving up a chocolate bar and a night out...even if it meant keeping Caleb Harder as a friend and not risking my heart and hers on his words of warning.
She was worth it and I was worth it...
But part of me couldn’t help but think that Caleb was worth it too.
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My Stepbrother's Baby Page 8