“What if I stay here, cling to him and the blindness never goes away?” Allison’s words hung in the air, thick and heavy with despair.
Before Shelly could reply, the sound of the front door opening drifted into the kitchen. Allison knew the exact moment Jesse stepped into the kitchen.
She smelled him, the wonderful scent that had come to represent passion and protection, safety and security. She also felt his presence, as if by merely stepping into the room he had filled it with a hot energy.
“Hey, boss,” Shelly greeted him as she stood from the table. “Anything new?”
“Not a thing,” Jesse replied. He sat in the chair Shelly had vacated, a palpable tension radiating from him. Allison wondered what was going on with him.
“Well, I guess I’ll take off,” Shelly said. “Allison, think about what we talked about. I’ll call you later.”
“What was that all about?” Jesse asked when she’d left.
“Oh, nothing. Just girl talk,” Allison replied. “What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Nothing,” he said, but the tension in his voice told her otherwise.
“Jesse, something is wrong. I can hear it in your voice. Has something broken loose on the Casanova case?”
“I wish,” he replied. “We’re at a dead end. No leads, no clues to follow, nothing. The worst thing is we need to wait for him to commit his crimes again and hope he’ll get sloppy.”
The need to reach out and touch him, grab his hand and offer comfort was enormous, but Allison fought the impulse. After tomorrow she wouldn’t be here to offer him anything, not a comforting touch or a warm embrace. In the morning Kent Keller would arrive to take her out of Jesse’s life.
“Allison, we need to talk.” Again Jesse’s voice was strained.
Suddenly Allison was filled with tension. “Okay,” she said. “Talk about what?”
“About us.”
Allison’s heart seemed to freeze midbeat. “What about us?”
“Allison, I don’t want you to leave tomorrow. Don’t go back to Chicago. Stay here.” The words tumbled from him as if he were afraid that if he didn’t say them now as quickly as possible, he might never say them. “I want you to stay here with me. Share my life with me.”
He took her hand in his. “Marry me, Allison. Marry me and be my wife.”
Emotion shot through Allison, a complicated blend of pleasure and pain.
For a moment she allowed the sheer joy of his words to seep into her heart. Allison knew nothing in her life would ever be the same again.
Still, a tiny voice niggled at the back of her mind, filling her with doubts, with painful uncertainty.
Did he propose because he needed to make res titution for the guilt he’d suffered about Paul’s blindness? Even if they married and her sight eventually returned, she’d never know for sure that it hadn’t been the old seeds of guilt that had prompted him to marry her in the first place.
The joy she’d momentarily felt at his words seeped away, unable to sustain beneath the weight of her uncertainty.
“Oh, Jesse,” she breathed softly, tears burning hot and thick at her eyes. She pulled her hand from his, not wanting his touch while she shoved him firmly and resolutely out of her life. “I’ve got a life to return to.”
Jesse was silent for a long moment, and Allison’s heart constricted as she realized he probably thought she didn’t love him, that she’d only used him for convenience…to keep away the loneliness of the nights.
She couldn’t leave, couldn’t walk away from him and not let him know that he’d captured her heart.
The tears she’d been holding inside spilled outward, trekking down her cheeks in hot, stinging trails. “I can’t stay here, Jesse. I can’t marry you and be your wife.” She swiped at her tears.
“I don’t understand.” His voice was filled with painful confusion.
“Jesse, I’m blind.”
“What does that mean?” he returned unevenly. “I know you’re blind. What does that have to do with marrying me?” She heard more than a little hint of frustration in his voice. “Suddenly now you want to embrace the blindness you’ve refused to discuss or acknowledge since the moment you arrived here?”
Allison frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
His chair scooted back and he stood. “Nothing. Never mind.”
“No. You brought it up. What are you trying to say to me?”
He paced back and forth in front of where she sat, displacing the air with each pass by her, the floor squeaking softly beneath his footsteps. “It just strikes me as odd that now you are blind, and in all the time we’ve spent together before this moment, you’ve refused to believe your blindness has anything to do with your future. What if you stay blind forever?”
Now she sensed an underlying anger in his words. And the anger fed the uncertainty she felt of his love. “If I stay blind forever, then I’ll learn how to adjust.”
“You certainly haven’t started any kind of adjustment while you’ve been here. You’ve steadfastly refused to discuss the possibility of being sightless for any length of time.”
She wanted to contradict him, suddenly felt the need to be angry, but she knew what he said was right. She had refused to accept the possibility that her blindness might last forever.
“Would you please stand or sit still,” she snapped. “It’s difficult for me to follow your footsteps when you’re pacing so fast.” She waited as he once again sat next to her, then drew a deep breath and continued. “You’re right,” she agreed. “I haven’t wanted to admit the possibility that I might spend the rest of my life blind. But now I’m facing the possibility.”
“Why can’t you face that possibility here…with me?”
The anger she’d sensed in him only moments before was gone, vanished beneath a soft plea that ripped holes through her heart.
“Don’t you see, Jesse? If I stay, I’ll never know if your proposal was based on real feelings for me or if you’re in some way trying to fix what happened in your past. You feel as if you let down Paul. What better way to fix it than to take care of me?”
“Are you finished playing amateur psychologist now?”
She flushed and nodded.
“Maybe the real problem here is your fear of somehow being dependent on anyone. Have you considered the fact that your feelings for me might just be suspect?”
“What are you talking about?” If there was one thing Allison was certain of, it was the love she felt for Jesse.
“Maybe you’re a coward, afraid to adjust to your blindness, afraid to deal with what you’ve been dealt. Maybe if you could see, you wouldn’t care about me at all.”
“That’s ridiculous,” she scoffed with a rise of her own anger. “I know what I feel for you, Jesse Wilder.” She stood, knowing she needed to escape.
She had to get away before she weakened, before she allowed her selfish need for Jesse to override the knowledge that he was better off without her. “Face it, Jesse. We’ll never really know. It’s best if we cut our losses and just say goodbye.”
She didn’t wait for his reply, but instead stumbled from the kitchen and down the hallway, needing the privacy of her bedroom to shed the tears that begged to be released. She needed to cry for what she’d found…and cry for what she’d lost.
She’d only been in the bedroom a brief time when Jesse knocked on the door. “Allison, I’ve got to leave,” he said. “I’ve put a call in to Shelly to come back here. In the meantime, I’ll lock you in.”
“I’ll be fine,” she answered through the closed door, although she knew the words were a lie.
She had a feeling it would take a very long time before she’d feel fine again.
Jesse drove aimlessly down Main Street, trying to sort out exactly what had happened in his kitchen only minutes before.
What had begun as a confession of love and a proposal of marriage had somehow gotten twisted into something complicated and ugly. Where had it all g
one wrong?
He tightened his grip on the steering wheel, fighting an overwhelming sense of despair as he thought of a life without Allison in it.
Dammit, he hadn’t wanted to fall in love. So far, he’d spent his life just fine alone. But now, alone sounded like hell.
He’d awakened that morning knowing she’d be gone tomorrow, and his heart had ached with the anticipation of her absence. He’d known then he couldn’t let her walk away, couldn’t let her leave his life without telling her that he loved her. He’d never forgive himself if he didn’t at least try for a happily-ever-after with her.
A desolate sigh escaped him. He’d tried…and failed. Allison didn’t believe he truly loved her. He tightened his grip once again, anger coursing through him as he thought of her words. How could she believe that somehow he had fallen in love with her in some strange need to heal his past with Paul?
Is it possible that’s what your love for her is all about? a tiny voice whispered in the back of his head. He was the first to admit that accident so long ago had scarred him with guilt, dug deep wounds into his soul. But surely that had nothing to do with how he felt about Allison.
He slowed his car as he saw Vic’s patrol car approach. He waved his deputy over, then pulled to a stop on the opposite side of the street. He got out of the car and approached Vic’s vehicle.
“Hey, Jesse. What’s going on?” Vic got out of his car, a worried frown on his face. “Is anything wrong?”
“No, everything is fine. I’ve got some business out of town to take care of and I’m going to be gone for most of the evening,” Jesse explained. “I just wanted to give you a message for Shelly. She should be over at my house by now, staying with Allison. Could you swing by there and tell her I’ll probably be late getting back?”
“Sure. No problem.” Vic’s curiosity about what business Jesse had out of town was obvious, but Jesse offered no explanation. “I’ll swing by your house and let Shelly know the plans.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it. I’ll check in later.” Jesse turned and headed back to his car.
He climbed in behind the steering wheel, but for a long moment didn’t start the engine. Someplace in the span of the last few minutes, when he’d seen Vic’s car, he’d made the decision.
He’d called Allison a coward for not facing the possibility of a lifetime of blindness, but in truth he was the coward, afraid of facing his own shortcomings, afraid of going back in time and facing his guilt.
Yes, the time had come. It was time to face his past. It was time to go see Paul.
Minutes later he was on the highway heading to Grange City. As he drove, he took in the scenery, consciously memorizing it so he could explain it to Allison. He needed to remember the exact color of the grass, the brilliant hues of the wildflowers he passed.
Then he remembered. After tomorrow he wouldn’t be describing things to Allison. He would no longer have the pleasure of being her eyes for her.
He consciously shoved thoughts of Allison aside, needing instead to prepare himself for the meeting with Paul. Perhaps he should have called ahead, made contact by phone. But he was afraid to do that, afraid that Paul would tell him to go to hell. And Jesse wouldn’t blame him if he did.
It was an hour drive to Grange City, and once there, a few questions at the gas station on Main Street gained him directions to Paul’s house.
It was a pleasant ranch, with late-summer flowers blooming in riotous array along the sidewalk leading to the front door.
Jesse pulled up to the curb and shut off his car, but he didn’t get out right away. Instead he sat staring at the house, his thoughts once again filled with Allison.
Had she been right? Did he love her because it somehow eased the pain of him walking away from Paul? He wasn’t sure anymore. He’d carried his guilt over Paul for years, letting it fester into a gaping wound. That experience with Paul had colored everything in Jesse’s world since that moment in time.
Drawing a deep breath for courage, Jesse opened his car door and stepped out. He had to face this now. He had to make it right, to clear his head where Allison was concerned. This issue, this pain from his past had to be lanced in order to heal.
With long, purposeful strides, he walked to the front door and without giving himself a chance to think, rang the bell.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, Jesse was expecting one of Paul’s parents to answer the door. Shock riveted through him when the door opened to reveal Paul.
He wore his blond hair just as he had in high school, the same cowlick he used to curse, sticking up at the crown of his head. He was thinner, and wore dark glasses, but other than that, he looked much the same as he had when he and Jesse had been the best of friends.
“Yes? May I help you?” he asked. His hands touched each side of the door frame, an orienting action Jesse had seen Allison do a dozen times a day.
“Paul.” The single word fell from Jesse’s lips with a tremble.
Paul tilted his head slightly, his brow above the dark glasses wrinkling. “Jesse?”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
Paul laughed, the sound tugging Jesse back in time, back to happy, carefree days. “Well, I’ll be a son of a gun.” He held out a hand. “What in the hell took you so long?”
Jesse grabbed his hand in a hard grip, and in that moment of a simple handshake, his healing began.
Chapter 13
Paul and Jesse had only just sat down inside the kitchen when the front door opened once again. A moment later an attractive blond woman walked in, followed by twin little girls who appeared to be about five years old.
“Daddy! Daddy!” The two munchkins made a beeline to the chair where Paul was seated.
“Ah, if it isn’t my little Flopsy and Mopsy,” he said as they each tried to crawl up into his lap.
“Here, let me help you.” Jesse jumped up to help the woman whose arms were filled with grocery bags.
“Thanks,” she said as he took a sack from her and set it on the countertop.
“Honey, the handsome man aiding you right now is Jesse Wilder,” Paul said. “Jesse, the gorgeous woman before you is my wife, Ellen.”
“Hi, Ellen.” Jesse offered her a warm smile, pleased that she returned it with one of her own.
He wondered how much she knew about him, his relationship to Paul and the accident that had stolen Paul’s sight. Did she know that Jesse was the one driving that night? That he’d been responsible for the accident?
“And these are Frick and Frack, my two daughters,” Paul added, his words causing the twins to giggle a musical chorus.
“We’re not Frick and Frack,” the one on Paul’s left knee explained. “I’m Mindy.”
“And I’m Mandy,” the twin on Paul’s right knee said.
“It’s very nice to meet you both,” Jesse replied. He could feel the love in the room, the love that radiated between the four people that shared the space of the house. The air positively vibrated with positive energy.
“Jesse, why don’t we sit out back and visit while the ladies put away groceries?” Paul suggested.
“Sure.”
Jesse followed behind Paul through a back door that led to a screened-in porch. Colorful lounge furniture was complemented by a vast array of green plants, giving the aura of airy cheerfulness.
The two men sat at a resin table in chairs with floral cushions. Before sitting, Paul offered Jesse a soft drink from the compact refrigerator.
Jesse wrapped his fingers around the cold soda can before him. With so many words, thoughts and emotions flooding through him, it was difficult to pick which to speak of first.
“You look good, Paul,” he began. “I was expecting your mom or dad to answer the door.”
“They retired to Florida six months ago and left me the house,” Paul explained.
“You look…happy,” Jesse said.
Paul smiled, a trace of young boy in the gesture. “I am happy. There are days I think I might be one of the luckiest
people on this earth.”
Emotion rose up in the back of Jesse’s throat. “I’m glad…I needed to know…” He cleared his throat, trying to regain control of himself, but it was no use.
Years of guilt and betrayal, of sorrow and pain released as Jesse reached for Paul’s hand. This man had haunted his dreams for years, cried out Jesse’s betrayal from nightmares.
For a moment, Jesse couldn’t speak as he fought against the tears that burned like fire at his eyes. “I’ve thought about you often. I—I’m so sorry, Paul,” he finally managed to gasp.
Gently Paul pulled his hand from Jesse’s grip. “Sorry? What in the hell are you sorry about? It was an accident, Jesse. A stupid, tragic accident.”
“But I should have left the party when you first told me the weather was getting bad,” Jesse protested, refusing the easy way out. “It was my fault we were on that road when the ice storm hit. It was my fault we had the accident.”
“You crazy dolt,” Paul said gently. “Have you been carrying that weight around all these years? Jeez, Jesse, I could say the same thing, that it was my fault I went through the window of the car. Three times you told me to buckle my seat belt, and three times I ignored you.”
Jesse stared at Paul in startled surprise. He’d forgotten that. He’d forgotten how he’d insisted Paul buckle in and how Paul had told him to quit acting like a mother.
Paul was right. Had he been wearing his seat belt, he probably would have never gone through the windshield. They’d both been foolish kids that night.
However, this information didn’t absolve Jesse from his guilt over what had happened after the accident. “I let you down, man,” Jesse said. “I walked away from you because I was afraid I couldn’t deal with your blindness.”
“Bull. You walked away from me because my mom was acting like a junkyard guard dog, snapping and snarling at everyone who came near me.” Paul laughed. “I know my mother, Jesse, and I certainly wouldn’t have crossed her for you.”
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