by Rachel Lee
He watched her eyes widen, heard her indrawn breath, and he enjoyed it. But the doorbell rang. “Pizza,” he said, letting the sudden sexual tension slip away.
Best for both of them, because he might never be good for anyone. But for a few seconds there it had felt great.
Chapter Ten
The next morning Ashley awoke with an unusual sense of anticipation. Last night after they finished the pizza, they’d agreed to meet again this morning, first to go to see Cadell and the dogs, then to go to the market for candy, a pumpkin and whatever else they needed.
So a routine chore, grocery shopping, felt like a genuine outing to her, and she was definitely looking forward to seeing Mikey and the dogs. But mostly she was looking forward to the time with Zane. When he’d first arrived here, she’d never expected anything like this. Never thought he’d want to be out and about and certainly never dreamed that he’d want to spend time like this with her.
A niggle of concern troubled her as she showered, dried her hair and dressed. The man she had talked to might be ephemeral. She didn’t know him well enough to know if he had major mood swings, ones that could change him suddenly. She wasn’t worrying about his PTSD. That was something to be dealt with when it happened. No, she was wondering if he might be an emotional chameleon. The change still seemed fast to her.
But he’d said he’d been thinking about it for some time. Maybe getting out to Cadell’s place and meeting Mikey had simply brought to fruition a change he’d been wanting to make for some time. Maybe it had finished the process of deciding he could still be a useful member of society.
Boy, feeling that he was useful had to have taken a ding, dealing with the problems he had. There must have been times when he’d felt caught in a nightmare, paralyzed, haunted by the war in ways he couldn’t control.
But he’d said last night that the man he used to be was talking. That actually made sense to her. He’d taken some terrible blows, but he was still, somewhere deep inside, the guy who had been a determined athlete and an even more determined SEAL.
She decided that when she went over there, she would suggest he put his medals on display so he could remember the guy who’d done all those daring deeds. Maybe that would help him reclaim himself.
Then she stopped. No, she was not a psychologist. Those medals might cause him more pain. He’d already told her that he’d wanted to throw them away and had kept them only because an older vet had told him he might want them someday, and that they were the only reward he was going to get.
Which was pretty pathetic, when she thought about it. How could a box full of medals make up for losing your legs and part of your mind? Honestly, nothing could make up for that.
Glancing at her phone, she saw it was time to grab her parka and go to Zane’s. Maybe it was time to keep her mouth shut and let him lead the way. He was the only one, after all, who had any idea where he wanted to go from here.
As she climbed the ramp, Zane’s front door opened. She saw a happy Nell first, her tail wagging, then Zane as the door opened wider. He smiled, too.
Autumn had truly begun to move in, whispering of winter. The wind gusted just before she reached the front door, blowing fallen leaves around.
“Hurry in,” Zane said. “Ice cube season is on the way.”
“It feels like it,” she agreed as she stepped into the warmth of his house. “I hope it doesn’t snow and interfere with Halloween.”
“Don’t you keep up with the weather?”
“Only when I’m concerned.” The door closed behind her, sealing her in warmth.
“I’m compulsive about it. Years of experience and training, I guess. So I can proudly tell you there’s no snow in the forecast and we might see a slight warming on Monday. In the meantime, button up. Coffee?”
She hesitated. “Isn’t Cadell expecting you?”
He shook his head. “Mikey has a cold. His mom’s worried and doesn’t want to bring him out, so no practice today for his dog. Add to that, Cadell said he’d been called in early to cover for another deputy, so there’s no point in us going out there at all. I’m sure Nell would have loved running around in the paddock and I wouldn’t mind a closer look at those ostriches.”
She laughed, tossing back her hood and unzipping her parka. “Not too close.”
“Well, I’m not sure I’d want those huge beaks too close,” he agreed. “So, coffee? Did you have breakfast? I baked some cinnamon rolls from freezer dough.”
“The roll sounds wonderful. I had an egg and toast, but I’m not too full to eat one of those.”
“Then the store,” he said as he wheeled into the kitchen. Today he wore loose jeans and a light gray sweatshirt. For the first time she wondered how he managed his clothes, but she didn’t ask because it seemed intrusive.
She reminded herself of the jujitsu this man had performed to get himself up off the floor onto the couch and then into his chair. He probably had as many moves as a cat by now, or he simply wouldn’t be able to live alone.
Once again he ferried the coffee to the table for them, remarking that caffeine was a good antidote to the cold. “I ought to know. I relied on it in quite a few cold places.”
The rolls were already on a plate in the center of the table, and a moment later he set out two smaller plates. “Feel free to eat with your fingers. Do you like to butter yours?”
“I like them just as they are,” she said, helping herself to one roll. At least they weren’t gigantic. Sinful, but not gigantic.
Nell settled on the floor between them, gnawing contentedly on a rawhide bone.
“When does Carol come to clean for you?” she asked, to make conversation that would keep her from voicing errant thoughts, such as that he looked more delicious than the rolls. In fact, she wished she had the nerve to just sit on his lap and see what happened next.
Bad idea, she scolded herself. Entanglements too often produced pain. Besides, he’d already made it plain that he had good reason to doubt a woman’s interest in him. It must have made him feel just awful that a woman he’d been dating had only wanted to offer herself as a sacrifice. Lord! He deserved so much more than that. For example, a woman who didn’t think living with him was a painful or difficult task.
So far she herself hadn’t seen a single reason to feel that way. He had some tough problems to deal with, all right, but they were tough for him. Someone who cared about him would share his pain, not seek praise for putting up with it.
She stifled a sigh, for fear he would question her about it. Simple truth was, she honestly liked this man a whole lot. She wanted to get to know him better. She wanted to spend more time with him. Then there was the sexual attraction that stayed with her even when she was elsewhere. Zane just kept popping into her head, occupying her thoughts and making unexpected appearances even when she was focused on something else, like teaching or grading or planning her lessons. If she wasn’t careful, she was apt to let thinking about him take over her life.
Maybe, she thought as she licked her fingers delicately, she ought to just have sex with him and settle that issue. Maybe when the heated fog of desire wasn’t winding its way around every cell in her body, she could break free of the fascination.
“You’re smiling,” he said.
“A silly thought, one I’d rather not share.” She wiped her fingers on a napkin and reached for her coffee. “What kind of shopping do you need to do today?”
“Only a little. Carol does that for me. You asked, so... She comes for the big cleaning on Mondays, then drops in a couple of mornings a week to take care of odds and ends and see if I need anything for the larder.” He gestured to a magnetic pad on the refrigerator. “She saves me a lot of trouble, because unless I get a basket for my chair, I can’t carry much, and even with a basket I wouldn’t be able to carry much more. Sometimes I think I ne
ed a little wagon as a trailer.”
The way he said it, the image it created, made her laugh. “That would be a sight. A little red wagon.”
He smiled. “It would work, though. I’ve tried pushing a cart. I can, if I’m careful. But then there’s the problem of putting items in it. Not everything can be tossed like a baseball.”
That made her laugh again. “You’re remarkable,” she said honestly. “You really do take that chair as a challenge.”
“No other way to look at it,” he said firmly. “It’s the rest of it that I’ve let overwhelm me. That has to stop.”
She didn’t know how he was going to stop it, but she figured he was probably determined enough to do just about anything he put his mind to.
A short while later they left for the store. He parked in a handicapped space near the front doors, one with the hash marks on the correct side of the van for his lift. She stood there waiting for him and Nell and looked at the car parked in the next slot. No handicapped plate. No handicapped hang tag.
She suddenly felt embarrassed that she’d never paid attention to that before, but at the same time realized she wanted to have some words with whoever was parked there. Really?
When Zane reached the ground and closed up his van, he wheeled toward her, Nell at his side. “What are you so fascinated by?”
She pointed. “Do you see a hang tag? Or a handicapped plate?”
He lifted a brow. “It’s probably on the dash.”
So she marched to the front of the car and looked. “Nope,” she announced. “You go on inside. I want to talk to this person.”
He tilted his head, studying her. “Ashley, you don’t have to.”
“No, maybe not. But there are plenty of people around here who need these spaces. I admit I never really paid attention before, except not to park in them. Now...well, I’m offended.”
“Firebrand,” he remarked. “Look, you don’t know who it is. The person might give you trouble. It could be someone nasty.”
“Oh, I’m sure it’s someone nasty,” she said, putting her hands on her hips and ignoring the way the chilly breeze nipped at her cheeks. “If they’re not entitled to this parking space, they’re nasty.”
“Or just thoughtless, or in a hurry, or trying to avoid freezing. Let it go, Ash.”
She faced him. “Why? What would you have done if you hadn’t been able to find a space? Parked out at the end of the lot where you could get two spaces together? And what happens if you come back and someone’s filled the space where you need to use your lift? You’d be stuck.”
He seemed not to have an argument for that. She felt a small bit of satisfaction that she’d made her point. “Look, I’m not out to embarrass this person if they just forgot to put up their tag, but if they couldn’t park two slots farther away because they’re lazy? Yeah, I want to embarrass them.”
Then she saw that he was pressing his lips together while his eyes danced. “You think I’m funny?”
“I think you’re an avenging angel.”
She frowned. “I’m no angel. Like I said, this is something I’d never really thought about before. But now that I have...well, I’m going to do something. You and Nell go inside before you get cold.”
“I’m not going anywhere without you,” he retorted. “And I’m sure Nell feels the same. We’ll turn into icicles together while we wait.”
She huffed a bit, her annoyance refusing to abate. “Doesn’t it ever make you mad when you see this? Doesn’t it bother you?”
“It used to bother me a whole lot more. These days...well, I try not to think about it.”
“But it’s so wrong! Yeah, I’m angry.”
“Righteous anger,” he remarked, pivoting his chair and rolling toward the door of the store. “Let’s go.” Nell trotted at his side, leashed. Ashley realized that she didn’t often see Nell on a leash. She was almost certain the dog didn’t need it, either.
“Why did you want me to let it go?” she asked curiously as they hurried toward the store.
“Because you didn’t have any idea what kind of person you’d be dealing with, which is dangerous, and because I learned a long time ago to pick my fights. Besides, it was probably just thoughtless. A lot of people don’t get it. Then there’s the possibility that it’s some young mother with a small child, who saw two empty spaces were together and she thought it couldn’t hurt to take one to avoid the cold. Or what about someone temporarily on crutches who wouldn’t get a hang tag?”
Ashley flushed faintly. “So I overreacted?”
“I wouldn’t say that. It’s just that I’ve been dealing with this longer than you have. There were times when I was embarrassed when I gave someone a hard time over it. You could say I learned the hard way.”
“I wasn’t being very charitable,” she admitted, a hot sliver of shame striking her. She always tried to be charitable, but there she’d been, criticizing someone she didn’t know who might not deserve it. Who might have special circumstances of their own.
“You got angry on my behalf. Far be it from me to criticize you for it. It’s just that I’ve been dealing with this a lot longer, and while some people are simply jerks, most people are innocent of any intention to create a problem. They’re only going to be a minute, or it’s raining cats and dogs, or...” He shrugged as the automated doors opened before them. “Lots of reasons it’s hard to get really angry about.”
She could see his point of view, of course. She’d never been an unreasonable person, but being out there with him, thinking of Mikey also facing such problems...well, it had frosted her, obviously.
Time to ease up and enjoy the company, and it wasn’t difficult to do. Zane seemed in reasonably good spirits, as if announcing his intention to change his life around had made him feel good. Nell added to the enjoyment, drawing a lot of attention. She seemed to know it and was almost prancing beside Zane.
A number of people welcomed him home but didn’t try to delay him. A few kids wanted to rush Nell and had to be held back by their parents with the advice, “Never run up to a strange dog, and never bother a working dog.”
Which led to some interesting conversations started by Zane. He did like children, it seemed, and he had no problem with halting and chatting, backing up their parents’ warnings, explaining why service dogs shouldn’t be distracted. “If she’s paying attention to you, she’s not taking care of me, and I could get sick.”
That explanation worked like a charm with the kids, who immediately settled down. A couple of times, Zane called Nell to order, telling her to “sit and mind.” If she’d been growing distracted, it ended there. Instantly her gaze fixed on him.
It wasn’t a major shopping trip, which was good, because by the time he’d had a few conversations with the kids, Nell’s attention to him was changing, and she butted his arm carefully.
“Time for me to go,” he said.
Looking into his eyes, Ashley didn’t question it. He had what she had heard called the thousand-yard stare. “Can you make it to the van?”
“Yeah. Yeah.”
“Go. I’ll check out. I won’t be long.”
She watched him start rolling toward the door, Nell at his side. The dog was no longer prancing proudly. Now she barely took her nose off his arm.
Time to hurry, Ashley thought. Not that there was much. Big bags of mixed candies to pass out, a jug of cider and pumpkin pie that Zane had wanted, and some Polish sausage that Ashley had wanted. The butcher here made his own, and it was mouthwatering. On impulse, she grabbed some hoagie buns deciding to make sausage dogs for dinner for both of them.
As long as Zane felt better.
* * *
Zane struggled to hang on to the present while the past kept trying to push its way out of the graveyard where it never seemed to stay buried for long. N
ell helped, nudging him, whining at him, forcing him to focus on getting back into his van and closing the door. He didn’t move to the driver’s seat, though. Not yet. He had to be sure he wouldn’t start the engine when Ashley climbed in the car and suddenly be driving down some mental road where every oncoming car posed the threat of a bomb or gunfire.
In his brain, images overlaid each other, not quite like double vision because the images were different, but more like two films one on top of the other. His ears seemed to be hearing sounds that didn’t exist—explosions, gunfire, screaming.
Nell’s whimpering and even a few barks reminded him of the world that was actually around him, keeping him from slipping completely over into the past.
Anxiety rode him like a devouring monster. He gripped the arms of his chair until his fingers ached.
Stop it, he yelled inwardly. Stop it. That’s gone. Done. No more.
Then Nell jumped up into his lap and began to lick his face with her rough tongue. That reality began to trump the old ones that were trying to take over.
“God, girl, you’re going to leave me raw!”
Nell woofed just as the passenger door opened and Ashley slid groceries onto her seat and looked in.
“How are you?” she asked, twisting to look at him.
“Coming back,” he answered cautiously. He hadn’t really slipped in time, but he’d come close, and he wasn’t absolutely certain he was steady yet.
“Let me put these groceries in the back. We can sit here as long as you need.”
It was a good thing that he couldn’t feel Nell’s weight on his lap. She was by no means a small dog, and it still amazed him that she could manage to balance this way on his thighs. Now she was sniffing him like an anxious mother dog, checking him out. She must be able to smell the changes in him. He could think of no other way she could be so on top of his moods.