“Still, we should get back into the trees,” Leila said. “There were enough orcs around here where they shouldn’t have been that I don’t want to stick around any longer than we have to.”
“I’m telling you the orcs are gone,” I said.
“You’d be surprised what the Dark Lady is capable of,” Leila said, her frown getting even deeper. Then she glanced at Rachel, and I got a feeling I was about to be treated to some of the unfinished business between these two beauties. “Besides. It wouldn’t be the first time I heard someone claim they’ve taken care of everything only to discover an army of orcs trying to march their way up my ass.”
“Well excuse me princess,” I said, rolling my eyes.
They stared at me with blank looks. I sighed again. “Something from earth pop culture well after Rachel would’ve left. It was kind of a ripoff of Steve Martin anyway.”
“The Wild and Crazy Guy on SNL?” Rachel asked.
“Something like that,” I said, not wanting to get into Steve Martin’s post-SNL and standup career in amusingly inoffensive family comedies.
Instead I looked up at the tree and thought about how it’d nearly knocked me on my ass to climb the thing the first time. At least it was a ramp and not a set of stairs.
“Someone needs to tell me when we get to ten this time,” I grumbled.
15
Wrapping Up?
I leaned out over the railing and looked at the vast forest spread out before us. The boards beneath felt solid enough underfoot, but I couldn’t stop thinking about my plunge through the forest earlier and wonder what would happen if I was stupid enough to slip up and take that plunge again.
Something told me things wouldn’t go nearly as well for me the second time around without the magic around to save my ass. Leila could go on all she wanted about how I technically couldn’t die in this world, and I didn’t think that falling would do all that much to burn my powers out of me, but that didn’t change the fact that I wasn’t eager to do any experimentation.
“What are you thinking of?” Rachel asked, leaning against the rope that was the only thing separating me from that fall. They had that small barrier between safety and death all the way up here at the top.
I took in a deep breath and let it out. I figured telling the pretty girl I’d already impressed with my impossible antics that I was afraid of something simple like falling wouldn’t do much to preserve the badass image I’d managed to cultivate so far.
“I’m thinking about all this,” I said, looking out over the forest and vaguely waving at it.
The lights of the elf city twinkled in the distance. I still hadn’t gotten the name of the place, which seemed odd now considering I’d been spending so much effort and risking life and limb to save the place.
If I listened hard enough I almost thought I could hear the sounds of celebration out there. It was enough to make me wish I was out there with them to enjoy being the conquering hero, but I’d have to make do with arriving a couple of days late.
That was how long Leila claimed it would take for us to make it back to the city, even navigating by the treetop highways. She refused to entertain any other notion no matter how many times I tried to explain to her that anything that served the Dark Lady around here had just done its best impression of Paul Winfield about halfway through Wrath of Khan.
Whatever. After everything we’d been through I could use a breather. Even if that breather did mean missing out on one hell of a party.
Then again, considering some of the holes I’d left in the city the last time I was there, maybe it was a good idea to lie low for a little bit and let them stew in their happiness that they weren’t all going to die at the points of an orc sword for a few days before I rolled in and let them know their savior was also none other than the asshole who’d put those holes in their city.
“Y’know this has only just begun, right?” Rachel asked. “I had a few good turns when I first got here. There are times when I wonder if the powers governing this world try to throw a bone to the new Cores when they arrive on this world so they want to stick around.”
I looked away. I didn’t trust myself not to make a face when she mentioned the crystal. The Core. I felt like I had the powers of a Core, but I didn’t have that gem embedded in my chest which seemed to be a thing everyone else who came to this world had.
Either way I figured it wasn’t a good idea to mention I’d lost the powerful magical artifact in front of a couple of women who looked like they could gut me if they put their minds to it.
“You make it sound like it’s easy to go back,” I said.
“I thought it was,” she said with a sigh. “You’re defeated and you go back. It was supposed to be that simple. I go home and the elves recruit someone who’s actually worth a damn in a fight. It seemed like a good plan, as far as my plans went, but I guess it just goes to show that I can’t do anything right. Not even failing.”
“It’s okay,” I said, putting a hand on her back.
She looked at me and smiled, though it was difficult not to note the tears welling up in her eyes. I reached up and wiped one of them away, and she moved in closer. I figured things were on the verge of getting pretty interesting, but then someone cleared their throat behind me.
I turned to see Eleric standing there looking at me like he was worried about interrupting. I sighed and motioned him forward. He pulled himself to what I imagined passed for attention among the elves and stepped closer.
“A report for you, sir,” he said.
A little bit of warmth coursed through me as he said it. As though him giving me a report was enough to get the magic as hot and bothered as getting close to Rachel had gotten me. It was weird. Every time the elves acknowledged my authority on this world it was like the magic grew more powerful.
There was something to that. I’d have to ask Rachel about it, but not while Eleric was standing there at attention rocking back and forth on his toes and acting like the one thing he wanted more than anything in this world was to hit me with that report.
“Shouldn’t you be reporting to Leila or something?” I asked.
Eleric hesitated. His eyes darted around like he thought he’d done something wrong. Of course he hadn’t. It’s just that my big mouth had opened and said exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time.
I sighed and held out my hand. It would seem that authority had come calling whether or not I wanted it. So if I was supposed to play a part and be the kind of god they were expecting then I might as well play the part and be the kind of god they were expecting.
“Lay it on me,” I said.
Again Eleric looked around like he wasn’t sure what the hell I meant by that.
“Um…”
“That means I want you to give me the report,” I said. “Lay the report on me. It’s a figure of speech from my world.”
“My apologies, sir,” Eleric said. “I’ve grown accustomed to the previous Core’s unique phrasing, but I’m afraid you are…”
“Would you please just tell me what’s going on?” I asked.
I glanced off towards the city in the distance. To the bright lights and the sounds of celebration that said they were having a grand time. I let out another sigh as I thought of all the fun I could be having, all the booze I could be downing, before forcing myself to listen to Eleric.
“We’ve done a preliminary scout of the canopy for the next three bridges,” he said.
“Assume for a moment that I have no idea what that means and then explain it to me,” I said.
Again he paused. Again he looked like he wasn’t quite sure what to make of this. Again he licked his lips, and again I found myself having to manage the dude’s expectations. Talk about a fragile dude.
“I’m new to your world,” I said. “So it would be a big help if you could give me a primer on all the things you’d assume someone from your world would know.”
“Of course, sir,” he said. “The bridges co
nnect the trees in the canopy. Holding them is vital to making sure there aren’t incursions, and we have to watch regularly to make sure the orcs don’t make it through the Webwood layer to get to it.”
I cocked an eyebrow at him.
“Right,” he said. “The Webwood layer is…”
I held up a hand to stop him. “I’m gonna assume that means exactly what I think it means. I’ve never been a big fan of creepy crawly things, so if you could not tell me about the existence of spiders big enough to take out those orc things I’d be happy.”
“Of course, sir,” he said, clearing his throat. “The point is there are no orcs in the vicinity, so it would seem that we’re clear for the moment.”
“So we could get a move on now and be in the city sooner rather than later?” I asked, hope kindling in me for the first time since I’d destroyed all those orcs.
Though this was a different sort of hope. Back then I’d been hoping I’d live through that crazy situation. Now I was hoping maybe we’d be able to get back to the party in time to have a good time.
“Not a chance,” a voice said from behind me.
I turned to see Leila stepping out of the darkness. I was annoyed that she was still insisting on keeping us from the big party, but the way she looked in her mage’s robes that were barely there went a long way towards earning her some forgiveness for raining on my parade.
“And do you care to tell me why we can’t go?” I asked. “I mean I am your new god, right? Doesn’t that mean you’re supposed to do what I want?”
Leila locked eyes with me. She was shorter, but she was no less fierce for her smaller stature. Not to mention having her standing right under me like that was good for causing a stirring down below as I thought of all the things I wouldn’t mind doing to her.
Not to mention it gave me one hell of a view of her cleavage, and I was suddenly thinking of all the things I’d already done to her in addition to all the things I’d like to do to her.
That also made me more willing to go along with whatever she wanted to tell me to do as long as it resulted in the two of us having some private time together. Or maybe some private time together with Rachel. The point was I really wanted to get with her, and I could feel in her mind that she really wanted to get with me.
It came through as more of a sense of how much she wanted it than actual mind reading, that would’ve been creepy, but feeling those emotions and having them travel back and forth between the two of us was doing a hell of a number on me, that was for damn sure.
“I am your high priestess,” she said. “And that means that I will take what you say under consideration, but that also means that I have to take into consideration what those decisions mean for my people. You are meant to help us in our fight, but that doesn’t mean you rule over us.”
I opened my mouth to say something and then shut it. I was pretty sure she wouldn’t appreciate me telling her that my understanding of the whole god thing was that she was basically supposed to worship me and bow and scrape, because clearly she wasn’t in the mood to do any bowing and scraping.
I was still hoping I could figure out a way to get her down on her knees to do a little bit of worshiping though. Wink and a nudge.
“Sounds like a crappy job as a god,” I said.
“You’re not a god,” she said. “For all that everyone in that city probably understands it that way. You’re a Dungeon Core, and with that crystal you can lead us to glory!”
I felt at my pocket and then forced myself to stop. She wouldn’t be all that jazzed to discover that I’d lost that important artifact that seemed like such a big fucking deal, after all.
“Uh right,” I said. “Lead you to victory and all that. Like I totally did today, so it seems like maybe you should trust my instincts a little bit and maybe go along with whatever I have planned?”
Was I a hypocrite for saying something like that when I damn well knew I’d lost the crystal? Maybe, but I didn’t care.
She smiled. It was a thin smile, but it was there. Not to mention I could sense in her emotions that she was trying very hard not to give into what I wanted.
“I know you want to get to the celebrations, but we can’t risk it. Not when the Dark Lady knows where we are and she might send an attack at any moment,” she said.
“And I’m telling you there’s not a chance anything like that is happening,” I said. “I saw all the orcs getting disintegrated or running for their lives. There’s not a chance they’re coming.”
“There are worse thing than orcs in the Dark Lady’s armies,” Leila said, her eyes moving down.
Only for a change she wasn’t looking down because she was getting a look at my favorite bit of anatomy. No, she looked like she was reliving some pretty heavy memories that she maybe would’ve rather not been reliving.
“She’s got a point,” Rachel said. “At night around here it’s better to hunker down and wait for the daylight. There are things moving through this forest at night outside the walls of civilized cities you really don’t want to run into. Even if you are mostly immortal by the standards of this world.”
As though to underscore that little bit of terrifying advice, something snapped out in the distance and far below. Like it was the kind of snap that sounded like a branch breaking, and not something snapping a twig.
I shivered as I thought of running into something that could snap a branch like that, and decided I didn’t want to meet. For all that it sounded like the snapping was happening well below us.
I sighed. On the one hand I knew that what they were saying made sense. If there really were scary nasty things hiding in the darkness out there then it made sense to stay up where it was relatively safe.
But on the other hand…
There was something that kept bothering me. Something Rachel had said about how she wasn’t all that great at the whole Dungeon Core thing, for all that I’d lost the Dungeon Core in that last fight and had no fucking intention of letting anyone know about it.
She’d been bad at it. Like bad enough that she’d gone and made a deal with public enemy number one for the elves in the hopes that it might somehow turn things around for them by allowing them to get a new Core.
Now here I was. I’d won a great victory for them, and I’d done it on the power of winging it and doing things the enemy didn’t expect. I was taking some of the experience I had being unpredictable playing strategy games and using it to turn everything on its head on this world, and I was doing it because I went with my instincts.
Sure maybe those instincts were telling me to go to the city for all the wrong reasons, but honestly if going to a city so I could have a tumble with some grateful elf women while getting drunk off my ass was wrong then I didn’t want to live in a world where I was right.
The point is right now those instincts were telling me I needed to get to the city for some reason, those instincts were screaming at me to get my ass over there, and they hadn’t been wrong so far.
I took a deep breath. Let it out in a long sigh. I wasn’t going to like doing this, it was probably going to piss off the two insanely hot women who’d been nice enough to have a threesome with me, and believe you me those were the last two people in this new world I wanted to piss off, but it had to be done. Old phrases about breaking a few eggs to make an omelette came to mind.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “But I have to get to that city. I can’t tell you why, just that it has to be done.”
I started walking towards the nearest bridge. I didn’t know how this high canopy highway system worked, but it’s not like it required GPS to see the massive lights from the elf city off in the distance and know I had to go in that general direction to get there.
I reached the bridge and a white glowing light appeared in front of me. I sighed and turned to see Leila standing there with a magic glow surrounding her, looking at me like she meant to use it on me.
The only problem with that plan was I was the thing she was using
to channel that magic, and that meant she was pretty much screwed when it came to trying to use it on me.
“Nice try,” I said. “But your hokey magics don’t work on me.”
I turned and stepped through the light. It felt almost solid for a moment, but then it was moving through me.
Another odd feeling that came with her using her magic, though. The feeling that I was connected to that power in the great beyond. It was only one small connection, not nearly as powerful as when I’d managed to rip a hole in the fabric of the universe to really get at the good stuff, but it was still a hell of a trip.
I wondered what it would feel to have more than one magic user on my side using me to channel magic. I’d have more magic flowing through me, but would I be able to take control of it and do something like what’d happened with the orcs?
If so that seemed like one hell of a game breaking scenario. For all that this all felt very real. What the fuck ever. If my new reality was going to operate on game rules then that’s how I was going to think of it.
Something cracked down below, followed by something big looming up out of the darkness. Panic seized me as I thought about the layer of spiders waiting down there to suck anyone dry, and from there my mind went to some of the other nasty things that could be lurking down there.
The last thing I needed was for one of those nasty things to come up out of the darkness and fuck my shit up while I was exposed out here on the bridge. I thought about turning to run back to the ladies, but it was already too late.
The massive something from down below resolved into a massive tree branch, easily the size of a good sized tree from earth, surrounded by that same white glow. It hovered for a moment and then came to rest on the middle of the bridge with a loud crash as Leila let it drop, blocking my way.
The bridge creaked and groaned under the weight. As though it was in serious danger of breaking under all that weight, and taking me along with it. I didn’t think Leila would risk hurting me like that, but then again they were the ones who told me I was functionally immortal around here so maybe she was trying to teach me a lesson.
Puny God Page 16